Lub, Dub?

The pain I sustain is unbearable. Everytime I see them, my heart ached as if I'm experiencing heart failure. No one understands how I feel, no one knows what I'm going through, no one cares for my insignificant existence.

I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.

The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.

I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.

I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around him to see whether I'm there, I just acted as if I didn't know he had entered the train. In the school before the classes start, we had eye contact in the corridoor but we both turned away very soon. After class ended, when we got out of the metro station, I did not get up to the same bus as him. He knew I was there but he too acted as if he didn't see me. Until now, I've not seen him.

The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.

Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?

Simple And Clean, Not

I seriously pity myself. Someday I'm really going to regret that I've been spending my whole life sleeping, eating and playing. My life is so boring that there's nothing to blog about holidays, unless you think that sleeping for 10 hours a day and spending the rest watching movies, eating and day-dreaming are things worth blogging.

Well, new semester began yesterday. Only the first day of class but was late for Anatomy lecture(everyone else's late too, btw), met my new Anatomy lecturer which made us do things we've never done before during practical class(she actually made us draw the digestive system of human and label them in both English and Latin!), met this Histology lecturer who gave the first Histology lecture and as usual none of the students understood what was she trying to say. Not to forget, only a total of 30 minutes breaktime for a 9 to 5 class. Ironic.

Will be spending every Thursday for the next 3.5 months dreading to attend lectures and practical classes. Sigh...

As expected, saw the both of them during Anatomy and Histology lectures today. My mind is tired of this but I just can't help looking at them. Brain has problem analysing signals as usual, can't take my eyes off them, mind went blank and there I was, sitting in the lecture hall, my hands and ears on auto-pilot.

As expected, I won't be able to get over them unless I have no contacts of any sort with them. It's impossible not to see them unless we're staying in different hostels. It's impossible not to see them unless none of our classes occur to be at the same place/time. It's impossible not to see them unless I track them down and avoid them as much as I can.

But these are impossible because we DO stay in the same hostel, none of us can escape lectures and plainly because I can't afford buying tracking devices. Well, the last one is just crap, nevermind that.

Is it true that despite being mentally strong, a person can never be normal when he/she comes face to face with the person he/she likes? I'm quite a big help when it comes to helping others solve relationship problems(as my friends all claim), but when it comes to my own relationship problems, I just couldn't handle it myself. Nothing seems to be right. Eyes don't seem to see the truth, ears don't seem to hear properly, brain seems to be analysing things wrongly, body actions are so weird that I sometimes fear that my body will betray myself.

I'm slowly losing co-ordination, not knowing what's right and what's wrong, not knowing what's the truth and what's not, not knowing why am I feeling like this. I'm already physically deteriorating. Used to make sure my hair looks good in public, make sure my breath doesn't stink, make sure I wear decently and never leave my accessories behind. But now, what's left are a not so satisfying hairstyle, still decent but not so up-to-style clothes, a jacket which looks like the one every average kid owns, a nerdy bagpack, spectacles which screws are loose and am not bothered to tighthen them, and accessories which I've smartly left behind at home. Basically, I now look like any average, boring kid anyone can easily find anywhere. Everyone in my university says that I look totally different from myself back in college. But there's nothing I can do. How am I supposed to get a desired hairstyle if I can't communicate with Russians hairstylists? I don't have enough funds to make myself dress better because it's not so good to ask for so much money from parents when they've already paid for my tuition fees studying abroad. I want to buy accessories but what's the point of wearing them if they only make myself look more horrendous? Imagine an average guy with that standard haristyle and not tastefully dressed wearing rings on his hands, necklaces and piercings, probably?

That should stop or everyone reading this would be foaming in front of their computer monitors. Haha.

Well, the fashion part has nothing to do with me falling for them but I think that if I were to dress like the old me, I might at least get some attention from them. If only I have a hairdresser and my accessories with me, things could've been better. The way I look now is so horrendous that I myself might probably get a heart failure looking myself in the mirror. No joke.

No, don't make me start making everyone imagine something horrendous and start foaming again(if you did just now). Well, that's all for today. In desperate need for comments! Everyone do comment k!

Nitez!

Dancing Fire

Most crushes don't last long. Usually they only last for days or weeks. Sometimes they may last for months but only in very rare cases that they last for years. I'm glad mine lasted only for 2 months.

I once had multiple crushes at the same time and the period of the crushes lasted for almost a year. It is actually quite terrifying when I think of it now, but I'm glad that I'm now in a different institution from them. But still this isn't part of what I intend to blog about.

Anyway.

For those who has been reading my entries, you all should know that I had 4 crushes, which later reduced to 2, a Malay guy and an Indian guy.

When I initially started having crushes on them, I thought it would be very hard not to develop feelings for them, and even harder when I started being emo over things that they do. I once cursed the Malay guy for suspecting him having a boyfriend and later found out that he might have a girlfriend but still was sure that he's gay. I once got very upset because the Indian guy had chicken pox and almost cursed the person who infected him.

But, a month of holiday was worth it. Turns out I'm starting to have less interest on them now. Saw the Malay guy in a supermarket few days ago. He had a hair-cut and look very, VERY cute, but had only managed to make my brain go haywire for less than 5 minutes. Before this, seeing him for 10 seconds a day was enough to get me 'high' for few days. I guess it's a good sign. As for the Indian guy, I saw him at the corridoors on the floor I'm staying at(we stay in different floors, in case any of you has forgotten) talking with our batchmate. Attractive as usual, but I walked away just like that. Well, I did turn around and walked past the same place several times but later when he suddenly disappeared, I didn't feel nervous or anxious at all. In fact, I just acted as if nothing has happened and within minutes, I've already stopped thinking about him. Also a positive sign I hope.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that when the next semester begins, I'll be seeing them quite often again and that I might start having crushes on them again. I have very low immunity for cases like this, and I really don't hope that I'll have crushes on them again. This is a 6-year course and I don't wish that I'll be spending all of it having crushes on them, stop, and then having crushes on them all over again.

I'm tired of this. I don't want a forest fire which was put off few moments ago to come alive again and continue burning the forest until nothing's left.

I just don't want to.

Relationships Are Based On Lies

Have you ever seen someone who has never lied?

If you do, introduce me to that person. I would be more than happy to meet that person.

No one's perfect, and a relationship, any relationship, would use the help of some lies to make things better. It would've been better to lie to your girlfriend that you didn't go to the bar to get a drink than telling her the truth and having her suspect that you're having an affair. It would've been better to lie to your wife that you have erectile dysfunction than telling her that you don't want to have sex with her because you don't find her attractive anymore. It would've been better to tell your parents that you're busy for the weekend and wouldn't be able to visit them than telling them that you're sick of travelling 500 miles every weekend to visit them. And the list of lies goes on.

Lies are not necessarily negative. Some people lie for bad reasons, some claim to lie for good reasons, but some claim to lie just for the fun of it. The bottomline is that everybody lies, no matter what the reason is.

So, the next time a person says he doesn't lie, he is actually lying for saying that he doesn't.


P/S: Yes, I do understand that my points aren't stated out clearly and this entry is far too short than it should be. Have lots of things to blog about, but I just didn't have the mood to make myself write.