Everyone seems to be depressed over love issues lately, so I thought I might as well just be "the other guy who's also depressed over stupid love issues".
Haha.
No la, actually I do have love issues, just that I never had the mood to blog about it. Or rather I still feel unsecure blogging anonymously in my private blog because technology is so advanced that anyone could trace me easily if they want to(though I see no reason why they want to do so as I'm no celebrity). But then again, never try, never know.
*takes deep breath*
It really sucks to fall in love with a person, especially when the 'person' is a guy. And what makes it suck more is that I do not have the courage to tell the person that I like him. Seriously, it's not easy to confess to a person whom you've known for more than half your life because, if the person is not gay, you would lose more than just a friend.
But still what I fear more is rejection la.
I'm not making sense, AGAIN. I never make sense, do I?
I miss being in the same class with him when we were little. I miss playing soccer with him at the field near the place we live. I miss going for tuition lessons with him. I miss holding hands with him. I miss sleeping next to him when I sleep-over at his place. I miss being intimate with him.
I basically just miss him.
Academically, I made the right choice to go to college instead of staying back and do Form 6. Academically, I made the right choice to pursue further studies overseas instead of studying in a local university. But did I really made the right choice when it comes to living my life?
The both of us are passive. If I don't text you first, I'll never hear from you. If I don't ask you out first, I'll never get to see you. I may be the one who always make the first move, but that's not what I do. Even if it's you, I find it very hard to be the one who always text you first, to ask you out, or to initiate a conversation.
But then it's you, that's why every time I tell myself it's worth it. And I clearly know it's a lie. Because every time when you don't have anything more to say to me, you just don't reply. And I'll keep waiting and waiting for the reply from you which I know I'll never receive.
But still I never gave up hope, because it's you.
Remember the time where we went out for a 'date' last year? I really was very happy that day. I bought the movie tickets and you got the popcorns and drinks. I held your hands when I felt cold, and you didn't protest. You even bought us ice-cream after the movie. And that plane too.
Everything was good. So good.
But there's this thing which I can't get off my mind. A year ago, before our date, I was told by a friend that you have a girlfriend. And the girl was my classmate back in primary school. What a small world. But then again it was said to be a "rumour", as most people never see the both of you actually hang out together. And the only proof they have is that you always nominate her to be in the organizing committee of any sort.
But that is enough to doubt me. I could've asked; it's not a very tough job anyway, but then again it's not easy to actually bring myself to ask him. What if he's really with the girl? What if he's with the girl but found out that he doesn't like girls but also didn't want to let me know that he's gay?
What if-s.
We didn't get the chance to hang out (just the two of us) this year, mostly because we were both working part-time and when we both stopped working, you had to continue your studies. We don't seem that close anymore as we both talk less about ourselves but when we were positioned together to take pictures, I could feel the barrier between us vanished and felt as though we were both transported back to the time where we still share a lot of things in common. We didn't feel awkward when our pictures were taken. In fact, we both enjoyed it very much.
I can't help to ask myself if you have any feelings for me? Something more than just friends. If there is, what are your plans? Because what I feel is that you don't want to be too attached to me, but you can't help it when we hang out together. Some parts of you want me, but you fear the relationship will wither very soon as you are here in Malaysia and I in Moscow. And the best solution you've came up with is to keep in touch with each other, but at the meantime give each other the opportunity to meet someone new. If, by the time we both graduate and we both work in Malaysia and we both don't have partners, you'll give this relationship a chance.
Fairy tale-ish eh? Maybe this isn't the impression you've given me but the impression I want to believe to be true. I know I suck.
Anyway, I suppose this is the best solution for the both of us now, since we(I?) don't know what we want in life yet. It's good in a way too, as in we both don't get burdened by commitments, so we could go all out and meet new people and see if there's anyone that catches our attention. If by the time I graduate(and you have long graduated) and we don't have partners, we could give it a try. Who knows, years of waiting would be paid off if we really are meant for each other.
But let's not get all my hopes high now, because it'll really hurt if things don't progress the way I want it to.
Four more years to go. Till then, we shall just concentrate on our studies AND keep in touch. To keep the flame alive ma.
Haha.
No la, actually I do have love issues, just that I never had the mood to blog about it. Or rather I still feel unsecure blogging anonymously in my private blog because technology is so advanced that anyone could trace me easily if they want to(though I see no reason why they want to do so as I'm no celebrity). But then again, never try, never know.
*takes deep breath*
It really sucks to fall in love with a person, especially when the 'person' is a guy. And what makes it suck more is that I do not have the courage to tell the person that I like him. Seriously, it's not easy to confess to a person whom you've known for more than half your life because, if the person is not gay, you would lose more than just a friend.
But still what I fear more is rejection la.
I'm not making sense, AGAIN. I never make sense, do I?
I miss being in the same class with him when we were little. I miss playing soccer with him at the field near the place we live. I miss going for tuition lessons with him. I miss holding hands with him. I miss sleeping next to him when I sleep-over at his place. I miss being intimate with him.
I basically just miss him.
Academically, I made the right choice to go to college instead of staying back and do Form 6. Academically, I made the right choice to pursue further studies overseas instead of studying in a local university. But did I really made the right choice when it comes to living my life?
The both of us are passive. If I don't text you first, I'll never hear from you. If I don't ask you out first, I'll never get to see you. I may be the one who always make the first move, but that's not what I do. Even if it's you, I find it very hard to be the one who always text you first, to ask you out, or to initiate a conversation.
But then it's you, that's why every time I tell myself it's worth it. And I clearly know it's a lie. Because every time when you don't have anything more to say to me, you just don't reply. And I'll keep waiting and waiting for the reply from you which I know I'll never receive.
But still I never gave up hope, because it's you.
Remember the time where we went out for a 'date' last year? I really was very happy that day. I bought the movie tickets and you got the popcorns and drinks. I held your hands when I felt cold, and you didn't protest. You even bought us ice-cream after the movie. And that plane too.
Everything was good. So good.
But there's this thing which I can't get off my mind. A year ago, before our date, I was told by a friend that you have a girlfriend. And the girl was my classmate back in primary school. What a small world. But then again it was said to be a "rumour", as most people never see the both of you actually hang out together. And the only proof they have is that you always nominate her to be in the organizing committee of any sort.
But that is enough to doubt me. I could've asked; it's not a very tough job anyway, but then again it's not easy to actually bring myself to ask him. What if he's really with the girl? What if he's with the girl but found out that he doesn't like girls but also didn't want to let me know that he's gay?
What if-s.
We didn't get the chance to hang out (just the two of us) this year, mostly because we were both working part-time and when we both stopped working, you had to continue your studies. We don't seem that close anymore as we both talk less about ourselves but when we were positioned together to take pictures, I could feel the barrier between us vanished and felt as though we were both transported back to the time where we still share a lot of things in common. We didn't feel awkward when our pictures were taken. In fact, we both enjoyed it very much.
I can't help to ask myself if you have any feelings for me? Something more than just friends. If there is, what are your plans? Because what I feel is that you don't want to be too attached to me, but you can't help it when we hang out together. Some parts of you want me, but you fear the relationship will wither very soon as you are here in Malaysia and I in Moscow. And the best solution you've came up with is to keep in touch with each other, but at the meantime give each other the opportunity to meet someone new. If, by the time we both graduate and we both work in Malaysia and we both don't have partners, you'll give this relationship a chance.
Fairy tale-ish eh? Maybe this isn't the impression you've given me but the impression I want to believe to be true. I know I suck.
Anyway, I suppose this is the best solution for the both of us now, since we(I?) don't know what we want in life yet. It's good in a way too, as in we both don't get burdened by commitments, so we could go all out and meet new people and see if there's anyone that catches our attention. If by the time I graduate(and you have long graduated) and we don't have partners, we could give it a try. Who knows, years of waiting would be paid off if we really are meant for each other.
But let's not get all my hopes high now, because it'll really hurt if things don't progress the way I want it to.
Four more years to go. Till then, we shall just concentrate on our studies AND keep in touch. To keep the flame alive ma.
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