Obsession, Again

I'm currently obsessed with Sam's jacket. It looks like the one which I've been looking for a very long time. Even the colour is the one I've been wanting!

We have something in common, at last. I'm still thinking whether I should ask him where he got that jacket from the next time I see him. It's common among the girls but it just doesn't seem right for a guy to compliment another guy's jacket and ask where he got it from.

Alex: Hey honey, nice jacket you have!
Sam: Really? Thanks!
Alex: The material's really great. Where did you get it from?
Sam: Oh, it's just a Dolce. Do you want to feel it?
Alex: Of course! May I feel you too?
Sam: Pardon?

Sam may not be fashionable but he does know how to choose clothes, especially jackets, that look nice on him. He has that potential in him to be a high-fashion metrosexual, but he chose to be an ordinary guy. Many people, incuding me, struggle to be metrosexuals but kept failing. I never got a hair-cut that suits me, I never get eyewear that suits me, I never get nice accessories, I never get nice footwear, and my wardrobe is a disaster. I've been attempting to get wardrobe make-overs but it always end up as a mess. I'm currently rebuilding it again, hopefully it'll be a success.

Anyway, this post isn't dedicated to Sam or to myself, but to Handsome. Yes, Handsome is a new guy which I'll be introducing to this blog but he wouldn't be making much apperance in this blog because today's the first time I meet him and I suppose I won't be seeing him much as he's a student from another med school.

Handsome is an Indian, about 5'7", and he is the most handsome, most good-looking Indian guy I've ever seen. Not only me, but my friends think the same too. According to a friend, Handsome was his college mate and he's one of the most handsome guy in college back then. So, it seems that my taste is quite good, eh?

I never knew Handsome existed until tonight, when I attented some sort of Indian New Year event. He was an usherer in the event, so he had to wear a suit. He looks god-damn good in the suit, as though he's born to look nice in suits. I envy him very much as he's so good looking and looked so good in a suit(not everyone looks good in suits).

I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing my way but no harm having a little crush on him, eh? Crushes are good for the soul, it's proven. Damn, I can't get him out of my mind. All that features are what ALL men and women like. Whoever thinks he's not handsome is simply blind. Oh god, I have to see him again. The next time I see him, I'm gonna make sure he notices me. No harm sending some signals too. Who cares whether he swings my way or the other? If he swings my way, good for me. If he doesn't, no worries. He's from another med school, we won't see each other often, even if words get out that he's freaked out by a weird guy from another med school, he wouldn't have the chance to show who the weird guy is and eventually, he'll forget about it and move on with life. What a great plan isn't it?

I know I'm crapping a lot. My brain had shut down. I might not recall how he looked like when I wake up tomorrow morning but right now, all I know is that I need to blog about him, and how I wish he's on my bed now so that I can taste him tonight. Flings are good for the soul too. It's proven.

Love Is Overrated

As the title suggests, in the 21st century, love is nothing more than a game. Trust? Virginity? No one cares about that anymore. Boy tells girl to trust him but he's having an affair behind girls back or even worse, boy says that girl didn't trust him enough, so boy wants to break-up because he can no longer be together with a person who cannot trust him, but the ultimate truth is that boy is cheating on girl A with girl B and this is just his plan to break up with girl A so that he could be together with girl B and not look like the bad guy.

Virginity? That's not important anymore. What's important now is how many people have a person slept with compared with his peers. Boy A has slept with 5 different girls in 2 months, boy B has slept with more than 10 girls in the past 3 months, so now boy A is trying to get more girls to sleep with him so that he wouldn't lose to boy B. Girls? Girls A and B are batchmates. Both of them slept with guys from their batch and they openly compare the boys' sizes in public. Boy 1 is small but he's good at it. Boy 2 is big and he's good at it too. Boy 3 is small and bad in it too. So, girls' conclusion is that the next time they want to get some fun, boy 2 is the one.

There are worst things that I've heard, but it would be unpleasant to post it in the net. The bottomline is, love has lost its value compared to before. You can still treasure it, but if it's gone, don't be too upset. Invest in something more real instead, like golds and diamonds!

P/S: I've heard that many people like(d) me, but I can only assume that they're desperate. Why? I know where I stand in the handsome/hot/cute scale, and my rank is definitely not high enough to get such popularity. Either the standards are altered due to the lacking of handsome/hot/cute guys around or the people here are just too desperate. Honestly, both reasons are true, but I think the latter has bigger influence on this.

Torment

I can't not love Sam.

He's cute, he's charming, he smiles a lot, he's friendly. He's the guy anyone would want to have as a boyfriend.

I thought I could've just forget about him and move on with life. I was dead wrong. I've cut off all possible contacts with him by not attending lectures, by leaving for classes later tham him, by not going to places where he usually goes. But it lasted for only 2 months.

Several weeks ago, I was involved in some sort of activity in which he's also involved in. I tried my best to not have any contact with him by keeping myself busy with my own chores but I think because of this, he noticed that I was one of the very few people who did their jobs well and not talking too much. In fact, I was the only person who not only completed my own task but also helped to complete others' tasks. He came over and we talked a little, and he even told me to get enough rest after the event.

Sweet, yeah? This was where things went haywire.

Since then, my subconscious mind keeps telling me that the fact that he asked me whether I was tired after doing so many things and that he told me to get enough rest means that he cares for me. Plus, whenever he talks to me he calls for my name first. Like, finally, he knows and actually calls me by my name!

It was also the fact that we actually had a conversation that I can no longer pertend as though he's a mere acquaintance. Whenever I see him now, I have to smile and say 'Hi' to him because he's more than an acquaintance. Plus, he's the friendly guy who goes around saying 'Hi' to everyone, so it would look as though I'm anti-social if I choose to ignore him. And thanks to his million-dollar-winner smile, my heart melted once more.

Come to think about it, he does that to everyone! Why should I be so happy then? If he does that only when he sees me, then I should celebrate la! But still, even if I cannot have him as my boyfriend, I can still have him as a friend, right?

Piece of Me

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They're still gonna take pictures of my derriere in the magazine
You want a piece of me?

Yeah baby, you sure do want a piece of me!

I am super hyper right now! I.GOT.CHECKED.OUT.BY.A.GUY.IN.THE.LIFT.YESTERDAY.

Ahahahahahahah!!

I know I'm making a big deal over this matter. I'm sorry to waste your time but heck, I rarely got checked out by a person and I'm definitely gonna blast this news into the blogosphere!

Well, maybe I do get check outs but I never knew. I wouldn't even know that I got checked out this afternoon if my friends didn't tell me. Once again I'm saying that my gaydar isn't functioning well because it's wavelengths are interfering with my straightdar(is this the correct term?). It still hasn't got fixed, and won't be fixed any time soon, thanks to my couldn't-care-less attitude.

This incident occured in the afternoon when I was back from school. This guy walked past us(my friends and I) in the lobby of the hostel and my friends went "look! There are four girls and a guy here and that guy looked ONLY at Alex!". I didn't know what they were trying to say, so I asked:"Why do you guys say so?". According to the girls, that guy is gay because they once saw him check their male friend's ass out. But it's only their assumption as there's no solid evidence to prove that he's gay.

When we were waiting for the lift to arrive, the guy came back. As usual, the girls teased me by saying that the guy came back for me and that I should go introduce myself to him and befriend him. Luckily, the lift arrived soon enough to save me from their teasing.

Or so I thought. The most we entered the lift, things became worse. The guy stood on my front left side, facing towards me and he took a great time checking me out. He actually dared to check me out in a lift filled only with girls besides me and him. My friends observed the situation and there they go trying to prove their point that he's gay. "Look, he's checking you out again. There are girls around him but he's looking only at you!" Really, he checked me out from top to toe and kept observing my facial expressions. But what blew my mind was the thing he did before exiting the lift. He looked at me and made a SLOW 180 degrees turn before exiting the lift. He wanted me to look at him from different angles!

At that point, the only thing holding me back is the fact that my friends don't know I'm bi and I'm not ready to come out to them. Seriously, if my friends weren't with me the whole time, I think I would've already pounced on him in the lift itself. He's not bad looking, he's not Asian(tho I'm Asian, Asians just don't seem to turn me on alot), plus he has that sexy facial hair which I love most in a man(I think I really have a fetish for facial hair). And those beautiful, charming eyes too.

No way I should pass this one, rite?

This Is Life

Nothing makes sense. I know nothing. I understand nothing. Studies, things around me, anything at all. I know nothing about all these.

Really, I don't even know what on earth am I supposed to do. I may be a medical student but inside me, there are several other MEs. One of them wants to be a fashion designer, another a model. Then there's one who wants to be a stay-home dad. Really, there really are so many of us in one body it starts to bother me. A lot.

To be a doctor has been my ambition since young, so here am I in a med school trying to get a medical degree. Well, the thought of becoming a fashion designer sprouted only about 2 years ago but it's influence on me is very strong. It made me more self-conscious on what I wear, which is good. What's not good is that I'm becoming a critic. Not only am I now a fashion critic, I'm basically a critic of everything. Luckily, my inability to draw helped in repressing the inner devil. If not for that, I think I would've ditched med school for an art school and become a worse critic.

Stay-home dad. Who wouldn't want to stay home and look after their own kids? Given the chance, I would stay home to take care of my kids and I'll make sure that they'll grow up the way I didn't grew up. I'll send them to a mandarin-speaking elementary school, then to an international high school. Later, they'll do their Pre-U course in a well-known college before flying off to the countries which give the best education for the courses my kids will be pursuing. That's only for their academics. For co-curricular activities, I'll make sure they take up either drawing or piano lessons until they've reached 8th grade. All of them must take up swimming lessons but not involved in it too much before puberty to prevent stunted growth. Before they enter college, they'll have to learn the art of fine-dining. But the most important thing is to make them read, listen, speak and write good English. Off to the British Council they go!

If only women cared less about who being the breadwinner of the family. If only I ever get married. Sigh.

Enough about that. Let's talk about my fantasy of being a model. Honestly, who doesn't want to be a model? Often, people don't get to be models because they don't have what it takes to be. This one reason is more than enough to eliminate more than three-quarters of the population on earth of becoming a model. So, what it takes to be a model? To be a male model, one should stand between 5'10 and 6'2 tall, 6'0 being the preferred height and wears a size 40 suit. When you've passed these two criterias, other criterias come in. Weight, posture, bone structure, looks. You name it.

I stand at 5'11. 6'0 may be the preferred height but hey, I'm Asian, 5'11 is not too bad! Unfortunately, I only wear a size 36-37 suit. I might be an inch shorter than the preferred height but my chest is at least 3 sizes below the standard size! Besides, I'm under-weight. People my age and my height should weight 70kgs and above but I'm struggling to maintain my weight of 60kgs! Posture? I can stand as tall as 5'11 but most of the time I stand only at 5'9 or 5'10. Reason? I freaking can't stand straight. Most of the time of my life I hunch my back when I walk. The condition was worse when I was young, but it's better now that I've come to realise how serious the situation was and made the effort to get my posture right. People need to have broad shoulders too as they look nice in a suit and also sexy in a plain tank top as they swing their arms when they walk. Facial characteristics are very important too, but their degree of importance differs according to needs of different fields. Say, a cover guy's looks is more important than a runway model's because chances of people looking at a cover guy on a magazine is higher than a runway model. But I don't mean that a runway model's looks aren't important! Thus the question:"What does an Asian has to offer to the modelling world?" Most Asians don't have squared jaws, don't have pointed nose, don't have much facial hair to boost the masculine looks. I'm just a typical Asian, plus I have thin eyebrows and looks of a 16 year old! Besides, my hair is bad. Seriously, how many 21 year olds out there who're self-conscious but just couldn't get the hair that suits themselves? I prefer my hair short but my friends say that I look better with medium length hair. Maybe it's time to just pay more to hire a hair-stylist to decide what's best for me.

Sigh is the only thing I can do now, but I'm not gonna give up. When I return to Malaysia, I'm going to consult a nutritionist on what I should eat to gain weight. Then, I'll hit the gym and pool to build up some muscles. Supplements are a need to help gain weight and muscles faster. I'll also sun-bathe and this time, I'm definitely getting a tan(last year, I tried getting a tan but failed). About my looks and my thin eyebrows, let steroids do the work. I suspect it's because of the insufficient production of testosterone that caused the thin brows and the stunted maturation of my looks. Hopefully by then facial hair starts to grow. Facial hair is so sexy. And no, I'm not talking about having a goatee. Something like what Jeff Pickel of America's Most Smartest Model has will do.

Look where my fantasy has taken us to. Sigh. If only I cared less about how I look and am more satisfied with what I have now, things would've been better. But since it has happened, the only thing I can do now is to keep improving the way I look. There's no room for failing!

Love Is Beautiful

At this very moment, I wish to be loved. Well, love as in a boyfriend or girlfriend kinda love.

The feeling of being loved is so good, so good that I feel that I'm the biggest fool to ever let it go.

It's been 18 months since I broke up with my ex. It's been 18 months since I last kissed another person(besides my mum, duh). It's been 18 months since I last held hands with another person. It's been 18 months since I last felt love.

There are several candidates along the way but I just can't bring myself to feel whatever I'm supposed to feel. I definitely have moved on, though I still miss the times when I was with her.

Ever since he appeared in my life, nothing feels right. There's always this urge to know more about him, to befriend him, to be part of his life. Compared with 12 months ago, nothing much has changed, besides me knowing facts about him and he knows nothing about me.

The only person to be blamed in this case is me. I was not ready to part with her, I Was not ready to travel so far from home for my studies, I didn't have enough faith in long-distance relationships. I like him, and still do even after I found out that he's straight.

But my stubborn brain just doesn't want to register this piece of information. Really, how often do you meet someone who can really play futsal, knows nothing about fashion, doesn't cook well, exceptionally good in studies and the only time he's out of the hostel besides attending lessons is to restock his groceries to be gay? Or bi.

OK. Guys who play the male role in a guy-guy relationship often display characteristics of a straight man, but we non-straight guys know whether another guy is straight or not. Gay men don't usually play futsal. Even if they do, they can't be anywhere on the top. Gay men SHOULD at least know something about fashion, if not more. I can assure you, he doesn't even know the fashion world exists.

Well, cooking. I don't cook well too, but I at least try! I seldom see him cook, and most of the time when I do see him cook, it's fried rice or some simple chicken dishes. He is straight! But my brain thinks otherwise. The "signals"? It's just me. Dear old obssessed me, hoping that there's a slight chance that some things within him are bent.

Look where my obssession is driving me to. Totally out of the topic.

Back to love. So yeah, I want to be loved again, I want to provide love to the person who loves me, I want to love the person that I love no matter he loves me back or not.

Love me please, Sam.

It's All Happening Again

As the title suggests, it's all happening again. But what exactly is happening all over again?

What - more precisely who - else if it's not The Great Sam? He's like, the only person who's been able to screw me around(literally of course) for the past whole year?

I'm tired of pretending as someone who's not myself, but I'm not ready to come out yet too. At least not to a bunch of homophobes who happen to be the people I hang out with for the past one and a half years and also happen to be the only people I'm quite close with and also happen to be the people I can't afford to lose in a foreign country where they're the only people I can depend on.

Besides, I won't be able to endure the critics. A senior came out of the closet several months ago and since then, people have been talking about him. Not very pleasant comments about him but they weren't that bad too. I suppose it's like this because people can accept the kind and friendly part of him but can't accept the gay part of him. After all, you can't just stop befriending a person whom you've known for more than 5 years just because he's gay. Not when he's super kind and friendly.

But what am I? What do I have to offer to others to continue to be my friend? I know I shouldn't be thinking like this because true friends wouldn't ditch me just because I'm bisexual, but things don't work that way when one's studying abroad.

Heck, just when I thought bisexuals would be treated way much better than homosexuals as bisexuals still share certain extent of interest on both sexes when they hang out and check out people with their friends.

After that much of babbling, you all must've realised that I think too much and always feel insecure in everything. I realised that too but I can't do anything about it. This is how my brain functions and I obviously hated it.

Sam's Friendster profile show's that he's "married", he has a ring on his hand which I assume is his "wedding ring", he's super famous among girls as he plays futsal very well. Everything about him yells "I'm-way-too-manly-to-be-gay". But I still secretly hope that even if he's not gay, he can still be bi.

I know it's stupid, but I just can't accept the fact that he doesn't like guys the way I hope he would. Not after the "signals" he's been sending to me all these while. A smile, a hand shake, a "Hello" and "Goodbye", small talks, occasional glances and other little stuffs.

Recently, I thought I was over him for real as this is the first time I actually didn't melt whenever I see him. And this lasted for 2 weeks. It's really some great achievement.

But it all shattered so fast. Over the weekend, I went to watch my friends(and him) play futsal. There was this net-like thing covering the court so that the ball wouldn't hit the audience. The distance between the net and the seats for audience is less than 50cm though. So, he was walking around and when he passed-by the place I was sitting(I sat on the front row), he brushed his fingers on the net and left. Of all places, why the part where I'm sitting?

Not only that. After one of my friend's match, my friend came and sat beside me. Sam was walking around beside the court again and he stopped to talk to my friend as my friend hurt his hand during his match. It's not wrong dropping-by to say "Hi" but mind you, there were many spectators surrounding the court and the net covering the court obviously worsens one's vision if one were to look for someone else through the net from inside the court. There were a hundred(or more) on-lookers and he easily spotted my friend. In fact, he only spotted my friend when he walked past the place I was sitting. The only reason I could came up with is that he knew where I was sitting and when he walked past that area, he glanced over at me and saw my friend sitting beside me and so he came over.

You can't just walk past somewhere random and then saw someone you know through the annoying vision-impairing net-like thingy right?

Shit, I'm getting all hyped up again. See, that's why I say all these craps are happening all over again. They really suck to the very max.

Tribute to Heath Ledger

Heath Ledger fucking died!

The last time I heard of him, he was alive and showed no sign of dying. But he just freaking died. When I am on a trip to Italy, with limited time and place to online.

He freaking died on me! Without me knowing, if not because of the insignificant line on XiaXue's blog!

And I thought it was not true!

Overdose of drug?! No way! How is that possible?! This is too much for me to handle. I feel as though the world is crumbling. Too much of information to register.

I need someone to hold me. A hot guy will do.

The Bitch Way

It feels good to be a bitch. Being bitchy is SO good for the soul.

When I was young, I hated bitches mainly because they're bimbos. Never wanted to have any sort of contact with them. Thought that they're just some immature people who live in their own glamorous world, don't give a damn about anything at all, look down on people, insult people whenever they get the chance. Basically thought that they're just a bunch of low-life organisms.

It was so wrong. They're doing this because they can! And we're disliking and hating them because we're jealous!

Don't you anti-bitches out there make a big fuss over this matter. I'm only stating my opinions.

Now, if you allow me.

People act like bitches because they can. Say, Paris Hilton. People say she's a bitch, and they dislike her to the max. They think that she's useless. Well, people should take a closer look at her. She's a jewel! Why is she a bitch? Because she's an heiress and is wasting her family's money? Oh please, Miss Hilton said she didn't get allowance from her parents after high school. Ever single cent she's been spending after high school has been her own money. Her own, as in she earned it herself. Well, since she's a bitch, she might've lied. Why do people care anyway? If you're not satisfied with her fate of being born into a rich family, start working harder to at least be a millionaire so that you or your children can also live the glamorous life!

And before you guys think of her as a stupid person, think again. She's not stupid AT ALL. She's smarter than many people out there who have nothing better to do with their lives besides bad-mouthing others. At least Miss Hilton has her own line of perfumes, hair extensions and her solo album. Probably she pulled strings to make these things happen, and they probably involed money, but who cares? The only reason why anyone would care is that they're jealous of her.

Back to me hating bitches. Never liked bitches when I was young, never liked them even during high school, but things changed when I entered college. It was a college well-known for it's partying students before excellent grades the college produces each semester. It was then I realise that there is no point hating them. Though it's a party college, it never fails to produce good grades every semester. The reason? It's because the students balanced their lives well. They know when to be bitchy, when to study hard.

Still, I never accepted the life of a bitchy student, mostly because I couldn't balance my life between studying and gaming, what more partying?

But it doesn't mean that I didn't acquire the ability of being bitchy.

After college, I rushed myself into med school. Here I am, in a foreign country for the sceond year, without my bitchy friends and family to back me up when I need their help. The key to survival is to be bitchy whenever needed. But the thing is, I couldn't bring myself to be bitchy to anyone. For many years, I've been brought up not to be bitchy, it's not easy to just forget about things I was taught and be bitchy.

Which is why people take advantage of me. And when I refuse to be taken advantage of, I become the bad guy. I'm the selfish one, I'm the one making a big fuss over a small matter, I'm the one 'who used to be a good friend but has changed'. Most of the time I'll just take in the crap people throw in my direction, thinking that by doing so, people will someday realise the amount of crap they're throwing at me and will at least reduce the amount, if not stop totally.

The plan so did not work out. Not only are they throwing more crap at me, they're spreading rumours about me! So cannot make it la these people, claim to be adults but do such things to people.

Tsk tsk.

Someday, I shall unleash the bitch within me. They should know how bitchy I can be. Then they'll show me some respect.

Man, I'm already a bitch by posting such an entry! But who cares? I own this blog. I get the right to say whatever I want, and no one gets to judge.

2008

Happy New Year 2008 everyone! May this coming new year bring good luck to all of us in all aspects!

Sorry for the super short entry because I'm currently very busy!

Happy New Year again!


xoxo

What's That Smell?

I'm a bad cook. I could barely prepare a meal for myself, what more for others?

I so pity my future partner.

I'm not good at preparing meals, but there are a few dishes that I'm able to prepare without making the dish taste awfully bad.

But that was the past. This semester, I couldn't prepare a proper meal for myself, not even once! Either the egg was burnt, the vege was tasteless or too salty or chicken tasted like fish. I even burned my fried rice.

YES, FRIED RICE WAS BURNT! For God's sake, I think I'm the only person in my batch who's still able to fry rice until it burned!

Porridge. Has anyone tasted super tasteless or super salty porridge? I have. There isn't a single time where I've cooked an edible pot of porridge. Either it's tasteless or it's too salty because salt was the only thing I add into my porridge. I've tried putting onions and meat in porridge but still it tasted so much different from the porridge other people cook.

Maybe I don't have talent in cooking AT ALL. I should stop cooking so that the world shall not suffer from the food I cook for them to eat.

The porridge I just cooked is a bit too salty and the meat is barely cook.

Bah.

***

It's not wrong to watch gay-themed movies, right?

Apparently my friends are thinking that I'm gay because they say that I have "a collection of gay themed movies", which is like what, 5 movies out of more than 60 movies I currently have in my hard disk and DVDs? It's less than 10% la please. If I own more than a dozen DVDs which contains gay themed movies then maybe you can start suspecting la.

I'm not gay OK, just a half gay la. Haha.

But it's a good thing for people to think that I'm gay and me saying that I'm not gay because I memang isn't gay. I'm not lying to them so there's nothing wrong with it. Besides, if Sam gets to know about this, it might be a good thing for both of us. Not only can he confirm that I'm HALF gay, he can come express his feelings for me without being afraid that he might scare me off.

I'm so sick la. My friend said that I might had Obsessive and Compulsive Disorder. I kinda agree la actually. I so need a psychiatrist now. But what la, if Sam likes me then don't la sometimes keep paying attention to me, sometimes don't even look at me, then sometimes avoiding me, then sometimes so happy to see me, make me confuse nia.

What the hell la, who says ceffeine can keep you awake? I drank 2 cups of coffee liao still feel sleepy like shit. Need study for Anatomy somemore, can die la.

That's Not A Freaking Wedding Ring Is It?

Life is so screwed that I feel like dying.

Seriously.

I'm back to the old me, stalking other people's Friendster account. I'm such a loser.

Exams are killing me, my liking for some people is killing me, the thought of some person not liking me is killing me.

Basically everything's killing me.

Friends are saying that I'm taking things too fast. I should be friends with Sam first, then slowly develop from there because our friendship(?) do not have a very strong base and that without a strong base, the friendship won't last long.

I wish I could have control over my brain and actually make it stop thinking about everything about Sam. But I can't. I just can't.

I'm so depressed now I feel like jumping off a cliff and just die and that my corpse will be food for sharks.

Nitey.

P/S: His Friendster profile says that he's "married". I guess this explains the ring he's wearing. It might not be what it seems but currently, my perasanness is making me think so. My perasanness is so gonna kill me someday.

This Is So Uncool

I'm in deep shit. I think I actually LOVE Sam instead of LIKE him.

Love is a very strong word, I know, but this is what I feel about him now. I wish this isn't true but for the past few days, my cerebrum seem to have given up on me. I've been doing things I never thought of, and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Last Saturday, I went to watch Sam play futsal. At 9:30PM! The temperature outside was -10 degrees Celcius! I was damn tired because I went out early in the morning, probably about 8AM and returned home only about 8:30PM, and I went to watch him play balls!

It sucks when you're not in control of your brain. You're forced to do things you didn't thought of doing.

Really, he's been playing futsal every Saturday night for the past 2 months and I've NEVER GO and NEVER THOUGHT of going to see him play, but I went last Saturday! I really don't know what's gotten into me.

And the worse thing is that on the next day, he had futsal matches, AND I WENT TO WATCH HIM PLAY, AGAIN. This time's worse. I had no idea where he was playing. So I called some friends who happened to know where the matches were held, asked for directions and off I went!

I FREAKING WALKED MORE THAN A KILOMETER TO THE PLACE BECAUSE I MISSED THE BUS. AND IT WAS SNOWING!

All my freaking brain did to make me accept the fact that he's more than a crush. Not that I'm REALLY convinced by that.

Fine, I'm in denial. I like Sam a lot. I cuddle the pillow every night when I sleep thinking that the pillow is him. I peek at him every single opportunity I get. I got his phone number. I think of him almost the whole day every day. And it's very pathetic to have him be as my batchmate but couldn't get closer to him. He's technically surrounded by his 'boyfriends' wherever he goes, admired by all the Malay girls in my batch, famous because he plays good futsal.

Me? I'm just a nobody. I know he and his father's name but he doesn't even have the faintest idea of my name. It sucks to be a nobody.

Doctors Aren't GOD

I'm going to be a terrible doctor. In fact, I won't even graduate from med school.

These are statements, not opinions.

I failed Physiology examination for the fourth time, and my Professor says that we won't make it till the end of the course "if we don't put in effort in our studies".

This is the first time in my entire life to be humiliated in such way. I mean, I was never a bright student but I do know what's going on in class OK. Not 100% but definitely more than 70%. And my Physiology lecturer has succeeded in making us look like retards.

Seriously, who on earth is he to even judge us when he's not any better.

Enough of that Physiology crap already. I'll revise my stuffs again and the next time I sit for the exam, I'll slap everything on his face. See what he has to say then.

This week is the worst week ever since I returned from Malaysia. Screwed up ALL my exams, screwed up my sleep time, and worse of all, I screwed things up between me and Sam.

Like I've always said, I never talk much to him but there is something between us that none of us can tell. It's like we're friends but we don't communicate the usual way friends do.

Let's just skip the rest of the details which aren't related to this entry.

The thing is, I think I've screwed up the way we communicate. For the past few days, I pretend not to see him at all, be in in lecture halls, classrooms or hostel. It's because recently, I saw that he's quite intimate with this guy friend of his, so intimate that they would sit together during lectures at places where there won't be anyone else near them.

Fine, I'm JEALOUS, but that's because I care for him k!

Sniff.

I think he kinda sensed that I didn't tegur sapa with him, so that day he kinda like made a chance to walk past me and say 'Hi' to me la. I don't know what's gotten into my mind, after I said 'Hi' back to him, I turned around and continued talking to my friends.

GREAT.

I think he kinda got offended la. When we were going home, we were in the same metro, the situation was so awkward that both of us were trying so hard to pretend that we do not know of each other's presence in the same metro.

MAYBE IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. MAYBE HE'S NOT GAY AND HE KNOWS THAT A HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND HE FELT DISGUSTED, THAT'S WHY HE'S DOING THIS TO ME. OMG HE'S SO MEAN!!

My life is so screwed I feel like becoming a rock. Tough and unable to feel anything at all. Then I don't have to try so hard to love a person and don't have to care whether the person loves me back or not. Coolness.

Come Get Me

I think Sam likes me too, lor.

Few days back, I went to help my friends carry groceries. Sam was there too, obviously. When we were entering the lift, Sam offered to help but I turned down his offer because the groceries weren't very heavy and that I didn't want to make him work. See la, now super-normal-friends state also I so sayang him already, can't imagine what'll happen if we really get together someday.

So, when we were entering the lift, he was behind me and he held my hand, at the elbow region. It may be just "normal friend helping normal friend getting in to the lift" but I've never seen him doing it to someone else, lor. Besides, he didn't hold me using his fingers only, his whole hand was around my elbow and it lasted for about 3 seconds. It felt really good k.

Yesterday, when I went to his room to pass him something, I wanted to ask him to come see my DotA competition but there were too many people in his room, I didn't dare to even look at him. And I've been practising for some time on how to ask him to come watch the match without sounding as if I'm inviting him to come watch me play.

But somehow, not long after I left his room and went to play my match, he came and see! There were few matches going on and he didn't really seem to bother much about how everyone perform but he sat on a chair near me and watch my team play for several minutes before he left. I think he was waiting for me to notice his presence in that room but I was too busy to turn over and say 'Hi' to him.

It's rude, especially when I'm trying to be closer to him AS A FRIEND, but maybe what I did was right. My team lost in the match and I think he didn't has to be there to witness how pathetic I was.

I won the next match though.

I really hope that he likes me too la, then we can skip all the 'hard-to-get' crap and jump straight to the part where we could do things together, hold hands, cuddle each other and sleep every night. I'm tired of cuddling my bolster already. I want something warmer, has a heart beat and is responsive.

Obsession

I am officially not the old me anymore. Back then, I never participate an any clubs or societies.

Well, I did join clubs, just that I never attented their weekly meetings and any event which the club held. Now, I am more than an 'Ahli Biasa' in the club I joined. I hold a post in the club, went for several meetings and participated in past events. In fact, I'm now part of the committee which is in-charge of the latest event.

Is this good news? To be involving myself in things happening around me, to be part of something, to hang out with people instead of hiding in the room all day. I think it's a good start to pull myself back to the active form since I've been in the inactive form for at least 5 years.

Talk about good news, there is a good news which happened today. I HAVE SAM'S CONTACT NUMBER! I did not get it from someone else, I did not make people ask for his number OK. But I did not ask him for his number myself either. Whatever. His contact number is displayed on the notice board, and I happen to see it, so... But not that I'm that desperate to contact him OK.

Actually I am, but I have dignity too! I have his number written down on a paper but I don't plan to save it in my phonebook. What if he's not gay? I might freak him out if I contact him for no reason. Now that MY contact number is also on the notice board, I don't have to worry him not knowing my number, unless he didn't read the notice or he's not interested in me, or he doesn't know my name at all. I hope he knows my name, if not I can die. I spent so much time stalking him and if he's interested in me but didn't bother to even find out my name, he's done for.

Wish I could message and let him know how much I like him. But things will be better if we introduce ourselves to each other and exchange numbers and from there we see how we work things out.

The time I spent thinking of things like this, it'd be of much better use if I used it on my studies. I'd become the top student in my group already. Hah.

Shopping

First of all, I would like to say that I'm extremely ashamed of myself. The previous entries make no sense at all and I bet I wasted lots of people's time reading my entries.

Not that I really cared though.

Hah, I wasted another minute of your time.

Before you slap me, please allow me to say something. After that, you can do whatever you want to me. Virtually.

Guess what, I'm a HOMOPHOBIC! Seriously! I don't know what's gotten into me but recently, no offence, the thought of sissy gay couples totally freak the hell out of me la! I don't know why but I think it's weird for a bi boy to be freaked out by thoughts of sissy gays.

But it doesn't mean that I discriminate them OK. But this is not what I'm concerned about. I'm more concerned about me being freaked out by this matter. I mean, I'm bi but I didn't expcet myself to be freaked out when it comes to things like this.

Besides, honestly, I've never imagine myself involving in gay sex with anyone. I know I always talk big about sex and stuff but really, what I see in a relationship is anything but sex, especially gay sex.

I'm starting to wonder whether I'm drifting to the straight guy path or it's just because I haven't got a haircut. Bad hair days are so making me look like an ordinary straight geek. On bad hair days, not only will I become like everyone else wearing The-last-last-last season's top and an unmatching jeans, I don't even bother to look at myself in the mirror much before I leave for classes. Talk about becoming a metrosexual, I'm such a shame to everybody.

And to make myself even worse, I have no freaking idea where to buy nice bags here in Moscow la! The metrosexual guys here all have freaking beautiful bags but I never see such nice bags anywhere in malls! Even their clothes look as though they didn't come from any shop in Russia! It's saddening!

But what to do, living in a foreign country isn't easy. It's even harder when the people in that country don't speak any of the languages you know. It's hell for those who love shopping for nice clothes and accessories but not know how to reach them.

But the factor which really ownZ everyone is the price. EVERYTHING is much more expensive than they are back home. Aih.

The Time of the Month

I hope this is not the testosterone talking but..

TURKEY GUYS ARE HOT! SO FREAKING HOT!

Last semester, before I returned home for summer holidays, I met with people from Turkey. The girls are OK-ish, but the guy was above average lor! Too bad they didn't stay for long. They only came to study Russian language for several months.

This semester, I saw several new faces. This time, there are two guys which I think are quite good looking. One of them has the cute look like blogger Stefano while the other has the hunky bad boy look. I don't know about the cute guy but I think the hunk is not that straight. It's only an assumption though, since my gaydar never worked anyway.

Why do I think that he's not that straight? Well, that's because I saw him checking me out when we were waiting for the lift to arrive yesterday. He was with his friends at first, but when the lift arrived, he couldn't enter because the lift was full, so he waited for the next lift. When he was waiting for the next lift, I saw him checking me out. But when I looked at him, he pretended that he was staring into space.

Well, one might say that it's OK for one to check another person out but a guy don't usually check another guy out that long, so it's not OK.

Is this a chance? Or is it another unfulfilled hope? I don't know.


***


It's the time of the year! It's snowing! Yay!

Fuck winter. It's all about the cold weather and the munow(mud+snow), so freaking unpleasant. And the worse thing is I bought a pair of jeans the day before it started snowing. Jeans don't keep people warm! If only I know it's gonna snow so soon I'd have used the money to buy a winter coat!

Darn it.


***


My portable hard disc freaking spoiled. Reason? I don't know. And the reason I don't know is not because I know nothing about computers. There's not rational explanation for this, it just freaking spoiled after I restarted my laptop. Even asked the pros to help but I just couldn't access my hard disc.

All the important documents are in my portable hard disc. Great.


***


I'm starting to lose hope in the gay scene. I'm not as strong as I thought I am. It's unbearable, to be hiding in the closet, afraid of being discovered. But at the same time I desire for love, the forbidden male-and-male love.

Coming out of the closet is not an option, when family and friends have homophobia. It's not easy to make myself fit into the society. Instead of believing that I'm a bi boy who's obsessed with labels, I'm making myself believe that I'm nothing more than a metrosexual straight guy. Well, at least by making others believe that I'm metrosexual, I can be a shopaholic and not worry being told that I'm weird.

All the things I do to hide my identity but not have to fake what I like. It's so taxing. All these hard work will be paid off in the future, I hope.

For now, I'll just wait and see if there's any empty space left for me in this gay scene.

Hypertension.. soon

Selamat Hari Raya to the Muslims! Selamat Hari Raya, Sam!

As if he cares so much whether I wish him or not.

Bah.

But I think he cares la cos' today he passed by my classroom and I think he paused and looked at me for like, say, 0.000000001 second?

I know it's so insignificant but it means something to me.

FINE, IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. HAPPY?

Period.

Loads of exams these few weeks! Managed to pass 1(one) subject out of 4 subjects which I sat for. Blardy can jump off the cliff and die la!

What to do, I stupid ma. I'm so stupid that I can still watch Heroes, Prison Break and Bleach the night before my exam. I think my adrenal glands are blocked or what. I don't feel tensed at all. In fact, I'm so relaxed that my heart almost needed a boost of adrenaline.

"Tell me about the parts of the brain. How many tracts are there in total? How many sensory tracts, how many motor tracts? Tell me about Tractus Spinothalamicus. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Um..."


****


One of my classmates is becoming more and more riddiculus.

"Anatomy is nothing la, study a bit then score d!"
"Fuck A la, he thought he very smart la now! Wait la, I'll make him bow before me!"
"Fuck B la, he thought I very scared of him la now?! Ask him wait la!"
"Fuck C la, He so stupid somemore dare comment on my results!"

Seriously, fuck you la. Why blardy abuse the trust our teachers have in you? Why blardy think so highly of yourself? You wait la, someday someone will slap you back with even better results.
The person wouldn't be me of course. Why make myself sit and study so much when I can spend more time reading GQ and go shopping?

I'm smart.

When Non-Functional Gaydar Meets Fashion Disaster

This is a long post, so don't read unless you really have free time to kill.

Serious, no joke.

So, here goes! First of all, I would like to apologise for not making it clear who 'Leo', 'Sam' and 'Sean' are. Actually, Leo is a friend I knew since Primary 2 and I kinda have a crush on him, on and off. It wasn't until recently that I got the guts to ask him out on a date. The date went pretty well, and I bet it wouldn't be the last.

As for Sam and Sean, they're my current coursemates. Sam is Malay and Sean is Indian. I used to have quite a big crush on Sean but now, I'm not really a big fan of him, mostly because of him acting TOO cool on me. He barely acknowledges my existence OK.

Sam is different. We never really talked, never exchange numbers, never had proper self-introduction, but somehow he wasn't as cold as Sean is, though occasionally he can be an ass like Sean. I never really know what he thinks of me because: 1)I'm Chinese and he's Malay, 2)Malays are the least likely persons who'll ever come out of the closet, 3)Religion, 4)Religion.

Plus my Gaydar sucks. It never picks up any signal, at all.

I don't know whether it's just me or what but really, I don't think a Chinese GUY and a Malay GUY can ever work anything out in a relationship, especially in Malaysia. He's a government sponsored student, he has to work for the government for many years after he graduates(unless he pays back his loan, which I doubt he'll do so). Besides, Malaysia is his home, I bet he won't flee to other countries for the sake of his partner.

But then again maybe it's just me who's been thinking too much. But I know it's not true la. I think he has a thing for me too. He's been sending obvious signals to me this week. He walked all the way to stand behind me to listen to our lecturer's explanation on something when it's actually much nearer, easier and comfortable for him to just stand beside the teacher and listen. But I'm happy that he chose to stand behind me, trying to look attentive when actually he's trying to get closer to me. Haha, perasan-nyer aku. We took the same bus ride home and I caught him looking at me quite a number of times and whenever he knew that I'd caught him, he'd quickly turn around and look at something else. I was looking at him the whole time, and only if he didn't turn away so quickly, I could've sent him a smile or a wink. Heh. When we reached our hostel, he purposely walked beside me almost the whole time. But sadly I was too nervous to talk, I didn't unplug my iPod's earphones. We walked side-by-side without talking. It felt good, but then again I've missed a chance to actually talk to him. And it all ended when the lift he boarded was full and I couldn't enter.

We live in different floors.


***


What would you wear to a dicso? A bright purple folded-up-to-elbow shirt, a pair of dirty green jeans and a brown hat? Or a light blue mini jeans skirt, black short sleeve shirt with a brown-white striped tie borrowed from your father?

If it's so, I'd reckon' you to stay home and not embarass yourselves in public. Seriously, do party GIRLS dress like this?

Oh, they're not KL-Lites. I forgot, my bad.

BUT I EXPECTED SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! BOTH OF YOU ARE NO TALLER THAN 160cm, ONE LOOKS LIKE A PUMPKIN AND THE OTHER RESEMBLES A STICK. To actually match brown hat with bright purple shirt and dirty green jeans, mini jeans skirt with black shirt and brown-white striped tie, I can tell that you girls don't have mirrors in your rooms!

Really, it's the 21st century, NOBODY wears their father's tie to a party, NOBODY wears a brown hat to a party. NOBODY dress like this to party. NOBODY. Even if the theme is cross-dressing, both of you have failed, like, totally. This is what happens when girls try to dress pretty and macho at the same time. The result is obvious. It can totally be ranked number one in 'Fashion Disaster of All Time'.

I was lucky to not die on the spot after looking at them. It really takes some guts to dress like this and walk on the streets. Girls, I salute you for being so brave, but next time, do consult me before you dress up for a party, OK? Who knows, this may be the cure of you being a singleton for so many years. It's time to get laid, ladies!