That's Not A Freaking Wedding Ring Is It?

Life is so screwed that I feel like dying.

Seriously.

I'm back to the old me, stalking other people's Friendster account. I'm such a loser.

Exams are killing me, my liking for some people is killing me, the thought of some person not liking me is killing me.

Basically everything's killing me.

Friends are saying that I'm taking things too fast. I should be friends with Sam first, then slowly develop from there because our friendship(?) do not have a very strong base and that without a strong base, the friendship won't last long.

I wish I could have control over my brain and actually make it stop thinking about everything about Sam. But I can't. I just can't.

I'm so depressed now I feel like jumping off a cliff and just die and that my corpse will be food for sharks.

Nitey.

P/S: His Friendster profile says that he's "married". I guess this explains the ring he's wearing. It might not be what it seems but currently, my perasanness is making me think so. My perasanness is so gonna kill me someday.

This Is So Uncool

I'm in deep shit. I think I actually LOVE Sam instead of LIKE him.

Love is a very strong word, I know, but this is what I feel about him now. I wish this isn't true but for the past few days, my cerebrum seem to have given up on me. I've been doing things I never thought of, and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Last Saturday, I went to watch Sam play futsal. At 9:30PM! The temperature outside was -10 degrees Celcius! I was damn tired because I went out early in the morning, probably about 8AM and returned home only about 8:30PM, and I went to watch him play balls!

It sucks when you're not in control of your brain. You're forced to do things you didn't thought of doing.

Really, he's been playing futsal every Saturday night for the past 2 months and I've NEVER GO and NEVER THOUGHT of going to see him play, but I went last Saturday! I really don't know what's gotten into me.

And the worse thing is that on the next day, he had futsal matches, AND I WENT TO WATCH HIM PLAY, AGAIN. This time's worse. I had no idea where he was playing. So I called some friends who happened to know where the matches were held, asked for directions and off I went!

I FREAKING WALKED MORE THAN A KILOMETER TO THE PLACE BECAUSE I MISSED THE BUS. AND IT WAS SNOWING!

All my freaking brain did to make me accept the fact that he's more than a crush. Not that I'm REALLY convinced by that.

Fine, I'm in denial. I like Sam a lot. I cuddle the pillow every night when I sleep thinking that the pillow is him. I peek at him every single opportunity I get. I got his phone number. I think of him almost the whole day every day. And it's very pathetic to have him be as my batchmate but couldn't get closer to him. He's technically surrounded by his 'boyfriends' wherever he goes, admired by all the Malay girls in my batch, famous because he plays good futsal.

Me? I'm just a nobody. I know he and his father's name but he doesn't even have the faintest idea of my name. It sucks to be a nobody.

Doctors Aren't GOD

I'm going to be a terrible doctor. In fact, I won't even graduate from med school.

These are statements, not opinions.

I failed Physiology examination for the fourth time, and my Professor says that we won't make it till the end of the course "if we don't put in effort in our studies".

This is the first time in my entire life to be humiliated in such way. I mean, I was never a bright student but I do know what's going on in class OK. Not 100% but definitely more than 70%. And my Physiology lecturer has succeeded in making us look like retards.

Seriously, who on earth is he to even judge us when he's not any better.

Enough of that Physiology crap already. I'll revise my stuffs again and the next time I sit for the exam, I'll slap everything on his face. See what he has to say then.

This week is the worst week ever since I returned from Malaysia. Screwed up ALL my exams, screwed up my sleep time, and worse of all, I screwed things up between me and Sam.

Like I've always said, I never talk much to him but there is something between us that none of us can tell. It's like we're friends but we don't communicate the usual way friends do.

Let's just skip the rest of the details which aren't related to this entry.

The thing is, I think I've screwed up the way we communicate. For the past few days, I pretend not to see him at all, be in in lecture halls, classrooms or hostel. It's because recently, I saw that he's quite intimate with this guy friend of his, so intimate that they would sit together during lectures at places where there won't be anyone else near them.

Fine, I'm JEALOUS, but that's because I care for him k!

Sniff.

I think he kinda sensed that I didn't tegur sapa with him, so that day he kinda like made a chance to walk past me and say 'Hi' to me la. I don't know what's gotten into my mind, after I said 'Hi' back to him, I turned around and continued talking to my friends.

GREAT.

I think he kinda got offended la. When we were going home, we were in the same metro, the situation was so awkward that both of us were trying so hard to pretend that we do not know of each other's presence in the same metro.

MAYBE IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. MAYBE HE'S NOT GAY AND HE KNOWS THAT A HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND HE FELT DISGUSTED, THAT'S WHY HE'S DOING THIS TO ME. OMG HE'S SO MEAN!!

My life is so screwed I feel like becoming a rock. Tough and unable to feel anything at all. Then I don't have to try so hard to love a person and don't have to care whether the person loves me back or not. Coolness.

Come Get Me

I think Sam likes me too, lor.

Few days back, I went to help my friends carry groceries. Sam was there too, obviously. When we were entering the lift, Sam offered to help but I turned down his offer because the groceries weren't very heavy and that I didn't want to make him work. See la, now super-normal-friends state also I so sayang him already, can't imagine what'll happen if we really get together someday.

So, when we were entering the lift, he was behind me and he held my hand, at the elbow region. It may be just "normal friend helping normal friend getting in to the lift" but I've never seen him doing it to someone else, lor. Besides, he didn't hold me using his fingers only, his whole hand was around my elbow and it lasted for about 3 seconds. It felt really good k.

Yesterday, when I went to his room to pass him something, I wanted to ask him to come see my DotA competition but there were too many people in his room, I didn't dare to even look at him. And I've been practising for some time on how to ask him to come watch the match without sounding as if I'm inviting him to come watch me play.

But somehow, not long after I left his room and went to play my match, he came and see! There were few matches going on and he didn't really seem to bother much about how everyone perform but he sat on a chair near me and watch my team play for several minutes before he left. I think he was waiting for me to notice his presence in that room but I was too busy to turn over and say 'Hi' to him.

It's rude, especially when I'm trying to be closer to him AS A FRIEND, but maybe what I did was right. My team lost in the match and I think he didn't has to be there to witness how pathetic I was.

I won the next match though.

I really hope that he likes me too la, then we can skip all the 'hard-to-get' crap and jump straight to the part where we could do things together, hold hands, cuddle each other and sleep every night. I'm tired of cuddling my bolster already. I want something warmer, has a heart beat and is responsive.

Obsession

I am officially not the old me anymore. Back then, I never participate an any clubs or societies.

Well, I did join clubs, just that I never attented their weekly meetings and any event which the club held. Now, I am more than an 'Ahli Biasa' in the club I joined. I hold a post in the club, went for several meetings and participated in past events. In fact, I'm now part of the committee which is in-charge of the latest event.

Is this good news? To be involving myself in things happening around me, to be part of something, to hang out with people instead of hiding in the room all day. I think it's a good start to pull myself back to the active form since I've been in the inactive form for at least 5 years.

Talk about good news, there is a good news which happened today. I HAVE SAM'S CONTACT NUMBER! I did not get it from someone else, I did not make people ask for his number OK. But I did not ask him for his number myself either. Whatever. His contact number is displayed on the notice board, and I happen to see it, so... But not that I'm that desperate to contact him OK.

Actually I am, but I have dignity too! I have his number written down on a paper but I don't plan to save it in my phonebook. What if he's not gay? I might freak him out if I contact him for no reason. Now that MY contact number is also on the notice board, I don't have to worry him not knowing my number, unless he didn't read the notice or he's not interested in me, or he doesn't know my name at all. I hope he knows my name, if not I can die. I spent so much time stalking him and if he's interested in me but didn't bother to even find out my name, he's done for.

Wish I could message and let him know how much I like him. But things will be better if we introduce ourselves to each other and exchange numbers and from there we see how we work things out.

The time I spent thinking of things like this, it'd be of much better use if I used it on my studies. I'd become the top student in my group already. Hah.

Shopping

First of all, I would like to say that I'm extremely ashamed of myself. The previous entries make no sense at all and I bet I wasted lots of people's time reading my entries.

Not that I really cared though.

Hah, I wasted another minute of your time.

Before you slap me, please allow me to say something. After that, you can do whatever you want to me. Virtually.

Guess what, I'm a HOMOPHOBIC! Seriously! I don't know what's gotten into me but recently, no offence, the thought of sissy gay couples totally freak the hell out of me la! I don't know why but I think it's weird for a bi boy to be freaked out by thoughts of sissy gays.

But it doesn't mean that I discriminate them OK. But this is not what I'm concerned about. I'm more concerned about me being freaked out by this matter. I mean, I'm bi but I didn't expcet myself to be freaked out when it comes to things like this.

Besides, honestly, I've never imagine myself involving in gay sex with anyone. I know I always talk big about sex and stuff but really, what I see in a relationship is anything but sex, especially gay sex.

I'm starting to wonder whether I'm drifting to the straight guy path or it's just because I haven't got a haircut. Bad hair days are so making me look like an ordinary straight geek. On bad hair days, not only will I become like everyone else wearing The-last-last-last season's top and an unmatching jeans, I don't even bother to look at myself in the mirror much before I leave for classes. Talk about becoming a metrosexual, I'm such a shame to everybody.

And to make myself even worse, I have no freaking idea where to buy nice bags here in Moscow la! The metrosexual guys here all have freaking beautiful bags but I never see such nice bags anywhere in malls! Even their clothes look as though they didn't come from any shop in Russia! It's saddening!

But what to do, living in a foreign country isn't easy. It's even harder when the people in that country don't speak any of the languages you know. It's hell for those who love shopping for nice clothes and accessories but not know how to reach them.

But the factor which really ownZ everyone is the price. EVERYTHING is much more expensive than they are back home. Aih.

The Time of the Month

I hope this is not the testosterone talking but..

TURKEY GUYS ARE HOT! SO FREAKING HOT!

Last semester, before I returned home for summer holidays, I met with people from Turkey. The girls are OK-ish, but the guy was above average lor! Too bad they didn't stay for long. They only came to study Russian language for several months.

This semester, I saw several new faces. This time, there are two guys which I think are quite good looking. One of them has the cute look like blogger Stefano while the other has the hunky bad boy look. I don't know about the cute guy but I think the hunk is not that straight. It's only an assumption though, since my gaydar never worked anyway.

Why do I think that he's not that straight? Well, that's because I saw him checking me out when we were waiting for the lift to arrive yesterday. He was with his friends at first, but when the lift arrived, he couldn't enter because the lift was full, so he waited for the next lift. When he was waiting for the next lift, I saw him checking me out. But when I looked at him, he pretended that he was staring into space.

Well, one might say that it's OK for one to check another person out but a guy don't usually check another guy out that long, so it's not OK.

Is this a chance? Or is it another unfulfilled hope? I don't know.


***


It's the time of the year! It's snowing! Yay!

Fuck winter. It's all about the cold weather and the munow(mud+snow), so freaking unpleasant. And the worse thing is I bought a pair of jeans the day before it started snowing. Jeans don't keep people warm! If only I know it's gonna snow so soon I'd have used the money to buy a winter coat!

Darn it.


***


My portable hard disc freaking spoiled. Reason? I don't know. And the reason I don't know is not because I know nothing about computers. There's not rational explanation for this, it just freaking spoiled after I restarted my laptop. Even asked the pros to help but I just couldn't access my hard disc.

All the important documents are in my portable hard disc. Great.


***


I'm starting to lose hope in the gay scene. I'm not as strong as I thought I am. It's unbearable, to be hiding in the closet, afraid of being discovered. But at the same time I desire for love, the forbidden male-and-male love.

Coming out of the closet is not an option, when family and friends have homophobia. It's not easy to make myself fit into the society. Instead of believing that I'm a bi boy who's obsessed with labels, I'm making myself believe that I'm nothing more than a metrosexual straight guy. Well, at least by making others believe that I'm metrosexual, I can be a shopaholic and not worry being told that I'm weird.

All the things I do to hide my identity but not have to fake what I like. It's so taxing. All these hard work will be paid off in the future, I hope.

For now, I'll just wait and see if there's any empty space left for me in this gay scene.

Hypertension.. soon

Selamat Hari Raya to the Muslims! Selamat Hari Raya, Sam!

As if he cares so much whether I wish him or not.

Bah.

But I think he cares la cos' today he passed by my classroom and I think he paused and looked at me for like, say, 0.000000001 second?

I know it's so insignificant but it means something to me.

FINE, IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. HAPPY?

Period.

Loads of exams these few weeks! Managed to pass 1(one) subject out of 4 subjects which I sat for. Blardy can jump off the cliff and die la!

What to do, I stupid ma. I'm so stupid that I can still watch Heroes, Prison Break and Bleach the night before my exam. I think my adrenal glands are blocked or what. I don't feel tensed at all. In fact, I'm so relaxed that my heart almost needed a boost of adrenaline.

"Tell me about the parts of the brain. How many tracts are there in total? How many sensory tracts, how many motor tracts? Tell me about Tractus Spinothalamicus. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Um..."


****


One of my classmates is becoming more and more riddiculus.

"Anatomy is nothing la, study a bit then score d!"
"Fuck A la, he thought he very smart la now! Wait la, I'll make him bow before me!"
"Fuck B la, he thought I very scared of him la now?! Ask him wait la!"
"Fuck C la, He so stupid somemore dare comment on my results!"

Seriously, fuck you la. Why blardy abuse the trust our teachers have in you? Why blardy think so highly of yourself? You wait la, someday someone will slap you back with even better results.
The person wouldn't be me of course. Why make myself sit and study so much when I can spend more time reading GQ and go shopping?

I'm smart.

When Non-Functional Gaydar Meets Fashion Disaster

This is a long post, so don't read unless you really have free time to kill.

Serious, no joke.

So, here goes! First of all, I would like to apologise for not making it clear who 'Leo', 'Sam' and 'Sean' are. Actually, Leo is a friend I knew since Primary 2 and I kinda have a crush on him, on and off. It wasn't until recently that I got the guts to ask him out on a date. The date went pretty well, and I bet it wouldn't be the last.

As for Sam and Sean, they're my current coursemates. Sam is Malay and Sean is Indian. I used to have quite a big crush on Sean but now, I'm not really a big fan of him, mostly because of him acting TOO cool on me. He barely acknowledges my existence OK.

Sam is different. We never really talked, never exchange numbers, never had proper self-introduction, but somehow he wasn't as cold as Sean is, though occasionally he can be an ass like Sean. I never really know what he thinks of me because: 1)I'm Chinese and he's Malay, 2)Malays are the least likely persons who'll ever come out of the closet, 3)Religion, 4)Religion.

Plus my Gaydar sucks. It never picks up any signal, at all.

I don't know whether it's just me or what but really, I don't think a Chinese GUY and a Malay GUY can ever work anything out in a relationship, especially in Malaysia. He's a government sponsored student, he has to work for the government for many years after he graduates(unless he pays back his loan, which I doubt he'll do so). Besides, Malaysia is his home, I bet he won't flee to other countries for the sake of his partner.

But then again maybe it's just me who's been thinking too much. But I know it's not true la. I think he has a thing for me too. He's been sending obvious signals to me this week. He walked all the way to stand behind me to listen to our lecturer's explanation on something when it's actually much nearer, easier and comfortable for him to just stand beside the teacher and listen. But I'm happy that he chose to stand behind me, trying to look attentive when actually he's trying to get closer to me. Haha, perasan-nyer aku. We took the same bus ride home and I caught him looking at me quite a number of times and whenever he knew that I'd caught him, he'd quickly turn around and look at something else. I was looking at him the whole time, and only if he didn't turn away so quickly, I could've sent him a smile or a wink. Heh. When we reached our hostel, he purposely walked beside me almost the whole time. But sadly I was too nervous to talk, I didn't unplug my iPod's earphones. We walked side-by-side without talking. It felt good, but then again I've missed a chance to actually talk to him. And it all ended when the lift he boarded was full and I couldn't enter.

We live in different floors.


***


What would you wear to a dicso? A bright purple folded-up-to-elbow shirt, a pair of dirty green jeans and a brown hat? Or a light blue mini jeans skirt, black short sleeve shirt with a brown-white striped tie borrowed from your father?

If it's so, I'd reckon' you to stay home and not embarass yourselves in public. Seriously, do party GIRLS dress like this?

Oh, they're not KL-Lites. I forgot, my bad.

BUT I EXPECTED SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! BOTH OF YOU ARE NO TALLER THAN 160cm, ONE LOOKS LIKE A PUMPKIN AND THE OTHER RESEMBLES A STICK. To actually match brown hat with bright purple shirt and dirty green jeans, mini jeans skirt with black shirt and brown-white striped tie, I can tell that you girls don't have mirrors in your rooms!

Really, it's the 21st century, NOBODY wears their father's tie to a party, NOBODY wears a brown hat to a party. NOBODY dress like this to party. NOBODY. Even if the theme is cross-dressing, both of you have failed, like, totally. This is what happens when girls try to dress pretty and macho at the same time. The result is obvious. It can totally be ranked number one in 'Fashion Disaster of All Time'.

I was lucky to not die on the spot after looking at them. It really takes some guts to dress like this and walk on the streets. Girls, I salute you for being so brave, but next time, do consult me before you dress up for a party, OK? Who knows, this may be the cure of you being a singleton for so many years. It's time to get laid, ladies!

For One More Day

Hi, I'm back online!

Whatever.

I need to blog. My head's gonna blow up if I don't blog soon.

Things are so complicated. Does it always has to be the bi boys who gets into trouble? I'm sick of all this already.

Anyway, to make things simple from now on, the guy whom I 'dated' back in Malaysia is officially known as 'Leo', the Malay guy as 'Sam' and the Indian guy as 'Sean'.

So, things were good between me and Leo. But last week, he stopped messaging me after I teased him. Never knew the reason, but hopefully it's not because I said that he's as fat as a pig. Not that he's fat, mind you, but I countered him cos' he said I sleep like a pig. Always wanted to message him but I don't wanna disturb him since he's busy lately. Sigh.

Sam had fever few days back. Should've gone to visit him but I was never his friend you see, it'd be weird if I were to appear knocking at his room door. He's feeling better now and is able to tegur sapa with me, but I feel bad not asking how he'd been doing.

Sigh.

As for Sean, he's as cold as always. Always talk to anyone but me. Is it because I'm always putting on that serious look? Or is it because he doesn't fucking care about my existence? A smile or a 'Hi' wouldn't kill you, boy. Don't say I've never tried being friendly. I've tried smiling at you when me meet, said loads of 'Hi's, but you never smiled back, never 'Hi'-ed back. Never.

This fucking sucks. And to make things worse, my ex gave me a book by Mitch Albom titled 'For One More Day'. Highlighted some stuff in the book for me because I "didn't get her messages when she gave me 'Tuesdays With Morrie'".

"You were busy.".
"Even if girls find you handsome, it's not a license to be mean. Be nice.".
"You can find something truly important in a minute.".
"You should never let your past disappear.".
"You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart.".

I wasn't busy. I was quick to begin a relationship with you, not knowing that I'm not prepared. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for commitments. I escaped. And I never came back.

People don't know what's important to them until they've lose it. I wasn't an exception. I gave up on our relationship. I called it quits, the reason being "me pursuing studies overseas" and "long distance relationships don't work". It was an excuse, and a very bad one. After we broke up, I realised how important you are to me, but I could never race you back, for you've entrusted your heart to someone else.

I've tried forgetting about the past but I can't. I kept the memories in a box and hid it somewhere in the bottom of my mind, but no matter how heavy it weighs, it never fails to resurface. It hurts, even now.

You know what type of person I am since the day we got together. I never let people come close to me, I never grant anyone access to my heart. It's part of who I am, either you accept this package or you ask for a refund.

It's sad that the way we broke up was a mess and that both of us suffered from the impact for some time, but if I'm given a chance, I'll surely set things right.

"Things can be fixed", no?

The Date

OK, so we went on a date on Sunday. Well, plans are after all, plans. They work as guidelines on what one(in this case, we)'s gonna do.

The date turned out bad. Not only did we not have lunch or dinner together, I didn't manage to snap pics of us, we ALMOST didn't get to watch a movie, we ALMOST run out of topics to talk about. ALMOST.

The date didn't go well as planned but it wasn't actually bad(though it's true that we didn't have neither lunch nor dinner together and that I didn't get to snap pics of us). We almost didn't get to watch a movie because _i_ was picky. Or maybe it was him?

Me: "Dowan 'Ratatouille', I dowan see rat."

Him: "Hmm...'Disturbia' not nice, dowan. 'Blood Brothers'? Apa tu? 'Secret'? Never heard of it."

Me: "Um, 'Evan Almighty' leh?"

Him: "What is it about de?"

Me: "Something like 'Bruce Almighty' lor."

Him: "Hmm...'Transformers'?"

Me: "YOU HAVEN'T WATCH 'TRANSFORMERS' MEH? WHY WATCH AGAIN?!"

Him: "Um...."
Me: "2 tickets for 'Evan Almighty', please."

Him: "...."

So, I paid for the tickets and he bought us popcorns and drinks! But then there's something I'm unhappy with Cineplex. What's the point of 'Lovers Combo' if it consists of only a regular popcorn and coke? I alone can finish them ok. And thanks to you, we had to settle with 'Family Combo'. 2 regular cokes and 1 large popcorn. Ha, ha.

In the theatre, I felt cold, so I grabbed his arm to get some heat and I think it did the trick! After the movie, his attitude changed totally! He became as caring and gentle as a mother, making sure I didn't have any leftover popcorns on my shirt and stuff.

And he got me this plane! We were walking on the streets and we saw many people flying such planes, so I told him I wanted one too cos' it looks very cool, as in if one knows the correct way of handling the plane, the plane'll actually fly back to the owner. Some sorta like a boomerang. Not only did he paid for the plane, he even let me choose which plane I want k!

After we got bored of playing with the plane(cos we couldn't make the plane return to us), he brought me to Baskin Robbin's and bought me ice-cream!

I'm in a hurry so yeah, this is basically how our date was. Wasn't all that bad, huh?



P/S: I'll be going overseas to continue my studies later today so until I get an internet connection, I won't be posting.

The Beginning...?

I can't get myself to sleep.

Remember this? Well, I'm going on a pseudo date with him later. Yes, just the both of us. Of all the years we have known one another, I *think* this is the FIRST time we have actually gone somewhere without anyone else(unless seminars are taken into account).

I am so nervous.

Where to eat? He doesn't like spending money so goodbye Tony Roma's, Italiannies and TGI Friday's. But I don't want to grab burgers at McD or KFC! If only I spent less on labels, I can easily buy him an expensive dinner at Mandarin Oriental, have a drink at Sri Hartamas and a black code from Giorgio Armani as a gift on our pseudo date. If only.

What movie to watch? This is a pseudo date, fight scenes are a big no no. No to spirits-related movies too as today is the 14th of the 7th month of the lunar calendar, the day which hungry ghosts come to earth in search for food. He as a buddhist won't agree with watching ghostly movies. Doraemon then?

How to make him take pics? Believe it or not, for all these years, we have NEVER taken a single photo together. Seriously, never! It's gonna be super awkward to suddenly tell him that i want him to pose so that I can snap a sexy picture of him. Besides, what's my reason? "Because I love you so much that I can't live a single day without looking at you, even if it's only a picture of you" "Beacuse I wanna snap pics of us every now and then so that in the future when we look back at these pictures, we can have a good laugh at how young we once were and to remember how long have we known each other"?

Friends have been telling me to treat this as any other normal outing with friends so that things will be less un-norm. Easy for one to say. We cannot control how our brains think, can we? If I can, I'd rather make myself fall for girls, get married and have children like any other straight guy! Life would've been much better then.

The last thing I need to hear now are love songs, which ironically, are playing on my iTunes now. Sigh.

Btw, I've just watched Cut Sleeve Boys and boy is Steven Lim hot and sexy! I don't usually go for Asians when I watch movies but seriously, whichever gay or bi male who didn't have a slightest bit of crush on him is either a retard or is simply blind. Just the kind of build I wish I have: pecs, biceps and a beautiful V-shaped curve. Six pack? Who needs them if whatever he's got is enough to make him a sex god? That unshaven look and that tattoo gave him quite some points too!

"I want you to fuck me, please, Sir."

Cupcake

Gaining weight is something I've been wanting all these years but I was never disciplined enough to take it seriously. I'm in nature a person whose metabolism rate is of the higher side, I just won't put on weight no matter how much I eat.

Since young, many people had thought that I was malnutritioned. Relatives, friends, neighbours. They all thought that I either don't eat or was malnutritioned, but the former seemed more appropriate as my brother is of bigger size - fat, to put it bluntly -, thus ruling out the possibility of me being malnutritioned. Little do they know that I'm the bigger monster when it comes to eating. But then again, who would've thought that my body's metabolism is working overtime whereas my brothers, off to the nearest pub for its Party Hour even before the sun sets!

I may be eating like a glutton, but not only do I not gain weight, I lose. Even Runway supermodels die to exchange for my weight. Serious. But poor bro' isn't so lucky. No matter how little he eats, somehow, weights will just load up in him.

It was until last year when I started my studies overseas. I was away from home, plus I'm a lazy bum, chocolates became my best friends. Not only do they keep my stomach quiet for longer hours, it's cheap too. And since it's cheap, I eat them a lot. Besides, it provides lots of calories for my overtime 'worker' to burn, which is good. I don't want them to start burning off other organic substances when they're running low in calories.

A year had passed. Finally, I've gained weight! Standing at approx. 5'11", I was always underweight, but it's a good thing now that I've gained some weight and become LESS underweight. 8KGs in a year's time, not too bad huh? Weighing 63 now, I'm sure I'll gain more weight, thanks to cheap Kit-Kat's and Snickers. Much thanks to protein shakes and gym classes and swimming too!

It's the 5th week of me working out in the gym. I'm nowhere near 'broad and comfy shouders', 'ripped pecs', 'six-packs' and 'V-shaped curve', but my muscles do feel firmer, 'baby pecs' are growing, my once 'slightly visible six-packs' are showing themselves to me again. 1.5 weeks more!

Need.Broader.Shoulder.And.Larger.Arms.To.Fit.Into.My.Gay.Sexy.Sleeveless.Tee.

A body to die for...

Mystery Unfolds

My deepest apologies for breaking my promise! I've totally forgotten about it! I'll make up with it in this entry!

(ok, that's too much of !'s in a paragraph)

On Friday morning, I went to Cineleisure Damansara to get myself some brand new accessories(no, it's not THE ACCESORY I mentioned in the last last entry)! I bought new rings! After living for 2 years with only ONE ring, I've decided to add new rings to begin my own collection! Guess what, I'm now a proud owner of THREE beautiful rings! It's still little, but I'm just getting started with my bling blings! I'm currently looking for necklaces, wristbands and earrings. Whoever found nice above said accessories can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com.


As you guys know, there's this new car from Proton right? Apparently there's this box outside Cineleisure where the car is kept within and there are tiny holes for people to peek into to have a look at the new Proton member. Proton is very smart, no matter which hole I peek into, I just couldn't see the name of the new car, though I knew that it is a new model of Proton Gen.2.

'Take a peek at our pride and joy'. It sounds SO wrong.

Next stop was Suria KLCC! Had been dying to visit Suria KLCC because it's been YEARS since I last step foot in it. I almost had a heart failure when I was in the mall. Designer labels are everywhere in the mall! Boutiques such as Burberry, Giorgio Armani, Louis Vuitton, Banana Republic and the latest outlet of Jimmy Choo are all gathered there! I swear I almost died and went to heaven. But poor me couldn't afford these labels, so I had to settle down with Topman. Well, just joking. It's true that I can't afford designer labels NOW but Topman isn't that bad too. And I'm happy to grab a sleeveless tee from Topman! It is a big challenge since I've NEVER worn a sleeveless tee, my arms are as 'huge' as tree branches plus it has pink stripes. And the fact that even when I'm in a size S tee, the tee still HUGE didn't help. If I were to try on an XS, I'm gonna look 200% PLU. Thank lord there weren't any stock left for size XS. Still, I look 165% PLU.

But then again, I'm currently going to the gym everyday and I drink protein shakes after every workout, and that after 3 weeks of workout, my pecs are starting to show(a lil') and my arms look firmer than before. And since I'll have 2.5 weeks more of time to workout before I leave the country, I assume that by then I wouldn't look too tiny and weak to fit in that tee. Plus I'm gonna get a sun tan, so I assume a sleeveless tee would look kinda nice on me(what's the point of getting a sun tan if I'm gonna cover myself up with lots of cloth?). After much consideration, I finally decided to get the tee. =)

I'm still kinda freaked out to wear this tee out to public. It's my first, after all.

And now it's time to show everyone my first designer labelled accessory! An optical glasses from Emporio Armani!

Actually it's no big deal but since it's my first designer labelled accesory, I'm gonna make a big blast about it. But I think I've made the wrong investment. I should've used the money to buy tops from Emporio Armani instead of an optical glasses. After all, it's the logo printed on the top that's gonna be more visible than tiny logos on the glasses. But then I still love my glasses and I'll be sticking to it for some time. (And sorry for the blurry image of the glasses, my cam was on the wrong mode, it focused on the backfround instead of the glasses)

Random: I've always wanted to snap a pic of this thing and post it online but whenever I went to that place, I just didn't have my cam with me. Finally, on Friday, I went to Cineleisure with my cam prepared and I took a pic of this thing!

These cow sculptures outside Marche looks so beautiful! Everytime I walk past Marche, I'll take a good look at them before I walk away. Every now and then I have urges to hug the cows but I'm glad that I've yet let the devil in me to take control of myself. God knows what kind of looks people will cast on me if I were to hug and kiss the cows in public.

The cows look as if they're part of Swatch. Red background with white-coloured crosses, so Swatchy, so Switzerland-ish.

That's all, good night! And yeah, Happy Birthday dear sis! May you get married soon so that I could use your room as my private wardrobe! =P

*sniff*

The smell of fresh template is so intoxicating. Literally.

Threw the old blog template out the window for a new one! I do know that this template is simple & dull(cos' it's from Blogger) but it took me some time to customize it to make it look 'not so original from Blogger itself', as in I changed the fonts, colours and all.

At least I took the effort to segregate it from 'Originals by Blogger'. This is just a trial template so don't complain. I'm currently trying to learn Photoshop, hopefully when my Photoshop skills gets better in the future, I can produce a decent template with a pretty header.

That is if my Photoshop skills are going to get better.

I Will Survive

Living in a foreign country for a year has taught me to NEVER not do researches on any country anyone plans to visit. In my case, Russian Federation.

Life was as terrible as living in hell as most Russians don't speak English but they expect foreigners to speak fluent Russian. A worldwide spoken language is so inferior in Russia. Ironic.

It wasn't long since Soviet Union crumbled. Russia is far behind many countries in terms of development, though it's rapidly catching up in the recent years.

As for the gay and bi boys, it's sad news to be living in Russia because it was once a communist country, plus it's an underdeveloped and poor country that no businessmen want to do business in Russia. No businesses from foreign countries mean no foreign fashion labels. No fashion labels mean gay and bi boys can only dress like old, conservative, lack-of-fashion-sense straight Russian men.

Or so I thought.

A recent boost in my fashion radar results in an increase in awareness of the power of the World Wide Web. "Designer labels must have their own websites in the internet!"

And so I searched for designer labels online, browsed their webpages and to my delight, most labels are sincere enough to guide lost puppies like me to their boutiques around the world!

And guess what, most designer labels have outlets in Russia(though some aren't smart enough to open boutiques in Moscow)! From Louis Vuitton to Dolce & Gabbana to Giorgio Armani to Hermes to Yves Saint Laurent to Gucci! And the list goes on!

A year ago, I was a fool who thinks that Russia is hell for people who can't live without branded clothes and accessories. Now, I'm a boy who knows ways to most designer labels' boutiques! Gay and bi boys, welcome to Russia!

OK, that last line was lame.

Anyway, I'll be getting my FIRST accesory from one of the designer labels(if Esprit, Topman and other brands in similar category are not taken into account) this Friday! Couldn't look for the picture of it in the web, so you guys have to wait till Friday night for me to reveal my precious accessory!

Some new pics of my sex god Marco by Adam Bouska!

xoxo

Proof

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I think this explains WHY am I a bisexual.

Goodbye UPS!

I must admit that I'm addicted to photo-blogging but damn, it wasn't part of my plan to turn this blog into a photo blog!

But then again it won't hurt to post pictures of hot men sometimes, eh? :p

Today, I bring you one of the latest hot guy around town, Marco Dapper! Well, he might not be the LATEST but still he's kinda new when it comes to acting(and modelling).

I bet most of you already know where this entry's going, so I'm not gonna waste any time. Yes, Our(preferably mine only) Marco appeared NUDE in his VERY FIRST movie, Eating Out 2! Seriously, to be able to appear nude in his first movie, to be able to kiss(I mean KISS) me guys , I totally salute him! I bet no heterosexuals have ever done that! How hot!

And I totally envy Tiffani for being able to be in a position so close to lil Marco! I wish I was Tiffani! I would've ignored the whole filming crew and gave him heads right on the spot! And the part where Marc sucked Troy off, if I were Marc, I would've given him REAL heads and Troy didn't have to fake his moans! And he would've came sooner! And I don't mind if I have to redo the scene where Marc licked Troy's nipples! Those juicy 'titties'! Lucky Marc got the juices all for himself!

Talk about dirty and filthy, Gwen's an amateur.

Since Marco's so hot and irresistable, no wonder Adam Bouska wanna take pics of him! How I wish to be a professional and famous photographer! I'll be able to meet famous(AND hot) celebrities and I'll be able to take pics of them!

"Strip, Marco. Yes, strip. No no, undies down too. Ahhhh....that's it!"

"But but..."

"Don't worry honey, these 'special' pics are for me only. Now if you don't mind can you wake your lil bro? I need his full attention too. Come lemme give him a kiss."

If only he's gay. But then again not that he'll fall for me, a horny-photographer-wannabe. I look like a tiny tree branch whose body is flatter than sheet of paper, whose face will cause a rise in the rate of suicide if anyone were to change theirs with mine. The only way for Marco to love me is if he's blind. But there's no way I would want him to be blind! If he is blind, not only do I have to clean him up, he can't go to the gym to workout anymore and he'll gain weight and be as large as a whale!

I don't want a whale to be my boyfriend. :(

Now let's have a ride on my i-want-him-to-be-my-boyfriend's washboard 8 packs! 8 packs are uncommon k!

Man, look at him! He's a sex god! I wonder why does it take this long for him to be noticed! With his good looks and that holy-shit-gimme-that body, he should've been noticed earlier and not left to work for UPS for that insignificant amount of cash!

"Now if would excuse me, I've got lots of shootings to do. I'm famous now, ya know, and I have to earn lots of money so that my boyfriend Alex can be a househusband someday and he can spend all the money he wants on clothes! If Victoria Beckam's good at women's fashion, my husband's gotta be the best in men's fashion!"

I wish la. Not even the darkest dark magic will work on this i'm-a-100%-man heterosexual.

Photo Entry 1.0

For the first time(and hope it won't be the last), let the pictures tell you what are the things I find interesting in men.

Tell me, who can resist Mr Hidetoshi aka Mr Hot? His sexy look, his bod, his wealth(if you are considering a sugar daddy), what more can you ask from a man like him? Sex? I bet he's good in bed too. Haha.

Andre Moreas may not be a sex god but I have a thing for cowboys. His rock hard abs and that sexy unshaven look will be more than enough to blow my head!

Mr Evans, anyone? That body hair and broad chest, it's so eff-ing hot! No doubt he's our famous hero Human Torch!

Mr Handsome here sure knows what to show: his charming smile! One may not be able to see his physique here but we can definitely figure it out ourselves based on the outlines of his shoulder! God I love the colour of his eyes!

One can't tell but I surely know he's a surfer dude! His smile is just as sttractive as Mr Handsome and we too can imagine the beautiful lines running down his tight body!

I don't know why but I have a thing for the guy on the left. His smiles make him look so sweet, his dimples make him look cute, he has a GREAT body, and he has chest hair too! He is so sexy! Grr...

That's all for now, stay tuned for more pretty pics in the future!

xoxo

You Have Crossed The Line, Partner

For the years that I've known you, I've never disagree with anything that you say.

For the years that I've known you, I've done you lots of favors.

For the years that I've known you, I've taken in all your shit and not say a thing about it.

For the years that I've known you, I've never whine about you treating me as nothing more than a pile of garbage.

For the years that I've known you, I thought that there are ways to make you change.

But it all ends now.

What do you have to offer to a friend who's been there for you when you needed company? What do you have to offer to a friend who puts you ahead of himself? What do you have to offer?

Nothing. There's nothing you can offer. Not only to your friend, but to anyone at all.

Tell me, is there really nothing you can offer to a friend who merely wants your company for dinner?