For One More Day

Hi, I'm back online!

Whatever.

I need to blog. My head's gonna blow up if I don't blog soon.

Things are so complicated. Does it always has to be the bi boys who gets into trouble? I'm sick of all this already.

Anyway, to make things simple from now on, the guy whom I 'dated' back in Malaysia is officially known as 'Leo', the Malay guy as 'Sam' and the Indian guy as 'Sean'.

So, things were good between me and Leo. But last week, he stopped messaging me after I teased him. Never knew the reason, but hopefully it's not because I said that he's as fat as a pig. Not that he's fat, mind you, but I countered him cos' he said I sleep like a pig. Always wanted to message him but I don't wanna disturb him since he's busy lately. Sigh.

Sam had fever few days back. Should've gone to visit him but I was never his friend you see, it'd be weird if I were to appear knocking at his room door. He's feeling better now and is able to tegur sapa with me, but I feel bad not asking how he'd been doing.

Sigh.

As for Sean, he's as cold as always. Always talk to anyone but me. Is it because I'm always putting on that serious look? Or is it because he doesn't fucking care about my existence? A smile or a 'Hi' wouldn't kill you, boy. Don't say I've never tried being friendly. I've tried smiling at you when me meet, said loads of 'Hi's, but you never smiled back, never 'Hi'-ed back. Never.

This fucking sucks. And to make things worse, my ex gave me a book by Mitch Albom titled 'For One More Day'. Highlighted some stuff in the book for me because I "didn't get her messages when she gave me 'Tuesdays With Morrie'".

"You were busy.".
"Even if girls find you handsome, it's not a license to be mean. Be nice.".
"You can find something truly important in a minute.".
"You should never let your past disappear.".
"You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart.".

I wasn't busy. I was quick to begin a relationship with you, not knowing that I'm not prepared. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for commitments. I escaped. And I never came back.

People don't know what's important to them until they've lose it. I wasn't an exception. I gave up on our relationship. I called it quits, the reason being "me pursuing studies overseas" and "long distance relationships don't work". It was an excuse, and a very bad one. After we broke up, I realised how important you are to me, but I could never race you back, for you've entrusted your heart to someone else.

I've tried forgetting about the past but I can't. I kept the memories in a box and hid it somewhere in the bottom of my mind, but no matter how heavy it weighs, it never fails to resurface. It hurts, even now.

You know what type of person I am since the day we got together. I never let people come close to me, I never grant anyone access to my heart. It's part of who I am, either you accept this package or you ask for a refund.

It's sad that the way we broke up was a mess and that both of us suffered from the impact for some time, but if I'm given a chance, I'll surely set things right.

"Things can be fixed", no?

The Date

OK, so we went on a date on Sunday. Well, plans are after all, plans. They work as guidelines on what one(in this case, we)'s gonna do.

The date turned out bad. Not only did we not have lunch or dinner together, I didn't manage to snap pics of us, we ALMOST didn't get to watch a movie, we ALMOST run out of topics to talk about. ALMOST.

The date didn't go well as planned but it wasn't actually bad(though it's true that we didn't have neither lunch nor dinner together and that I didn't get to snap pics of us). We almost didn't get to watch a movie because _i_ was picky. Or maybe it was him?

Me: "Dowan 'Ratatouille', I dowan see rat."

Him: "Hmm...'Disturbia' not nice, dowan. 'Blood Brothers'? Apa tu? 'Secret'? Never heard of it."

Me: "Um, 'Evan Almighty' leh?"

Him: "What is it about de?"

Me: "Something like 'Bruce Almighty' lor."

Him: "Hmm...'Transformers'?"

Me: "YOU HAVEN'T WATCH 'TRANSFORMERS' MEH? WHY WATCH AGAIN?!"

Him: "Um...."
Me: "2 tickets for 'Evan Almighty', please."

Him: "...."

So, I paid for the tickets and he bought us popcorns and drinks! But then there's something I'm unhappy with Cineplex. What's the point of 'Lovers Combo' if it consists of only a regular popcorn and coke? I alone can finish them ok. And thanks to you, we had to settle with 'Family Combo'. 2 regular cokes and 1 large popcorn. Ha, ha.

In the theatre, I felt cold, so I grabbed his arm to get some heat and I think it did the trick! After the movie, his attitude changed totally! He became as caring and gentle as a mother, making sure I didn't have any leftover popcorns on my shirt and stuff.

And he got me this plane! We were walking on the streets and we saw many people flying such planes, so I told him I wanted one too cos' it looks very cool, as in if one knows the correct way of handling the plane, the plane'll actually fly back to the owner. Some sorta like a boomerang. Not only did he paid for the plane, he even let me choose which plane I want k!

After we got bored of playing with the plane(cos we couldn't make the plane return to us), he brought me to Baskin Robbin's and bought me ice-cream!

I'm in a hurry so yeah, this is basically how our date was. Wasn't all that bad, huh?



P/S: I'll be going overseas to continue my studies later today so until I get an internet connection, I won't be posting.

The Beginning...?

I can't get myself to sleep.

Remember this? Well, I'm going on a pseudo date with him later. Yes, just the both of us. Of all the years we have known one another, I *think* this is the FIRST time we have actually gone somewhere without anyone else(unless seminars are taken into account).

I am so nervous.

Where to eat? He doesn't like spending money so goodbye Tony Roma's, Italiannies and TGI Friday's. But I don't want to grab burgers at McD or KFC! If only I spent less on labels, I can easily buy him an expensive dinner at Mandarin Oriental, have a drink at Sri Hartamas and a black code from Giorgio Armani as a gift on our pseudo date. If only.

What movie to watch? This is a pseudo date, fight scenes are a big no no. No to spirits-related movies too as today is the 14th of the 7th month of the lunar calendar, the day which hungry ghosts come to earth in search for food. He as a buddhist won't agree with watching ghostly movies. Doraemon then?

How to make him take pics? Believe it or not, for all these years, we have NEVER taken a single photo together. Seriously, never! It's gonna be super awkward to suddenly tell him that i want him to pose so that I can snap a sexy picture of him. Besides, what's my reason? "Because I love you so much that I can't live a single day without looking at you, even if it's only a picture of you" "Beacuse I wanna snap pics of us every now and then so that in the future when we look back at these pictures, we can have a good laugh at how young we once were and to remember how long have we known each other"?

Friends have been telling me to treat this as any other normal outing with friends so that things will be less un-norm. Easy for one to say. We cannot control how our brains think, can we? If I can, I'd rather make myself fall for girls, get married and have children like any other straight guy! Life would've been much better then.

The last thing I need to hear now are love songs, which ironically, are playing on my iTunes now. Sigh.

Btw, I've just watched Cut Sleeve Boys and boy is Steven Lim hot and sexy! I don't usually go for Asians when I watch movies but seriously, whichever gay or bi male who didn't have a slightest bit of crush on him is either a retard or is simply blind. Just the kind of build I wish I have: pecs, biceps and a beautiful V-shaped curve. Six pack? Who needs them if whatever he's got is enough to make him a sex god? That unshaven look and that tattoo gave him quite some points too!

"I want you to fuck me, please, Sir."

Cupcake

Gaining weight is something I've been wanting all these years but I was never disciplined enough to take it seriously. I'm in nature a person whose metabolism rate is of the higher side, I just won't put on weight no matter how much I eat.

Since young, many people had thought that I was malnutritioned. Relatives, friends, neighbours. They all thought that I either don't eat or was malnutritioned, but the former seemed more appropriate as my brother is of bigger size - fat, to put it bluntly -, thus ruling out the possibility of me being malnutritioned. Little do they know that I'm the bigger monster when it comes to eating. But then again, who would've thought that my body's metabolism is working overtime whereas my brothers, off to the nearest pub for its Party Hour even before the sun sets!

I may be eating like a glutton, but not only do I not gain weight, I lose. Even Runway supermodels die to exchange for my weight. Serious. But poor bro' isn't so lucky. No matter how little he eats, somehow, weights will just load up in him.

It was until last year when I started my studies overseas. I was away from home, plus I'm a lazy bum, chocolates became my best friends. Not only do they keep my stomach quiet for longer hours, it's cheap too. And since it's cheap, I eat them a lot. Besides, it provides lots of calories for my overtime 'worker' to burn, which is good. I don't want them to start burning off other organic substances when they're running low in calories.

A year had passed. Finally, I've gained weight! Standing at approx. 5'11", I was always underweight, but it's a good thing now that I've gained some weight and become LESS underweight. 8KGs in a year's time, not too bad huh? Weighing 63 now, I'm sure I'll gain more weight, thanks to cheap Kit-Kat's and Snickers. Much thanks to protein shakes and gym classes and swimming too!

It's the 5th week of me working out in the gym. I'm nowhere near 'broad and comfy shouders', 'ripped pecs', 'six-packs' and 'V-shaped curve', but my muscles do feel firmer, 'baby pecs' are growing, my once 'slightly visible six-packs' are showing themselves to me again. 1.5 weeks more!

Need.Broader.Shoulder.And.Larger.Arms.To.Fit.Into.My.Gay.Sexy.Sleeveless.Tee.

A body to die for...

Mystery Unfolds

My deepest apologies for breaking my promise! I've totally forgotten about it! I'll make up with it in this entry!

(ok, that's too much of !'s in a paragraph)

On Friday morning, I went to Cineleisure Damansara to get myself some brand new accessories(no, it's not THE ACCESORY I mentioned in the last last entry)! I bought new rings! After living for 2 years with only ONE ring, I've decided to add new rings to begin my own collection! Guess what, I'm now a proud owner of THREE beautiful rings! It's still little, but I'm just getting started with my bling blings! I'm currently looking for necklaces, wristbands and earrings. Whoever found nice above said accessories can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com.


As you guys know, there's this new car from Proton right? Apparently there's this box outside Cineleisure where the car is kept within and there are tiny holes for people to peek into to have a look at the new Proton member. Proton is very smart, no matter which hole I peek into, I just couldn't see the name of the new car, though I knew that it is a new model of Proton Gen.2.

'Take a peek at our pride and joy'. It sounds SO wrong.

Next stop was Suria KLCC! Had been dying to visit Suria KLCC because it's been YEARS since I last step foot in it. I almost had a heart failure when I was in the mall. Designer labels are everywhere in the mall! Boutiques such as Burberry, Giorgio Armani, Louis Vuitton, Banana Republic and the latest outlet of Jimmy Choo are all gathered there! I swear I almost died and went to heaven. But poor me couldn't afford these labels, so I had to settle down with Topman. Well, just joking. It's true that I can't afford designer labels NOW but Topman isn't that bad too. And I'm happy to grab a sleeveless tee from Topman! It is a big challenge since I've NEVER worn a sleeveless tee, my arms are as 'huge' as tree branches plus it has pink stripes. And the fact that even when I'm in a size S tee, the tee still HUGE didn't help. If I were to try on an XS, I'm gonna look 200% PLU. Thank lord there weren't any stock left for size XS. Still, I look 165% PLU.

But then again, I'm currently going to the gym everyday and I drink protein shakes after every workout, and that after 3 weeks of workout, my pecs are starting to show(a lil') and my arms look firmer than before. And since I'll have 2.5 weeks more of time to workout before I leave the country, I assume that by then I wouldn't look too tiny and weak to fit in that tee. Plus I'm gonna get a sun tan, so I assume a sleeveless tee would look kinda nice on me(what's the point of getting a sun tan if I'm gonna cover myself up with lots of cloth?). After much consideration, I finally decided to get the tee. =)

I'm still kinda freaked out to wear this tee out to public. It's my first, after all.

And now it's time to show everyone my first designer labelled accessory! An optical glasses from Emporio Armani!

Actually it's no big deal but since it's my first designer labelled accesory, I'm gonna make a big blast about it. But I think I've made the wrong investment. I should've used the money to buy tops from Emporio Armani instead of an optical glasses. After all, it's the logo printed on the top that's gonna be more visible than tiny logos on the glasses. But then I still love my glasses and I'll be sticking to it for some time. (And sorry for the blurry image of the glasses, my cam was on the wrong mode, it focused on the backfround instead of the glasses)

Random: I've always wanted to snap a pic of this thing and post it online but whenever I went to that place, I just didn't have my cam with me. Finally, on Friday, I went to Cineleisure with my cam prepared and I took a pic of this thing!

These cow sculptures outside Marche looks so beautiful! Everytime I walk past Marche, I'll take a good look at them before I walk away. Every now and then I have urges to hug the cows but I'm glad that I've yet let the devil in me to take control of myself. God knows what kind of looks people will cast on me if I were to hug and kiss the cows in public.

The cows look as if they're part of Swatch. Red background with white-coloured crosses, so Swatchy, so Switzerland-ish.

That's all, good night! And yeah, Happy Birthday dear sis! May you get married soon so that I could use your room as my private wardrobe! =P

*sniff*

The smell of fresh template is so intoxicating. Literally.

Threw the old blog template out the window for a new one! I do know that this template is simple & dull(cos' it's from Blogger) but it took me some time to customize it to make it look 'not so original from Blogger itself', as in I changed the fonts, colours and all.

At least I took the effort to segregate it from 'Originals by Blogger'. This is just a trial template so don't complain. I'm currently trying to learn Photoshop, hopefully when my Photoshop skills gets better in the future, I can produce a decent template with a pretty header.

That is if my Photoshop skills are going to get better.

I Will Survive

Living in a foreign country for a year has taught me to NEVER not do researches on any country anyone plans to visit. In my case, Russian Federation.

Life was as terrible as living in hell as most Russians don't speak English but they expect foreigners to speak fluent Russian. A worldwide spoken language is so inferior in Russia. Ironic.

It wasn't long since Soviet Union crumbled. Russia is far behind many countries in terms of development, though it's rapidly catching up in the recent years.

As for the gay and bi boys, it's sad news to be living in Russia because it was once a communist country, plus it's an underdeveloped and poor country that no businessmen want to do business in Russia. No businesses from foreign countries mean no foreign fashion labels. No fashion labels mean gay and bi boys can only dress like old, conservative, lack-of-fashion-sense straight Russian men.

Or so I thought.

A recent boost in my fashion radar results in an increase in awareness of the power of the World Wide Web. "Designer labels must have their own websites in the internet!"

And so I searched for designer labels online, browsed their webpages and to my delight, most labels are sincere enough to guide lost puppies like me to their boutiques around the world!

And guess what, most designer labels have outlets in Russia(though some aren't smart enough to open boutiques in Moscow)! From Louis Vuitton to Dolce & Gabbana to Giorgio Armani to Hermes to Yves Saint Laurent to Gucci! And the list goes on!

A year ago, I was a fool who thinks that Russia is hell for people who can't live without branded clothes and accessories. Now, I'm a boy who knows ways to most designer labels' boutiques! Gay and bi boys, welcome to Russia!

OK, that last line was lame.

Anyway, I'll be getting my FIRST accesory from one of the designer labels(if Esprit, Topman and other brands in similar category are not taken into account) this Friday! Couldn't look for the picture of it in the web, so you guys have to wait till Friday night for me to reveal my precious accessory!

Some new pics of my sex god Marco by Adam Bouska!

xoxo

Proof

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I think this explains WHY am I a bisexual.

Goodbye UPS!

I must admit that I'm addicted to photo-blogging but damn, it wasn't part of my plan to turn this blog into a photo blog!

But then again it won't hurt to post pictures of hot men sometimes, eh? :p

Today, I bring you one of the latest hot guy around town, Marco Dapper! Well, he might not be the LATEST but still he's kinda new when it comes to acting(and modelling).

I bet most of you already know where this entry's going, so I'm not gonna waste any time. Yes, Our(preferably mine only) Marco appeared NUDE in his VERY FIRST movie, Eating Out 2! Seriously, to be able to appear nude in his first movie, to be able to kiss(I mean KISS) me guys , I totally salute him! I bet no heterosexuals have ever done that! How hot!

And I totally envy Tiffani for being able to be in a position so close to lil Marco! I wish I was Tiffani! I would've ignored the whole filming crew and gave him heads right on the spot! And the part where Marc sucked Troy off, if I were Marc, I would've given him REAL heads and Troy didn't have to fake his moans! And he would've came sooner! And I don't mind if I have to redo the scene where Marc licked Troy's nipples! Those juicy 'titties'! Lucky Marc got the juices all for himself!

Talk about dirty and filthy, Gwen's an amateur.

Since Marco's so hot and irresistable, no wonder Adam Bouska wanna take pics of him! How I wish to be a professional and famous photographer! I'll be able to meet famous(AND hot) celebrities and I'll be able to take pics of them!

"Strip, Marco. Yes, strip. No no, undies down too. Ahhhh....that's it!"

"But but..."

"Don't worry honey, these 'special' pics are for me only. Now if you don't mind can you wake your lil bro? I need his full attention too. Come lemme give him a kiss."

If only he's gay. But then again not that he'll fall for me, a horny-photographer-wannabe. I look like a tiny tree branch whose body is flatter than sheet of paper, whose face will cause a rise in the rate of suicide if anyone were to change theirs with mine. The only way for Marco to love me is if he's blind. But there's no way I would want him to be blind! If he is blind, not only do I have to clean him up, he can't go to the gym to workout anymore and he'll gain weight and be as large as a whale!

I don't want a whale to be my boyfriend. :(

Now let's have a ride on my i-want-him-to-be-my-boyfriend's washboard 8 packs! 8 packs are uncommon k!

Man, look at him! He's a sex god! I wonder why does it take this long for him to be noticed! With his good looks and that holy-shit-gimme-that body, he should've been noticed earlier and not left to work for UPS for that insignificant amount of cash!

"Now if would excuse me, I've got lots of shootings to do. I'm famous now, ya know, and I have to earn lots of money so that my boyfriend Alex can be a househusband someday and he can spend all the money he wants on clothes! If Victoria Beckam's good at women's fashion, my husband's gotta be the best in men's fashion!"

I wish la. Not even the darkest dark magic will work on this i'm-a-100%-man heterosexual.

Photo Entry 1.0

For the first time(and hope it won't be the last), let the pictures tell you what are the things I find interesting in men.

Tell me, who can resist Mr Hidetoshi aka Mr Hot? His sexy look, his bod, his wealth(if you are considering a sugar daddy), what more can you ask from a man like him? Sex? I bet he's good in bed too. Haha.

Andre Moreas may not be a sex god but I have a thing for cowboys. His rock hard abs and that sexy unshaven look will be more than enough to blow my head!

Mr Evans, anyone? That body hair and broad chest, it's so eff-ing hot! No doubt he's our famous hero Human Torch!

Mr Handsome here sure knows what to show: his charming smile! One may not be able to see his physique here but we can definitely figure it out ourselves based on the outlines of his shoulder! God I love the colour of his eyes!

One can't tell but I surely know he's a surfer dude! His smile is just as sttractive as Mr Handsome and we too can imagine the beautiful lines running down his tight body!

I don't know why but I have a thing for the guy on the left. His smiles make him look so sweet, his dimples make him look cute, he has a GREAT body, and he has chest hair too! He is so sexy! Grr...

That's all for now, stay tuned for more pretty pics in the future!

xoxo

You Have Crossed The Line, Partner

For the years that I've known you, I've never disagree with anything that you say.

For the years that I've known you, I've done you lots of favors.

For the years that I've known you, I've taken in all your shit and not say a thing about it.

For the years that I've known you, I've never whine about you treating me as nothing more than a pile of garbage.

For the years that I've known you, I thought that there are ways to make you change.

But it all ends now.

What do you have to offer to a friend who's been there for you when you needed company? What do you have to offer to a friend who puts you ahead of himself? What do you have to offer?

Nothing. There's nothing you can offer. Not only to your friend, but to anyone at all.

Tell me, is there really nothing you can offer to a friend who merely wants your company for dinner?

Enough About You

This sucks.

It's been almost a year since I broke up with my ex but my heart has yet move on. When we first broke up, I regretted doing so because I realised that I should've given long distance relationship a try because "who knows what'll happen in the future". But what's done is done, and all I can do is wait for a chance to propose to her again.

It never happened, the proposal. Silly me wanted to ask her the question in person when I return to Malaysia for summer vacation but before I could do so, someone else did it.

That happened more than 6 months ago.

It's been 10 months since we broke up, but I have never stopped loving you, even after I knew that you have moved on with life and is very happy with your current BF.

Ok, that wasn't true. I've always loved you, until the day when I found out from a friend that you are playing the game of love again. You were already in the game for months, but I never knew. We were supposed to be "very good friends" even after the break up, right? Then why don't you tell me about it? You know I'd be happy for you!

Why are you always emo whenever I sound so cold, whenever I don't wish to share my problems with you? You are not any better yourself. You never tell me anything about youself, even when we were together! Don't say "it's because you never ask", you were never concerned about me either.

I'm such a loser. Even a girl can bring herself together and move on with life. All I do is run away from reality.

The feeling of being loved is like drugs, one never gets enough of it. It's been 10 months living without getting the feeling of a partner's love. No one's there to greet me when I rise in the morning, no one's there to give me support when I'm feeling down, no one's there to lend me a hand when I'm going through hard times, no one's there to share my joy, my everything.

For the past 10 months, I've met loads of new people, and among them there are a few whom I desire, of course, but my desire for you was overwhelming to the extent that it didn't feel right to have the slightest liking for them!

But it's all gonna be over now. I will, and I WILL stop loving you, even as a friend. Not only does it not feel right, it's completely not right for us to keep in touch anymore, no thanks to your pestering.

"Ooh, so what's new?" "hey got study or not? muz study k!" "hey long time din hear from u, busy ar?" "hey y u sound so cold? u hate me is it?" I may not be brave and rude enough to agree with you with the last statement but yes, I sound very cold because if I don't do this you're gonna continue milking attention from me while you're giving your boyfriend heads. This has to end now!

I swear I'll stop loving you, stop feeling sad when I see pics of you and your current BF, stop being jealous when I look at the captions like "me & my lou gong zai" which you wrote for your pics, stop browsing your online profiles, stop talking to you, stop every single possible contact with you. STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Ok, I'm OFFICIALLY single and available. Whoever(guy/gal) wants to buy me a drink can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com! Do it quick before I leave the country!

Flames of An Undying Friendship

Fantasies are evil.

Why so?

Friends come and go. Some stayed longer, some left earlier, and some(well, actually almost none) stays forever. And I'm proud to say that at 20 years of age, I've met a friend which has yet(yes, YET) to leave my life.

I've known this friend for a very long time(probably 12 years now) and I don't see any sign of him leaving my life. He's been a very good friend AND neighbour since primary 2. We'd travelled to school together for countless times, went to the same tuition centre, played computer games and soccer together, stayed over, and loads of stuffs. Though there are times where I and he both found our own groups of friends to mix with and had spent lesser time for one another, we have yet leave each other's lives.

It's a blessing to have him as a friend, though he's not perfect(neither am I so what am I to complain). But he's HAWT, no doubt about it. And since we were such good friends doing most things together, there were times where we both got a lil' naughty and went over the lines, but not to the extent which destroys our (still is)blooming friendship.

But naughty me does more than just actions. Like any other HEALTHY BOYS, I fantasize about him too.

*blushes*

But it all ended after high school. He went on to Form Six and I went to college. We never talk or meet that often anymore, no thanks to him always failing to reply my SMSes and me not dedicated enough to maintain this friendship. And it got worse when I have to pursue Medicine overseas. How can I expect to maintain this friendship so far away from home when we've both failed to maintain it when our distances were nearer?

A year has passed. I thought that what's left of our friendship is a pile of dust on a photo album which has not been cleaned for centuries. But I was wrong.

I went over to pay he and his family(we were neighbours for 9 years!) a visit last evening, and I found that he was very excited to see me again. It's been a long time since I last saw and talked to him. We have sent each other not even a SMS throughout the whole time I was overseas. The feeling of thinking of losing a very good friend sucked, and I'm glad I don't have to continue thinking of it and feeling sucky.

It's really great to be back and be in touch with my long 'lost' friend. We are all grown-ups now, and few years from now, we'll all be serving the society, me being a doctor and him being a pharmacist(that is if he passes his interview for a seat in a local Uni!). We both have travelled this far together, and although there were times where we both got separated, we have proved to the world that our friendship is solid. It's there, and it cannot be broken by anything in this world.

But then again, now that our friendship is becoming stronger, fantasies about him are coming back too. He's HAWT, after all. But I heard he has a girlfriend already(but he would've told me!). Oh well, it's only a matter of time of when will they break up. Not that I'm jealous of the girl, it's just that the girl is the LOA type and he's just not the kind who cares enough about anything at all. He should be looking at me, recalling the things we've done, and pick me instead!

I'm the one, the ONLY one who deserves him. Hahahahah.

Boy, I'm gonna have to stop thinking about all this before my brain is corrupted to the point of no return!

It's only been an hour since I left his house and I can't stop thinking of him. I believe, and I know that for 24 hours from now, I'll be thinking of him non-stop.

Somebody stop me!

Eternal Summer

Hey there everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted an entry. Had been busy with stuffs. My deepest apologies.

There are many things I want to blog about, but I just couldn't blog them out. Everytime part of me felt like blogging, another part of me would occupy myself with loads of work. I don't know why is this happening but somehow, it became a routine. Whenever I feel like blogging, I'll tell myself that I'm busy and I'll find some other time to blog.

This explains why I hadn't blogged for more than a month.

Was busy with exams the whole month. It was finals for my first year in Med School afterall, had to do the best I could or I'll regret when things get tougher in the future, especially when it'll be tougher to score good grades. Had been busy shopping for gifts for relatives and friends too. Again, it's my first year studying overseas, I cannot not bring anything back for everyone, can I?

Not to mention the times I wasted on being depressed over people who don't deserve it.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be back home. For the next 2 months, I can be stupid and lazy. I don't have to look at Medical textbooks(Anatomy, gasp!), don't have to prepare my own meals, don't have to do my own laundry, don't have to drag myself up to school early in the morning and returning home late in the evening, and the best thing is I can play all I want! Oh dear internet, I miss you so much!

After months of waiting, I finally got my hands on one of the best Taiwan movies, Eternal Summer. It was out last October but I didn't have the chance to watch it as I don't have internet connection there and none of my friends watch such movies.

Sad, right?

Anyway, Eternal Summer was really good. My patience finally paid off, after months of waiting and dreaming of it. Haha.

Joseph Chang is so hot!! And cute!!

But then I was kinda disappointed with the ending when Shane(Joseph Chang) indirectly rejected Jonathan(Bryant Chang). EVERYONE agrees that Joseph Chang is HOT and it's really sad that he chose Kate Yeung instead of Bryant Chang.

It's cruel, just like reality. We just won't get what we hoped for, no matter how hard we pray, how little we sin, how many good deeds we have done.

Sigh.

But then again I strongly recommend this movie! Unlike other movies with shitty actings, this movie is one of the best I've ever seen. I rarely watch Taiwan movies but I couldn't stop watching this one as it has really good standards. They can enter Oscars lor I tell you, especially Joseph and Bryant Chang. As for Kate, she needs more practise. Sorry la, but that's the truth.

I'm not saying this because I'm a sexist k. I admit I like Joseph Chang(*blushes*) but it wasn't the reason why I'm promoting him and not Kate k. Kate is good too, just that she needs more practise compared with the 2 actors.

Aih, if only I have a boyfriend as cute as Joseph, I will do anything for him. Anything!

You Mind Pushing That Bone Nearer, Master?

I went for a great party last weekend. Initially it was supposed to be a party among us Malaysians but as the party went on, more and more foreigners joined us. In the end, there were more foreigners than Malaysians.

Ok, so that was how the foreigners joined our party. I had to cut it short because that wasn't the main point.

There were these 2 extremely cute guys in the party. 1 was from Turkey and another from Poland. At first I didn't know they speak English because they kept on speaking Russian with us until they told us that they learned English back in their country. We were sooo excited! Since then most of the conversations were in English.

The guy from Turkey is the hyperactive type whereas the Poland guy is more sensible. The Turkey guy loves attention so much! Whatever he does, whatever he says, he has to make sure we all heard him. Well, not ALL but those people whom he's talking to at that time. He is such a big monkey, running here and there and wants to be in almost every single picture we take. And believe me, you will never see him putting up a serious face because he's just too playful!

And guess what? He is such a PLAYBOY! One moment you'll see him cuddling a girl and say "she's my girlfriend", another moment you'll see another girl cuddling him from behind and say "he's my boyfriend", then another moment you'll see few girls all over him, one cuddling his body, one cuddling his legs and one playing with his hair. He loves people touching his hair so much, exactly like a puppy! So adorable!

I think he is absolutely straight since he's such a 'player', but what he did to me was definitely out of my mind. Whenever he sits beside me, he'll place his hand on my lap and actually feel my skin. Then, when he's sitting on my left and is trying to get something from somebody sitting on my right, he'll place his arm on my lap to balance himself while getting what he wanted. I don't think it's really normal because I knew him for less than 10 minutes at that time! I do know what whites are friendly, but I didn't know they were THIS friendly!

We had a small talk among the 2 of us but it didn't last very long because we were interrupted plus he cannot speak good English and I can't speak good Russian. I felt he was flirting with me because he asked me lots of question about myself. Yes, MYSELF! Usually foreigners would ask questions like where do we come from, what do we have in other countries and all other general questions, but he asked me questions about me myself! He generally asked us where do we come from, then he just turned to me and started talking to me only. He's not interested in them, he's interested in me only!

Well, at least that was what I thought. I hope the flirting could last longer, but he just couldn't sit still. Soon after we were interrupted, he went to talk to other people and when he returned, he turned his attention to one of his 'girlfriends'. Later, he and his 'girlfriend' went home because it was getting late and they were sleepy. Even when he was leaving, he had to make sure everyone sees him leaving.

So cute lor!

The guy from Poland came after the Turkey guy left. At first he was with another group but later came to hang out with us. He said his name is Борис but I doubt it's his real name because 'Борис' is a Russian name.

The Poland guy looks and acts more mature than the monkey(=p) and it really turned me on. He may not have the body of a sex god(he's fit la), but his thin moustache makes him look neat and masculine. Whenever you're with him, you feel secured. That's the feeling he gave me.

He talked about his country, about the activities he did, his experience and stuff, but I cannot tahan him banging me lor. He thought Malaysians speak some strange language and I defended by saying if Malaysians were to speak some strange language, we wouldn't be able to communicate in ENGLISH. Then he tried talking in Russian and I told him I can't understand and speak Russian very well. That was a wrong thing to do. The moment he knew that I couldn't speak and understand Russian well, he started banging me by saying things like "if you want to speak and understand Russian language well, you have to practice! Like me, I've been here for 3 months already but this is the first time I've been speaking English so much! If you don't know how to say something in Russian, try using other words or use body language to make other people understand you! *blah blah blah*". Just because he can speak English and Russian well doesn't mean he can bang me like that. He's so mean.

But then again it just makes him look more reliable. <3

How I wish they could stay here longer. All of them are leaving end of June and they won't be coming back to this country anymore. Sad, isn't it?


P/S: I might be paying a visit to the Turkey girls' room together with some of my friends who're going back to Malaysia soon. I'll try to ask them to call the Turkey guy to go over and join us. I'm so gonna ask which room he lives in and I'll tell him mine too and I'm so gonna hint to him that my roommates are leaving soon and that I'll be all ALONE in the room and that he can come by to visit me sometimes. If he's REALLY interested in me, I'll do anything to make him come to me, since I want him badly too! If he really is interested in me and really does drop by at my room after my roommates have left, I can't imagine what'll happen. He'll grab my hands and push me into the room, locks the room door, pin me onto the bed and make me beg for him to do something to me, perhaps? Who cares if he's going back to Turkey next month and not coming back anymore? It's the experience and memories that'll last forever.

PP/S: I'm such a horny dog! God please forgive me!

Men SUCK

I'm sorry but I feel like screaming now.

*screams hysterically*

****

I've just watched "She's The Man"(sorry but I'm always slow when it comes to movies) and GOD, there are so many guys in there! To be more accurate, cute and hot guys!

Look at that healthy tan of Justin(Robert Hoffman)! He's like, the best looking guy in that movie! What else can you ask for from a guy who's not only good looking but also has a very nice tan? Plus he's a soccer player! His body is just so pretty! Not to forget that charming smile and smooth skin! He can easily melt someone's heart without even doing anything!

Then there's Paul(Jonathan Sadowski), the hairstylist! He is so CUTE! The hair, the cute smile and his taste when it comes to dressing! He's like, the best boyfriend one can ever have! It's sad that he showed up quite little in the whole movie but he made every appearance memorable! I wish my boyfriend is as alert as Paul is when it comes to dressing, but first, I need a boyfriend!

As for our leading actor Duke(Channing Tatum), I think he's quite a turn-on when he's half naked. He may not have those charming looks like Justin and Paul, abs like a typical soccer player but he's kinda cute in a different way. He looks like more mature than the other 2 and looked even better with that not-so-smooth skin and a little scar under his right eye. It makes him look more rugged and make others feel secured when they're with him.

I wish my boyfriendS are as good-looking as Justin, as cute as Paul, as rugged as Duke, as good his taste when it comes to picking the nicest clothes as Paul and most importantly, as sensible as Duke. Guys who only lust for sex can rot in hell. Same goes for those who think that they can screw arund with other people's feelings because they're Prince Charmings.

But first, we need less straight guys in this world.

"Statistics show that there are at least 1 homosexual within 10 individuals, but we think that there are more of them out there since not all of them has the courage to admit who they are."

Yeah, if there are 1/10 in statistics, X/10 if "there are more out there since blah blah blah", then why are there still so few homo and bisexuals in this world?! Why have I yet found a NON-STRAIGHT guy? Almost every single guy I met is straight!

"1 in every 10 individuals"? I say it's 1 in a million. If it's so, I might as well put more hope in women, since "9/10 chance they're straight". The probability would've been lower saying "I love you" to a lesbian than to a straight man, which means that good chance I won't get beaten up by a man and calling me a "queer".

Seriously speaking, the leading actress Viola(Amanda Bynes) is kinda cute too. I can actually consider having her as my girfriend, since most men suck.

Lame joke: If men SUCK, why are they straight? Wouldn't they all be gay? Seriously dude, they SUCK!

Part II

As I've said in the previous entry, I'll most probably be moving to the first hostel next year whereas my boys will be moving to the second hostel. Even now, when we're staying in the same hostel, we have very little chance to see each other. Needless to say, conversations are very rare. I can't imagine what'll happen when we move to different hostels next year. Still normal friends? Or friends no more?

Many people will ask me to think which is more important in my life: better accomodation for the next couple of years but suffering from not being able to see and talk to them or, suffer from poor accomodation for the next couple of years but being able to be with them? I know this question, but I don't know the answer.

Many things have came across my mind. There are many possibilities, sometimes too many that I don't know which way I should take. To tell the truth, compared to the first semester, now I barely talk to the Indian guy. We only say 'Hi' to each other when we meet at the corridoor, sometimes talk a lil' bit when we're at our batchmates' birthday parties. As for the Malay guy, I rarely see him in the hostel. When we meet each other in class, we only say 'Hi' to each other. Our conversations were much lesser than between me and the Indian.

I barely know them. Is it right to make decision based on people I barely know? Does it really make a difference if I choose to move in to the second hostel? We're in the same hostel too now but I don't see how good our relationships are. Move in together with them and sort things out slowly since we'll be seeing each other for the next few years? Some things just won't change no matter how hard a person tries. Like this case, when I and the Indian were in the same class last semester, I did try talking to him, making jokes together and all. But this semester, the friendship we(or only I?) built seem to just evaporated for no particular reason. As for the Malay guy, we didn't really notice each other's presence the past few months, until one day when we were both late for a lecture and we sat together the whole lecture. But then it was lecture, so we didn't talk, just smiled. Since then, whenever we see each other, there'll be the usual 'Hi' and 'Bye' but no proper conversation.

If I don't move in to the same hostel as them, I'll definitely regret for the next few years. But if I move in to the same hostel, things might not turn out fine. There are risks, but both choices deal equal damage. How am I supposed to choose?

What if one day I realise that what I have for them is merely a crush? It'll definitely be devastating. I can't imagine myself doing so many things, sacrificing so much for people who're nothing more than just crushes.

What if someday I find out that they're straight? Both of them! Straight! I'll definitely kill them then commit suicide. It's my fault for not finding out their preferences. But then again, not that I've not tried! I once saw the Malay guy holding hands with another guy BUT THEN I also saw him going online for several hours chatting with a girl. But then again, I always see him hang out with his guy friends only. What does that mean? As for the Indian, he always seem like a shy guy, but sometimes he does things that impress many people, including me. I don't know whether it's true or not but I think he only does those stunts when I'm around. But then if he's trying to impress me, why is he not making any effort to work things out?

But as I've said, I don't know what their preferences are, and all these things might be very normal but in my brain, they're analysed to make me think that they're doing them to impress me. I really wish that there's someone whom I can trust, whom I can share my problems with. One who can actually communicate with me through talking, not SMSes or thru blogs or MSN. Things would've been better then.

I'm not asking for many, just one. One such friend is all I need.

Which hostel to move? Do I have real feelings for them or they're merely crushes? What is the next step I should take? I need a friend to help me through this. Really.

Part I

2 months from now, it'll be the end of second semester of my Medical course. When I return from summer holidays, I and my fellow batchmates will be moving to permanent hostels as the current hostel we're staying in isn't permanent hostels. By the way, permanent hostels mean these hostels are owned by the University and that when we move in to them next year, we won't be able to switch hostels unless there are spaces. And since now the University has trouble placing us in permanent hostels as the spaces available aren't enough to support the whole batch of my year, so if I were to move in to, say, hostel A, then most probably I won't be able to move to hostel B, unless I wait for 1 year for the seniors to graduate. Even then I'll have to fight for places with my juniors.

Back to topic.

There are 2 hostels owned by my Unversity. The first hostel is the newest hostel which was built 1.5 years ago, so in terms of accomodation, internet service and distance from University, this hostel is the best, as the second hostel was kinda old and is quite far from University. But the second hostel has more spaces compared with the first hostel, which means that most of the students of my batch will be moving to the second hostel and only a hand full will be moving to the first hostel.

It took me quite some time to decide which hostel I want to move in. In terms of accomodation, the rooms in the first hostel are bigger and much nicer than the second hostel. In terms of transportation, the hostel is only 5 minutes walk away from the metro station and it's about 20 minutes walk away from the University. In terms of who will I be living with for the next couple of years, I'm fine living with my current roommates, so we planned to move together and stay together again.

So, me and my roommates discussed and finally decided to move in to the first hostel. Everything's much better in that hostel, and everyone else in my batch wants to move in too, if there are spaces available.

But the problem is, most of the students staying in to the first hostel are my groupmates, which means that if I really do move in to the first hostel next year, I'll be seeing them from day till night, whereas my other batchmates who live in the same hostel now will be staying in the second hostel and I won't be able to see them besides in lectures. It'll be very depressing as I'll be missing out lots of birthday celebrations, group cookings and going to each other's rooms to play games, discuss about homeworks and bitch about things.

But the most depressing thing is that I won't be able to see my boys anymore. The Indian will be moving to the second hostel as his gang is moving there. The Malay will be moving to the second hostel too since he's a government sponsored student and I bet our government won't spend more money to give their students better accomodation.

Sigh.



P/S: This is the first part. The second part will be out later because I'm very sleepy now and I want to sleep. Part 2 won't be short, so I thought I'd better sleep now so that I'll have the energy to write later.

Lub, Dub?

The pain I sustain is unbearable. Everytime I see them, my heart ached as if I'm experiencing heart failure. No one understands how I feel, no one knows what I'm going through, no one cares for my insignificant existence.

I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.

The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.

I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.

I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around him to see whether I'm there, I just acted as if I didn't know he had entered the train. In the school before the classes start, we had eye contact in the corridoor but we both turned away very soon. After class ended, when we got out of the metro station, I did not get up to the same bus as him. He knew I was there but he too acted as if he didn't see me. Until now, I've not seen him.

The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.

Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?

Simple And Clean, Not

I seriously pity myself. Someday I'm really going to regret that I've been spending my whole life sleeping, eating and playing. My life is so boring that there's nothing to blog about holidays, unless you think that sleeping for 10 hours a day and spending the rest watching movies, eating and day-dreaming are things worth blogging.

Well, new semester began yesterday. Only the first day of class but was late for Anatomy lecture(everyone else's late too, btw), met my new Anatomy lecturer which made us do things we've never done before during practical class(she actually made us draw the digestive system of human and label them in both English and Latin!), met this Histology lecturer who gave the first Histology lecture and as usual none of the students understood what was she trying to say. Not to forget, only a total of 30 minutes breaktime for a 9 to 5 class. Ironic.

Will be spending every Thursday for the next 3.5 months dreading to attend lectures and practical classes. Sigh...

As expected, saw the both of them during Anatomy and Histology lectures today. My mind is tired of this but I just can't help looking at them. Brain has problem analysing signals as usual, can't take my eyes off them, mind went blank and there I was, sitting in the lecture hall, my hands and ears on auto-pilot.

As expected, I won't be able to get over them unless I have no contacts of any sort with them. It's impossible not to see them unless we're staying in different hostels. It's impossible not to see them unless none of our classes occur to be at the same place/time. It's impossible not to see them unless I track them down and avoid them as much as I can.

But these are impossible because we DO stay in the same hostel, none of us can escape lectures and plainly because I can't afford buying tracking devices. Well, the last one is just crap, nevermind that.

Is it true that despite being mentally strong, a person can never be normal when he/she comes face to face with the person he/she likes? I'm quite a big help when it comes to helping others solve relationship problems(as my friends all claim), but when it comes to my own relationship problems, I just couldn't handle it myself. Nothing seems to be right. Eyes don't seem to see the truth, ears don't seem to hear properly, brain seems to be analysing things wrongly, body actions are so weird that I sometimes fear that my body will betray myself.

I'm slowly losing co-ordination, not knowing what's right and what's wrong, not knowing what's the truth and what's not, not knowing why am I feeling like this. I'm already physically deteriorating. Used to make sure my hair looks good in public, make sure my breath doesn't stink, make sure I wear decently and never leave my accessories behind. But now, what's left are a not so satisfying hairstyle, still decent but not so up-to-style clothes, a jacket which looks like the one every average kid owns, a nerdy bagpack, spectacles which screws are loose and am not bothered to tighthen them, and accessories which I've smartly left behind at home. Basically, I now look like any average, boring kid anyone can easily find anywhere. Everyone in my university says that I look totally different from myself back in college. But there's nothing I can do. How am I supposed to get a desired hairstyle if I can't communicate with Russians hairstylists? I don't have enough funds to make myself dress better because it's not so good to ask for so much money from parents when they've already paid for my tuition fees studying abroad. I want to buy accessories but what's the point of wearing them if they only make myself look more horrendous? Imagine an average guy with that standard haristyle and not tastefully dressed wearing rings on his hands, necklaces and piercings, probably?

That should stop or everyone reading this would be foaming in front of their computer monitors. Haha.

Well, the fashion part has nothing to do with me falling for them but I think that if I were to dress like the old me, I might at least get some attention from them. If only I have a hairdresser and my accessories with me, things could've been better. The way I look now is so horrendous that I myself might probably get a heart failure looking myself in the mirror. No joke.

No, don't make me start making everyone imagine something horrendous and start foaming again(if you did just now). Well, that's all for today. In desperate need for comments! Everyone do comment k!

Nitez!

Dancing Fire

Most crushes don't last long. Usually they only last for days or weeks. Sometimes they may last for months but only in very rare cases that they last for years. I'm glad mine lasted only for 2 months.

I once had multiple crushes at the same time and the period of the crushes lasted for almost a year. It is actually quite terrifying when I think of it now, but I'm glad that I'm now in a different institution from them. But still this isn't part of what I intend to blog about.

Anyway.

For those who has been reading my entries, you all should know that I had 4 crushes, which later reduced to 2, a Malay guy and an Indian guy.

When I initially started having crushes on them, I thought it would be very hard not to develop feelings for them, and even harder when I started being emo over things that they do. I once cursed the Malay guy for suspecting him having a boyfriend and later found out that he might have a girlfriend but still was sure that he's gay. I once got very upset because the Indian guy had chicken pox and almost cursed the person who infected him.

But, a month of holiday was worth it. Turns out I'm starting to have less interest on them now. Saw the Malay guy in a supermarket few days ago. He had a hair-cut and look very, VERY cute, but had only managed to make my brain go haywire for less than 5 minutes. Before this, seeing him for 10 seconds a day was enough to get me 'high' for few days. I guess it's a good sign. As for the Indian guy, I saw him at the corridoors on the floor I'm staying at(we stay in different floors, in case any of you has forgotten) talking with our batchmate. Attractive as usual, but I walked away just like that. Well, I did turn around and walked past the same place several times but later when he suddenly disappeared, I didn't feel nervous or anxious at all. In fact, I just acted as if nothing has happened and within minutes, I've already stopped thinking about him. Also a positive sign I hope.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that when the next semester begins, I'll be seeing them quite often again and that I might start having crushes on them again. I have very low immunity for cases like this, and I really don't hope that I'll have crushes on them again. This is a 6-year course and I don't wish that I'll be spending all of it having crushes on them, stop, and then having crushes on them all over again.

I'm tired of this. I don't want a forest fire which was put off few moments ago to come alive again and continue burning the forest until nothing's left.

I just don't want to.

Relationships Are Based On Lies

Have you ever seen someone who has never lied?

If you do, introduce me to that person. I would be more than happy to meet that person.

No one's perfect, and a relationship, any relationship, would use the help of some lies to make things better. It would've been better to lie to your girlfriend that you didn't go to the bar to get a drink than telling her the truth and having her suspect that you're having an affair. It would've been better to lie to your wife that you have erectile dysfunction than telling her that you don't want to have sex with her because you don't find her attractive anymore. It would've been better to tell your parents that you're busy for the weekend and wouldn't be able to visit them than telling them that you're sick of travelling 500 miles every weekend to visit them. And the list of lies goes on.

Lies are not necessarily negative. Some people lie for bad reasons, some claim to lie for good reasons, but some claim to lie just for the fun of it. The bottomline is that everybody lies, no matter what the reason is.

So, the next time a person says he doesn't lie, he is actually lying for saying that he doesn't.


P/S: Yes, I do understand that my points aren't stated out clearly and this entry is far too short than it should be. Have lots of things to blog about, but I just didn't have the mood to make myself write.

Hey There Hottie

What if a hottie takes a pic of himself and make it as a handphone theme? ANY PLU would've died just to get the handphone theme, right?

Well, lucky me have found one of the greatest thing on earth. Well, at least for now that makes it the best thing on earth to me la.

Was browsing the web to look for new handphone themes and I came across this theme where a hottie posed for a pic and then made it a handphone theme and distributed it all over the net. He's EXTREMELY cooool in that pic and even though the pic covers only from his head till his naked shoulders, it's more than enough for me to put me into fantasy. *ahemz*

If only I come across such gorgeous man in my life, I would've died happily. IF only.

But I'm not sure bout all these sometimes. At times I feel that I still love my ex-girlfriend very much, but when I happen to meet a hunk/hottie/cuttie on the streets, I swear I would've given all my life to any of them. Seriously.

Which is why I'm currently in a dilemma of whether I should return to my ex or give myself more time to explore. I love her, but yet I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again if I'm with her again for some time just to find that I'm more into the same gender.

I'm in need of professional's help, NOW. My brain, the signals and my desires are killing me, fast. I'm becoming more humane, and I don't like it. I'm losing the abilities to guess people's mind, give wise advices, prediction and most importantly, self-help.

But then, until I know what's going on in my brain, I'm going to act as if I'm just an innocent human who's obsessed with fashion. Yep, that shall be it.

Oh by the way, it's been quite some time since New Year but I have yet to make any New Year Resolution(s), I guess now's the time to do it.

My New Year Resolutions are:
- to turn myself into another personality, again
- buy more designer clothes(since I'm gonna be obsessed with fashion)
- dress more classy(no point learning the attitude but not dressing well)
- put on more weight(preferable muscle mass; well, have been saying this for thousands of times but no actions were taken, hopefully this time's for real)
- getting myself attached(preferably a guy for now since I've yet to try a guy-guy relationship and I think it'll provide me much help in deciding my sexuality)
- completely stop the 'sissy' teasing by my friends(few more steps only, I can make it!)
- last but not least, to do well in exams(I do study k!)

This entry has totally drifted away from the main point. But then again, it has saved me lots of time from writing more boring entries. Should do this more next time, save the interesting stories and post them all in one entry. What a brilliant idea!

Some pics of MY hottie(whoever has this theme better delete it before I hunt you down and murder you for keeping my hottie in your filthy phone, heh):

And yeah, the pics are ALL the same. He's too hot ma, what to do?

In Search Of A Guy Who Loves Me

The Malay dislikes me, the Indian dislikes me.

Well, at least that's what I think.

Ever since the incidence which occured in the internet cafe, I've never seen the guy because it's holiday now and we live in separate floors of the hostel, so yeah, it's almost impossible to see each other.

As for the Indian guy, I'm not sure whether to consider myself lucky or not. Saw him in the lift this morning(Monday morning, I mean) and since I wasn't really prepared to seeing him, I forgot to say 'Hi' or 'Good Morning' to him. But he didn't say those words to me either. Not even a smile. He just acted so cool as if I did not exist, but I didn't really feel disturbed for being ignored like this. When the lift doors opened at gound floor, he just walked out of the lift, quickly. That was when I got really pissed and decided not to bother about him anymore, for today, which I really did. And I'm proud of myself.

But still, I don't think I deserved to be treated like this. I mean, I can accept if he doesn't say hi to me because I didn't greet him too. But, walking out of the lift quickly as if he's trying to run away from something? Not that he's late for class or anything!What's working in human minds? I'm starting to feel so lost, not understanding humans anymore. Is it because I'm becoming more and more human that I'm losing the senses? I don't know.

But 1 thing which I'm sure: I've been rejected by 4 previous guy crashes already and I'm not liking the feeling. At times I just feel like I'm not meant for games like this. I'm too tired, very tired.

Should I back out of this game?

I Hate Malays

Seriously, that Malay should just go fuck himself.

I fucking saw him chatting with a girl online for more than 3 hours k! A GIRL! 3 HOURS! FOR A VERY EXPENSIVE INTERNET ACCESS FEES!

Don't tell me it's just a normal friend cause I was sitting beside him initially and he already was chatting with that girl but suddenly he just switched to another computer and continued chatting with the girl k! Got so many things to talk about meh! Somemore go keep on viewing her Friendster! As if I'm interested in their conversation!

Well, I actually do have interest in their conversation, but not until the extend that I'll go peep at his comp k. I'm not some desperate guy lusting for another guy. Only cheapos do that. And I'm glad not to be one.

Found out that he's a government sponsored student. Found out that he might not be gay(but cannot deny the fact that I saw him holding hands with another guy!). Found out that he might have a girlfriend.

I think that he noticed me checking him out and that he has interest in me and was actually talking about me with the girl(it's HIGHLY impossible, I know, but just can't help thinking about it!). I hope I don't scare him away.

There goes the dream of holding his hands(he either has a bf or a gf and I'm not an evil man who'll go steal another person's bf), telling all my PLU friends and those who know that I'm bi that he's my boyfriend(even if he's gay, he probably doesn't prefer Chinese), staying together in a country which accepts us for who we are(as government sponsored student, he has to either work with the government for a certain period of time or return government the money, and I think he will choose the formal choice).

SIGH!

To make things worse, I dreamt of him and his bf k! They were together! In MY dream! Instead of me and him, it's him and his bf! FUCK MY BRAINS FOR COUPLING BOTH OF THEM INSTEAD OF ME AND HIM! AT LEAST SHOW ME SOMETHING WHICH I WANT BUT CAN'T HAVE IT IN REALITY LA!

I'm so sad now, until I'll just give in to any random guy(must not be too bad-looking) who sweet talks to me.

I-Am-Pissed

I fucking think that the Malay is gay. But I also think he has a boyfriend.

Fuck both of them.

Non-Merry Christmas

Chirstmas' coming soon. It's the time when people celebrate the festival with lots of cookies, turkeys, christmas trees, and yes, exchanging presents.

Will be exchanging presents with some other friends. Also planned to buy individual presents for my roommates.

What about them? One probably doesn't celebrate Christmas and the other one might be probably still sick to even bother about this festival. Feel like giving them presents, yet I don't know them well enough to give them Christmas presents yet.

Just imagine an almost complete stranger knocking up your room door, shove a present into your hands, wish you 'Merry Christmas' and then disappear into the darkness. Even a blind man knows what it means.

To make it even more obviously strange, a guy giving present to another guy whom he barely knows.

2 more days till Christmas, I'm so not looking forward to it this year.

*clucks*

The guy who has beautiful eyes and facial hair is down with chicken pox.

I wish I knew him good enough to go have a look at him and see whether he's doing fine. It's freaking weird for a person he barely knew to visit him when probably his other friends didn't even went to see him.

How's my boy doing now? =(

Crash!!

I.Fuckin.Have.Crushes.On.My.CoursemateS.

Of which 2 of them are Russians, an Indian and a Malay.

This is the first time in my life I fuckin fall for people which are non-Chinese. Well, fantasies with Whites are great, but this is the first time in my life I've ever meet them face to face, EVERYWHERE I go.

Russians are hot, and as Europeans, most of them have nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes and nice physical features. I don't know why but I think I have a liking for people who have thick and nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes, rectangular shaped face(instead of the usual squarish shape of the Asians), charming smile(of which when he smiles his cheeklines or whatever it is called will appear). Facial hair(not the thick ugly ones) would be a bonus. And like everyone elses' dream, a hot body. No one would've said no to a hot body, right?

But sometimes, I just go for the cute ones.

So, here I am, in Russian, a heaven of guys which meet my criteria. In my academy, I found 2 guys whom really caught my eye. One's not very good-looking but kinda cool+cute+blurrr look(did I say I LOVE those who look damn cute when they look blur? XD), the other one's kinda cute. Both of them are really cool naturally, unlike many of the others who tries so hard to act cool.

Then there is this Indian guy who has very beautiful eyes and very, very nicely shaped facial hair. His facial hair seem to know where to grow, and all their length seem to be the same! So fuckin turn me on. Haha.

Finally, this Malay. He, has features of a Malay, and yet he doesn't look like a pure Malay. His skin is quite dark, like the other Malays, but his facial features look a little like a Chinese. And yeah, he's kinda cute.

Fine, not kinda cute. Very cute. He's very, very cute. And it was why I fell for him.

But the problem is, My Russian language is so terrible I can at most tell the Russians my name, my age, where I live, which semester I'm in. And duh, my phone number. XD

As for the other two, it's not really easy to get to know them because they have their own group as friends. Like, we all know that most people only mix with people of their own race, so I can't blame them for always hanging around with people of their own race, and it'll look very awkward if some person of a different race walks to them and say "Hi, let's be friends".

So far, I've managed to make small talks with the Malaysians, but since they're from different groups(And again, most people only mix with their groupmates. It applies here too), it's not easy for me to find time to talk to them(since I usually make small talks in classes and when everyone goes back to the hostel in a group and when we're in lifts), and the holidays which are coming soon isn't helping.

How to get to know them better? How?

A New Life

Alright, shall not delay stuffs anymore, have to start blogging from today already.

3 months ago, I made this decision to come to Moscow to study Medicine. Everything was made in a hurry so even until today, I still cannot spontaneously tell a person that I did not regret making the choice to come this country.

It's known fact that one cannot expect much from this country as most of them don't speak English, their people aren't really civilised(as in them being rude to tourists, them spitting everywhere, reckless drivers, etc.), infrastructures need to be improved and most importantly, they need to provide internet access more easily. It's not easy to look for a place which has access to internet and even if a person finds one, the charges won't be cheap.

But still, I didn't face much problems in the past 3 months of residency in this country. Did manage to meet some people who speak English, people who are helpful, and luckily there is internet cafe in my hostel. The charges were expected to be high, so no fuss about it. Their public transportations such as buses and metros are really good. Time intervals between a bus and another(or one metro and another) is much shorter than buses and LRT/KTM/Star in Malaysia.

My roommates are much friendlier than expected, which is good because we could fool around with each other not having to worry that we'll hurt each other's feelings. Coursemates were good too. MARA and JPA students are way much better than expected. They really are good when it comes to studies, so you guys out there don't spread rumours saying the sponsored students(especially MARA students) are craps that cannot study and just because they're Muslims, our government will still sponsor them even of their low qualification. They're proven to be smart in their studies and I don't see any reason for them not to get sponsorships.

Stuffs here aren't cheap though. Almost everything's much expensive than back in Malaysia, but luckily there are some of my favourites which are sold cheap. A bar of Kit-Kat could cost up to RM4-5 in Malaysia but in Moscow, it costs only RM1. It's very cheap and ever since I discovered it, I made Kit-Kat and milk my breakfast everyday. May not be very filling and healthy, but it provides me with the energy I need to travel to the Academy every morning, braving the strong wind, snow, polluted air, heavy traffic and the remaining ATP to be converted to heat. =D

Now that I'm part of the Medical faculty, I understand why people come to Russia to study Medicine. Unlike other Universities which are 100% final exam based, my Academy's course grading system is 60% course work and 40% final exam based, which means there will be class tests for every subject every week for the whole course of a subject. This is to make sure students study more frequently so that they don't lose track in their studies, and also to make students' lives easier by having needing lesser time to study for final exams as they've been studied and graded before. All they need to do is to refresh their memories, unlike 100% final exam based Universities whose student will only study before finals. Besides, it's proven that only by studying consistently can knowledge be enforced into our brains, not for a few weeks, but for years.

But, not everything's alright. My brain is screwed recently, and I really want to blog it out but it's already late at night and I'm very tired. Will try to blog about it soon.

Random Entry

I really want to blog. I have a nice blogskin, many things to share, but the freaking template is not done yet! Screw this place which doesn't provide internet to hostel students. Will try my best to edit the template bit by bit, hopefully things can be done asap, then we can get into real business.

Maybe I should screw myself for deciding to come to this place. This place is crap.

I'm A Noobie

Fine, screw the whole issue of not being able to make my entry titles show on my blog. I'm just a crappy guy who doesn't know how to do template scripting.

This blog's gonna be revived soon, so do come back for updates!

*sigh*

Until I could make the entry title appear on the page, I'm not gonna blog. Never.

Well...

The Wound Which Never Recovers

Have been blogging actively these days. The last time I've been like this, blogging almost every single day was months ago. Ever since I left college, nothing seems to interest me, nothing seems to get my attention. Didn't know what to blog about, didn't know why I should blog.

The good old days, when I was in college, everyday was a blessing. Everyday, besides going for lectures and hanging out with friends, the best part was to look out for people. Certain people, to be specific. You got it right, my crushes. Talk about crushES, you guys might think that I'm crazy or something, but I'm not. Having more than 1 crush at a time is not a sin. In fact, having crush itself is not a sin. As if I prayed to get it or something?

Before I left college, almost every single day of mine was made perfect seeing any of them. The mere sight of them is enough to make me smile for the whole day. Have never felt like this before, having so many crushes at a time, and that a mere sight of them is enough to satisfy me. Always thought that guys are hot, sexy, handsome(and whatever you call it), but never thought that I'd fall for them, and so many at the same time too!

At first, I thought it was just a crush which will fade away soon, but I was wrong. After a month, I start to stalk them and get their timetables. Later, I start to make a group of friends help me stalk them(and surely, I did not tell them why I want them to do that for me). Soon, I got information about them, know what they use to wear, know where they usually hang out, and seeing them at the right time at the right place is nothing shocking anymore(but the choice of colour one of them chooses as a pants still shocks me, even until today).

Anyway, stalking them has become pat of my life in college. Everyday, I'll make sure I see them at least once a day without fail. And I try my best to make myself noticed by them. And I think I succeeded, hehehe.

Soon, as I discovered more information about them, things start to fall apart. 2 of them have girlfriends, 1 is an extreme homophobic, and the other seems to look like gay but too manly to be one. What am I saying? Well, as long as it means all of them are unavailable and are homophobic. And one of them is the 'legendary' person who drives the most expensive cars in the whole college. How am I, a person from a middle class, a bisexual going to befriend them? Never.

If you think that I'm just too stupid to stalk them and get almost all the information about them but quits at the last minute, not trying to make the move to befriend them, you're wrong. I tried sending them mails through a popular website which allows users to "Find, Connect, Stay In Touch", but I never get any reply. What more can I say?

After my course ended, I still go back to college occasionally for some stuffs, but whenever I see them, the situation will be very awkward. Both parties will try to evade one another and try not to look at each other in the eyes. Months of stalking and the attempt to befriend them has led to the situation I face today. But stupid me has never stopped loving them. Yes, love. Loving the people I never had a formal conversation. Loving the people who probably hate me for who I am. Loving the people who thought of me as nothing but some freaky homo. Or bi. Whatever.

Will be leaving this country to further my studies soon. Wanted to see them for the last time before I leave, but didn't want the wound to hurt deeper. Tried very hard to stop loving them, but never succeed. Instead, it made me love them more. If I don't go back to college to see them for the last time, I will not have the chance anymore because by the time I come back next year, their courses would've ended and I will not know where to look for them. I understand that I should let go and move on, but they're not just any crush. I love them, for real. One handsome kid, one cute boy, one average-but-managed-to-make-me-fall-for-him guy and a hottie(my point of view). They all have the qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend. How can I simply let them go?

God save me, I don't want to force myself to move on with life, it'll only hurt myself more!

Random : I am so not prepared to go overseas. Someone gimme a hug of love, please.

When Boredom Strikes

You'll do things that you will never do, just to please yourself(even if it's only for a moment), kill some time, or just for the fun of it.

Yes, I hereby announce that's I'm VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY(see, I waste time writing so many VERYs[here I go again] just to kill some time, even if it's only 5 seconds) BORED.

And guess what I did? Guess, guess, guess!

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Annoyed by the '.'s? Alright, I shall let you guys know what I've done. Wait, I'm still doing it NOW, so I take back my words. Let me rephrase my words : I'm currently DOING something which is totally out of my mind.

Yup, that's more like it. Ok, you see, I'm doing this thing which is so out of my control, and I wanna tell you guys, but I don't.

Haha, just kidding. NOW EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING SHOCKING!

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I'm creating a 5th blog. Yes, 5th, as in FIFTH blog. And I have no idea what to blog over there. And no, I ain't giving you guys the link. Hahahahahaha!

I so love playing with the '.' and '!' thingy. Look, I've wasted 13 minutes already! Thirteen minutes!

*slaps self back to reality*


"Um, what've I just done?"

Hunter Or Hunted?

As everyone knows by now, Steve Irwin(well known as 'The Crocodile Hunter'), was killed today by a stingray barb through the heart while filming a new documentary. He was 44.

Many people asked "But how can he be killed by a stingray when he'd handled more dangerous animals like crocodiles, poisonous spiders and snakes?". Even I found it hard to believe at first, until I saw the news all over Yahoo!. But still, it's hard to believe the fact that he was killed by a less dangerous stingray and not a python or crocodile.

It made me wonder, about the many ways a man could die, about the ways we would never thought of dying, about why are we devoting ourselves to our job knowing that there's a possibility that we could be killed by our jobs. Imagine a doctor doing an operation and was accidentally stabbed by the scalpel(Ok, this is highly impossible but still, there IS a possibility), imagine a chef's clothes got set up in fire while cooking, imagine a technician got electrocuted. As the elders say, "Do not fear death, fear the way people die". We all know we'll die someday, but we do not know how are we dying. Stabbed? Burned? Electrocuted? Or simply, got knocked down by a passing vehicle. Whatever the way, we should be prepared.

Why devoting ourselves to our jobs knowing that there are chances we could get killed while working? People say "He loves his job so much that he doesn't mind dying while working", but how true is that? One may love his job very much and says he doesn't mind dying while working, but when he comes face to face to death, he wouldn't think the same anymore.

So I say, don't devote to our jobs, work for a living, earn money and go on a vacation every year(if possible). No one wants to die working, and I'm sure about it.

I know not devoting to jobs doesn't apply to doctors, but heck, doctors need a life too! Ask any doctors, and I'm sure none of them wants to die in a hospital.

Lastly, may you rest in peace and find yourself a place in heaven, Mr Steve Irwin.