As the title suggests, it's all happening again. But what exactly is happening all over again?
What - more precisely who - else if it's not The Great Sam? He's like, the only person who's been able to screw me around(literally of course) for the past whole year?
I'm tired of pretending as someone who's not myself, but I'm not ready to come out yet too. At least not to a bunch of homophobes who happen to be the people I hang out with for the past one and a half years and also happen to be the only people I'm quite close with and also happen to be the people I can't afford to lose in a foreign country where they're the only people I can depend on.
Besides, I won't be able to endure the critics. A senior came out of the closet several months ago and since then, people have been talking about him. Not very pleasant comments about him but they weren't that bad too. I suppose it's like this because people can accept the kind and friendly part of him but can't accept the gay part of him. After all, you can't just stop befriending a person whom you've known for more than 5 years just because he's gay. Not when he's super kind and friendly.
But what am I? What do I have to offer to others to continue to be my friend? I know I shouldn't be thinking like this because true friends wouldn't ditch me just because I'm bisexual, but things don't work that way when one's studying abroad.
Heck, just when I thought bisexuals would be treated way much better than homosexuals as bisexuals still share certain extent of interest on both sexes when they hang out and check out people with their friends.
After that much of babbling, you all must've realised that I think too much and always feel insecure in everything. I realised that too but I can't do anything about it. This is how my brain functions and I obviously hated it.
Sam's Friendster profile show's that he's "married", he has a ring on his hand which I assume is his "wedding ring", he's super famous among girls as he plays futsal very well. Everything about him yells "I'm-way-too-manly-to-be-gay". But I still secretly hope that even if he's not gay, he can still be bi.
I know it's stupid, but I just can't accept the fact that he doesn't like guys the way I hope he would. Not after the "signals" he's been sending to me all these while. A smile, a hand shake, a "Hello" and "Goodbye", small talks, occasional glances and other little stuffs.
Recently, I thought I was over him for real as this is the first time I actually didn't melt whenever I see him. And this lasted for 2 weeks. It's really some great achievement.
But it all shattered so fast. Over the weekend, I went to watch my friends(and him) play futsal. There was this net-like thing covering the court so that the ball wouldn't hit the audience. The distance between the net and the seats for audience is less than 50cm though. So, he was walking around and when he passed-by the place I was sitting(I sat on the front row), he brushed his fingers on the net and left. Of all places, why the part where I'm sitting?
Not only that. After one of my friend's match, my friend came and sat beside me. Sam was walking around beside the court again and he stopped to talk to my friend as my friend hurt his hand during his match. It's not wrong dropping-by to say "Hi" but mind you, there were many spectators surrounding the court and the net covering the court obviously worsens one's vision if one were to look for someone else through the net from inside the court. There were a hundred(or more) on-lookers and he easily spotted my friend. In fact, he only spotted my friend when he walked past the place I was sitting. The only reason I could came up with is that he knew where I was sitting and when he walked past that area, he glanced over at me and saw my friend sitting beside me and so he came over.
You can't just walk past somewhere random and then saw someone you know through the annoying vision-impairing net-like thingy right?
Shit, I'm getting all hyped up again. See, that's why I say all these craps are happening all over again. They really suck to the very max.
What - more precisely who - else if it's not The Great Sam? He's like, the only person who's been able to screw me around(literally of course) for the past whole year?
I'm tired of pretending as someone who's not myself, but I'm not ready to come out yet too. At least not to a bunch of homophobes who happen to be the people I hang out with for the past one and a half years and also happen to be the only people I'm quite close with and also happen to be the people I can't afford to lose in a foreign country where they're the only people I can depend on.
Besides, I won't be able to endure the critics. A senior came out of the closet several months ago and since then, people have been talking about him. Not very pleasant comments about him but they weren't that bad too. I suppose it's like this because people can accept the kind and friendly part of him but can't accept the gay part of him. After all, you can't just stop befriending a person whom you've known for more than 5 years just because he's gay. Not when he's super kind and friendly.
But what am I? What do I have to offer to others to continue to be my friend? I know I shouldn't be thinking like this because true friends wouldn't ditch me just because I'm bisexual, but things don't work that way when one's studying abroad.
Heck, just when I thought bisexuals would be treated way much better than homosexuals as bisexuals still share certain extent of interest on both sexes when they hang out and check out people with their friends.
After that much of babbling, you all must've realised that I think too much and always feel insecure in everything. I realised that too but I can't do anything about it. This is how my brain functions and I obviously hated it.
Sam's Friendster profile show's that he's "married", he has a ring on his hand which I assume is his "wedding ring", he's super famous among girls as he plays futsal very well. Everything about him yells "I'm-way-too-manly-to-be-gay". But I still secretly hope that even if he's not gay, he can still be bi.
I know it's stupid, but I just can't accept the fact that he doesn't like guys the way I hope he would. Not after the "signals" he's been sending to me all these while. A smile, a hand shake, a "Hello" and "Goodbye", small talks, occasional glances and other little stuffs.
Recently, I thought I was over him for real as this is the first time I actually didn't melt whenever I see him. And this lasted for 2 weeks. It's really some great achievement.
But it all shattered so fast. Over the weekend, I went to watch my friends(and him) play futsal. There was this net-like thing covering the court so that the ball wouldn't hit the audience. The distance between the net and the seats for audience is less than 50cm though. So, he was walking around and when he passed-by the place I was sitting(I sat on the front row), he brushed his fingers on the net and left. Of all places, why the part where I'm sitting?
Not only that. After one of my friend's match, my friend came and sat beside me. Sam was walking around beside the court again and he stopped to talk to my friend as my friend hurt his hand during his match. It's not wrong dropping-by to say "Hi" but mind you, there were many spectators surrounding the court and the net covering the court obviously worsens one's vision if one were to look for someone else through the net from inside the court. There were a hundred(or more) on-lookers and he easily spotted my friend. In fact, he only spotted my friend when he walked past the place I was sitting. The only reason I could came up with is that he knew where I was sitting and when he walked past that area, he glanced over at me and saw my friend sitting beside me and so he came over.
You can't just walk past somewhere random and then saw someone you know through the annoying vision-impairing net-like thingy right?
Shit, I'm getting all hyped up again. See, that's why I say all these craps are happening all over again. They really suck to the very max.
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