Parenting Skills

I know I'm too young to be talking about parenting skills. After all, I'm still struggling in Med school and also a kid who hasn't grown sideburns, moustache and chest hairs. Yes, I'm an undergraduate student and yet I look like a high school student. Some of you think I should be happy, but I think otherwise. I'd wish for myself to be a masculine man, a hot guy, a hunk, a stud, whatever you find manly, but I'm categorized as what people call 'twink'. It sucks.

Anyway, let's get on with the main topic. Yes, parenting skills. So, you think you have good parenting skills? You think that every parent has good parenting skills? You think that parenting skills is inborn and not something a person should acquire? If your answer to ANY of the questions is 'yes', you have just failed to be a parent.

But why? Of all the topics one could discuss, why parenting skills? Why not the recent hike in fuel price? Why not typhoon 'Fengshen'? Why not Russia vs. Spain's match? Why parenting skills? WHY?

The answer is simple. Because modern parents suck to the core when it comes to parenting. I don't have to compare the parenting skills of our ancestors with the parenting skills of the "TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY SUPER MOMS AND DADS" , just compare the parenting skills of modern parents with their parents. You'll be shocked by the difference in levels of parenting skills.

Before one even start defending by giving lame excuses, allow me to talk first. Why do I think that modern parents are bad in their parenting skills? Here's an example:

Case:
Parents brought kids to coffee shop. Parents sat down and started chatting with friends. Friends brought kids too. Parents' and friends' kids started playing. Kids ran in and out of coffee shop. Parents didn't care. Kids made lots of noise. Parents still didn't care. Kids made MORE noise. Still, nothing happened. And the best part is when parents and their friends can make their children order food for them. The eldest of all is only about 6-7 years old. The rest were like 4 or probably 5. When food didn't arrive, parents made children go and remind hawkers about their orders.

See the problem there? Not only did the parents NOT stop the children run in and out of the coffee shop AND make noises, they totally ignored it as if the kids weren't theirs. And to make their children make food orders for them? Holy Christ! You as a parent not only did not do your part to get food for your children, you made them get food for you? What next? Are they gonna work to provide food for you? Some of you might say that this is a form of training for the kids to be independent, I say it's just an excuse to be lazy. Besides, being a 6-year-old, how often would people take your words for it? "Auntie, give me one Wan Tan Mee ah!" "Wan Tan Mee? Really ah?" "Yala auntie, really! Faster lo auntie I hungry liao!" If I were the hawker I would ask the child to bring me to his/her parent(s) to ask if they really asked their child to place an order. And the answer is 'no', I did not see anyone came to make sure the order was true. Result? The food didn't come la obviously. What did the hungry parents did? "Ah Girl ah Wan Tan Mee haven't come, go tell the person one more time!" I wasn't sure if the mee came, but I was certain that the parents are dumb. Think a bit la uncle and auntie, last time when you were 5 years old, you go and order Wan Tan Mee got people layan you or not? Sometimes maybe la, cause last time people also think less cause society less problems ma. Nowadays society like that, everything expensive, later your child order Wan Tan Mee then when people send the mee to your table then you say you didn't order Wan Tan Mee then the hawker ma rugi? Can give it to other customers, I know, but do you realise how much inconvenience it has caused to the hawker just because you were too lazy to go and order your own food? It's just like asking your underage children to buy cigarettes for you. Shop owner doesn't want to sell to your kids cause your kids are underages. In the end, you had to go and get it yourself but you've caused trouble for both your kid and the shop owner.

Of course I've witnessed other "parenting" acts of some parents, but I thought it'd be better for me to just enlighten everyone about what's becoming of modern parents and not speak too detail of it. But then again, it's just my point of view and I can't force anyone to agree with me.

Well, that's about it. I may be doubting many parents' parenting skills, but what about me? I could be the next parent who lets his children run around the dining table and scream hysterically as they run(play?).

Don't worry, I know I won't.

Anyway, it's getting late already and I really need some good rest. Woke up very early this morning to have breakfast(it's Wan Tan Mee, ironic!) and also went to the gym. Did some shoulder and chest presses, weight-lifting, running and cycling. I know I should be concentrating only on one part of the body at one time but I think it's OK to run and cycle every day. As for my upper body, I know I shouldn't be rushing, but I'm stubborn. Hadn't been exercising for the past 9 months in Russia, so when I went to the gym on Tuesday, I think I pulled a muscle. Was trying to complete the sets.

Avoided exercises for my upper limbs, so I did only exercises for my lower limbs for the next 2 days. I could still feel the joint pains of my upper limbs this evening but I decided to just go on with my upper limb exercises. After all, 2 days should be enough for my upper limbs to recover. Reduced the weights a little, worked a little slower, and nothing major happened. Thank Lord. My limbs are feeling kinda weak and numb right now due to the exercises, luckily it's weekend now so I can have my rest before I hit the gym again on Monday.

Or Tuesday.

I must get my protein drink soon. I could last longer when I run and could lift more weights after having my protein drinks before going to the gym. And it helps to provide the additional protein needed to build muscles(the amount of protein a body-builder needs in terms of grams(g) to consume is an equivalent of half of the person's body mass in pounds(lbs), e.g: I weight 140 lbs, so I need to consume at least 70g of protein each day if I want to build muscles. However, most of the time my daily protein intake is less than 70g, so I need protein drinks to provide the additional dietary protein in order to build muscles). Note that additional protein will not be stored in the body but will be excreted as waste products, so don't think that the more protein you consume, the faster your muscles grow. Besides, it'll be more effective for your protein drink to be absorbed by the body if you have it at least 30 mins before you begin your workout. You don't want to have it right before your workout and end up puking them out.

By providing protein that's inadequate in the diet and having it before you workout, the results of your workout will be more significant and growing muscles couldn't be any faster.

OMG I sound like some personal trainer/nutritionist/doctor. Be warned that the above statements are only my personal theories, be sure to consult a REAL nutritionist/doctor if you want to know how to grow muscles in a relatively short time. My theories are based on internet researches and my knowledge in Biochemistry only, even I myself isn't sure whether it's gonna work or not.

Darn, it's already 4:30AM, how much sleep can I get? I'm having Dim Sum for breakfast with my friends at 8:30AM!

Dim Sum here I come!

It's Getting Hawt In Here

Was surfing the web and I saw this:


Bet most of you already know who this hunk is. Nick Beyeler, a 33-year-old world aerobics champion and covermodel is my current favourite. Ever since he bagged the "Year 2002 Sports Aerobics World Champion" title, he became well-known throughout the world and his new found fame helped to make himself noticed by people in the modeling industry. His well-known work in the modeling industry is to model for DNA magazine, a famous Australian magazine, nude, with only a piece of red silk to work with.

In an interview with DNA magazine, according to Nick himself, when he was photoshooting for DNA magazine, the friction between his bare skin and the silk stimulated his body(does that mean he had an erection? :-O) but he wasn't embarrassed at all! Of course he wasn't! He didn't need to because he's pretty well hung himself!

Also, somewhere in his interview with DNA, he was asked if he's a bisexual. He did not deny but he did not admit either. However, his statements kinda point towards him being a bisexual. Besides, at the end of the interview, he was asked whether he has anything which he wished people didn't know about, and he said "I think it got mentioned somewhere above". Having read his whole interview report, the only thing which he could possibly wish that no one knows is him being bisexual. And I did not make assumptions because really, the whole interview was about his career and out of the very few questions related to his personal life, the only thing he could possibly not want people to know (yet?) is him being slightly bent. I could be wrong, but I'm currently unable to produce a link to the interview. I do have the last spread of the interview though.


In the meantime, I'll look for the site which I got this picture from. Sorry for having short-term memory.

Ugh, after writing about Nick and searching for the interview, I've forgotten completely the other things I want to blog about. Until I could look for the interview and remember what I have to blog about, some juicy pics of Nick for everyone.


Update: The whole interview of DNA magazine with Nick can be reached here.

Fresh New Look

Hi all! As you all can see, I've made some changes to my blog. The reason I'm keeping my blog's interface so simple is that I want to deliver my message as effective as possible. So, goodbye to the colourful background, goodbye to the fancy but useless flash animation, goodbye to anything that'll only slow down the loading speed. From now on, it'll be "http://error24355.blogspot.com/" and "voila! The page is done loading in less than a sec!".

I understand the feeling of waiting and waiting but whatever you hope for did not load as you wish it did. My internet connection sucks and I find browsing very challenging, even though it's the 21st century where technology is supposed to "rock your world". Well, it did rock my world, just not the way I was told when I signed up for broadband internet service.

My apologies for keeping the blog totally black and white because I can't decide what colour goes well with the other and that my connection sucks so much it can't save the template. I'll try doing it again but not now as I need to get some sleep. Had been out all day hanging out with family and friends.

Talk about hanging out all day. Can anyone tell me where is the best place to shop for clothes? I was at 1 Utama this afternoon and nothing seems to interest me. The t-shirts at Armani Exchange look so fugly that I thought they were cheap imitations of the brand which we usually see at Petaling Street. There were nice bags and jeans, though. But I cannot afford them as the bag and pair of jeans cost RM699, EACH. Then again I might get the bag if I have enough money left after buying an iPhone.

Is Pull and Bear new in Malaysia? We have it in Moscow but I think the range of clothes in Moscow is wider than that in Malaysia. The prices are about the same though. They have some really nice clothing and it's really worth the price. Though they're having sales now, I think that they might have a further price reduction before autumn. In Moscow, they had 2 further reductions after the initial sale price and lucky me got a t-shirt for RM15 and a pair of jeans for RM50. It doesn't sound that cheap to people living out of Moscow but RM15 for a t-shirt is considered very cheap to one who lives in Moscow.

Right now I'm choosing to buy between an AX and cK underwear. I want to buy both but there are many other things that I want to buy. Should I just get both or just get one for now and get the other next time so that I could buy other stuffs?

Here We Are Again

"OMG Sam is SOOOO cute!"

I'm all over Sam, I know. It's so stupid to go all gaga over a STRAIGHT guy.

Yes, I can finally confirm that Sam is STRAIGHT! My last bits of hope for him to be NOT straight are now gone.

Yay, a huge slap to myself!

OK, I'm being dramatic.

Anyway.

For the past two years, I've been all over Sam and almost every entry that I post has something related to him(super no life, eh?). It sucks to not know whether a guy you like swings your way or the other, and it sucks even more when you know the truth. And who goes around saying "knowing the truth wouldn't hurt"? That guy is so going to deep-throat me.

But then again, now that I know the truth, my life will be better than before! My life has been revolving around him for far too long. It's always about looking good in front of him, behaving good in front of him. You know, things that'll make a good impression. Now that I know the truth, I can spend more time sleeping instead of grooming(it's sad but I mostly groom myself for him), I can spend more time concentrating on things that actually mattered(I spent most of my time oogling him during lectures), I can be in control of things(I used to try my best to stalk him, even if I needed to sacrifice my lunch breaks and my time with friends), and so many other stuff.

Now that I know the truth, I can start hunting for other guys(I'm not the regular guy who changes his target very often, I'm loyal OK), and I need to hunt fast. After all, Sam has wasted almost 2 years of my youth.

So, I'm now deleting Sam from my life, and I'll make it official when I'm ready to move on with life. I know I said it once but I didn't know about his orientation at that time so it didn't count. This time, Sam's gonna be out of my life. Mark my words!

The Art of Feng Shui

I'm finally back home to enjoy my summer break. It's been 9 months since I left home, and many things changed when I wasn't around. There're several new stuffs which I never knew existed at home but what really shocked me was the drastic change of the furniture settings of my house. The sofa set and the dining table found their new positions in the house, some paintings were moved, and the worse is that my brother and I switched rooms.

The reason behind this? You know it already.

Feng Shui. Seriously, is this the best explanation you can give? Mom, dad! What's with your minds?! Feng Shui master said that Quan Yin "wasn't here", you performed some rituals to "invite Quan Yin into the house", fine. Feng Shui master said that cooking should be done in our wet kitchen instead of our dry kitchen(which we did) because we're "burning money away", fine. But to switch rooms?! That's a bit too far.

I came home on the weekend thinking that I could finally sleep on my own bed, in my own room, but when I was told that my brother and I switched rooms because my brother's room "suits me more compared with my room", I almost fainted.

Well, I still get to sleep on my own bed, but I no longer get to sleep in my own room. Not that my brother's room is small or what(it's actually far bigger than my room, I pity my brother for having to switch rooms with me), it's just that we only moved into this house several years ago. I wanted the bigger room but my brother got it because my uncle who happen to "have some knowledge in Feng Shui" said that the bigger room suited my brother and the smaller one suited me. Now that I've accepted to stay in the smaller room for the next decade until I graduate and will be able to own a house, I suddenly got to stay in the bigger room. Now that I've got a bigger room, it seems that I don't have to move out so soon!

But still there are adjustments which has to be done.

My brother had a tailor-made built-in wardrode which I don't fancy, but I have no choice now but to use it until I have the money to take it down and build myself a new wardrobe. Now that my room has enough space, I'll have a tailor-made built-in 'L' shaped work station so that I could own a personal desktop and still have enough space to do paperwork(and leave some trash lying on the table). I'm also going to own either a plasma TV with surround-sound system or a huge bookcase to house my books. I think my parents will only give the green light to the latter option, as I'm still living under their roof and they wouldn't want their son to have everything in his room. Computer, internet, cable TV and cool sound system, who would want to leave their room besides eating?

I'm a lazy pig, I know. But then again, I won't be in Malaysia for long. I'll only be back here during my summer breaks for the next 4 years. Until I graduate, I won't/can't do anything to my room. Who knows? Probably I'll have new plans for my room in the future.

I think I'm adapting well to my new room, hope that my brother's doing just fine too. Things have never been fair to him all these years. I always get the bigger piece of cake, I always get things from my parents, I'm the parents' favourite child, and the list goes on. Despite all this, he still loves me, a lot. He always buys me food and brings me to go shopping. Even when I'm in Russia, he still buys stuffs for me whenever he sees something that he thinks I'll like.

I'm such a loser as a lil' brother. Really, I should stop being so self-centered.

The New Temptation

As the title suggests, there is a new temptation in my life now. I don't even know whether it's a temptation or not but I do hope it is one because my life sucks big time now, thanks to the stress of the upcoming finals and boy issues.

Finals! It's finally here, and there's nowhere I could run to hide away from it. You study, and study, and study, and study, but it's never enough. You find that your brain is too tiny to accomodate all the information of a 800-page Biochemistry textbook, you find that you know nothing about Physiology, you find that 24 hours is not enough to be called a day, you find that the exam is riddiculous, you find that yourself is being riddiculous for choosing this profession over other professions.

Great. I truly regret insisting that I'll "come to Russia to study Medicine no matter what". Only people who can't think in their right minds would come to Russia to do Medicine as the course they offer is nowhere near satisfactory, plus Medicine isn't that great anyway.

To hell Medicine and all the people practising Medicine!

Enough about me complaining. Medicine is a great subject, no doubt about it. I wanted this, I saw it coming, and I'm gonna face it like a man! A bi man, I mean.

OK. So, new guy. I'm not exactly sure what's the situation like now but I do hope that I didn't get things wrong. There is this guy I got to know recently - well, I can't say I know him because I don't even know his name - and we've only talked twice, and this incident occured during our second conversation.

This new guy, let's call him X for now, is 2 years my junior and is an Indian. I don't know why but recent years, I have a liking for Malay and Indian guys but still, whites are always my first choice. I saw X in school today and here's what we talked:

X: Hey! What're you doing here?

Alex: Oh, just waiting for someone.

X: I see. Oh yeah, you guys have exam today right? How was it?

Alex: Yup. It was OK, MCQ is nothing compared with oral exam.

Then he went to do his stuffs while I continued waiting for my friend. After doing all his stuff, he was preparing to go home. Before he left, he said goodbye to me, wished me all the best for my exams and other good stuffs you would say to a person when he/she's going to sit for exams. I swear I was shocked to hear so much from a person I barely know. Maybe he's too friendly, but I think he's more than that. I mean I hope he's more than what I think he is. He's not the hunk everyone would fall for but he's definitely the cute boy nextdoor whom we cannot resist from liking.

Seriously, how many people you've met that would wish you "all the best for exams, blah blah blah" the SECOND time you guys had a conversation? I daresay that for most people, the number is 0. Maybe he's too friendly, maybe I'm thinking too much because I haven't get any chance to lay my eyes on Sam recently due to stupid exams but hopefully this is a new path unfolding itself for me. Everyone needs a backup plan, and he would be a great one if I can't lay my hands on Sam.

Just Say You Love Me

, please.

Stop giving me stares. Stop looking into my eyes. Stop smiling at me. Stop getting my attention. Stop being cute.

How hard is it to come to me and say those few words? Say you love me, say you adore me, say you like me, say you want me to be your freaking boyfriend!

Or at least say you want me to be your fuck buddy.

Seriously, what do you want? You always peek at me thinking that I'm not aware of it, you look right into my eyes and smile at me whenever I catch you peeping at me, you try to be near me whenever you get a chance, you're making all the small moves but you just can't bring yourself to come forward and talk to me.

I may be the one who should be making the move since I'm the elder one but you know I won't because I'm PASSIVE. I'm not that kind of guy who would walk up to you on the streets and say hi, I'm not that kind of guy who would voluntarily make small talks, I'm not that kind of guy who would do anything at all unless the other party starts doing something. I feel insecure, I'm afraid of failures, I'm socially retarded. I know what I want but I don't know what you want.

Stop making small moves, they don't help. Give me hints. Clear, significant hints.

1 more month to go before the summer holidays. Which hostel should I choose when I return for the new semester? Should I follow you to the hostel with sucky internet service which you'll be going and continue stalking you or should I choose the hostel with kick-ass internet connection where I can meet other guys online where I have chances of dating someone?

Help me choose, Sam.

It's Your Birthday

It's Sam's birthday today.

Yay.

I'm not anyone important to him anyway.

Why am I feeling depressed? So what if I didn't see him today and wish him happy birthday? Not that it mattered, at least not to him.

Why am I making my life miserable? The feeling is far from being OK. It sucks, to the max, actually. Yet, I have no intentions to get myself out of this misery. I wonder why.

Because I like a person whom I know will never love me back at all? That's the best explanation I can come up with now. It's stupid, I know, to love a person whom I know will never love me back. But isn't that what love is all about in the first place? Unconditionally without asking for return.

But that's not possible in the 21st Century. Well, at least not in Malaysia, not with a Muslim guy!

OK, I should stop babbling, now.

Anyways, Happy Birthday Sam! May lady luck always smile your way, may the God of Prosperity bring fortune to you and your family, may you score good grades in your exams, may you have good health, may you have friends that'll be there for you when you need them, may you have the bestest of life! I'll always be there for you, so don't be afraid to fall. I'll definitely catch you before you fall. Or at least I'll get someone to catch you, since I should be aiding you from a distance without your knowledge.

Enough crap. Happy birthday again, Sam.

Obsession, Again

I'm currently obsessed with Sam's jacket. It looks like the one which I've been looking for a very long time. Even the colour is the one I've been wanting!

We have something in common, at last. I'm still thinking whether I should ask him where he got that jacket from the next time I see him. It's common among the girls but it just doesn't seem right for a guy to compliment another guy's jacket and ask where he got it from.

Alex: Hey honey, nice jacket you have!
Sam: Really? Thanks!
Alex: The material's really great. Where did you get it from?
Sam: Oh, it's just a Dolce. Do you want to feel it?
Alex: Of course! May I feel you too?
Sam: Pardon?

Sam may not be fashionable but he does know how to choose clothes, especially jackets, that look nice on him. He has that potential in him to be a high-fashion metrosexual, but he chose to be an ordinary guy. Many people, incuding me, struggle to be metrosexuals but kept failing. I never got a hair-cut that suits me, I never get eyewear that suits me, I never get nice accessories, I never get nice footwear, and my wardrobe is a disaster. I've been attempting to get wardrobe make-overs but it always end up as a mess. I'm currently rebuilding it again, hopefully it'll be a success.

Anyway, this post isn't dedicated to Sam or to myself, but to Handsome. Yes, Handsome is a new guy which I'll be introducing to this blog but he wouldn't be making much apperance in this blog because today's the first time I meet him and I suppose I won't be seeing him much as he's a student from another med school.

Handsome is an Indian, about 5'7", and he is the most handsome, most good-looking Indian guy I've ever seen. Not only me, but my friends think the same too. According to a friend, Handsome was his college mate and he's one of the most handsome guy in college back then. So, it seems that my taste is quite good, eh?

I never knew Handsome existed until tonight, when I attented some sort of Indian New Year event. He was an usherer in the event, so he had to wear a suit. He looks god-damn good in the suit, as though he's born to look nice in suits. I envy him very much as he's so good looking and looked so good in a suit(not everyone looks good in suits).

I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing my way but no harm having a little crush on him, eh? Crushes are good for the soul, it's proven. Damn, I can't get him out of my mind. All that features are what ALL men and women like. Whoever thinks he's not handsome is simply blind. Oh god, I have to see him again. The next time I see him, I'm gonna make sure he notices me. No harm sending some signals too. Who cares whether he swings my way or the other? If he swings my way, good for me. If he doesn't, no worries. He's from another med school, we won't see each other often, even if words get out that he's freaked out by a weird guy from another med school, he wouldn't have the chance to show who the weird guy is and eventually, he'll forget about it and move on with life. What a great plan isn't it?

I know I'm crapping a lot. My brain had shut down. I might not recall how he looked like when I wake up tomorrow morning but right now, all I know is that I need to blog about him, and how I wish he's on my bed now so that I can taste him tonight. Flings are good for the soul too. It's proven.

Love Is Overrated

As the title suggests, in the 21st century, love is nothing more than a game. Trust? Virginity? No one cares about that anymore. Boy tells girl to trust him but he's having an affair behind girls back or even worse, boy says that girl didn't trust him enough, so boy wants to break-up because he can no longer be together with a person who cannot trust him, but the ultimate truth is that boy is cheating on girl A with girl B and this is just his plan to break up with girl A so that he could be together with girl B and not look like the bad guy.

Virginity? That's not important anymore. What's important now is how many people have a person slept with compared with his peers. Boy A has slept with 5 different girls in 2 months, boy B has slept with more than 10 girls in the past 3 months, so now boy A is trying to get more girls to sleep with him so that he wouldn't lose to boy B. Girls? Girls A and B are batchmates. Both of them slept with guys from their batch and they openly compare the boys' sizes in public. Boy 1 is small but he's good at it. Boy 2 is big and he's good at it too. Boy 3 is small and bad in it too. So, girls' conclusion is that the next time they want to get some fun, boy 2 is the one.

There are worst things that I've heard, but it would be unpleasant to post it in the net. The bottomline is, love has lost its value compared to before. You can still treasure it, but if it's gone, don't be too upset. Invest in something more real instead, like golds and diamonds!

P/S: I've heard that many people like(d) me, but I can only assume that they're desperate. Why? I know where I stand in the handsome/hot/cute scale, and my rank is definitely not high enough to get such popularity. Either the standards are altered due to the lacking of handsome/hot/cute guys around or the people here are just too desperate. Honestly, both reasons are true, but I think the latter has bigger influence on this.

Torment

I can't not love Sam.

He's cute, he's charming, he smiles a lot, he's friendly. He's the guy anyone would want to have as a boyfriend.

I thought I could've just forget about him and move on with life. I was dead wrong. I've cut off all possible contacts with him by not attending lectures, by leaving for classes later tham him, by not going to places where he usually goes. But it lasted for only 2 months.

Several weeks ago, I was involved in some sort of activity in which he's also involved in. I tried my best to not have any contact with him by keeping myself busy with my own chores but I think because of this, he noticed that I was one of the very few people who did their jobs well and not talking too much. In fact, I was the only person who not only completed my own task but also helped to complete others' tasks. He came over and we talked a little, and he even told me to get enough rest after the event.

Sweet, yeah? This was where things went haywire.

Since then, my subconscious mind keeps telling me that the fact that he asked me whether I was tired after doing so many things and that he told me to get enough rest means that he cares for me. Plus, whenever he talks to me he calls for my name first. Like, finally, he knows and actually calls me by my name!

It was also the fact that we actually had a conversation that I can no longer pertend as though he's a mere acquaintance. Whenever I see him now, I have to smile and say 'Hi' to him because he's more than an acquaintance. Plus, he's the friendly guy who goes around saying 'Hi' to everyone, so it would look as though I'm anti-social if I choose to ignore him. And thanks to his million-dollar-winner smile, my heart melted once more.

Come to think about it, he does that to everyone! Why should I be so happy then? If he does that only when he sees me, then I should celebrate la! But still, even if I cannot have him as my boyfriend, I can still have him as a friend, right?

Piece of Me

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They're still gonna take pictures of my derriere in the magazine
You want a piece of me?

Yeah baby, you sure do want a piece of me!

I am super hyper right now! I.GOT.CHECKED.OUT.BY.A.GUY.IN.THE.LIFT.YESTERDAY.

Ahahahahahahah!!

I know I'm making a big deal over this matter. I'm sorry to waste your time but heck, I rarely got checked out by a person and I'm definitely gonna blast this news into the blogosphere!

Well, maybe I do get check outs but I never knew. I wouldn't even know that I got checked out this afternoon if my friends didn't tell me. Once again I'm saying that my gaydar isn't functioning well because it's wavelengths are interfering with my straightdar(is this the correct term?). It still hasn't got fixed, and won't be fixed any time soon, thanks to my couldn't-care-less attitude.

This incident occured in the afternoon when I was back from school. This guy walked past us(my friends and I) in the lobby of the hostel and my friends went "look! There are four girls and a guy here and that guy looked ONLY at Alex!". I didn't know what they were trying to say, so I asked:"Why do you guys say so?". According to the girls, that guy is gay because they once saw him check their male friend's ass out. But it's only their assumption as there's no solid evidence to prove that he's gay.

When we were waiting for the lift to arrive, the guy came back. As usual, the girls teased me by saying that the guy came back for me and that I should go introduce myself to him and befriend him. Luckily, the lift arrived soon enough to save me from their teasing.

Or so I thought. The most we entered the lift, things became worse. The guy stood on my front left side, facing towards me and he took a great time checking me out. He actually dared to check me out in a lift filled only with girls besides me and him. My friends observed the situation and there they go trying to prove their point that he's gay. "Look, he's checking you out again. There are girls around him but he's looking only at you!" Really, he checked me out from top to toe and kept observing my facial expressions. But what blew my mind was the thing he did before exiting the lift. He looked at me and made a SLOW 180 degrees turn before exiting the lift. He wanted me to look at him from different angles!

At that point, the only thing holding me back is the fact that my friends don't know I'm bi and I'm not ready to come out to them. Seriously, if my friends weren't with me the whole time, I think I would've already pounced on him in the lift itself. He's not bad looking, he's not Asian(tho I'm Asian, Asians just don't seem to turn me on alot), plus he has that sexy facial hair which I love most in a man(I think I really have a fetish for facial hair). And those beautiful, charming eyes too.

No way I should pass this one, rite?

This Is Life

Nothing makes sense. I know nothing. I understand nothing. Studies, things around me, anything at all. I know nothing about all these.

Really, I don't even know what on earth am I supposed to do. I may be a medical student but inside me, there are several other MEs. One of them wants to be a fashion designer, another a model. Then there's one who wants to be a stay-home dad. Really, there really are so many of us in one body it starts to bother me. A lot.

To be a doctor has been my ambition since young, so here am I in a med school trying to get a medical degree. Well, the thought of becoming a fashion designer sprouted only about 2 years ago but it's influence on me is very strong. It made me more self-conscious on what I wear, which is good. What's not good is that I'm becoming a critic. Not only am I now a fashion critic, I'm basically a critic of everything. Luckily, my inability to draw helped in repressing the inner devil. If not for that, I think I would've ditched med school for an art school and become a worse critic.

Stay-home dad. Who wouldn't want to stay home and look after their own kids? Given the chance, I would stay home to take care of my kids and I'll make sure that they'll grow up the way I didn't grew up. I'll send them to a mandarin-speaking elementary school, then to an international high school. Later, they'll do their Pre-U course in a well-known college before flying off to the countries which give the best education for the courses my kids will be pursuing. That's only for their academics. For co-curricular activities, I'll make sure they take up either drawing or piano lessons until they've reached 8th grade. All of them must take up swimming lessons but not involved in it too much before puberty to prevent stunted growth. Before they enter college, they'll have to learn the art of fine-dining. But the most important thing is to make them read, listen, speak and write good English. Off to the British Council they go!

If only women cared less about who being the breadwinner of the family. If only I ever get married. Sigh.

Enough about that. Let's talk about my fantasy of being a model. Honestly, who doesn't want to be a model? Often, people don't get to be models because they don't have what it takes to be. This one reason is more than enough to eliminate more than three-quarters of the population on earth of becoming a model. So, what it takes to be a model? To be a male model, one should stand between 5'10 and 6'2 tall, 6'0 being the preferred height and wears a size 40 suit. When you've passed these two criterias, other criterias come in. Weight, posture, bone structure, looks. You name it.

I stand at 5'11. 6'0 may be the preferred height but hey, I'm Asian, 5'11 is not too bad! Unfortunately, I only wear a size 36-37 suit. I might be an inch shorter than the preferred height but my chest is at least 3 sizes below the standard size! Besides, I'm under-weight. People my age and my height should weight 70kgs and above but I'm struggling to maintain my weight of 60kgs! Posture? I can stand as tall as 5'11 but most of the time I stand only at 5'9 or 5'10. Reason? I freaking can't stand straight. Most of the time of my life I hunch my back when I walk. The condition was worse when I was young, but it's better now that I've come to realise how serious the situation was and made the effort to get my posture right. People need to have broad shoulders too as they look nice in a suit and also sexy in a plain tank top as they swing their arms when they walk. Facial characteristics are very important too, but their degree of importance differs according to needs of different fields. Say, a cover guy's looks is more important than a runway model's because chances of people looking at a cover guy on a magazine is higher than a runway model. But I don't mean that a runway model's looks aren't important! Thus the question:"What does an Asian has to offer to the modelling world?" Most Asians don't have squared jaws, don't have pointed nose, don't have much facial hair to boost the masculine looks. I'm just a typical Asian, plus I have thin eyebrows and looks of a 16 year old! Besides, my hair is bad. Seriously, how many 21 year olds out there who're self-conscious but just couldn't get the hair that suits themselves? I prefer my hair short but my friends say that I look better with medium length hair. Maybe it's time to just pay more to hire a hair-stylist to decide what's best for me.

Sigh is the only thing I can do now, but I'm not gonna give up. When I return to Malaysia, I'm going to consult a nutritionist on what I should eat to gain weight. Then, I'll hit the gym and pool to build up some muscles. Supplements are a need to help gain weight and muscles faster. I'll also sun-bathe and this time, I'm definitely getting a tan(last year, I tried getting a tan but failed). About my looks and my thin eyebrows, let steroids do the work. I suspect it's because of the insufficient production of testosterone that caused the thin brows and the stunted maturation of my looks. Hopefully by then facial hair starts to grow. Facial hair is so sexy. And no, I'm not talking about having a goatee. Something like what Jeff Pickel of America's Most Smartest Model has will do.

Look where my fantasy has taken us to. Sigh. If only I cared less about how I look and am more satisfied with what I have now, things would've been better. But since it has happened, the only thing I can do now is to keep improving the way I look. There's no room for failing!

Love Is Beautiful

At this very moment, I wish to be loved. Well, love as in a boyfriend or girlfriend kinda love.

The feeling of being loved is so good, so good that I feel that I'm the biggest fool to ever let it go.

It's been 18 months since I broke up with my ex. It's been 18 months since I last kissed another person(besides my mum, duh). It's been 18 months since I last held hands with another person. It's been 18 months since I last felt love.

There are several candidates along the way but I just can't bring myself to feel whatever I'm supposed to feel. I definitely have moved on, though I still miss the times when I was with her.

Ever since he appeared in my life, nothing feels right. There's always this urge to know more about him, to befriend him, to be part of his life. Compared with 12 months ago, nothing much has changed, besides me knowing facts about him and he knows nothing about me.

The only person to be blamed in this case is me. I was not ready to part with her, I Was not ready to travel so far from home for my studies, I didn't have enough faith in long-distance relationships. I like him, and still do even after I found out that he's straight.

But my stubborn brain just doesn't want to register this piece of information. Really, how often do you meet someone who can really play futsal, knows nothing about fashion, doesn't cook well, exceptionally good in studies and the only time he's out of the hostel besides attending lessons is to restock his groceries to be gay? Or bi.

OK. Guys who play the male role in a guy-guy relationship often display characteristics of a straight man, but we non-straight guys know whether another guy is straight or not. Gay men don't usually play futsal. Even if they do, they can't be anywhere on the top. Gay men SHOULD at least know something about fashion, if not more. I can assure you, he doesn't even know the fashion world exists.

Well, cooking. I don't cook well too, but I at least try! I seldom see him cook, and most of the time when I do see him cook, it's fried rice or some simple chicken dishes. He is straight! But my brain thinks otherwise. The "signals"? It's just me. Dear old obssessed me, hoping that there's a slight chance that some things within him are bent.

Look where my obssession is driving me to. Totally out of the topic.

Back to love. So yeah, I want to be loved again, I want to provide love to the person who loves me, I want to love the person that I love no matter he loves me back or not.

Love me please, Sam.

It's All Happening Again

As the title suggests, it's all happening again. But what exactly is happening all over again?

What - more precisely who - else if it's not The Great Sam? He's like, the only person who's been able to screw me around(literally of course) for the past whole year?

I'm tired of pretending as someone who's not myself, but I'm not ready to come out yet too. At least not to a bunch of homophobes who happen to be the people I hang out with for the past one and a half years and also happen to be the only people I'm quite close with and also happen to be the people I can't afford to lose in a foreign country where they're the only people I can depend on.

Besides, I won't be able to endure the critics. A senior came out of the closet several months ago and since then, people have been talking about him. Not very pleasant comments about him but they weren't that bad too. I suppose it's like this because people can accept the kind and friendly part of him but can't accept the gay part of him. After all, you can't just stop befriending a person whom you've known for more than 5 years just because he's gay. Not when he's super kind and friendly.

But what am I? What do I have to offer to others to continue to be my friend? I know I shouldn't be thinking like this because true friends wouldn't ditch me just because I'm bisexual, but things don't work that way when one's studying abroad.

Heck, just when I thought bisexuals would be treated way much better than homosexuals as bisexuals still share certain extent of interest on both sexes when they hang out and check out people with their friends.

After that much of babbling, you all must've realised that I think too much and always feel insecure in everything. I realised that too but I can't do anything about it. This is how my brain functions and I obviously hated it.

Sam's Friendster profile show's that he's "married", he has a ring on his hand which I assume is his "wedding ring", he's super famous among girls as he plays futsal very well. Everything about him yells "I'm-way-too-manly-to-be-gay". But I still secretly hope that even if he's not gay, he can still be bi.

I know it's stupid, but I just can't accept the fact that he doesn't like guys the way I hope he would. Not after the "signals" he's been sending to me all these while. A smile, a hand shake, a "Hello" and "Goodbye", small talks, occasional glances and other little stuffs.

Recently, I thought I was over him for real as this is the first time I actually didn't melt whenever I see him. And this lasted for 2 weeks. It's really some great achievement.

But it all shattered so fast. Over the weekend, I went to watch my friends(and him) play futsal. There was this net-like thing covering the court so that the ball wouldn't hit the audience. The distance between the net and the seats for audience is less than 50cm though. So, he was walking around and when he passed-by the place I was sitting(I sat on the front row), he brushed his fingers on the net and left. Of all places, why the part where I'm sitting?

Not only that. After one of my friend's match, my friend came and sat beside me. Sam was walking around beside the court again and he stopped to talk to my friend as my friend hurt his hand during his match. It's not wrong dropping-by to say "Hi" but mind you, there were many spectators surrounding the court and the net covering the court obviously worsens one's vision if one were to look for someone else through the net from inside the court. There were a hundred(or more) on-lookers and he easily spotted my friend. In fact, he only spotted my friend when he walked past the place I was sitting. The only reason I could came up with is that he knew where I was sitting and when he walked past that area, he glanced over at me and saw my friend sitting beside me and so he came over.

You can't just walk past somewhere random and then saw someone you know through the annoying vision-impairing net-like thingy right?

Shit, I'm getting all hyped up again. See, that's why I say all these craps are happening all over again. They really suck to the very max.

Tribute to Heath Ledger

Heath Ledger fucking died!

The last time I heard of him, he was alive and showed no sign of dying. But he just freaking died. When I am on a trip to Italy, with limited time and place to online.

He freaking died on me! Without me knowing, if not because of the insignificant line on XiaXue's blog!

And I thought it was not true!

Overdose of drug?! No way! How is that possible?! This is too much for me to handle. I feel as though the world is crumbling. Too much of information to register.

I need someone to hold me. A hot guy will do.

The Bitch Way

It feels good to be a bitch. Being bitchy is SO good for the soul.

When I was young, I hated bitches mainly because they're bimbos. Never wanted to have any sort of contact with them. Thought that they're just some immature people who live in their own glamorous world, don't give a damn about anything at all, look down on people, insult people whenever they get the chance. Basically thought that they're just a bunch of low-life organisms.

It was so wrong. They're doing this because they can! And we're disliking and hating them because we're jealous!

Don't you anti-bitches out there make a big fuss over this matter. I'm only stating my opinions.

Now, if you allow me.

People act like bitches because they can. Say, Paris Hilton. People say she's a bitch, and they dislike her to the max. They think that she's useless. Well, people should take a closer look at her. She's a jewel! Why is she a bitch? Because she's an heiress and is wasting her family's money? Oh please, Miss Hilton said she didn't get allowance from her parents after high school. Ever single cent she's been spending after high school has been her own money. Her own, as in she earned it herself. Well, since she's a bitch, she might've lied. Why do people care anyway? If you're not satisfied with her fate of being born into a rich family, start working harder to at least be a millionaire so that you or your children can also live the glamorous life!

And before you guys think of her as a stupid person, think again. She's not stupid AT ALL. She's smarter than many people out there who have nothing better to do with their lives besides bad-mouthing others. At least Miss Hilton has her own line of perfumes, hair extensions and her solo album. Probably she pulled strings to make these things happen, and they probably involed money, but who cares? The only reason why anyone would care is that they're jealous of her.

Back to me hating bitches. Never liked bitches when I was young, never liked them even during high school, but things changed when I entered college. It was a college well-known for it's partying students before excellent grades the college produces each semester. It was then I realise that there is no point hating them. Though it's a party college, it never fails to produce good grades every semester. The reason? It's because the students balanced their lives well. They know when to be bitchy, when to study hard.

Still, I never accepted the life of a bitchy student, mostly because I couldn't balance my life between studying and gaming, what more partying?

But it doesn't mean that I didn't acquire the ability of being bitchy.

After college, I rushed myself into med school. Here I am, in a foreign country for the sceond year, without my bitchy friends and family to back me up when I need their help. The key to survival is to be bitchy whenever needed. But the thing is, I couldn't bring myself to be bitchy to anyone. For many years, I've been brought up not to be bitchy, it's not easy to just forget about things I was taught and be bitchy.

Which is why people take advantage of me. And when I refuse to be taken advantage of, I become the bad guy. I'm the selfish one, I'm the one making a big fuss over a small matter, I'm the one 'who used to be a good friend but has changed'. Most of the time I'll just take in the crap people throw in my direction, thinking that by doing so, people will someday realise the amount of crap they're throwing at me and will at least reduce the amount, if not stop totally.

The plan so did not work out. Not only are they throwing more crap at me, they're spreading rumours about me! So cannot make it la these people, claim to be adults but do such things to people.

Tsk tsk.

Someday, I shall unleash the bitch within me. They should know how bitchy I can be. Then they'll show me some respect.

Man, I'm already a bitch by posting such an entry! But who cares? I own this blog. I get the right to say whatever I want, and no one gets to judge.

2008

Happy New Year 2008 everyone! May this coming new year bring good luck to all of us in all aspects!

Sorry for the super short entry because I'm currently very busy!

Happy New Year again!


xoxo

What's That Smell?

I'm a bad cook. I could barely prepare a meal for myself, what more for others?

I so pity my future partner.

I'm not good at preparing meals, but there are a few dishes that I'm able to prepare without making the dish taste awfully bad.

But that was the past. This semester, I couldn't prepare a proper meal for myself, not even once! Either the egg was burnt, the vege was tasteless or too salty or chicken tasted like fish. I even burned my fried rice.

YES, FRIED RICE WAS BURNT! For God's sake, I think I'm the only person in my batch who's still able to fry rice until it burned!

Porridge. Has anyone tasted super tasteless or super salty porridge? I have. There isn't a single time where I've cooked an edible pot of porridge. Either it's tasteless or it's too salty because salt was the only thing I add into my porridge. I've tried putting onions and meat in porridge but still it tasted so much different from the porridge other people cook.

Maybe I don't have talent in cooking AT ALL. I should stop cooking so that the world shall not suffer from the food I cook for them to eat.

The porridge I just cooked is a bit too salty and the meat is barely cook.

Bah.

***

It's not wrong to watch gay-themed movies, right?

Apparently my friends are thinking that I'm gay because they say that I have "a collection of gay themed movies", which is like what, 5 movies out of more than 60 movies I currently have in my hard disk and DVDs? It's less than 10% la please. If I own more than a dozen DVDs which contains gay themed movies then maybe you can start suspecting la.

I'm not gay OK, just a half gay la. Haha.

But it's a good thing for people to think that I'm gay and me saying that I'm not gay because I memang isn't gay. I'm not lying to them so there's nothing wrong with it. Besides, if Sam gets to know about this, it might be a good thing for both of us. Not only can he confirm that I'm HALF gay, he can come express his feelings for me without being afraid that he might scare me off.

I'm so sick la. My friend said that I might had Obsessive and Compulsive Disorder. I kinda agree la actually. I so need a psychiatrist now. But what la, if Sam likes me then don't la sometimes keep paying attention to me, sometimes don't even look at me, then sometimes avoiding me, then sometimes so happy to see me, make me confuse nia.

What the hell la, who says ceffeine can keep you awake? I drank 2 cups of coffee liao still feel sleepy like shit. Need study for Anatomy somemore, can die la.

That's Not A Freaking Wedding Ring Is It?

Life is so screwed that I feel like dying.

Seriously.

I'm back to the old me, stalking other people's Friendster account. I'm such a loser.

Exams are killing me, my liking for some people is killing me, the thought of some person not liking me is killing me.

Basically everything's killing me.

Friends are saying that I'm taking things too fast. I should be friends with Sam first, then slowly develop from there because our friendship(?) do not have a very strong base and that without a strong base, the friendship won't last long.

I wish I could have control over my brain and actually make it stop thinking about everything about Sam. But I can't. I just can't.

I'm so depressed now I feel like jumping off a cliff and just die and that my corpse will be food for sharks.

Nitey.

P/S: His Friendster profile says that he's "married". I guess this explains the ring he's wearing. It might not be what it seems but currently, my perasanness is making me think so. My perasanness is so gonna kill me someday.