The pain I sustain is unbearable. Everytime I see them, my heart ached as if I'm experiencing heart failure. No one understands how I feel, no one knows what I'm going through, no one cares for my insignificant existence.
I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.
The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.
I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.
I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around himto see whether I'm there, I just acted as if I didn't know he had entered the train. In the school before the classes start, we had eye contact in the corridoor but we both turned away very soon. After class ended, when we got out of the metro station, I did not get up to the same bus as him. He knew I was there but he too acted as if he didn't see me. Until now, I've not seen him.
The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.
Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?
I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.
The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.
I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.
I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around him
The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.
Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?
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