Obsession

I am officially not the old me anymore. Back then, I never participate an any clubs or societies.

Well, I did join clubs, just that I never attented their weekly meetings and any event which the club held. Now, I am more than an 'Ahli Biasa' in the club I joined. I hold a post in the club, went for several meetings and participated in past events. In fact, I'm now part of the committee which is in-charge of the latest event.

Is this good news? To be involving myself in things happening around me, to be part of something, to hang out with people instead of hiding in the room all day. I think it's a good start to pull myself back to the active form since I've been in the inactive form for at least 5 years.

Talk about good news, there is a good news which happened today. I HAVE SAM'S CONTACT NUMBER! I did not get it from someone else, I did not make people ask for his number OK. But I did not ask him for his number myself either. Whatever. His contact number is displayed on the notice board, and I happen to see it, so... But not that I'm that desperate to contact him OK.

Actually I am, but I have dignity too! I have his number written down on a paper but I don't plan to save it in my phonebook. What if he's not gay? I might freak him out if I contact him for no reason. Now that MY contact number is also on the notice board, I don't have to worry him not knowing my number, unless he didn't read the notice or he's not interested in me, or he doesn't know my name at all. I hope he knows my name, if not I can die. I spent so much time stalking him and if he's interested in me but didn't bother to even find out my name, he's done for.

Wish I could message and let him know how much I like him. But things will be better if we introduce ourselves to each other and exchange numbers and from there we see how we work things out.

The time I spent thinking of things like this, it'd be of much better use if I used it on my studies. I'd become the top student in my group already. Hah.

Shopping

First of all, I would like to say that I'm extremely ashamed of myself. The previous entries make no sense at all and I bet I wasted lots of people's time reading my entries.

Not that I really cared though.

Hah, I wasted another minute of your time.

Before you slap me, please allow me to say something. After that, you can do whatever you want to me. Virtually.

Guess what, I'm a HOMOPHOBIC! Seriously! I don't know what's gotten into me but recently, no offence, the thought of sissy gay couples totally freak the hell out of me la! I don't know why but I think it's weird for a bi boy to be freaked out by thoughts of sissy gays.

But it doesn't mean that I discriminate them OK. But this is not what I'm concerned about. I'm more concerned about me being freaked out by this matter. I mean, I'm bi but I didn't expcet myself to be freaked out when it comes to things like this.

Besides, honestly, I've never imagine myself involving in gay sex with anyone. I know I always talk big about sex and stuff but really, what I see in a relationship is anything but sex, especially gay sex.

I'm starting to wonder whether I'm drifting to the straight guy path or it's just because I haven't got a haircut. Bad hair days are so making me look like an ordinary straight geek. On bad hair days, not only will I become like everyone else wearing The-last-last-last season's top and an unmatching jeans, I don't even bother to look at myself in the mirror much before I leave for classes. Talk about becoming a metrosexual, I'm such a shame to everybody.

And to make myself even worse, I have no freaking idea where to buy nice bags here in Moscow la! The metrosexual guys here all have freaking beautiful bags but I never see such nice bags anywhere in malls! Even their clothes look as though they didn't come from any shop in Russia! It's saddening!

But what to do, living in a foreign country isn't easy. It's even harder when the people in that country don't speak any of the languages you know. It's hell for those who love shopping for nice clothes and accessories but not know how to reach them.

But the factor which really ownZ everyone is the price. EVERYTHING is much more expensive than they are back home. Aih.

The Time of the Month

I hope this is not the testosterone talking but..

TURKEY GUYS ARE HOT! SO FREAKING HOT!

Last semester, before I returned home for summer holidays, I met with people from Turkey. The girls are OK-ish, but the guy was above average lor! Too bad they didn't stay for long. They only came to study Russian language for several months.

This semester, I saw several new faces. This time, there are two guys which I think are quite good looking. One of them has the cute look like blogger Stefano while the other has the hunky bad boy look. I don't know about the cute guy but I think the hunk is not that straight. It's only an assumption though, since my gaydar never worked anyway.

Why do I think that he's not that straight? Well, that's because I saw him checking me out when we were waiting for the lift to arrive yesterday. He was with his friends at first, but when the lift arrived, he couldn't enter because the lift was full, so he waited for the next lift. When he was waiting for the next lift, I saw him checking me out. But when I looked at him, he pretended that he was staring into space.

Well, one might say that it's OK for one to check another person out but a guy don't usually check another guy out that long, so it's not OK.

Is this a chance? Or is it another unfulfilled hope? I don't know.


***


It's the time of the year! It's snowing! Yay!

Fuck winter. It's all about the cold weather and the munow(mud+snow), so freaking unpleasant. And the worse thing is I bought a pair of jeans the day before it started snowing. Jeans don't keep people warm! If only I know it's gonna snow so soon I'd have used the money to buy a winter coat!

Darn it.


***


My portable hard disc freaking spoiled. Reason? I don't know. And the reason I don't know is not because I know nothing about computers. There's not rational explanation for this, it just freaking spoiled after I restarted my laptop. Even asked the pros to help but I just couldn't access my hard disc.

All the important documents are in my portable hard disc. Great.


***


I'm starting to lose hope in the gay scene. I'm not as strong as I thought I am. It's unbearable, to be hiding in the closet, afraid of being discovered. But at the same time I desire for love, the forbidden male-and-male love.

Coming out of the closet is not an option, when family and friends have homophobia. It's not easy to make myself fit into the society. Instead of believing that I'm a bi boy who's obsessed with labels, I'm making myself believe that I'm nothing more than a metrosexual straight guy. Well, at least by making others believe that I'm metrosexual, I can be a shopaholic and not worry being told that I'm weird.

All the things I do to hide my identity but not have to fake what I like. It's so taxing. All these hard work will be paid off in the future, I hope.

For now, I'll just wait and see if there's any empty space left for me in this gay scene.

Hypertension.. soon

Selamat Hari Raya to the Muslims! Selamat Hari Raya, Sam!

As if he cares so much whether I wish him or not.

Bah.

But I think he cares la cos' today he passed by my classroom and I think he paused and looked at me for like, say, 0.000000001 second?

I know it's so insignificant but it means something to me.

FINE, IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. HAPPY?

Period.

Loads of exams these few weeks! Managed to pass 1(one) subject out of 4 subjects which I sat for. Blardy can jump off the cliff and die la!

What to do, I stupid ma. I'm so stupid that I can still watch Heroes, Prison Break and Bleach the night before my exam. I think my adrenal glands are blocked or what. I don't feel tensed at all. In fact, I'm so relaxed that my heart almost needed a boost of adrenaline.

"Tell me about the parts of the brain. How many tracts are there in total? How many sensory tracts, how many motor tracts? Tell me about Tractus Spinothalamicus. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Um..."


****


One of my classmates is becoming more and more riddiculus.

"Anatomy is nothing la, study a bit then score d!"
"Fuck A la, he thought he very smart la now! Wait la, I'll make him bow before me!"
"Fuck B la, he thought I very scared of him la now?! Ask him wait la!"
"Fuck C la, He so stupid somemore dare comment on my results!"

Seriously, fuck you la. Why blardy abuse the trust our teachers have in you? Why blardy think so highly of yourself? You wait la, someday someone will slap you back with even better results.
The person wouldn't be me of course. Why make myself sit and study so much when I can spend more time reading GQ and go shopping?

I'm smart.

When Non-Functional Gaydar Meets Fashion Disaster

This is a long post, so don't read unless you really have free time to kill.

Serious, no joke.

So, here goes! First of all, I would like to apologise for not making it clear who 'Leo', 'Sam' and 'Sean' are. Actually, Leo is a friend I knew since Primary 2 and I kinda have a crush on him, on and off. It wasn't until recently that I got the guts to ask him out on a date. The date went pretty well, and I bet it wouldn't be the last.

As for Sam and Sean, they're my current coursemates. Sam is Malay and Sean is Indian. I used to have quite a big crush on Sean but now, I'm not really a big fan of him, mostly because of him acting TOO cool on me. He barely acknowledges my existence OK.

Sam is different. We never really talked, never exchange numbers, never had proper self-introduction, but somehow he wasn't as cold as Sean is, though occasionally he can be an ass like Sean. I never really know what he thinks of me because: 1)I'm Chinese and he's Malay, 2)Malays are the least likely persons who'll ever come out of the closet, 3)Religion, 4)Religion.

Plus my Gaydar sucks. It never picks up any signal, at all.

I don't know whether it's just me or what but really, I don't think a Chinese GUY and a Malay GUY can ever work anything out in a relationship, especially in Malaysia. He's a government sponsored student, he has to work for the government for many years after he graduates(unless he pays back his loan, which I doubt he'll do so). Besides, Malaysia is his home, I bet he won't flee to other countries for the sake of his partner.

But then again maybe it's just me who's been thinking too much. But I know it's not true la. I think he has a thing for me too. He's been sending obvious signals to me this week. He walked all the way to stand behind me to listen to our lecturer's explanation on something when it's actually much nearer, easier and comfortable for him to just stand beside the teacher and listen. But I'm happy that he chose to stand behind me, trying to look attentive when actually he's trying to get closer to me. Haha, perasan-nyer aku. We took the same bus ride home and I caught him looking at me quite a number of times and whenever he knew that I'd caught him, he'd quickly turn around and look at something else. I was looking at him the whole time, and only if he didn't turn away so quickly, I could've sent him a smile or a wink. Heh. When we reached our hostel, he purposely walked beside me almost the whole time. But sadly I was too nervous to talk, I didn't unplug my iPod's earphones. We walked side-by-side without talking. It felt good, but then again I've missed a chance to actually talk to him. And it all ended when the lift he boarded was full and I couldn't enter.

We live in different floors.


***


What would you wear to a dicso? A bright purple folded-up-to-elbow shirt, a pair of dirty green jeans and a brown hat? Or a light blue mini jeans skirt, black short sleeve shirt with a brown-white striped tie borrowed from your father?

If it's so, I'd reckon' you to stay home and not embarass yourselves in public. Seriously, do party GIRLS dress like this?

Oh, they're not KL-Lites. I forgot, my bad.

BUT I EXPECTED SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! BOTH OF YOU ARE NO TALLER THAN 160cm, ONE LOOKS LIKE A PUMPKIN AND THE OTHER RESEMBLES A STICK. To actually match brown hat with bright purple shirt and dirty green jeans, mini jeans skirt with black shirt and brown-white striped tie, I can tell that you girls don't have mirrors in your rooms!

Really, it's the 21st century, NOBODY wears their father's tie to a party, NOBODY wears a brown hat to a party. NOBODY dress like this to party. NOBODY. Even if the theme is cross-dressing, both of you have failed, like, totally. This is what happens when girls try to dress pretty and macho at the same time. The result is obvious. It can totally be ranked number one in 'Fashion Disaster of All Time'.

I was lucky to not die on the spot after looking at them. It really takes some guts to dress like this and walk on the streets. Girls, I salute you for being so brave, but next time, do consult me before you dress up for a party, OK? Who knows, this may be the cure of you being a singleton for so many years. It's time to get laid, ladies!