Goo-Gaa

WARNING: This entry contains some explicit materials. If you are below 18, leave this page immediately! For those who choose to proceed, remember that you have been warned.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I think I'm not actually bisexual. Maybe I'm just the regular straight guy who's sometimes confused with his sexuality. Maybe I thought I'm gay because my friends say metrosexuals are gays. Maybe I thought I was gay cos' I was exposed first to the male sexual organ before the female's due to regular visits to the swimming pool when I was younger which required me to hang out alot in the changing room?

So many possibilities out there I don't even know what made me gay. Dayumnn I sound like a pregnant slut not knowing who the father of the unborn child is!

I do not know if it's just me or what but, I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with another man. Like, the very thought of me together with my "boyfriend" having meals, going for movies and shopping makes my stomach upset. Like, TOTALLY grossed out upset. And don't even mention doing anything intimate, I'll really puke. Not sure why, but I don't get such feeling when it comes to girls. Confused straight guy much?

Then something happened recently which made me doubt my gay-ness even more. The housing area at my place has a private club house, gym and pool. When you look out the windows of the gym you can see what's going on in the pool. So one evening, I was in the gym and when I look out of the windows, I saw a smokin' hot Caucasian man playing in the pool with his two sons. I was momentarily transported to the future where I have my own kids and we lead a very, very happy life. Problem is, there's no "significant other" in the picture. No daddy, no mommy. Just me and my son and daughter. Weird. Now before you say that those kids might be adopted, I can assure you that they're 100% fertilised using my *ahem* seeds *ahem*.

Kids!! Now I haven't seen gay parents(is there even any, knowing that the law still doesn't approve gay couples to adopt?) before but I think most gays are more interested in night clubs and sweaty sex and dirty orgies and bling-blings and Prada and Gucci(when they're in their 20s-30s) compared to kids? And there don't seem to be much gays in their 40s, 50s, and so on because love isn't the top 'priority' among gay couples so most of them break up when the party days are over and they just hide in the jungles regretting their mistakes? I may be wrong but I'm sure I'm right in some points because, no offence, the gays seem more like sex addicts than lovely people to me. And I'm stating this based on facts. Ask anyone where to find gay people and they'll say "gay clubs", "local gym", and "public pool". And the reason they're there? You and I both know.

So you really can't blame me when I say that the gays don't look like kids-loving people to me.

So yeah, unless I get a surrogate mother, the only way I think I could conceive my own children is to get married with a woman which I'm not sure I'm capable of doing because I'm a commitment phobe.

At the end of the day, I still can't tell if I'm bi or a confused straight. Can't deny the fact that I enjoy looking at hot men but to imagine myself with another man is just too much. Hot men envy perhaps? Like how girls experience penis envy?

Perhaps it's time I seek help from a professional. What do you guys think?

2 Months

In less than two weeks' time, I'll be boarding the plane back to Moscow and begin my life as a forth year medical student.

I've already been back in KL for 2 months now. Not too short, but not exactly a long holiday too. Haven't done much for the past 2 months, besides those I've mentioned previously.

Life was OK back in July when all the friends are back in KL and we would meet up so often till my mom had to hold me back, telling me I'm spending too much money outside and spending too little time at home. Then came August. Some friends left, some had plans with their other friends, some had to return to their Unis, and I was left alone with nothing to do. I was(and still am!) so bored that I thought it made no difference spending my summer break in KL or in Moscow, besides that in Moscow I get more freedom. And more allowance!

But one can never compare home with the outside world, no? No matter how good the outside world is, it can never be, and can never feel, as good as being at home.

But boredom is driving me crazy!!! Any suggestion on how to spend the last two weeks in KL?