As I've said in the previous entry, I'll most probably be moving to the first hostel next year whereas my boys will be moving to the second hostel. Even now, when we're staying in the same hostel, we have very little chance to see each other. Needless to say, conversations are very rare. I can't imagine what'll happen when we move to different hostels next year. Still normal friends? Or friends no more?
Many people will ask me to think which is more important in my life: better accomodation for the next couple of years but suffering from not being able to see and talk to them or, suffer from poor accomodation for the next couple of years but being able to be with them? I know this question, but I don't know the answer.
Many things have came across my mind. There are many possibilities, sometimes too many that I don't know which way I should take. To tell the truth, compared to the first semester, now I barely talk to the Indian guy. We only say 'Hi' to each other when we meet at the corridoor, sometimes talk a lil' bit when we're at our batchmates' birthday parties. As for the Malay guy, I rarely see him in the hostel. When we meet each other in class, we only say 'Hi' to each other. Our conversations were much lesser than between me and the Indian.
I barely know them. Is it right to make decision based on people I barely know? Does it really make a difference if I choose to move in to the second hostel? We're in the same hostel too now but I don't see how good our relationships are. Move in together with them and sort things out slowly since we'll be seeing each other for the next few years? Some things just won't change no matter how hard a person tries. Like this case, when I and the Indian were in the same class last semester, I did try talking to him, making jokes together and all. But this semester, the friendship we(or only I?) built seem to just evaporated for no particular reason. As for the Malay guy, we didn't really notice each other's presence the past few months, until one day when we were both late for a lecture and we sat together the whole lecture. But then it was lecture, so we didn't talk, just smiled. Since then, whenever we see each other, there'll be the usual 'Hi' and 'Bye' but no proper conversation.
If I don't move in to the same hostel as them, I'll definitely regret for the next few years. But if I move in to the same hostel, things might not turn out fine. There are risks, but both choices deal equal damage. How am I supposed to choose?
What if one day I realise that what I have for them is merely a crush? It'll definitely be devastating. I can't imagine myself doing so many things, sacrificing so much for people who're nothing more than just crushes.
What if someday I find out that they're straight? Both of them! Straight! I'll definitely kill them then commit suicide. It's my fault for not finding out their preferences. But then again, not that I've not tried! I once saw the Malay guy holding hands with another guy BUT THEN I also saw him going online for several hours chatting with a girl. But then again, I always see him hang out with his guy friends only. What does that mean? As for the Indian, he always seem like a shy guy, but sometimes he does things that impress many people, including me. I don't know whether it's true or not but I think he only does those stunts when I'm around. But then if he's trying to impress me, why is he not making any effort to work things out?
But as I've said, I don't know what their preferences are, and all these things might be very normal but in my brain, they're analysed to make me think that they're doing them to impress me. I really wish that there's someone whom I can trust, whom I can share my problems with. One who can actually communicate with me through talking, not SMSes or thru blogs or MSN. Things would've been better then.
I'm not asking for many, just one. One such friend is all I need.
Which hostel to move? Do I have real feelings for them or they're merely crushes? What is the next step I should take? I need a friend to help me through this. Really.
Many people will ask me to think which is more important in my life: better accomodation for the next couple of years but suffering from not being able to see and talk to them or, suffer from poor accomodation for the next couple of years but being able to be with them? I know this question, but I don't know the answer.
Many things have came across my mind. There are many possibilities, sometimes too many that I don't know which way I should take. To tell the truth, compared to the first semester, now I barely talk to the Indian guy. We only say 'Hi' to each other when we meet at the corridoor, sometimes talk a lil' bit when we're at our batchmates' birthday parties. As for the Malay guy, I rarely see him in the hostel. When we meet each other in class, we only say 'Hi' to each other. Our conversations were much lesser than between me and the Indian.
I barely know them. Is it right to make decision based on people I barely know? Does it really make a difference if I choose to move in to the second hostel? We're in the same hostel too now but I don't see how good our relationships are. Move in together with them and sort things out slowly since we'll be seeing each other for the next few years? Some things just won't change no matter how hard a person tries. Like this case, when I and the Indian were in the same class last semester, I did try talking to him, making jokes together and all. But this semester, the friendship we(or only I?) built seem to just evaporated for no particular reason. As for the Malay guy, we didn't really notice each other's presence the past few months, until one day when we were both late for a lecture and we sat together the whole lecture. But then it was lecture, so we didn't talk, just smiled. Since then, whenever we see each other, there'll be the usual 'Hi' and 'Bye' but no proper conversation.
If I don't move in to the same hostel as them, I'll definitely regret for the next few years. But if I move in to the same hostel, things might not turn out fine. There are risks, but both choices deal equal damage. How am I supposed to choose?
What if one day I realise that what I have for them is merely a crush? It'll definitely be devastating. I can't imagine myself doing so many things, sacrificing so much for people who're nothing more than just crushes.
What if someday I find out that they're straight? Both of them! Straight! I'll definitely kill them then commit suicide. It's my fault for not finding out their preferences. But then again, not that I've not tried! I once saw the Malay guy holding hands with another guy BUT THEN I also saw him going online for several hours chatting with a girl. But then again, I always see him hang out with his guy friends only. What does that mean? As for the Indian, he always seem like a shy guy, but sometimes he does things that impress many people, including me. I don't know whether it's true or not but I think he only does those stunts when I'm around. But then if he's trying to impress me, why is he not making any effort to work things out?
But as I've said, I don't know what their preferences are, and all these things might be very normal but in my brain, they're analysed to make me think that they're doing them to impress me. I really wish that there's someone whom I can trust, whom I can share my problems with. One who can actually communicate with me through talking, not SMSes or thru blogs or MSN. Things would've been better then.
I'm not asking for many, just one. One such friend is all I need.
Which hostel to move? Do I have real feelings for them or they're merely crushes? What is the next step I should take? I need a friend to help me through this. Really.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment