What's That Smell?

I'm a bad cook. I could barely prepare a meal for myself, what more for others?

I so pity my future partner.

I'm not good at preparing meals, but there are a few dishes that I'm able to prepare without making the dish taste awfully bad.

But that was the past. This semester, I couldn't prepare a proper meal for myself, not even once! Either the egg was burnt, the vege was tasteless or too salty or chicken tasted like fish. I even burned my fried rice.

YES, FRIED RICE WAS BURNT! For God's sake, I think I'm the only person in my batch who's still able to fry rice until it burned!

Porridge. Has anyone tasted super tasteless or super salty porridge? I have. There isn't a single time where I've cooked an edible pot of porridge. Either it's tasteless or it's too salty because salt was the only thing I add into my porridge. I've tried putting onions and meat in porridge but still it tasted so much different from the porridge other people cook.

Maybe I don't have talent in cooking AT ALL. I should stop cooking so that the world shall not suffer from the food I cook for them to eat.

The porridge I just cooked is a bit too salty and the meat is barely cook.

Bah.

***

It's not wrong to watch gay-themed movies, right?

Apparently my friends are thinking that I'm gay because they say that I have "a collection of gay themed movies", which is like what, 5 movies out of more than 60 movies I currently have in my hard disk and DVDs? It's less than 10% la please. If I own more than a dozen DVDs which contains gay themed movies then maybe you can start suspecting la.

I'm not gay OK, just a half gay la. Haha.

But it's a good thing for people to think that I'm gay and me saying that I'm not gay because I memang isn't gay. I'm not lying to them so there's nothing wrong with it. Besides, if Sam gets to know about this, it might be a good thing for both of us. Not only can he confirm that I'm HALF gay, he can come express his feelings for me without being afraid that he might scare me off.

I'm so sick la. My friend said that I might had Obsessive and Compulsive Disorder. I kinda agree la actually. I so need a psychiatrist now. But what la, if Sam likes me then don't la sometimes keep paying attention to me, sometimes don't even look at me, then sometimes avoiding me, then sometimes so happy to see me, make me confuse nia.

What the hell la, who says ceffeine can keep you awake? I drank 2 cups of coffee liao still feel sleepy like shit. Need study for Anatomy somemore, can die la.

That's Not A Freaking Wedding Ring Is It?

Life is so screwed that I feel like dying.

Seriously.

I'm back to the old me, stalking other people's Friendster account. I'm such a loser.

Exams are killing me, my liking for some people is killing me, the thought of some person not liking me is killing me.

Basically everything's killing me.

Friends are saying that I'm taking things too fast. I should be friends with Sam first, then slowly develop from there because our friendship(?) do not have a very strong base and that without a strong base, the friendship won't last long.

I wish I could have control over my brain and actually make it stop thinking about everything about Sam. But I can't. I just can't.

I'm so depressed now I feel like jumping off a cliff and just die and that my corpse will be food for sharks.

Nitey.

P/S: His Friendster profile says that he's "married". I guess this explains the ring he's wearing. It might not be what it seems but currently, my perasanness is making me think so. My perasanness is so gonna kill me someday.

This Is So Uncool

I'm in deep shit. I think I actually LOVE Sam instead of LIKE him.

Love is a very strong word, I know, but this is what I feel about him now. I wish this isn't true but for the past few days, my cerebrum seem to have given up on me. I've been doing things I never thought of, and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Last Saturday, I went to watch Sam play futsal. At 9:30PM! The temperature outside was -10 degrees Celcius! I was damn tired because I went out early in the morning, probably about 8AM and returned home only about 8:30PM, and I went to watch him play balls!

It sucks when you're not in control of your brain. You're forced to do things you didn't thought of doing.

Really, he's been playing futsal every Saturday night for the past 2 months and I've NEVER GO and NEVER THOUGHT of going to see him play, but I went last Saturday! I really don't know what's gotten into me.

And the worse thing is that on the next day, he had futsal matches, AND I WENT TO WATCH HIM PLAY, AGAIN. This time's worse. I had no idea where he was playing. So I called some friends who happened to know where the matches were held, asked for directions and off I went!

I FREAKING WALKED MORE THAN A KILOMETER TO THE PLACE BECAUSE I MISSED THE BUS. AND IT WAS SNOWING!

All my freaking brain did to make me accept the fact that he's more than a crush. Not that I'm REALLY convinced by that.

Fine, I'm in denial. I like Sam a lot. I cuddle the pillow every night when I sleep thinking that the pillow is him. I peek at him every single opportunity I get. I got his phone number. I think of him almost the whole day every day. And it's very pathetic to have him be as my batchmate but couldn't get closer to him. He's technically surrounded by his 'boyfriends' wherever he goes, admired by all the Malay girls in my batch, famous because he plays good futsal.

Me? I'm just a nobody. I know he and his father's name but he doesn't even have the faintest idea of my name. It sucks to be a nobody.

Doctors Aren't GOD

I'm going to be a terrible doctor. In fact, I won't even graduate from med school.

These are statements, not opinions.

I failed Physiology examination for the fourth time, and my Professor says that we won't make it till the end of the course "if we don't put in effort in our studies".

This is the first time in my entire life to be humiliated in such way. I mean, I was never a bright student but I do know what's going on in class OK. Not 100% but definitely more than 70%. And my Physiology lecturer has succeeded in making us look like retards.

Seriously, who on earth is he to even judge us when he's not any better.

Enough of that Physiology crap already. I'll revise my stuffs again and the next time I sit for the exam, I'll slap everything on his face. See what he has to say then.

This week is the worst week ever since I returned from Malaysia. Screwed up ALL my exams, screwed up my sleep time, and worse of all, I screwed things up between me and Sam.

Like I've always said, I never talk much to him but there is something between us that none of us can tell. It's like we're friends but we don't communicate the usual way friends do.

Let's just skip the rest of the details which aren't related to this entry.

The thing is, I think I've screwed up the way we communicate. For the past few days, I pretend not to see him at all, be in in lecture halls, classrooms or hostel. It's because recently, I saw that he's quite intimate with this guy friend of his, so intimate that they would sit together during lectures at places where there won't be anyone else near them.

Fine, I'm JEALOUS, but that's because I care for him k!

Sniff.

I think he kinda sensed that I didn't tegur sapa with him, so that day he kinda like made a chance to walk past me and say 'Hi' to me la. I don't know what's gotten into my mind, after I said 'Hi' back to him, I turned around and continued talking to my friends.

GREAT.

I think he kinda got offended la. When we were going home, we were in the same metro, the situation was so awkward that both of us were trying so hard to pretend that we do not know of each other's presence in the same metro.

MAYBE IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. MAYBE HE'S NOT GAY AND HE KNOWS THAT A HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND HE FELT DISGUSTED, THAT'S WHY HE'S DOING THIS TO ME. OMG HE'S SO MEAN!!

My life is so screwed I feel like becoming a rock. Tough and unable to feel anything at all. Then I don't have to try so hard to love a person and don't have to care whether the person loves me back or not. Coolness.

Come Get Me

I think Sam likes me too, lor.

Few days back, I went to help my friends carry groceries. Sam was there too, obviously. When we were entering the lift, Sam offered to help but I turned down his offer because the groceries weren't very heavy and that I didn't want to make him work. See la, now super-normal-friends state also I so sayang him already, can't imagine what'll happen if we really get together someday.

So, when we were entering the lift, he was behind me and he held my hand, at the elbow region. It may be just "normal friend helping normal friend getting in to the lift" but I've never seen him doing it to someone else, lor. Besides, he didn't hold me using his fingers only, his whole hand was around my elbow and it lasted for about 3 seconds. It felt really good k.

Yesterday, when I went to his room to pass him something, I wanted to ask him to come see my DotA competition but there were too many people in his room, I didn't dare to even look at him. And I've been practising for some time on how to ask him to come watch the match without sounding as if I'm inviting him to come watch me play.

But somehow, not long after I left his room and went to play my match, he came and see! There were few matches going on and he didn't really seem to bother much about how everyone perform but he sat on a chair near me and watch my team play for several minutes before he left. I think he was waiting for me to notice his presence in that room but I was too busy to turn over and say 'Hi' to him.

It's rude, especially when I'm trying to be closer to him AS A FRIEND, but maybe what I did was right. My team lost in the match and I think he didn't has to be there to witness how pathetic I was.

I won the next match though.

I really hope that he likes me too la, then we can skip all the 'hard-to-get' crap and jump straight to the part where we could do things together, hold hands, cuddle each other and sleep every night. I'm tired of cuddling my bolster already. I want something warmer, has a heart beat and is responsive.

Obsession

I am officially not the old me anymore. Back then, I never participate an any clubs or societies.

Well, I did join clubs, just that I never attented their weekly meetings and any event which the club held. Now, I am more than an 'Ahli Biasa' in the club I joined. I hold a post in the club, went for several meetings and participated in past events. In fact, I'm now part of the committee which is in-charge of the latest event.

Is this good news? To be involving myself in things happening around me, to be part of something, to hang out with people instead of hiding in the room all day. I think it's a good start to pull myself back to the active form since I've been in the inactive form for at least 5 years.

Talk about good news, there is a good news which happened today. I HAVE SAM'S CONTACT NUMBER! I did not get it from someone else, I did not make people ask for his number OK. But I did not ask him for his number myself either. Whatever. His contact number is displayed on the notice board, and I happen to see it, so... But not that I'm that desperate to contact him OK.

Actually I am, but I have dignity too! I have his number written down on a paper but I don't plan to save it in my phonebook. What if he's not gay? I might freak him out if I contact him for no reason. Now that MY contact number is also on the notice board, I don't have to worry him not knowing my number, unless he didn't read the notice or he's not interested in me, or he doesn't know my name at all. I hope he knows my name, if not I can die. I spent so much time stalking him and if he's interested in me but didn't bother to even find out my name, he's done for.

Wish I could message and let him know how much I like him. But things will be better if we introduce ourselves to each other and exchange numbers and from there we see how we work things out.

The time I spent thinking of things like this, it'd be of much better use if I used it on my studies. I'd become the top student in my group already. Hah.

Shopping

First of all, I would like to say that I'm extremely ashamed of myself. The previous entries make no sense at all and I bet I wasted lots of people's time reading my entries.

Not that I really cared though.

Hah, I wasted another minute of your time.

Before you slap me, please allow me to say something. After that, you can do whatever you want to me. Virtually.

Guess what, I'm a HOMOPHOBIC! Seriously! I don't know what's gotten into me but recently, no offence, the thought of sissy gay couples totally freak the hell out of me la! I don't know why but I think it's weird for a bi boy to be freaked out by thoughts of sissy gays.

But it doesn't mean that I discriminate them OK. But this is not what I'm concerned about. I'm more concerned about me being freaked out by this matter. I mean, I'm bi but I didn't expcet myself to be freaked out when it comes to things like this.

Besides, honestly, I've never imagine myself involving in gay sex with anyone. I know I always talk big about sex and stuff but really, what I see in a relationship is anything but sex, especially gay sex.

I'm starting to wonder whether I'm drifting to the straight guy path or it's just because I haven't got a haircut. Bad hair days are so making me look like an ordinary straight geek. On bad hair days, not only will I become like everyone else wearing The-last-last-last season's top and an unmatching jeans, I don't even bother to look at myself in the mirror much before I leave for classes. Talk about becoming a metrosexual, I'm such a shame to everybody.

And to make myself even worse, I have no freaking idea where to buy nice bags here in Moscow la! The metrosexual guys here all have freaking beautiful bags but I never see such nice bags anywhere in malls! Even their clothes look as though they didn't come from any shop in Russia! It's saddening!

But what to do, living in a foreign country isn't easy. It's even harder when the people in that country don't speak any of the languages you know. It's hell for those who love shopping for nice clothes and accessories but not know how to reach them.

But the factor which really ownZ everyone is the price. EVERYTHING is much more expensive than they are back home. Aih.

The Time of the Month

I hope this is not the testosterone talking but..

TURKEY GUYS ARE HOT! SO FREAKING HOT!

Last semester, before I returned home for summer holidays, I met with people from Turkey. The girls are OK-ish, but the guy was above average lor! Too bad they didn't stay for long. They only came to study Russian language for several months.

This semester, I saw several new faces. This time, there are two guys which I think are quite good looking. One of them has the cute look like blogger Stefano while the other has the hunky bad boy look. I don't know about the cute guy but I think the hunk is not that straight. It's only an assumption though, since my gaydar never worked anyway.

Why do I think that he's not that straight? Well, that's because I saw him checking me out when we were waiting for the lift to arrive yesterday. He was with his friends at first, but when the lift arrived, he couldn't enter because the lift was full, so he waited for the next lift. When he was waiting for the next lift, I saw him checking me out. But when I looked at him, he pretended that he was staring into space.

Well, one might say that it's OK for one to check another person out but a guy don't usually check another guy out that long, so it's not OK.

Is this a chance? Or is it another unfulfilled hope? I don't know.


***


It's the time of the year! It's snowing! Yay!

Fuck winter. It's all about the cold weather and the munow(mud+snow), so freaking unpleasant. And the worse thing is I bought a pair of jeans the day before it started snowing. Jeans don't keep people warm! If only I know it's gonna snow so soon I'd have used the money to buy a winter coat!

Darn it.


***


My portable hard disc freaking spoiled. Reason? I don't know. And the reason I don't know is not because I know nothing about computers. There's not rational explanation for this, it just freaking spoiled after I restarted my laptop. Even asked the pros to help but I just couldn't access my hard disc.

All the important documents are in my portable hard disc. Great.


***


I'm starting to lose hope in the gay scene. I'm not as strong as I thought I am. It's unbearable, to be hiding in the closet, afraid of being discovered. But at the same time I desire for love, the forbidden male-and-male love.

Coming out of the closet is not an option, when family and friends have homophobia. It's not easy to make myself fit into the society. Instead of believing that I'm a bi boy who's obsessed with labels, I'm making myself believe that I'm nothing more than a metrosexual straight guy. Well, at least by making others believe that I'm metrosexual, I can be a shopaholic and not worry being told that I'm weird.

All the things I do to hide my identity but not have to fake what I like. It's so taxing. All these hard work will be paid off in the future, I hope.

For now, I'll just wait and see if there's any empty space left for me in this gay scene.

Hypertension.. soon

Selamat Hari Raya to the Muslims! Selamat Hari Raya, Sam!

As if he cares so much whether I wish him or not.

Bah.

But I think he cares la cos' today he passed by my classroom and I think he paused and looked at me for like, say, 0.000000001 second?

I know it's so insignificant but it means something to me.

FINE, IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. HAPPY?

Period.

Loads of exams these few weeks! Managed to pass 1(one) subject out of 4 subjects which I sat for. Blardy can jump off the cliff and die la!

What to do, I stupid ma. I'm so stupid that I can still watch Heroes, Prison Break and Bleach the night before my exam. I think my adrenal glands are blocked or what. I don't feel tensed at all. In fact, I'm so relaxed that my heart almost needed a boost of adrenaline.

"Tell me about the parts of the brain. How many tracts are there in total? How many sensory tracts, how many motor tracts? Tell me about Tractus Spinothalamicus. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Um..."


****


One of my classmates is becoming more and more riddiculus.

"Anatomy is nothing la, study a bit then score d!"
"Fuck A la, he thought he very smart la now! Wait la, I'll make him bow before me!"
"Fuck B la, he thought I very scared of him la now?! Ask him wait la!"
"Fuck C la, He so stupid somemore dare comment on my results!"

Seriously, fuck you la. Why blardy abuse the trust our teachers have in you? Why blardy think so highly of yourself? You wait la, someday someone will slap you back with even better results.
The person wouldn't be me of course. Why make myself sit and study so much when I can spend more time reading GQ and go shopping?

I'm smart.

When Non-Functional Gaydar Meets Fashion Disaster

This is a long post, so don't read unless you really have free time to kill.

Serious, no joke.

So, here goes! First of all, I would like to apologise for not making it clear who 'Leo', 'Sam' and 'Sean' are. Actually, Leo is a friend I knew since Primary 2 and I kinda have a crush on him, on and off. It wasn't until recently that I got the guts to ask him out on a date. The date went pretty well, and I bet it wouldn't be the last.

As for Sam and Sean, they're my current coursemates. Sam is Malay and Sean is Indian. I used to have quite a big crush on Sean but now, I'm not really a big fan of him, mostly because of him acting TOO cool on me. He barely acknowledges my existence OK.

Sam is different. We never really talked, never exchange numbers, never had proper self-introduction, but somehow he wasn't as cold as Sean is, though occasionally he can be an ass like Sean. I never really know what he thinks of me because: 1)I'm Chinese and he's Malay, 2)Malays are the least likely persons who'll ever come out of the closet, 3)Religion, 4)Religion.

Plus my Gaydar sucks. It never picks up any signal, at all.

I don't know whether it's just me or what but really, I don't think a Chinese GUY and a Malay GUY can ever work anything out in a relationship, especially in Malaysia. He's a government sponsored student, he has to work for the government for many years after he graduates(unless he pays back his loan, which I doubt he'll do so). Besides, Malaysia is his home, I bet he won't flee to other countries for the sake of his partner.

But then again maybe it's just me who's been thinking too much. But I know it's not true la. I think he has a thing for me too. He's been sending obvious signals to me this week. He walked all the way to stand behind me to listen to our lecturer's explanation on something when it's actually much nearer, easier and comfortable for him to just stand beside the teacher and listen. But I'm happy that he chose to stand behind me, trying to look attentive when actually he's trying to get closer to me. Haha, perasan-nyer aku. We took the same bus ride home and I caught him looking at me quite a number of times and whenever he knew that I'd caught him, he'd quickly turn around and look at something else. I was looking at him the whole time, and only if he didn't turn away so quickly, I could've sent him a smile or a wink. Heh. When we reached our hostel, he purposely walked beside me almost the whole time. But sadly I was too nervous to talk, I didn't unplug my iPod's earphones. We walked side-by-side without talking. It felt good, but then again I've missed a chance to actually talk to him. And it all ended when the lift he boarded was full and I couldn't enter.

We live in different floors.


***


What would you wear to a dicso? A bright purple folded-up-to-elbow shirt, a pair of dirty green jeans and a brown hat? Or a light blue mini jeans skirt, black short sleeve shirt with a brown-white striped tie borrowed from your father?

If it's so, I'd reckon' you to stay home and not embarass yourselves in public. Seriously, do party GIRLS dress like this?

Oh, they're not KL-Lites. I forgot, my bad.

BUT I EXPECTED SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! BOTH OF YOU ARE NO TALLER THAN 160cm, ONE LOOKS LIKE A PUMPKIN AND THE OTHER RESEMBLES A STICK. To actually match brown hat with bright purple shirt and dirty green jeans, mini jeans skirt with black shirt and brown-white striped tie, I can tell that you girls don't have mirrors in your rooms!

Really, it's the 21st century, NOBODY wears their father's tie to a party, NOBODY wears a brown hat to a party. NOBODY dress like this to party. NOBODY. Even if the theme is cross-dressing, both of you have failed, like, totally. This is what happens when girls try to dress pretty and macho at the same time. The result is obvious. It can totally be ranked number one in 'Fashion Disaster of All Time'.

I was lucky to not die on the spot after looking at them. It really takes some guts to dress like this and walk on the streets. Girls, I salute you for being so brave, but next time, do consult me before you dress up for a party, OK? Who knows, this may be the cure of you being a singleton for so many years. It's time to get laid, ladies!

For One More Day

Hi, I'm back online!

Whatever.

I need to blog. My head's gonna blow up if I don't blog soon.

Things are so complicated. Does it always has to be the bi boys who gets into trouble? I'm sick of all this already.

Anyway, to make things simple from now on, the guy whom I 'dated' back in Malaysia is officially known as 'Leo', the Malay guy as 'Sam' and the Indian guy as 'Sean'.

So, things were good between me and Leo. But last week, he stopped messaging me after I teased him. Never knew the reason, but hopefully it's not because I said that he's as fat as a pig. Not that he's fat, mind you, but I countered him cos' he said I sleep like a pig. Always wanted to message him but I don't wanna disturb him since he's busy lately. Sigh.

Sam had fever few days back. Should've gone to visit him but I was never his friend you see, it'd be weird if I were to appear knocking at his room door. He's feeling better now and is able to tegur sapa with me, but I feel bad not asking how he'd been doing.

Sigh.

As for Sean, he's as cold as always. Always talk to anyone but me. Is it because I'm always putting on that serious look? Or is it because he doesn't fucking care about my existence? A smile or a 'Hi' wouldn't kill you, boy. Don't say I've never tried being friendly. I've tried smiling at you when me meet, said loads of 'Hi's, but you never smiled back, never 'Hi'-ed back. Never.

This fucking sucks. And to make things worse, my ex gave me a book by Mitch Albom titled 'For One More Day'. Highlighted some stuff in the book for me because I "didn't get her messages when she gave me 'Tuesdays With Morrie'".

"You were busy.".
"Even if girls find you handsome, it's not a license to be mean. Be nice.".
"You can find something truly important in a minute.".
"You should never let your past disappear.".
"You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart.".

I wasn't busy. I was quick to begin a relationship with you, not knowing that I'm not prepared. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for commitments. I escaped. And I never came back.

People don't know what's important to them until they've lose it. I wasn't an exception. I gave up on our relationship. I called it quits, the reason being "me pursuing studies overseas" and "long distance relationships don't work". It was an excuse, and a very bad one. After we broke up, I realised how important you are to me, but I could never race you back, for you've entrusted your heart to someone else.

I've tried forgetting about the past but I can't. I kept the memories in a box and hid it somewhere in the bottom of my mind, but no matter how heavy it weighs, it never fails to resurface. It hurts, even now.

You know what type of person I am since the day we got together. I never let people come close to me, I never grant anyone access to my heart. It's part of who I am, either you accept this package or you ask for a refund.

It's sad that the way we broke up was a mess and that both of us suffered from the impact for some time, but if I'm given a chance, I'll surely set things right.

"Things can be fixed", no?

The Date

OK, so we went on a date on Sunday. Well, plans are after all, plans. They work as guidelines on what one(in this case, we)'s gonna do.

The date turned out bad. Not only did we not have lunch or dinner together, I didn't manage to snap pics of us, we ALMOST didn't get to watch a movie, we ALMOST run out of topics to talk about. ALMOST.

The date didn't go well as planned but it wasn't actually bad(though it's true that we didn't have neither lunch nor dinner together and that I didn't get to snap pics of us). We almost didn't get to watch a movie because _i_ was picky. Or maybe it was him?

Me: "Dowan 'Ratatouille', I dowan see rat."

Him: "Hmm...'Disturbia' not nice, dowan. 'Blood Brothers'? Apa tu? 'Secret'? Never heard of it."

Me: "Um, 'Evan Almighty' leh?"

Him: "What is it about de?"

Me: "Something like 'Bruce Almighty' lor."

Him: "Hmm...'Transformers'?"

Me: "YOU HAVEN'T WATCH 'TRANSFORMERS' MEH? WHY WATCH AGAIN?!"

Him: "Um...."
Me: "2 tickets for 'Evan Almighty', please."

Him: "...."

So, I paid for the tickets and he bought us popcorns and drinks! But then there's something I'm unhappy with Cineplex. What's the point of 'Lovers Combo' if it consists of only a regular popcorn and coke? I alone can finish them ok. And thanks to you, we had to settle with 'Family Combo'. 2 regular cokes and 1 large popcorn. Ha, ha.

In the theatre, I felt cold, so I grabbed his arm to get some heat and I think it did the trick! After the movie, his attitude changed totally! He became as caring and gentle as a mother, making sure I didn't have any leftover popcorns on my shirt and stuff.

And he got me this plane! We were walking on the streets and we saw many people flying such planes, so I told him I wanted one too cos' it looks very cool, as in if one knows the correct way of handling the plane, the plane'll actually fly back to the owner. Some sorta like a boomerang. Not only did he paid for the plane, he even let me choose which plane I want k!

After we got bored of playing with the plane(cos we couldn't make the plane return to us), he brought me to Baskin Robbin's and bought me ice-cream!

I'm in a hurry so yeah, this is basically how our date was. Wasn't all that bad, huh?



P/S: I'll be going overseas to continue my studies later today so until I get an internet connection, I won't be posting.

The Beginning...?

I can't get myself to sleep.

Remember this? Well, I'm going on a pseudo date with him later. Yes, just the both of us. Of all the years we have known one another, I *think* this is the FIRST time we have actually gone somewhere without anyone else(unless seminars are taken into account).

I am so nervous.

Where to eat? He doesn't like spending money so goodbye Tony Roma's, Italiannies and TGI Friday's. But I don't want to grab burgers at McD or KFC! If only I spent less on labels, I can easily buy him an expensive dinner at Mandarin Oriental, have a drink at Sri Hartamas and a black code from Giorgio Armani as a gift on our pseudo date. If only.

What movie to watch? This is a pseudo date, fight scenes are a big no no. No to spirits-related movies too as today is the 14th of the 7th month of the lunar calendar, the day which hungry ghosts come to earth in search for food. He as a buddhist won't agree with watching ghostly movies. Doraemon then?

How to make him take pics? Believe it or not, for all these years, we have NEVER taken a single photo together. Seriously, never! It's gonna be super awkward to suddenly tell him that i want him to pose so that I can snap a sexy picture of him. Besides, what's my reason? "Because I love you so much that I can't live a single day without looking at you, even if it's only a picture of you" "Beacuse I wanna snap pics of us every now and then so that in the future when we look back at these pictures, we can have a good laugh at how young we once were and to remember how long have we known each other"?

Friends have been telling me to treat this as any other normal outing with friends so that things will be less un-norm. Easy for one to say. We cannot control how our brains think, can we? If I can, I'd rather make myself fall for girls, get married and have children like any other straight guy! Life would've been much better then.

The last thing I need to hear now are love songs, which ironically, are playing on my iTunes now. Sigh.

Btw, I've just watched Cut Sleeve Boys and boy is Steven Lim hot and sexy! I don't usually go for Asians when I watch movies but seriously, whichever gay or bi male who didn't have a slightest bit of crush on him is either a retard or is simply blind. Just the kind of build I wish I have: pecs, biceps and a beautiful V-shaped curve. Six pack? Who needs them if whatever he's got is enough to make him a sex god? That unshaven look and that tattoo gave him quite some points too!

"I want you to fuck me, please, Sir."

Cupcake

Gaining weight is something I've been wanting all these years but I was never disciplined enough to take it seriously. I'm in nature a person whose metabolism rate is of the higher side, I just won't put on weight no matter how much I eat.

Since young, many people had thought that I was malnutritioned. Relatives, friends, neighbours. They all thought that I either don't eat or was malnutritioned, but the former seemed more appropriate as my brother is of bigger size - fat, to put it bluntly -, thus ruling out the possibility of me being malnutritioned. Little do they know that I'm the bigger monster when it comes to eating. But then again, who would've thought that my body's metabolism is working overtime whereas my brothers, off to the nearest pub for its Party Hour even before the sun sets!

I may be eating like a glutton, but not only do I not gain weight, I lose. Even Runway supermodels die to exchange for my weight. Serious. But poor bro' isn't so lucky. No matter how little he eats, somehow, weights will just load up in him.

It was until last year when I started my studies overseas. I was away from home, plus I'm a lazy bum, chocolates became my best friends. Not only do they keep my stomach quiet for longer hours, it's cheap too. And since it's cheap, I eat them a lot. Besides, it provides lots of calories for my overtime 'worker' to burn, which is good. I don't want them to start burning off other organic substances when they're running low in calories.

A year had passed. Finally, I've gained weight! Standing at approx. 5'11", I was always underweight, but it's a good thing now that I've gained some weight and become LESS underweight. 8KGs in a year's time, not too bad huh? Weighing 63 now, I'm sure I'll gain more weight, thanks to cheap Kit-Kat's and Snickers. Much thanks to protein shakes and gym classes and swimming too!

It's the 5th week of me working out in the gym. I'm nowhere near 'broad and comfy shouders', 'ripped pecs', 'six-packs' and 'V-shaped curve', but my muscles do feel firmer, 'baby pecs' are growing, my once 'slightly visible six-packs' are showing themselves to me again. 1.5 weeks more!

Need.Broader.Shoulder.And.Larger.Arms.To.Fit.Into.My.Gay.Sexy.Sleeveless.Tee.

A body to die for...

Mystery Unfolds

My deepest apologies for breaking my promise! I've totally forgotten about it! I'll make up with it in this entry!

(ok, that's too much of !'s in a paragraph)

On Friday morning, I went to Cineleisure Damansara to get myself some brand new accessories(no, it's not THE ACCESORY I mentioned in the last last entry)! I bought new rings! After living for 2 years with only ONE ring, I've decided to add new rings to begin my own collection! Guess what, I'm now a proud owner of THREE beautiful rings! It's still little, but I'm just getting started with my bling blings! I'm currently looking for necklaces, wristbands and earrings. Whoever found nice above said accessories can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com.


As you guys know, there's this new car from Proton right? Apparently there's this box outside Cineleisure where the car is kept within and there are tiny holes for people to peek into to have a look at the new Proton member. Proton is very smart, no matter which hole I peek into, I just couldn't see the name of the new car, though I knew that it is a new model of Proton Gen.2.

'Take a peek at our pride and joy'. It sounds SO wrong.

Next stop was Suria KLCC! Had been dying to visit Suria KLCC because it's been YEARS since I last step foot in it. I almost had a heart failure when I was in the mall. Designer labels are everywhere in the mall! Boutiques such as Burberry, Giorgio Armani, Louis Vuitton, Banana Republic and the latest outlet of Jimmy Choo are all gathered there! I swear I almost died and went to heaven. But poor me couldn't afford these labels, so I had to settle down with Topman. Well, just joking. It's true that I can't afford designer labels NOW but Topman isn't that bad too. And I'm happy to grab a sleeveless tee from Topman! It is a big challenge since I've NEVER worn a sleeveless tee, my arms are as 'huge' as tree branches plus it has pink stripes. And the fact that even when I'm in a size S tee, the tee still HUGE didn't help. If I were to try on an XS, I'm gonna look 200% PLU. Thank lord there weren't any stock left for size XS. Still, I look 165% PLU.

But then again, I'm currently going to the gym everyday and I drink protein shakes after every workout, and that after 3 weeks of workout, my pecs are starting to show(a lil') and my arms look firmer than before. And since I'll have 2.5 weeks more of time to workout before I leave the country, I assume that by then I wouldn't look too tiny and weak to fit in that tee. Plus I'm gonna get a sun tan, so I assume a sleeveless tee would look kinda nice on me(what's the point of getting a sun tan if I'm gonna cover myself up with lots of cloth?). After much consideration, I finally decided to get the tee. =)

I'm still kinda freaked out to wear this tee out to public. It's my first, after all.

And now it's time to show everyone my first designer labelled accessory! An optical glasses from Emporio Armani!

Actually it's no big deal but since it's my first designer labelled accesory, I'm gonna make a big blast about it. But I think I've made the wrong investment. I should've used the money to buy tops from Emporio Armani instead of an optical glasses. After all, it's the logo printed on the top that's gonna be more visible than tiny logos on the glasses. But then I still love my glasses and I'll be sticking to it for some time. (And sorry for the blurry image of the glasses, my cam was on the wrong mode, it focused on the backfround instead of the glasses)

Random: I've always wanted to snap a pic of this thing and post it online but whenever I went to that place, I just didn't have my cam with me. Finally, on Friday, I went to Cineleisure with my cam prepared and I took a pic of this thing!

These cow sculptures outside Marche looks so beautiful! Everytime I walk past Marche, I'll take a good look at them before I walk away. Every now and then I have urges to hug the cows but I'm glad that I've yet let the devil in me to take control of myself. God knows what kind of looks people will cast on me if I were to hug and kiss the cows in public.

The cows look as if they're part of Swatch. Red background with white-coloured crosses, so Swatchy, so Switzerland-ish.

That's all, good night! And yeah, Happy Birthday dear sis! May you get married soon so that I could use your room as my private wardrobe! =P

*sniff*

The smell of fresh template is so intoxicating. Literally.

Threw the old blog template out the window for a new one! I do know that this template is simple & dull(cos' it's from Blogger) but it took me some time to customize it to make it look 'not so original from Blogger itself', as in I changed the fonts, colours and all.

At least I took the effort to segregate it from 'Originals by Blogger'. This is just a trial template so don't complain. I'm currently trying to learn Photoshop, hopefully when my Photoshop skills gets better in the future, I can produce a decent template with a pretty header.

That is if my Photoshop skills are going to get better.

I Will Survive

Living in a foreign country for a year has taught me to NEVER not do researches on any country anyone plans to visit. In my case, Russian Federation.

Life was as terrible as living in hell as most Russians don't speak English but they expect foreigners to speak fluent Russian. A worldwide spoken language is so inferior in Russia. Ironic.

It wasn't long since Soviet Union crumbled. Russia is far behind many countries in terms of development, though it's rapidly catching up in the recent years.

As for the gay and bi boys, it's sad news to be living in Russia because it was once a communist country, plus it's an underdeveloped and poor country that no businessmen want to do business in Russia. No businesses from foreign countries mean no foreign fashion labels. No fashion labels mean gay and bi boys can only dress like old, conservative, lack-of-fashion-sense straight Russian men.

Or so I thought.

A recent boost in my fashion radar results in an increase in awareness of the power of the World Wide Web. "Designer labels must have their own websites in the internet!"

And so I searched for designer labels online, browsed their webpages and to my delight, most labels are sincere enough to guide lost puppies like me to their boutiques around the world!

And guess what, most designer labels have outlets in Russia(though some aren't smart enough to open boutiques in Moscow)! From Louis Vuitton to Dolce & Gabbana to Giorgio Armani to Hermes to Yves Saint Laurent to Gucci! And the list goes on!

A year ago, I was a fool who thinks that Russia is hell for people who can't live without branded clothes and accessories. Now, I'm a boy who knows ways to most designer labels' boutiques! Gay and bi boys, welcome to Russia!

OK, that last line was lame.

Anyway, I'll be getting my FIRST accesory from one of the designer labels(if Esprit, Topman and other brands in similar category are not taken into account) this Friday! Couldn't look for the picture of it in the web, so you guys have to wait till Friday night for me to reveal my precious accessory!

Some new pics of my sex god Marco by Adam Bouska!

xoxo

Proof

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I think this explains WHY am I a bisexual.

Goodbye UPS!

I must admit that I'm addicted to photo-blogging but damn, it wasn't part of my plan to turn this blog into a photo blog!

But then again it won't hurt to post pictures of hot men sometimes, eh? :p

Today, I bring you one of the latest hot guy around town, Marco Dapper! Well, he might not be the LATEST but still he's kinda new when it comes to acting(and modelling).

I bet most of you already know where this entry's going, so I'm not gonna waste any time. Yes, Our(preferably mine only) Marco appeared NUDE in his VERY FIRST movie, Eating Out 2! Seriously, to be able to appear nude in his first movie, to be able to kiss(I mean KISS) me guys , I totally salute him! I bet no heterosexuals have ever done that! How hot!

And I totally envy Tiffani for being able to be in a position so close to lil Marco! I wish I was Tiffani! I would've ignored the whole filming crew and gave him heads right on the spot! And the part where Marc sucked Troy off, if I were Marc, I would've given him REAL heads and Troy didn't have to fake his moans! And he would've came sooner! And I don't mind if I have to redo the scene where Marc licked Troy's nipples! Those juicy 'titties'! Lucky Marc got the juices all for himself!

Talk about dirty and filthy, Gwen's an amateur.

Since Marco's so hot and irresistable, no wonder Adam Bouska wanna take pics of him! How I wish to be a professional and famous photographer! I'll be able to meet famous(AND hot) celebrities and I'll be able to take pics of them!

"Strip, Marco. Yes, strip. No no, undies down too. Ahhhh....that's it!"

"But but..."

"Don't worry honey, these 'special' pics are for me only. Now if you don't mind can you wake your lil bro? I need his full attention too. Come lemme give him a kiss."

If only he's gay. But then again not that he'll fall for me, a horny-photographer-wannabe. I look like a tiny tree branch whose body is flatter than sheet of paper, whose face will cause a rise in the rate of suicide if anyone were to change theirs with mine. The only way for Marco to love me is if he's blind. But there's no way I would want him to be blind! If he is blind, not only do I have to clean him up, he can't go to the gym to workout anymore and he'll gain weight and be as large as a whale!

I don't want a whale to be my boyfriend. :(

Now let's have a ride on my i-want-him-to-be-my-boyfriend's washboard 8 packs! 8 packs are uncommon k!

Man, look at him! He's a sex god! I wonder why does it take this long for him to be noticed! With his good looks and that holy-shit-gimme-that body, he should've been noticed earlier and not left to work for UPS for that insignificant amount of cash!

"Now if would excuse me, I've got lots of shootings to do. I'm famous now, ya know, and I have to earn lots of money so that my boyfriend Alex can be a househusband someday and he can spend all the money he wants on clothes! If Victoria Beckam's good at women's fashion, my husband's gotta be the best in men's fashion!"

I wish la. Not even the darkest dark magic will work on this i'm-a-100%-man heterosexual.

Photo Entry 1.0

For the first time(and hope it won't be the last), let the pictures tell you what are the things I find interesting in men.

Tell me, who can resist Mr Hidetoshi aka Mr Hot? His sexy look, his bod, his wealth(if you are considering a sugar daddy), what more can you ask from a man like him? Sex? I bet he's good in bed too. Haha.

Andre Moreas may not be a sex god but I have a thing for cowboys. His rock hard abs and that sexy unshaven look will be more than enough to blow my head!

Mr Evans, anyone? That body hair and broad chest, it's so eff-ing hot! No doubt he's our famous hero Human Torch!

Mr Handsome here sure knows what to show: his charming smile! One may not be able to see his physique here but we can definitely figure it out ourselves based on the outlines of his shoulder! God I love the colour of his eyes!

One can't tell but I surely know he's a surfer dude! His smile is just as sttractive as Mr Handsome and we too can imagine the beautiful lines running down his tight body!

I don't know why but I have a thing for the guy on the left. His smiles make him look so sweet, his dimples make him look cute, he has a GREAT body, and he has chest hair too! He is so sexy! Grr...

That's all for now, stay tuned for more pretty pics in the future!

xoxo

You Have Crossed The Line, Partner

For the years that I've known you, I've never disagree with anything that you say.

For the years that I've known you, I've done you lots of favors.

For the years that I've known you, I've taken in all your shit and not say a thing about it.

For the years that I've known you, I've never whine about you treating me as nothing more than a pile of garbage.

For the years that I've known you, I thought that there are ways to make you change.

But it all ends now.

What do you have to offer to a friend who's been there for you when you needed company? What do you have to offer to a friend who puts you ahead of himself? What do you have to offer?

Nothing. There's nothing you can offer. Not only to your friend, but to anyone at all.

Tell me, is there really nothing you can offer to a friend who merely wants your company for dinner?

Enough About You

This sucks.

It's been almost a year since I broke up with my ex but my heart has yet move on. When we first broke up, I regretted doing so because I realised that I should've given long distance relationship a try because "who knows what'll happen in the future". But what's done is done, and all I can do is wait for a chance to propose to her again.

It never happened, the proposal. Silly me wanted to ask her the question in person when I return to Malaysia for summer vacation but before I could do so, someone else did it.

That happened more than 6 months ago.

It's been 10 months since we broke up, but I have never stopped loving you, even after I knew that you have moved on with life and is very happy with your current BF.

Ok, that wasn't true. I've always loved you, until the day when I found out from a friend that you are playing the game of love again. You were already in the game for months, but I never knew. We were supposed to be "very good friends" even after the break up, right? Then why don't you tell me about it? You know I'd be happy for you!

Why are you always emo whenever I sound so cold, whenever I don't wish to share my problems with you? You are not any better yourself. You never tell me anything about youself, even when we were together! Don't say "it's because you never ask", you were never concerned about me either.

I'm such a loser. Even a girl can bring herself together and move on with life. All I do is run away from reality.

The feeling of being loved is like drugs, one never gets enough of it. It's been 10 months living without getting the feeling of a partner's love. No one's there to greet me when I rise in the morning, no one's there to give me support when I'm feeling down, no one's there to lend me a hand when I'm going through hard times, no one's there to share my joy, my everything.

For the past 10 months, I've met loads of new people, and among them there are a few whom I desire, of course, but my desire for you was overwhelming to the extent that it didn't feel right to have the slightest liking for them!

But it's all gonna be over now. I will, and I WILL stop loving you, even as a friend. Not only does it not feel right, it's completely not right for us to keep in touch anymore, no thanks to your pestering.

"Ooh, so what's new?" "hey got study or not? muz study k!" "hey long time din hear from u, busy ar?" "hey y u sound so cold? u hate me is it?" I may not be brave and rude enough to agree with you with the last statement but yes, I sound very cold because if I don't do this you're gonna continue milking attention from me while you're giving your boyfriend heads. This has to end now!

I swear I'll stop loving you, stop feeling sad when I see pics of you and your current BF, stop being jealous when I look at the captions like "me & my lou gong zai" which you wrote for your pics, stop browsing your online profiles, stop talking to you, stop every single possible contact with you. STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Ok, I'm OFFICIALLY single and available. Whoever(guy/gal) wants to buy me a drink can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com! Do it quick before I leave the country!

Flames of An Undying Friendship

Fantasies are evil.

Why so?

Friends come and go. Some stayed longer, some left earlier, and some(well, actually almost none) stays forever. And I'm proud to say that at 20 years of age, I've met a friend which has yet(yes, YET) to leave my life.

I've known this friend for a very long time(probably 12 years now) and I don't see any sign of him leaving my life. He's been a very good friend AND neighbour since primary 2. We'd travelled to school together for countless times, went to the same tuition centre, played computer games and soccer together, stayed over, and loads of stuffs. Though there are times where I and he both found our own groups of friends to mix with and had spent lesser time for one another, we have yet leave each other's lives.

It's a blessing to have him as a friend, though he's not perfect(neither am I so what am I to complain). But he's HAWT, no doubt about it. And since we were such good friends doing most things together, there were times where we both got a lil' naughty and went over the lines, but not to the extent which destroys our (still is)blooming friendship.

But naughty me does more than just actions. Like any other HEALTHY BOYS, I fantasize about him too.

*blushes*

But it all ended after high school. He went on to Form Six and I went to college. We never talk or meet that often anymore, no thanks to him always failing to reply my SMSes and me not dedicated enough to maintain this friendship. And it got worse when I have to pursue Medicine overseas. How can I expect to maintain this friendship so far away from home when we've both failed to maintain it when our distances were nearer?

A year has passed. I thought that what's left of our friendship is a pile of dust on a photo album which has not been cleaned for centuries. But I was wrong.

I went over to pay he and his family(we were neighbours for 9 years!) a visit last evening, and I found that he was very excited to see me again. It's been a long time since I last saw and talked to him. We have sent each other not even a SMS throughout the whole time I was overseas. The feeling of thinking of losing a very good friend sucked, and I'm glad I don't have to continue thinking of it and feeling sucky.

It's really great to be back and be in touch with my long 'lost' friend. We are all grown-ups now, and few years from now, we'll all be serving the society, me being a doctor and him being a pharmacist(that is if he passes his interview for a seat in a local Uni!). We both have travelled this far together, and although there were times where we both got separated, we have proved to the world that our friendship is solid. It's there, and it cannot be broken by anything in this world.

But then again, now that our friendship is becoming stronger, fantasies about him are coming back too. He's HAWT, after all. But I heard he has a girlfriend already(but he would've told me!). Oh well, it's only a matter of time of when will they break up. Not that I'm jealous of the girl, it's just that the girl is the LOA type and he's just not the kind who cares enough about anything at all. He should be looking at me, recalling the things we've done, and pick me instead!

I'm the one, the ONLY one who deserves him. Hahahahah.

Boy, I'm gonna have to stop thinking about all this before my brain is corrupted to the point of no return!

It's only been an hour since I left his house and I can't stop thinking of him. I believe, and I know that for 24 hours from now, I'll be thinking of him non-stop.

Somebody stop me!

Eternal Summer

Hey there everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted an entry. Had been busy with stuffs. My deepest apologies.

There are many things I want to blog about, but I just couldn't blog them out. Everytime part of me felt like blogging, another part of me would occupy myself with loads of work. I don't know why is this happening but somehow, it became a routine. Whenever I feel like blogging, I'll tell myself that I'm busy and I'll find some other time to blog.

This explains why I hadn't blogged for more than a month.

Was busy with exams the whole month. It was finals for my first year in Med School afterall, had to do the best I could or I'll regret when things get tougher in the future, especially when it'll be tougher to score good grades. Had been busy shopping for gifts for relatives and friends too. Again, it's my first year studying overseas, I cannot not bring anything back for everyone, can I?

Not to mention the times I wasted on being depressed over people who don't deserve it.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be back home. For the next 2 months, I can be stupid and lazy. I don't have to look at Medical textbooks(Anatomy, gasp!), don't have to prepare my own meals, don't have to do my own laundry, don't have to drag myself up to school early in the morning and returning home late in the evening, and the best thing is I can play all I want! Oh dear internet, I miss you so much!

After months of waiting, I finally got my hands on one of the best Taiwan movies, Eternal Summer. It was out last October but I didn't have the chance to watch it as I don't have internet connection there and none of my friends watch such movies.

Sad, right?

Anyway, Eternal Summer was really good. My patience finally paid off, after months of waiting and dreaming of it. Haha.

Joseph Chang is so hot!! And cute!!

But then I was kinda disappointed with the ending when Shane(Joseph Chang) indirectly rejected Jonathan(Bryant Chang). EVERYONE agrees that Joseph Chang is HOT and it's really sad that he chose Kate Yeung instead of Bryant Chang.

It's cruel, just like reality. We just won't get what we hoped for, no matter how hard we pray, how little we sin, how many good deeds we have done.

Sigh.

But then again I strongly recommend this movie! Unlike other movies with shitty actings, this movie is one of the best I've ever seen. I rarely watch Taiwan movies but I couldn't stop watching this one as it has really good standards. They can enter Oscars lor I tell you, especially Joseph and Bryant Chang. As for Kate, she needs more practise. Sorry la, but that's the truth.

I'm not saying this because I'm a sexist k. I admit I like Joseph Chang(*blushes*) but it wasn't the reason why I'm promoting him and not Kate k. Kate is good too, just that she needs more practise compared with the 2 actors.

Aih, if only I have a boyfriend as cute as Joseph, I will do anything for him. Anything!

You Mind Pushing That Bone Nearer, Master?

I went for a great party last weekend. Initially it was supposed to be a party among us Malaysians but as the party went on, more and more foreigners joined us. In the end, there were more foreigners than Malaysians.

Ok, so that was how the foreigners joined our party. I had to cut it short because that wasn't the main point.

There were these 2 extremely cute guys in the party. 1 was from Turkey and another from Poland. At first I didn't know they speak English because they kept on speaking Russian with us until they told us that they learned English back in their country. We were sooo excited! Since then most of the conversations were in English.

The guy from Turkey is the hyperactive type whereas the Poland guy is more sensible. The Turkey guy loves attention so much! Whatever he does, whatever he says, he has to make sure we all heard him. Well, not ALL but those people whom he's talking to at that time. He is such a big monkey, running here and there and wants to be in almost every single picture we take. And believe me, you will never see him putting up a serious face because he's just too playful!

And guess what? He is such a PLAYBOY! One moment you'll see him cuddling a girl and say "she's my girlfriend", another moment you'll see another girl cuddling him from behind and say "he's my boyfriend", then another moment you'll see few girls all over him, one cuddling his body, one cuddling his legs and one playing with his hair. He loves people touching his hair so much, exactly like a puppy! So adorable!

I think he is absolutely straight since he's such a 'player', but what he did to me was definitely out of my mind. Whenever he sits beside me, he'll place his hand on my lap and actually feel my skin. Then, when he's sitting on my left and is trying to get something from somebody sitting on my right, he'll place his arm on my lap to balance himself while getting what he wanted. I don't think it's really normal because I knew him for less than 10 minutes at that time! I do know what whites are friendly, but I didn't know they were THIS friendly!

We had a small talk among the 2 of us but it didn't last very long because we were interrupted plus he cannot speak good English and I can't speak good Russian. I felt he was flirting with me because he asked me lots of question about myself. Yes, MYSELF! Usually foreigners would ask questions like where do we come from, what do we have in other countries and all other general questions, but he asked me questions about me myself! He generally asked us where do we come from, then he just turned to me and started talking to me only. He's not interested in them, he's interested in me only!

Well, at least that was what I thought. I hope the flirting could last longer, but he just couldn't sit still. Soon after we were interrupted, he went to talk to other people and when he returned, he turned his attention to one of his 'girlfriends'. Later, he and his 'girlfriend' went home because it was getting late and they were sleepy. Even when he was leaving, he had to make sure everyone sees him leaving.

So cute lor!

The guy from Poland came after the Turkey guy left. At first he was with another group but later came to hang out with us. He said his name is Борис but I doubt it's his real name because 'Борис' is a Russian name.

The Poland guy looks and acts more mature than the monkey(=p) and it really turned me on. He may not have the body of a sex god(he's fit la), but his thin moustache makes him look neat and masculine. Whenever you're with him, you feel secured. That's the feeling he gave me.

He talked about his country, about the activities he did, his experience and stuff, but I cannot tahan him banging me lor. He thought Malaysians speak some strange language and I defended by saying if Malaysians were to speak some strange language, we wouldn't be able to communicate in ENGLISH. Then he tried talking in Russian and I told him I can't understand and speak Russian very well. That was a wrong thing to do. The moment he knew that I couldn't speak and understand Russian well, he started banging me by saying things like "if you want to speak and understand Russian language well, you have to practice! Like me, I've been here for 3 months already but this is the first time I've been speaking English so much! If you don't know how to say something in Russian, try using other words or use body language to make other people understand you! *blah blah blah*". Just because he can speak English and Russian well doesn't mean he can bang me like that. He's so mean.

But then again it just makes him look more reliable. <3

How I wish they could stay here longer. All of them are leaving end of June and they won't be coming back to this country anymore. Sad, isn't it?


P/S: I might be paying a visit to the Turkey girls' room together with some of my friends who're going back to Malaysia soon. I'll try to ask them to call the Turkey guy to go over and join us. I'm so gonna ask which room he lives in and I'll tell him mine too and I'm so gonna hint to him that my roommates are leaving soon and that I'll be all ALONE in the room and that he can come by to visit me sometimes. If he's REALLY interested in me, I'll do anything to make him come to me, since I want him badly too! If he really is interested in me and really does drop by at my room after my roommates have left, I can't imagine what'll happen. He'll grab my hands and push me into the room, locks the room door, pin me onto the bed and make me beg for him to do something to me, perhaps? Who cares if he's going back to Turkey next month and not coming back anymore? It's the experience and memories that'll last forever.

PP/S: I'm such a horny dog! God please forgive me!

Men SUCK

I'm sorry but I feel like screaming now.

*screams hysterically*

****

I've just watched "She's The Man"(sorry but I'm always slow when it comes to movies) and GOD, there are so many guys in there! To be more accurate, cute and hot guys!

Look at that healthy tan of Justin(Robert Hoffman)! He's like, the best looking guy in that movie! What else can you ask for from a guy who's not only good looking but also has a very nice tan? Plus he's a soccer player! His body is just so pretty! Not to forget that charming smile and smooth skin! He can easily melt someone's heart without even doing anything!

Then there's Paul(Jonathan Sadowski), the hairstylist! He is so CUTE! The hair, the cute smile and his taste when it comes to dressing! He's like, the best boyfriend one can ever have! It's sad that he showed up quite little in the whole movie but he made every appearance memorable! I wish my boyfriend is as alert as Paul is when it comes to dressing, but first, I need a boyfriend!

As for our leading actor Duke(Channing Tatum), I think he's quite a turn-on when he's half naked. He may not have those charming looks like Justin and Paul, abs like a typical soccer player but he's kinda cute in a different way. He looks like more mature than the other 2 and looked even better with that not-so-smooth skin and a little scar under his right eye. It makes him look more rugged and make others feel secured when they're with him.

I wish my boyfriendS are as good-looking as Justin, as cute as Paul, as rugged as Duke, as good his taste when it comes to picking the nicest clothes as Paul and most importantly, as sensible as Duke. Guys who only lust for sex can rot in hell. Same goes for those who think that they can screw arund with other people's feelings because they're Prince Charmings.

But first, we need less straight guys in this world.

"Statistics show that there are at least 1 homosexual within 10 individuals, but we think that there are more of them out there since not all of them has the courage to admit who they are."

Yeah, if there are 1/10 in statistics, X/10 if "there are more out there since blah blah blah", then why are there still so few homo and bisexuals in this world?! Why have I yet found a NON-STRAIGHT guy? Almost every single guy I met is straight!

"1 in every 10 individuals"? I say it's 1 in a million. If it's so, I might as well put more hope in women, since "9/10 chance they're straight". The probability would've been lower saying "I love you" to a lesbian than to a straight man, which means that good chance I won't get beaten up by a man and calling me a "queer".

Seriously speaking, the leading actress Viola(Amanda Bynes) is kinda cute too. I can actually consider having her as my girfriend, since most men suck.

Lame joke: If men SUCK, why are they straight? Wouldn't they all be gay? Seriously dude, they SUCK!

Part II

As I've said in the previous entry, I'll most probably be moving to the first hostel next year whereas my boys will be moving to the second hostel. Even now, when we're staying in the same hostel, we have very little chance to see each other. Needless to say, conversations are very rare. I can't imagine what'll happen when we move to different hostels next year. Still normal friends? Or friends no more?

Many people will ask me to think which is more important in my life: better accomodation for the next couple of years but suffering from not being able to see and talk to them or, suffer from poor accomodation for the next couple of years but being able to be with them? I know this question, but I don't know the answer.

Many things have came across my mind. There are many possibilities, sometimes too many that I don't know which way I should take. To tell the truth, compared to the first semester, now I barely talk to the Indian guy. We only say 'Hi' to each other when we meet at the corridoor, sometimes talk a lil' bit when we're at our batchmates' birthday parties. As for the Malay guy, I rarely see him in the hostel. When we meet each other in class, we only say 'Hi' to each other. Our conversations were much lesser than between me and the Indian.

I barely know them. Is it right to make decision based on people I barely know? Does it really make a difference if I choose to move in to the second hostel? We're in the same hostel too now but I don't see how good our relationships are. Move in together with them and sort things out slowly since we'll be seeing each other for the next few years? Some things just won't change no matter how hard a person tries. Like this case, when I and the Indian were in the same class last semester, I did try talking to him, making jokes together and all. But this semester, the friendship we(or only I?) built seem to just evaporated for no particular reason. As for the Malay guy, we didn't really notice each other's presence the past few months, until one day when we were both late for a lecture and we sat together the whole lecture. But then it was lecture, so we didn't talk, just smiled. Since then, whenever we see each other, there'll be the usual 'Hi' and 'Bye' but no proper conversation.

If I don't move in to the same hostel as them, I'll definitely regret for the next few years. But if I move in to the same hostel, things might not turn out fine. There are risks, but both choices deal equal damage. How am I supposed to choose?

What if one day I realise that what I have for them is merely a crush? It'll definitely be devastating. I can't imagine myself doing so many things, sacrificing so much for people who're nothing more than just crushes.

What if someday I find out that they're straight? Both of them! Straight! I'll definitely kill them then commit suicide. It's my fault for not finding out their preferences. But then again, not that I've not tried! I once saw the Malay guy holding hands with another guy BUT THEN I also saw him going online for several hours chatting with a girl. But then again, I always see him hang out with his guy friends only. What does that mean? As for the Indian, he always seem like a shy guy, but sometimes he does things that impress many people, including me. I don't know whether it's true or not but I think he only does those stunts when I'm around. But then if he's trying to impress me, why is he not making any effort to work things out?

But as I've said, I don't know what their preferences are, and all these things might be very normal but in my brain, they're analysed to make me think that they're doing them to impress me. I really wish that there's someone whom I can trust, whom I can share my problems with. One who can actually communicate with me through talking, not SMSes or thru blogs or MSN. Things would've been better then.

I'm not asking for many, just one. One such friend is all I need.

Which hostel to move? Do I have real feelings for them or they're merely crushes? What is the next step I should take? I need a friend to help me through this. Really.

Part I

2 months from now, it'll be the end of second semester of my Medical course. When I return from summer holidays, I and my fellow batchmates will be moving to permanent hostels as the current hostel we're staying in isn't permanent hostels. By the way, permanent hostels mean these hostels are owned by the University and that when we move in to them next year, we won't be able to switch hostels unless there are spaces. And since now the University has trouble placing us in permanent hostels as the spaces available aren't enough to support the whole batch of my year, so if I were to move in to, say, hostel A, then most probably I won't be able to move to hostel B, unless I wait for 1 year for the seniors to graduate. Even then I'll have to fight for places with my juniors.

Back to topic.

There are 2 hostels owned by my Unversity. The first hostel is the newest hostel which was built 1.5 years ago, so in terms of accomodation, internet service and distance from University, this hostel is the best, as the second hostel was kinda old and is quite far from University. But the second hostel has more spaces compared with the first hostel, which means that most of the students of my batch will be moving to the second hostel and only a hand full will be moving to the first hostel.

It took me quite some time to decide which hostel I want to move in. In terms of accomodation, the rooms in the first hostel are bigger and much nicer than the second hostel. In terms of transportation, the hostel is only 5 minutes walk away from the metro station and it's about 20 minutes walk away from the University. In terms of who will I be living with for the next couple of years, I'm fine living with my current roommates, so we planned to move together and stay together again.

So, me and my roommates discussed and finally decided to move in to the first hostel. Everything's much better in that hostel, and everyone else in my batch wants to move in too, if there are spaces available.

But the problem is, most of the students staying in to the first hostel are my groupmates, which means that if I really do move in to the first hostel next year, I'll be seeing them from day till night, whereas my other batchmates who live in the same hostel now will be staying in the second hostel and I won't be able to see them besides in lectures. It'll be very depressing as I'll be missing out lots of birthday celebrations, group cookings and going to each other's rooms to play games, discuss about homeworks and bitch about things.

But the most depressing thing is that I won't be able to see my boys anymore. The Indian will be moving to the second hostel as his gang is moving there. The Malay will be moving to the second hostel too since he's a government sponsored student and I bet our government won't spend more money to give their students better accomodation.

Sigh.



P/S: This is the first part. The second part will be out later because I'm very sleepy now and I want to sleep. Part 2 won't be short, so I thought I'd better sleep now so that I'll have the energy to write later.

Lub, Dub?

The pain I sustain is unbearable. Everytime I see them, my heart ached as if I'm experiencing heart failure. No one understands how I feel, no one knows what I'm going through, no one cares for my insignificant existence.

I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.

The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.

I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.

I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around him to see whether I'm there, I just acted as if I didn't know he had entered the train. In the school before the classes start, we had eye contact in the corridoor but we both turned away very soon. After class ended, when we got out of the metro station, I did not get up to the same bus as him. He knew I was there but he too acted as if he didn't see me. Until now, I've not seen him.

The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.

Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?

Simple And Clean, Not

I seriously pity myself. Someday I'm really going to regret that I've been spending my whole life sleeping, eating and playing. My life is so boring that there's nothing to blog about holidays, unless you think that sleeping for 10 hours a day and spending the rest watching movies, eating and day-dreaming are things worth blogging.

Well, new semester began yesterday. Only the first day of class but was late for Anatomy lecture(everyone else's late too, btw), met my new Anatomy lecturer which made us do things we've never done before during practical class(she actually made us draw the digestive system of human and label them in both English and Latin!), met this Histology lecturer who gave the first Histology lecture and as usual none of the students understood what was she trying to say. Not to forget, only a total of 30 minutes breaktime for a 9 to 5 class. Ironic.

Will be spending every Thursday for the next 3.5 months dreading to attend lectures and practical classes. Sigh...

As expected, saw the both of them during Anatomy and Histology lectures today. My mind is tired of this but I just can't help looking at them. Brain has problem analysing signals as usual, can't take my eyes off them, mind went blank and there I was, sitting in the lecture hall, my hands and ears on auto-pilot.

As expected, I won't be able to get over them unless I have no contacts of any sort with them. It's impossible not to see them unless we're staying in different hostels. It's impossible not to see them unless none of our classes occur to be at the same place/time. It's impossible not to see them unless I track them down and avoid them as much as I can.

But these are impossible because we DO stay in the same hostel, none of us can escape lectures and plainly because I can't afford buying tracking devices. Well, the last one is just crap, nevermind that.

Is it true that despite being mentally strong, a person can never be normal when he/she comes face to face with the person he/she likes? I'm quite a big help when it comes to helping others solve relationship problems(as my friends all claim), but when it comes to my own relationship problems, I just couldn't handle it myself. Nothing seems to be right. Eyes don't seem to see the truth, ears don't seem to hear properly, brain seems to be analysing things wrongly, body actions are so weird that I sometimes fear that my body will betray myself.

I'm slowly losing co-ordination, not knowing what's right and what's wrong, not knowing what's the truth and what's not, not knowing why am I feeling like this. I'm already physically deteriorating. Used to make sure my hair looks good in public, make sure my breath doesn't stink, make sure I wear decently and never leave my accessories behind. But now, what's left are a not so satisfying hairstyle, still decent but not so up-to-style clothes, a jacket which looks like the one every average kid owns, a nerdy bagpack, spectacles which screws are loose and am not bothered to tighthen them, and accessories which I've smartly left behind at home. Basically, I now look like any average, boring kid anyone can easily find anywhere. Everyone in my university says that I look totally different from myself back in college. But there's nothing I can do. How am I supposed to get a desired hairstyle if I can't communicate with Russians hairstylists? I don't have enough funds to make myself dress better because it's not so good to ask for so much money from parents when they've already paid for my tuition fees studying abroad. I want to buy accessories but what's the point of wearing them if they only make myself look more horrendous? Imagine an average guy with that standard haristyle and not tastefully dressed wearing rings on his hands, necklaces and piercings, probably?

That should stop or everyone reading this would be foaming in front of their computer monitors. Haha.

Well, the fashion part has nothing to do with me falling for them but I think that if I were to dress like the old me, I might at least get some attention from them. If only I have a hairdresser and my accessories with me, things could've been better. The way I look now is so horrendous that I myself might probably get a heart failure looking myself in the mirror. No joke.

No, don't make me start making everyone imagine something horrendous and start foaming again(if you did just now). Well, that's all for today. In desperate need for comments! Everyone do comment k!

Nitez!