That's Not A Freaking Wedding Ring Is It?

Life is so screwed that I feel like dying.

Seriously.

I'm back to the old me, stalking other people's Friendster account. I'm such a loser.

Exams are killing me, my liking for some people is killing me, the thought of some person not liking me is killing me.

Basically everything's killing me.

Friends are saying that I'm taking things too fast. I should be friends with Sam first, then slowly develop from there because our friendship(?) do not have a very strong base and that without a strong base, the friendship won't last long.

I wish I could have control over my brain and actually make it stop thinking about everything about Sam. But I can't. I just can't.

I'm so depressed now I feel like jumping off a cliff and just die and that my corpse will be food for sharks.

Nitey.

P/S: His Friendster profile says that he's "married". I guess this explains the ring he's wearing. It might not be what it seems but currently, my perasanness is making me think so. My perasanness is so gonna kill me someday.

This Is So Uncool

I'm in deep shit. I think I actually LOVE Sam instead of LIKE him.

Love is a very strong word, I know, but this is what I feel about him now. I wish this isn't true but for the past few days, my cerebrum seem to have given up on me. I've been doing things I never thought of, and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Last Saturday, I went to watch Sam play futsal. At 9:30PM! The temperature outside was -10 degrees Celcius! I was damn tired because I went out early in the morning, probably about 8AM and returned home only about 8:30PM, and I went to watch him play balls!

It sucks when you're not in control of your brain. You're forced to do things you didn't thought of doing.

Really, he's been playing futsal every Saturday night for the past 2 months and I've NEVER GO and NEVER THOUGHT of going to see him play, but I went last Saturday! I really don't know what's gotten into me.

And the worse thing is that on the next day, he had futsal matches, AND I WENT TO WATCH HIM PLAY, AGAIN. This time's worse. I had no idea where he was playing. So I called some friends who happened to know where the matches were held, asked for directions and off I went!

I FREAKING WALKED MORE THAN A KILOMETER TO THE PLACE BECAUSE I MISSED THE BUS. AND IT WAS SNOWING!

All my freaking brain did to make me accept the fact that he's more than a crush. Not that I'm REALLY convinced by that.

Fine, I'm in denial. I like Sam a lot. I cuddle the pillow every night when I sleep thinking that the pillow is him. I peek at him every single opportunity I get. I got his phone number. I think of him almost the whole day every day. And it's very pathetic to have him be as my batchmate but couldn't get closer to him. He's technically surrounded by his 'boyfriends' wherever he goes, admired by all the Malay girls in my batch, famous because he plays good futsal.

Me? I'm just a nobody. I know he and his father's name but he doesn't even have the faintest idea of my name. It sucks to be a nobody.

Doctors Aren't GOD

I'm going to be a terrible doctor. In fact, I won't even graduate from med school.

These are statements, not opinions.

I failed Physiology examination for the fourth time, and my Professor says that we won't make it till the end of the course "if we don't put in effort in our studies".

This is the first time in my entire life to be humiliated in such way. I mean, I was never a bright student but I do know what's going on in class OK. Not 100% but definitely more than 70%. And my Physiology lecturer has succeeded in making us look like retards.

Seriously, who on earth is he to even judge us when he's not any better.

Enough of that Physiology crap already. I'll revise my stuffs again and the next time I sit for the exam, I'll slap everything on his face. See what he has to say then.

This week is the worst week ever since I returned from Malaysia. Screwed up ALL my exams, screwed up my sleep time, and worse of all, I screwed things up between me and Sam.

Like I've always said, I never talk much to him but there is something between us that none of us can tell. It's like we're friends but we don't communicate the usual way friends do.

Let's just skip the rest of the details which aren't related to this entry.

The thing is, I think I've screwed up the way we communicate. For the past few days, I pretend not to see him at all, be in in lecture halls, classrooms or hostel. It's because recently, I saw that he's quite intimate with this guy friend of his, so intimate that they would sit together during lectures at places where there won't be anyone else near them.

Fine, I'm JEALOUS, but that's because I care for him k!

Sniff.

I think he kinda sensed that I didn't tegur sapa with him, so that day he kinda like made a chance to walk past me and say 'Hi' to me la. I don't know what's gotten into my mind, after I said 'Hi' back to him, I turned around and continued talking to my friends.

GREAT.

I think he kinda got offended la. When we were going home, we were in the same metro, the situation was so awkward that both of us were trying so hard to pretend that we do not know of each other's presence in the same metro.

MAYBE IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. MAYBE HE'S NOT GAY AND HE KNOWS THAT A HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND HE FELT DISGUSTED, THAT'S WHY HE'S DOING THIS TO ME. OMG HE'S SO MEAN!!

My life is so screwed I feel like becoming a rock. Tough and unable to feel anything at all. Then I don't have to try so hard to love a person and don't have to care whether the person loves me back or not. Coolness.

Come Get Me

I think Sam likes me too, lor.

Few days back, I went to help my friends carry groceries. Sam was there too, obviously. When we were entering the lift, Sam offered to help but I turned down his offer because the groceries weren't very heavy and that I didn't want to make him work. See la, now super-normal-friends state also I so sayang him already, can't imagine what'll happen if we really get together someday.

So, when we were entering the lift, he was behind me and he held my hand, at the elbow region. It may be just "normal friend helping normal friend getting in to the lift" but I've never seen him doing it to someone else, lor. Besides, he didn't hold me using his fingers only, his whole hand was around my elbow and it lasted for about 3 seconds. It felt really good k.

Yesterday, when I went to his room to pass him something, I wanted to ask him to come see my DotA competition but there were too many people in his room, I didn't dare to even look at him. And I've been practising for some time on how to ask him to come watch the match without sounding as if I'm inviting him to come watch me play.

But somehow, not long after I left his room and went to play my match, he came and see! There were few matches going on and he didn't really seem to bother much about how everyone perform but he sat on a chair near me and watch my team play for several minutes before he left. I think he was waiting for me to notice his presence in that room but I was too busy to turn over and say 'Hi' to him.

It's rude, especially when I'm trying to be closer to him AS A FRIEND, but maybe what I did was right. My team lost in the match and I think he didn't has to be there to witness how pathetic I was.

I won the next match though.

I really hope that he likes me too la, then we can skip all the 'hard-to-get' crap and jump straight to the part where we could do things together, hold hands, cuddle each other and sleep every night. I'm tired of cuddling my bolster already. I want something warmer, has a heart beat and is responsive.