The New Temptation

As the title suggests, there is a new temptation in my life now. I don't even know whether it's a temptation or not but I do hope it is one because my life sucks big time now, thanks to the stress of the upcoming finals and boy issues.

Finals! It's finally here, and there's nowhere I could run to hide away from it. You study, and study, and study, and study, but it's never enough. You find that your brain is too tiny to accomodate all the information of a 800-page Biochemistry textbook, you find that you know nothing about Physiology, you find that 24 hours is not enough to be called a day, you find that the exam is riddiculous, you find that yourself is being riddiculous for choosing this profession over other professions.

Great. I truly regret insisting that I'll "come to Russia to study Medicine no matter what". Only people who can't think in their right minds would come to Russia to do Medicine as the course they offer is nowhere near satisfactory, plus Medicine isn't that great anyway.

To hell Medicine and all the people practising Medicine!

Enough about me complaining. Medicine is a great subject, no doubt about it. I wanted this, I saw it coming, and I'm gonna face it like a man! A bi man, I mean.

OK. So, new guy. I'm not exactly sure what's the situation like now but I do hope that I didn't get things wrong. There is this guy I got to know recently - well, I can't say I know him because I don't even know his name - and we've only talked twice, and this incident occured during our second conversation.

This new guy, let's call him X for now, is 2 years my junior and is an Indian. I don't know why but recent years, I have a liking for Malay and Indian guys but still, whites are always my first choice. I saw X in school today and here's what we talked:

X: Hey! What're you doing here?

Alex: Oh, just waiting for someone.

X: I see. Oh yeah, you guys have exam today right? How was it?

Alex: Yup. It was OK, MCQ is nothing compared with oral exam.

Then he went to do his stuffs while I continued waiting for my friend. After doing all his stuff, he was preparing to go home. Before he left, he said goodbye to me, wished me all the best for my exams and other good stuffs you would say to a person when he/she's going to sit for exams. I swear I was shocked to hear so much from a person I barely know. Maybe he's too friendly, but I think he's more than that. I mean I hope he's more than what I think he is. He's not the hunk everyone would fall for but he's definitely the cute boy nextdoor whom we cannot resist from liking.

Seriously, how many people you've met that would wish you "all the best for exams, blah blah blah" the SECOND time you guys had a conversation? I daresay that for most people, the number is 0. Maybe he's too friendly, maybe I'm thinking too much because I haven't get any chance to lay my eyes on Sam recently due to stupid exams but hopefully this is a new path unfolding itself for me. Everyone needs a backup plan, and he would be a great one if I can't lay my hands on Sam.

Just Say You Love Me

, please.

Stop giving me stares. Stop looking into my eyes. Stop smiling at me. Stop getting my attention. Stop being cute.

How hard is it to come to me and say those few words? Say you love me, say you adore me, say you like me, say you want me to be your freaking boyfriend!

Or at least say you want me to be your fuck buddy.

Seriously, what do you want? You always peek at me thinking that I'm not aware of it, you look right into my eyes and smile at me whenever I catch you peeping at me, you try to be near me whenever you get a chance, you're making all the small moves but you just can't bring yourself to come forward and talk to me.

I may be the one who should be making the move since I'm the elder one but you know I won't because I'm PASSIVE. I'm not that kind of guy who would walk up to you on the streets and say hi, I'm not that kind of guy who would voluntarily make small talks, I'm not that kind of guy who would do anything at all unless the other party starts doing something. I feel insecure, I'm afraid of failures, I'm socially retarded. I know what I want but I don't know what you want.

Stop making small moves, they don't help. Give me hints. Clear, significant hints.

1 more month to go before the summer holidays. Which hostel should I choose when I return for the new semester? Should I follow you to the hostel with sucky internet service which you'll be going and continue stalking you or should I choose the hostel with kick-ass internet connection where I can meet other guys online where I have chances of dating someone?

Help me choose, Sam.

It's Your Birthday

It's Sam's birthday today.

Yay.

I'm not anyone important to him anyway.

Why am I feeling depressed? So what if I didn't see him today and wish him happy birthday? Not that it mattered, at least not to him.

Why am I making my life miserable? The feeling is far from being OK. It sucks, to the max, actually. Yet, I have no intentions to get myself out of this misery. I wonder why.

Because I like a person whom I know will never love me back at all? That's the best explanation I can come up with now. It's stupid, I know, to love a person whom I know will never love me back. But isn't that what love is all about in the first place? Unconditionally without asking for return.

But that's not possible in the 21st Century. Well, at least not in Malaysia, not with a Muslim guy!

OK, I should stop babbling, now.

Anyways, Happy Birthday Sam! May lady luck always smile your way, may the God of Prosperity bring fortune to you and your family, may you score good grades in your exams, may you have good health, may you have friends that'll be there for you when you need them, may you have the bestest of life! I'll always be there for you, so don't be afraid to fall. I'll definitely catch you before you fall. Or at least I'll get someone to catch you, since I should be aiding you from a distance without your knowledge.

Enough crap. Happy birthday again, Sam.