Piece of Me

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They're still gonna take pictures of my derriere in the magazine
You want a piece of me?

Yeah baby, you sure do want a piece of me!

I am super hyper right now! I.GOT.CHECKED.OUT.BY.A.GUY.IN.THE.LIFT.YESTERDAY.

Ahahahahahahah!!

I know I'm making a big deal over this matter. I'm sorry to waste your time but heck, I rarely got checked out by a person and I'm definitely gonna blast this news into the blogosphere!

Well, maybe I do get check outs but I never knew. I wouldn't even know that I got checked out this afternoon if my friends didn't tell me. Once again I'm saying that my gaydar isn't functioning well because it's wavelengths are interfering with my straightdar(is this the correct term?). It still hasn't got fixed, and won't be fixed any time soon, thanks to my couldn't-care-less attitude.

This incident occured in the afternoon when I was back from school. This guy walked past us(my friends and I) in the lobby of the hostel and my friends went "look! There are four girls and a guy here and that guy looked ONLY at Alex!". I didn't know what they were trying to say, so I asked:"Why do you guys say so?". According to the girls, that guy is gay because they once saw him check their male friend's ass out. But it's only their assumption as there's no solid evidence to prove that he's gay.

When we were waiting for the lift to arrive, the guy came back. As usual, the girls teased me by saying that the guy came back for me and that I should go introduce myself to him and befriend him. Luckily, the lift arrived soon enough to save me from their teasing.

Or so I thought. The most we entered the lift, things became worse. The guy stood on my front left side, facing towards me and he took a great time checking me out. He actually dared to check me out in a lift filled only with girls besides me and him. My friends observed the situation and there they go trying to prove their point that he's gay. "Look, he's checking you out again. There are girls around him but he's looking only at you!" Really, he checked me out from top to toe and kept observing my facial expressions. But what blew my mind was the thing he did before exiting the lift. He looked at me and made a SLOW 180 degrees turn before exiting the lift. He wanted me to look at him from different angles!

At that point, the only thing holding me back is the fact that my friends don't know I'm bi and I'm not ready to come out to them. Seriously, if my friends weren't with me the whole time, I think I would've already pounced on him in the lift itself. He's not bad looking, he's not Asian(tho I'm Asian, Asians just don't seem to turn me on alot), plus he has that sexy facial hair which I love most in a man(I think I really have a fetish for facial hair). And those beautiful, charming eyes too.

No way I should pass this one, rite?

This Is Life

Nothing makes sense. I know nothing. I understand nothing. Studies, things around me, anything at all. I know nothing about all these.

Really, I don't even know what on earth am I supposed to do. I may be a medical student but inside me, there are several other MEs. One of them wants to be a fashion designer, another a model. Then there's one who wants to be a stay-home dad. Really, there really are so many of us in one body it starts to bother me. A lot.

To be a doctor has been my ambition since young, so here am I in a med school trying to get a medical degree. Well, the thought of becoming a fashion designer sprouted only about 2 years ago but it's influence on me is very strong. It made me more self-conscious on what I wear, which is good. What's not good is that I'm becoming a critic. Not only am I now a fashion critic, I'm basically a critic of everything. Luckily, my inability to draw helped in repressing the inner devil. If not for that, I think I would've ditched med school for an art school and become a worse critic.

Stay-home dad. Who wouldn't want to stay home and look after their own kids? Given the chance, I would stay home to take care of my kids and I'll make sure that they'll grow up the way I didn't grew up. I'll send them to a mandarin-speaking elementary school, then to an international high school. Later, they'll do their Pre-U course in a well-known college before flying off to the countries which give the best education for the courses my kids will be pursuing. That's only for their academics. For co-curricular activities, I'll make sure they take up either drawing or piano lessons until they've reached 8th grade. All of them must take up swimming lessons but not involved in it too much before puberty to prevent stunted growth. Before they enter college, they'll have to learn the art of fine-dining. But the most important thing is to make them read, listen, speak and write good English. Off to the British Council they go!

If only women cared less about who being the breadwinner of the family. If only I ever get married. Sigh.

Enough about that. Let's talk about my fantasy of being a model. Honestly, who doesn't want to be a model? Often, people don't get to be models because they don't have what it takes to be. This one reason is more than enough to eliminate more than three-quarters of the population on earth of becoming a model. So, what it takes to be a model? To be a male model, one should stand between 5'10 and 6'2 tall, 6'0 being the preferred height and wears a size 40 suit. When you've passed these two criterias, other criterias come in. Weight, posture, bone structure, looks. You name it.

I stand at 5'11. 6'0 may be the preferred height but hey, I'm Asian, 5'11 is not too bad! Unfortunately, I only wear a size 36-37 suit. I might be an inch shorter than the preferred height but my chest is at least 3 sizes below the standard size! Besides, I'm under-weight. People my age and my height should weight 70kgs and above but I'm struggling to maintain my weight of 60kgs! Posture? I can stand as tall as 5'11 but most of the time I stand only at 5'9 or 5'10. Reason? I freaking can't stand straight. Most of the time of my life I hunch my back when I walk. The condition was worse when I was young, but it's better now that I've come to realise how serious the situation was and made the effort to get my posture right. People need to have broad shoulders too as they look nice in a suit and also sexy in a plain tank top as they swing their arms when they walk. Facial characteristics are very important too, but their degree of importance differs according to needs of different fields. Say, a cover guy's looks is more important than a runway model's because chances of people looking at a cover guy on a magazine is higher than a runway model. But I don't mean that a runway model's looks aren't important! Thus the question:"What does an Asian has to offer to the modelling world?" Most Asians don't have squared jaws, don't have pointed nose, don't have much facial hair to boost the masculine looks. I'm just a typical Asian, plus I have thin eyebrows and looks of a 16 year old! Besides, my hair is bad. Seriously, how many 21 year olds out there who're self-conscious but just couldn't get the hair that suits themselves? I prefer my hair short but my friends say that I look better with medium length hair. Maybe it's time to just pay more to hire a hair-stylist to decide what's best for me.

Sigh is the only thing I can do now, but I'm not gonna give up. When I return to Malaysia, I'm going to consult a nutritionist on what I should eat to gain weight. Then, I'll hit the gym and pool to build up some muscles. Supplements are a need to help gain weight and muscles faster. I'll also sun-bathe and this time, I'm definitely getting a tan(last year, I tried getting a tan but failed). About my looks and my thin eyebrows, let steroids do the work. I suspect it's because of the insufficient production of testosterone that caused the thin brows and the stunted maturation of my looks. Hopefully by then facial hair starts to grow. Facial hair is so sexy. And no, I'm not talking about having a goatee. Something like what Jeff Pickel of America's Most Smartest Model has will do.

Look where my fantasy has taken us to. Sigh. If only I cared less about how I look and am more satisfied with what I have now, things would've been better. But since it has happened, the only thing I can do now is to keep improving the way I look. There's no room for failing!

Love Is Beautiful

At this very moment, I wish to be loved. Well, love as in a boyfriend or girlfriend kinda love.

The feeling of being loved is so good, so good that I feel that I'm the biggest fool to ever let it go.

It's been 18 months since I broke up with my ex. It's been 18 months since I last kissed another person(besides my mum, duh). It's been 18 months since I last held hands with another person. It's been 18 months since I last felt love.

There are several candidates along the way but I just can't bring myself to feel whatever I'm supposed to feel. I definitely have moved on, though I still miss the times when I was with her.

Ever since he appeared in my life, nothing feels right. There's always this urge to know more about him, to befriend him, to be part of his life. Compared with 12 months ago, nothing much has changed, besides me knowing facts about him and he knows nothing about me.

The only person to be blamed in this case is me. I was not ready to part with her, I Was not ready to travel so far from home for my studies, I didn't have enough faith in long-distance relationships. I like him, and still do even after I found out that he's straight.

But my stubborn brain just doesn't want to register this piece of information. Really, how often do you meet someone who can really play futsal, knows nothing about fashion, doesn't cook well, exceptionally good in studies and the only time he's out of the hostel besides attending lessons is to restock his groceries to be gay? Or bi.

OK. Guys who play the male role in a guy-guy relationship often display characteristics of a straight man, but we non-straight guys know whether another guy is straight or not. Gay men don't usually play futsal. Even if they do, they can't be anywhere on the top. Gay men SHOULD at least know something about fashion, if not more. I can assure you, he doesn't even know the fashion world exists.

Well, cooking. I don't cook well too, but I at least try! I seldom see him cook, and most of the time when I do see him cook, it's fried rice or some simple chicken dishes. He is straight! But my brain thinks otherwise. The "signals"? It's just me. Dear old obssessed me, hoping that there's a slight chance that some things within him are bent.

Look where my obssession is driving me to. Totally out of the topic.

Back to love. So yeah, I want to be loved again, I want to provide love to the person who loves me, I want to love the person that I love no matter he loves me back or not.

Love me please, Sam.