Enough About You

This sucks.

It's been almost a year since I broke up with my ex but my heart has yet move on. When we first broke up, I regretted doing so because I realised that I should've given long distance relationship a try because "who knows what'll happen in the future". But what's done is done, and all I can do is wait for a chance to propose to her again.

It never happened, the proposal. Silly me wanted to ask her the question in person when I return to Malaysia for summer vacation but before I could do so, someone else did it.

That happened more than 6 months ago.

It's been 10 months since we broke up, but I have never stopped loving you, even after I knew that you have moved on with life and is very happy with your current BF.

Ok, that wasn't true. I've always loved you, until the day when I found out from a friend that you are playing the game of love again. You were already in the game for months, but I never knew. We were supposed to be "very good friends" even after the break up, right? Then why don't you tell me about it? You know I'd be happy for you!

Why are you always emo whenever I sound so cold, whenever I don't wish to share my problems with you? You are not any better yourself. You never tell me anything about youself, even when we were together! Don't say "it's because you never ask", you were never concerned about me either.

I'm such a loser. Even a girl can bring herself together and move on with life. All I do is run away from reality.

The feeling of being loved is like drugs, one never gets enough of it. It's been 10 months living without getting the feeling of a partner's love. No one's there to greet me when I rise in the morning, no one's there to give me support when I'm feeling down, no one's there to lend me a hand when I'm going through hard times, no one's there to share my joy, my everything.

For the past 10 months, I've met loads of new people, and among them there are a few whom I desire, of course, but my desire for you was overwhelming to the extent that it didn't feel right to have the slightest liking for them!

But it's all gonna be over now. I will, and I WILL stop loving you, even as a friend. Not only does it not feel right, it's completely not right for us to keep in touch anymore, no thanks to your pestering.

"Ooh, so what's new?" "hey got study or not? muz study k!" "hey long time din hear from u, busy ar?" "hey y u sound so cold? u hate me is it?" I may not be brave and rude enough to agree with you with the last statement but yes, I sound very cold because if I don't do this you're gonna continue milking attention from me while you're giving your boyfriend heads. This has to end now!

I swear I'll stop loving you, stop feeling sad when I see pics of you and your current BF, stop being jealous when I look at the captions like "me & my lou gong zai" which you wrote for your pics, stop browsing your online profiles, stop talking to you, stop every single possible contact with you. STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Ok, I'm OFFICIALLY single and available. Whoever(guy/gal) wants to buy me a drink can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com! Do it quick before I leave the country!

Flames of An Undying Friendship

Fantasies are evil.

Why so?

Friends come and go. Some stayed longer, some left earlier, and some(well, actually almost none) stays forever. And I'm proud to say that at 20 years of age, I've met a friend which has yet(yes, YET) to leave my life.

I've known this friend for a very long time(probably 12 years now) and I don't see any sign of him leaving my life. He's been a very good friend AND neighbour since primary 2. We'd travelled to school together for countless times, went to the same tuition centre, played computer games and soccer together, stayed over, and loads of stuffs. Though there are times where I and he both found our own groups of friends to mix with and had spent lesser time for one another, we have yet leave each other's lives.

It's a blessing to have him as a friend, though he's not perfect(neither am I so what am I to complain). But he's HAWT, no doubt about it. And since we were such good friends doing most things together, there were times where we both got a lil' naughty and went over the lines, but not to the extent which destroys our (still is)blooming friendship.

But naughty me does more than just actions. Like any other HEALTHY BOYS, I fantasize about him too.

*blushes*

But it all ended after high school. He went on to Form Six and I went to college. We never talk or meet that often anymore, no thanks to him always failing to reply my SMSes and me not dedicated enough to maintain this friendship. And it got worse when I have to pursue Medicine overseas. How can I expect to maintain this friendship so far away from home when we've both failed to maintain it when our distances were nearer?

A year has passed. I thought that what's left of our friendship is a pile of dust on a photo album which has not been cleaned for centuries. But I was wrong.

I went over to pay he and his family(we were neighbours for 9 years!) a visit last evening, and I found that he was very excited to see me again. It's been a long time since I last saw and talked to him. We have sent each other not even a SMS throughout the whole time I was overseas. The feeling of thinking of losing a very good friend sucked, and I'm glad I don't have to continue thinking of it and feeling sucky.

It's really great to be back and be in touch with my long 'lost' friend. We are all grown-ups now, and few years from now, we'll all be serving the society, me being a doctor and him being a pharmacist(that is if he passes his interview for a seat in a local Uni!). We both have travelled this far together, and although there were times where we both got separated, we have proved to the world that our friendship is solid. It's there, and it cannot be broken by anything in this world.

But then again, now that our friendship is becoming stronger, fantasies about him are coming back too. He's HAWT, after all. But I heard he has a girlfriend already(but he would've told me!). Oh well, it's only a matter of time of when will they break up. Not that I'm jealous of the girl, it's just that the girl is the LOA type and he's just not the kind who cares enough about anything at all. He should be looking at me, recalling the things we've done, and pick me instead!

I'm the one, the ONLY one who deserves him. Hahahahah.

Boy, I'm gonna have to stop thinking about all this before my brain is corrupted to the point of no return!

It's only been an hour since I left his house and I can't stop thinking of him. I believe, and I know that for 24 hours from now, I'll be thinking of him non-stop.

Somebody stop me!

Eternal Summer

Hey there everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted an entry. Had been busy with stuffs. My deepest apologies.

There are many things I want to blog about, but I just couldn't blog them out. Everytime part of me felt like blogging, another part of me would occupy myself with loads of work. I don't know why is this happening but somehow, it became a routine. Whenever I feel like blogging, I'll tell myself that I'm busy and I'll find some other time to blog.

This explains why I hadn't blogged for more than a month.

Was busy with exams the whole month. It was finals for my first year in Med School afterall, had to do the best I could or I'll regret when things get tougher in the future, especially when it'll be tougher to score good grades. Had been busy shopping for gifts for relatives and friends too. Again, it's my first year studying overseas, I cannot not bring anything back for everyone, can I?

Not to mention the times I wasted on being depressed over people who don't deserve it.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be back home. For the next 2 months, I can be stupid and lazy. I don't have to look at Medical textbooks(Anatomy, gasp!), don't have to prepare my own meals, don't have to do my own laundry, don't have to drag myself up to school early in the morning and returning home late in the evening, and the best thing is I can play all I want! Oh dear internet, I miss you so much!

After months of waiting, I finally got my hands on one of the best Taiwan movies, Eternal Summer. It was out last October but I didn't have the chance to watch it as I don't have internet connection there and none of my friends watch such movies.

Sad, right?

Anyway, Eternal Summer was really good. My patience finally paid off, after months of waiting and dreaming of it. Haha.

Joseph Chang is so hot!! And cute!!

But then I was kinda disappointed with the ending when Shane(Joseph Chang) indirectly rejected Jonathan(Bryant Chang). EVERYONE agrees that Joseph Chang is HOT and it's really sad that he chose Kate Yeung instead of Bryant Chang.

It's cruel, just like reality. We just won't get what we hoped for, no matter how hard we pray, how little we sin, how many good deeds we have done.

Sigh.

But then again I strongly recommend this movie! Unlike other movies with shitty actings, this movie is one of the best I've ever seen. I rarely watch Taiwan movies but I couldn't stop watching this one as it has really good standards. They can enter Oscars lor I tell you, especially Joseph and Bryant Chang. As for Kate, she needs more practise. Sorry la, but that's the truth.

I'm not saying this because I'm a sexist k. I admit I like Joseph Chang(*blushes*) but it wasn't the reason why I'm promoting him and not Kate k. Kate is good too, just that she needs more practise compared with the 2 actors.

Aih, if only I have a boyfriend as cute as Joseph, I will do anything for him. Anything!

You Mind Pushing That Bone Nearer, Master?

I went for a great party last weekend. Initially it was supposed to be a party among us Malaysians but as the party went on, more and more foreigners joined us. In the end, there were more foreigners than Malaysians.

Ok, so that was how the foreigners joined our party. I had to cut it short because that wasn't the main point.

There were these 2 extremely cute guys in the party. 1 was from Turkey and another from Poland. At first I didn't know they speak English because they kept on speaking Russian with us until they told us that they learned English back in their country. We were sooo excited! Since then most of the conversations were in English.

The guy from Turkey is the hyperactive type whereas the Poland guy is more sensible. The Turkey guy loves attention so much! Whatever he does, whatever he says, he has to make sure we all heard him. Well, not ALL but those people whom he's talking to at that time. He is such a big monkey, running here and there and wants to be in almost every single picture we take. And believe me, you will never see him putting up a serious face because he's just too playful!

And guess what? He is such a PLAYBOY! One moment you'll see him cuddling a girl and say "she's my girlfriend", another moment you'll see another girl cuddling him from behind and say "he's my boyfriend", then another moment you'll see few girls all over him, one cuddling his body, one cuddling his legs and one playing with his hair. He loves people touching his hair so much, exactly like a puppy! So adorable!

I think he is absolutely straight since he's such a 'player', but what he did to me was definitely out of my mind. Whenever he sits beside me, he'll place his hand on my lap and actually feel my skin. Then, when he's sitting on my left and is trying to get something from somebody sitting on my right, he'll place his arm on my lap to balance himself while getting what he wanted. I don't think it's really normal because I knew him for less than 10 minutes at that time! I do know what whites are friendly, but I didn't know they were THIS friendly!

We had a small talk among the 2 of us but it didn't last very long because we were interrupted plus he cannot speak good English and I can't speak good Russian. I felt he was flirting with me because he asked me lots of question about myself. Yes, MYSELF! Usually foreigners would ask questions like where do we come from, what do we have in other countries and all other general questions, but he asked me questions about me myself! He generally asked us where do we come from, then he just turned to me and started talking to me only. He's not interested in them, he's interested in me only!

Well, at least that was what I thought. I hope the flirting could last longer, but he just couldn't sit still. Soon after we were interrupted, he went to talk to other people and when he returned, he turned his attention to one of his 'girlfriends'. Later, he and his 'girlfriend' went home because it was getting late and they were sleepy. Even when he was leaving, he had to make sure everyone sees him leaving.

So cute lor!

The guy from Poland came after the Turkey guy left. At first he was with another group but later came to hang out with us. He said his name is Борис but I doubt it's his real name because 'Борис' is a Russian name.

The Poland guy looks and acts more mature than the monkey(=p) and it really turned me on. He may not have the body of a sex god(he's fit la), but his thin moustache makes him look neat and masculine. Whenever you're with him, you feel secured. That's the feeling he gave me.

He talked about his country, about the activities he did, his experience and stuff, but I cannot tahan him banging me lor. He thought Malaysians speak some strange language and I defended by saying if Malaysians were to speak some strange language, we wouldn't be able to communicate in ENGLISH. Then he tried talking in Russian and I told him I can't understand and speak Russian very well. That was a wrong thing to do. The moment he knew that I couldn't speak and understand Russian well, he started banging me by saying things like "if you want to speak and understand Russian language well, you have to practice! Like me, I've been here for 3 months already but this is the first time I've been speaking English so much! If you don't know how to say something in Russian, try using other words or use body language to make other people understand you! *blah blah blah*". Just because he can speak English and Russian well doesn't mean he can bang me like that. He's so mean.

But then again it just makes him look more reliable. <3

How I wish they could stay here longer. All of them are leaving end of June and they won't be coming back to this country anymore. Sad, isn't it?


P/S: I might be paying a visit to the Turkey girls' room together with some of my friends who're going back to Malaysia soon. I'll try to ask them to call the Turkey guy to go over and join us. I'm so gonna ask which room he lives in and I'll tell him mine too and I'm so gonna hint to him that my roommates are leaving soon and that I'll be all ALONE in the room and that he can come by to visit me sometimes. If he's REALLY interested in me, I'll do anything to make him come to me, since I want him badly too! If he really is interested in me and really does drop by at my room after my roommates have left, I can't imagine what'll happen. He'll grab my hands and push me into the room, locks the room door, pin me onto the bed and make me beg for him to do something to me, perhaps? Who cares if he's going back to Turkey next month and not coming back anymore? It's the experience and memories that'll last forever.

PP/S: I'm such a horny dog! God please forgive me!

Men SUCK

I'm sorry but I feel like screaming now.

*screams hysterically*

****

I've just watched "She's The Man"(sorry but I'm always slow when it comes to movies) and GOD, there are so many guys in there! To be more accurate, cute and hot guys!

Look at that healthy tan of Justin(Robert Hoffman)! He's like, the best looking guy in that movie! What else can you ask for from a guy who's not only good looking but also has a very nice tan? Plus he's a soccer player! His body is just so pretty! Not to forget that charming smile and smooth skin! He can easily melt someone's heart without even doing anything!

Then there's Paul(Jonathan Sadowski), the hairstylist! He is so CUTE! The hair, the cute smile and his taste when it comes to dressing! He's like, the best boyfriend one can ever have! It's sad that he showed up quite little in the whole movie but he made every appearance memorable! I wish my boyfriend is as alert as Paul is when it comes to dressing, but first, I need a boyfriend!

As for our leading actor Duke(Channing Tatum), I think he's quite a turn-on when he's half naked. He may not have those charming looks like Justin and Paul, abs like a typical soccer player but he's kinda cute in a different way. He looks like more mature than the other 2 and looked even better with that not-so-smooth skin and a little scar under his right eye. It makes him look more rugged and make others feel secured when they're with him.

I wish my boyfriendS are as good-looking as Justin, as cute as Paul, as rugged as Duke, as good his taste when it comes to picking the nicest clothes as Paul and most importantly, as sensible as Duke. Guys who only lust for sex can rot in hell. Same goes for those who think that they can screw arund with other people's feelings because they're Prince Charmings.

But first, we need less straight guys in this world.

"Statistics show that there are at least 1 homosexual within 10 individuals, but we think that there are more of them out there since not all of them has the courage to admit who they are."

Yeah, if there are 1/10 in statistics, X/10 if "there are more out there since blah blah blah", then why are there still so few homo and bisexuals in this world?! Why have I yet found a NON-STRAIGHT guy? Almost every single guy I met is straight!

"1 in every 10 individuals"? I say it's 1 in a million. If it's so, I might as well put more hope in women, since "9/10 chance they're straight". The probability would've been lower saying "I love you" to a lesbian than to a straight man, which means that good chance I won't get beaten up by a man and calling me a "queer".

Seriously speaking, the leading actress Viola(Amanda Bynes) is kinda cute too. I can actually consider having her as my girfriend, since most men suck.

Lame joke: If men SUCK, why are they straight? Wouldn't they all be gay? Seriously dude, they SUCK!

Part II

As I've said in the previous entry, I'll most probably be moving to the first hostel next year whereas my boys will be moving to the second hostel. Even now, when we're staying in the same hostel, we have very little chance to see each other. Needless to say, conversations are very rare. I can't imagine what'll happen when we move to different hostels next year. Still normal friends? Or friends no more?

Many people will ask me to think which is more important in my life: better accomodation for the next couple of years but suffering from not being able to see and talk to them or, suffer from poor accomodation for the next couple of years but being able to be with them? I know this question, but I don't know the answer.

Many things have came across my mind. There are many possibilities, sometimes too many that I don't know which way I should take. To tell the truth, compared to the first semester, now I barely talk to the Indian guy. We only say 'Hi' to each other when we meet at the corridoor, sometimes talk a lil' bit when we're at our batchmates' birthday parties. As for the Malay guy, I rarely see him in the hostel. When we meet each other in class, we only say 'Hi' to each other. Our conversations were much lesser than between me and the Indian.

I barely know them. Is it right to make decision based on people I barely know? Does it really make a difference if I choose to move in to the second hostel? We're in the same hostel too now but I don't see how good our relationships are. Move in together with them and sort things out slowly since we'll be seeing each other for the next few years? Some things just won't change no matter how hard a person tries. Like this case, when I and the Indian were in the same class last semester, I did try talking to him, making jokes together and all. But this semester, the friendship we(or only I?) built seem to just evaporated for no particular reason. As for the Malay guy, we didn't really notice each other's presence the past few months, until one day when we were both late for a lecture and we sat together the whole lecture. But then it was lecture, so we didn't talk, just smiled. Since then, whenever we see each other, there'll be the usual 'Hi' and 'Bye' but no proper conversation.

If I don't move in to the same hostel as them, I'll definitely regret for the next few years. But if I move in to the same hostel, things might not turn out fine. There are risks, but both choices deal equal damage. How am I supposed to choose?

What if one day I realise that what I have for them is merely a crush? It'll definitely be devastating. I can't imagine myself doing so many things, sacrificing so much for people who're nothing more than just crushes.

What if someday I find out that they're straight? Both of them! Straight! I'll definitely kill them then commit suicide. It's my fault for not finding out their preferences. But then again, not that I've not tried! I once saw the Malay guy holding hands with another guy BUT THEN I also saw him going online for several hours chatting with a girl. But then again, I always see him hang out with his guy friends only. What does that mean? As for the Indian, he always seem like a shy guy, but sometimes he does things that impress many people, including me. I don't know whether it's true or not but I think he only does those stunts when I'm around. But then if he's trying to impress me, why is he not making any effort to work things out?

But as I've said, I don't know what their preferences are, and all these things might be very normal but in my brain, they're analysed to make me think that they're doing them to impress me. I really wish that there's someone whom I can trust, whom I can share my problems with. One who can actually communicate with me through talking, not SMSes or thru blogs or MSN. Things would've been better then.

I'm not asking for many, just one. One such friend is all I need.

Which hostel to move? Do I have real feelings for them or they're merely crushes? What is the next step I should take? I need a friend to help me through this. Really.

Part I

2 months from now, it'll be the end of second semester of my Medical course. When I return from summer holidays, I and my fellow batchmates will be moving to permanent hostels as the current hostel we're staying in isn't permanent hostels. By the way, permanent hostels mean these hostels are owned by the University and that when we move in to them next year, we won't be able to switch hostels unless there are spaces. And since now the University has trouble placing us in permanent hostels as the spaces available aren't enough to support the whole batch of my year, so if I were to move in to, say, hostel A, then most probably I won't be able to move to hostel B, unless I wait for 1 year for the seniors to graduate. Even then I'll have to fight for places with my juniors.

Back to topic.

There are 2 hostels owned by my Unversity. The first hostel is the newest hostel which was built 1.5 years ago, so in terms of accomodation, internet service and distance from University, this hostel is the best, as the second hostel was kinda old and is quite far from University. But the second hostel has more spaces compared with the first hostel, which means that most of the students of my batch will be moving to the second hostel and only a hand full will be moving to the first hostel.

It took me quite some time to decide which hostel I want to move in. In terms of accomodation, the rooms in the first hostel are bigger and much nicer than the second hostel. In terms of transportation, the hostel is only 5 minutes walk away from the metro station and it's about 20 minutes walk away from the University. In terms of who will I be living with for the next couple of years, I'm fine living with my current roommates, so we planned to move together and stay together again.

So, me and my roommates discussed and finally decided to move in to the first hostel. Everything's much better in that hostel, and everyone else in my batch wants to move in too, if there are spaces available.

But the problem is, most of the students staying in to the first hostel are my groupmates, which means that if I really do move in to the first hostel next year, I'll be seeing them from day till night, whereas my other batchmates who live in the same hostel now will be staying in the second hostel and I won't be able to see them besides in lectures. It'll be very depressing as I'll be missing out lots of birthday celebrations, group cookings and going to each other's rooms to play games, discuss about homeworks and bitch about things.

But the most depressing thing is that I won't be able to see my boys anymore. The Indian will be moving to the second hostel as his gang is moving there. The Malay will be moving to the second hostel too since he's a government sponsored student and I bet our government won't spend more money to give their students better accomodation.

Sigh.



P/S: This is the first part. The second part will be out later because I'm very sleepy now and I want to sleep. Part 2 won't be short, so I thought I'd better sleep now so that I'll have the energy to write later.

Lub, Dub?

The pain I sustain is unbearable. Everytime I see them, my heart ached as if I'm experiencing heart failure. No one understands how I feel, no one knows what I'm going through, no one cares for my insignificant existence.

I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.

The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.

I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.

I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around him to see whether I'm there, I just acted as if I didn't know he had entered the train. In the school before the classes start, we had eye contact in the corridoor but we both turned away very soon. After class ended, when we got out of the metro station, I did not get up to the same bus as him. He knew I was there but he too acted as if he didn't see me. Until now, I've not seen him.

The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.

Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?

Simple And Clean, Not

I seriously pity myself. Someday I'm really going to regret that I've been spending my whole life sleeping, eating and playing. My life is so boring that there's nothing to blog about holidays, unless you think that sleeping for 10 hours a day and spending the rest watching movies, eating and day-dreaming are things worth blogging.

Well, new semester began yesterday. Only the first day of class but was late for Anatomy lecture(everyone else's late too, btw), met my new Anatomy lecturer which made us do things we've never done before during practical class(she actually made us draw the digestive system of human and label them in both English and Latin!), met this Histology lecturer who gave the first Histology lecture and as usual none of the students understood what was she trying to say. Not to forget, only a total of 30 minutes breaktime for a 9 to 5 class. Ironic.

Will be spending every Thursday for the next 3.5 months dreading to attend lectures and practical classes. Sigh...

As expected, saw the both of them during Anatomy and Histology lectures today. My mind is tired of this but I just can't help looking at them. Brain has problem analysing signals as usual, can't take my eyes off them, mind went blank and there I was, sitting in the lecture hall, my hands and ears on auto-pilot.

As expected, I won't be able to get over them unless I have no contacts of any sort with them. It's impossible not to see them unless we're staying in different hostels. It's impossible not to see them unless none of our classes occur to be at the same place/time. It's impossible not to see them unless I track them down and avoid them as much as I can.

But these are impossible because we DO stay in the same hostel, none of us can escape lectures and plainly because I can't afford buying tracking devices. Well, the last one is just crap, nevermind that.

Is it true that despite being mentally strong, a person can never be normal when he/she comes face to face with the person he/she likes? I'm quite a big help when it comes to helping others solve relationship problems(as my friends all claim), but when it comes to my own relationship problems, I just couldn't handle it myself. Nothing seems to be right. Eyes don't seem to see the truth, ears don't seem to hear properly, brain seems to be analysing things wrongly, body actions are so weird that I sometimes fear that my body will betray myself.

I'm slowly losing co-ordination, not knowing what's right and what's wrong, not knowing what's the truth and what's not, not knowing why am I feeling like this. I'm already physically deteriorating. Used to make sure my hair looks good in public, make sure my breath doesn't stink, make sure I wear decently and never leave my accessories behind. But now, what's left are a not so satisfying hairstyle, still decent but not so up-to-style clothes, a jacket which looks like the one every average kid owns, a nerdy bagpack, spectacles which screws are loose and am not bothered to tighthen them, and accessories which I've smartly left behind at home. Basically, I now look like any average, boring kid anyone can easily find anywhere. Everyone in my university says that I look totally different from myself back in college. But there's nothing I can do. How am I supposed to get a desired hairstyle if I can't communicate with Russians hairstylists? I don't have enough funds to make myself dress better because it's not so good to ask for so much money from parents when they've already paid for my tuition fees studying abroad. I want to buy accessories but what's the point of wearing them if they only make myself look more horrendous? Imagine an average guy with that standard haristyle and not tastefully dressed wearing rings on his hands, necklaces and piercings, probably?

That should stop or everyone reading this would be foaming in front of their computer monitors. Haha.

Well, the fashion part has nothing to do with me falling for them but I think that if I were to dress like the old me, I might at least get some attention from them. If only I have a hairdresser and my accessories with me, things could've been better. The way I look now is so horrendous that I myself might probably get a heart failure looking myself in the mirror. No joke.

No, don't make me start making everyone imagine something horrendous and start foaming again(if you did just now). Well, that's all for today. In desperate need for comments! Everyone do comment k!

Nitez!

Dancing Fire

Most crushes don't last long. Usually they only last for days or weeks. Sometimes they may last for months but only in very rare cases that they last for years. I'm glad mine lasted only for 2 months.

I once had multiple crushes at the same time and the period of the crushes lasted for almost a year. It is actually quite terrifying when I think of it now, but I'm glad that I'm now in a different institution from them. But still this isn't part of what I intend to blog about.

Anyway.

For those who has been reading my entries, you all should know that I had 4 crushes, which later reduced to 2, a Malay guy and an Indian guy.

When I initially started having crushes on them, I thought it would be very hard not to develop feelings for them, and even harder when I started being emo over things that they do. I once cursed the Malay guy for suspecting him having a boyfriend and later found out that he might have a girlfriend but still was sure that he's gay. I once got very upset because the Indian guy had chicken pox and almost cursed the person who infected him.

But, a month of holiday was worth it. Turns out I'm starting to have less interest on them now. Saw the Malay guy in a supermarket few days ago. He had a hair-cut and look very, VERY cute, but had only managed to make my brain go haywire for less than 5 minutes. Before this, seeing him for 10 seconds a day was enough to get me 'high' for few days. I guess it's a good sign. As for the Indian guy, I saw him at the corridoors on the floor I'm staying at(we stay in different floors, in case any of you has forgotten) talking with our batchmate. Attractive as usual, but I walked away just like that. Well, I did turn around and walked past the same place several times but later when he suddenly disappeared, I didn't feel nervous or anxious at all. In fact, I just acted as if nothing has happened and within minutes, I've already stopped thinking about him. Also a positive sign I hope.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that when the next semester begins, I'll be seeing them quite often again and that I might start having crushes on them again. I have very low immunity for cases like this, and I really don't hope that I'll have crushes on them again. This is a 6-year course and I don't wish that I'll be spending all of it having crushes on them, stop, and then having crushes on them all over again.

I'm tired of this. I don't want a forest fire which was put off few moments ago to come alive again and continue burning the forest until nothing's left.

I just don't want to.

Relationships Are Based On Lies

Have you ever seen someone who has never lied?

If you do, introduce me to that person. I would be more than happy to meet that person.

No one's perfect, and a relationship, any relationship, would use the help of some lies to make things better. It would've been better to lie to your girlfriend that you didn't go to the bar to get a drink than telling her the truth and having her suspect that you're having an affair. It would've been better to lie to your wife that you have erectile dysfunction than telling her that you don't want to have sex with her because you don't find her attractive anymore. It would've been better to tell your parents that you're busy for the weekend and wouldn't be able to visit them than telling them that you're sick of travelling 500 miles every weekend to visit them. And the list of lies goes on.

Lies are not necessarily negative. Some people lie for bad reasons, some claim to lie for good reasons, but some claim to lie just for the fun of it. The bottomline is that everybody lies, no matter what the reason is.

So, the next time a person says he doesn't lie, he is actually lying for saying that he doesn't.


P/S: Yes, I do understand that my points aren't stated out clearly and this entry is far too short than it should be. Have lots of things to blog about, but I just didn't have the mood to make myself write.

Hey There Hottie

What if a hottie takes a pic of himself and make it as a handphone theme? ANY PLU would've died just to get the handphone theme, right?

Well, lucky me have found one of the greatest thing on earth. Well, at least for now that makes it the best thing on earth to me la.

Was browsing the web to look for new handphone themes and I came across this theme where a hottie posed for a pic and then made it a handphone theme and distributed it all over the net. He's EXTREMELY cooool in that pic and even though the pic covers only from his head till his naked shoulders, it's more than enough for me to put me into fantasy. *ahemz*

If only I come across such gorgeous man in my life, I would've died happily. IF only.

But I'm not sure bout all these sometimes. At times I feel that I still love my ex-girlfriend very much, but when I happen to meet a hunk/hottie/cuttie on the streets, I swear I would've given all my life to any of them. Seriously.

Which is why I'm currently in a dilemma of whether I should return to my ex or give myself more time to explore. I love her, but yet I'm afraid that I'll hurt her again if I'm with her again for some time just to find that I'm more into the same gender.

I'm in need of professional's help, NOW. My brain, the signals and my desires are killing me, fast. I'm becoming more humane, and I don't like it. I'm losing the abilities to guess people's mind, give wise advices, prediction and most importantly, self-help.

But then, until I know what's going on in my brain, I'm going to act as if I'm just an innocent human who's obsessed with fashion. Yep, that shall be it.

Oh by the way, it's been quite some time since New Year but I have yet to make any New Year Resolution(s), I guess now's the time to do it.

My New Year Resolutions are:
- to turn myself into another personality, again
- buy more designer clothes(since I'm gonna be obsessed with fashion)
- dress more classy(no point learning the attitude but not dressing well)
- put on more weight(preferable muscle mass; well, have been saying this for thousands of times but no actions were taken, hopefully this time's for real)
- getting myself attached(preferably a guy for now since I've yet to try a guy-guy relationship and I think it'll provide me much help in deciding my sexuality)
- completely stop the 'sissy' teasing by my friends(few more steps only, I can make it!)
- last but not least, to do well in exams(I do study k!)

This entry has totally drifted away from the main point. But then again, it has saved me lots of time from writing more boring entries. Should do this more next time, save the interesting stories and post them all in one entry. What a brilliant idea!

Some pics of MY hottie(whoever has this theme better delete it before I hunt you down and murder you for keeping my hottie in your filthy phone, heh):

And yeah, the pics are ALL the same. He's too hot ma, what to do?

In Search Of A Guy Who Loves Me

The Malay dislikes me, the Indian dislikes me.

Well, at least that's what I think.

Ever since the incidence which occured in the internet cafe, I've never seen the guy because it's holiday now and we live in separate floors of the hostel, so yeah, it's almost impossible to see each other.

As for the Indian guy, I'm not sure whether to consider myself lucky or not. Saw him in the lift this morning(Monday morning, I mean) and since I wasn't really prepared to seeing him, I forgot to say 'Hi' or 'Good Morning' to him. But he didn't say those words to me either. Not even a smile. He just acted so cool as if I did not exist, but I didn't really feel disturbed for being ignored like this. When the lift doors opened at gound floor, he just walked out of the lift, quickly. That was when I got really pissed and decided not to bother about him anymore, for today, which I really did. And I'm proud of myself.

But still, I don't think I deserved to be treated like this. I mean, I can accept if he doesn't say hi to me because I didn't greet him too. But, walking out of the lift quickly as if he's trying to run away from something? Not that he's late for class or anything!What's working in human minds? I'm starting to feel so lost, not understanding humans anymore. Is it because I'm becoming more and more human that I'm losing the senses? I don't know.

But 1 thing which I'm sure: I've been rejected by 4 previous guy crashes already and I'm not liking the feeling. At times I just feel like I'm not meant for games like this. I'm too tired, very tired.

Should I back out of this game?

I Hate Malays

Seriously, that Malay should just go fuck himself.

I fucking saw him chatting with a girl online for more than 3 hours k! A GIRL! 3 HOURS! FOR A VERY EXPENSIVE INTERNET ACCESS FEES!

Don't tell me it's just a normal friend cause I was sitting beside him initially and he already was chatting with that girl but suddenly he just switched to another computer and continued chatting with the girl k! Got so many things to talk about meh! Somemore go keep on viewing her Friendster! As if I'm interested in their conversation!

Well, I actually do have interest in their conversation, but not until the extend that I'll go peep at his comp k. I'm not some desperate guy lusting for another guy. Only cheapos do that. And I'm glad not to be one.

Found out that he's a government sponsored student. Found out that he might not be gay(but cannot deny the fact that I saw him holding hands with another guy!). Found out that he might have a girlfriend.

I think that he noticed me checking him out and that he has interest in me and was actually talking about me with the girl(it's HIGHLY impossible, I know, but just can't help thinking about it!). I hope I don't scare him away.

There goes the dream of holding his hands(he either has a bf or a gf and I'm not an evil man who'll go steal another person's bf), telling all my PLU friends and those who know that I'm bi that he's my boyfriend(even if he's gay, he probably doesn't prefer Chinese), staying together in a country which accepts us for who we are(as government sponsored student, he has to either work with the government for a certain period of time or return government the money, and I think he will choose the formal choice).

SIGH!

To make things worse, I dreamt of him and his bf k! They were together! In MY dream! Instead of me and him, it's him and his bf! FUCK MY BRAINS FOR COUPLING BOTH OF THEM INSTEAD OF ME AND HIM! AT LEAST SHOW ME SOMETHING WHICH I WANT BUT CAN'T HAVE IT IN REALITY LA!

I'm so sad now, until I'll just give in to any random guy(must not be too bad-looking) who sweet talks to me.

I-Am-Pissed

I fucking think that the Malay is gay. But I also think he has a boyfriend.

Fuck both of them.

Non-Merry Christmas

Chirstmas' coming soon. It's the time when people celebrate the festival with lots of cookies, turkeys, christmas trees, and yes, exchanging presents.

Will be exchanging presents with some other friends. Also planned to buy individual presents for my roommates.

What about them? One probably doesn't celebrate Christmas and the other one might be probably still sick to even bother about this festival. Feel like giving them presents, yet I don't know them well enough to give them Christmas presents yet.

Just imagine an almost complete stranger knocking up your room door, shove a present into your hands, wish you 'Merry Christmas' and then disappear into the darkness. Even a blind man knows what it means.

To make it even more obviously strange, a guy giving present to another guy whom he barely knows.

2 more days till Christmas, I'm so not looking forward to it this year.

*clucks*

The guy who has beautiful eyes and facial hair is down with chicken pox.

I wish I knew him good enough to go have a look at him and see whether he's doing fine. It's freaking weird for a person he barely knew to visit him when probably his other friends didn't even went to see him.

How's my boy doing now? =(

Crash!!

I.Fuckin.Have.Crushes.On.My.CoursemateS.

Of which 2 of them are Russians, an Indian and a Malay.

This is the first time in my life I fuckin fall for people which are non-Chinese. Well, fantasies with Whites are great, but this is the first time in my life I've ever meet them face to face, EVERYWHERE I go.

Russians are hot, and as Europeans, most of them have nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes and nice physical features. I don't know why but I think I have a liking for people who have thick and nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes, rectangular shaped face(instead of the usual squarish shape of the Asians), charming smile(of which when he smiles his cheeklines or whatever it is called will appear). Facial hair(not the thick ugly ones) would be a bonus. And like everyone elses' dream, a hot body. No one would've said no to a hot body, right?

But sometimes, I just go for the cute ones.

So, here I am, in Russian, a heaven of guys which meet my criteria. In my academy, I found 2 guys whom really caught my eye. One's not very good-looking but kinda cool+cute+blurrr look(did I say I LOVE those who look damn cute when they look blur? XD), the other one's kinda cute. Both of them are really cool naturally, unlike many of the others who tries so hard to act cool.

Then there is this Indian guy who has very beautiful eyes and very, very nicely shaped facial hair. His facial hair seem to know where to grow, and all their length seem to be the same! So fuckin turn me on. Haha.

Finally, this Malay. He, has features of a Malay, and yet he doesn't look like a pure Malay. His skin is quite dark, like the other Malays, but his facial features look a little like a Chinese. And yeah, he's kinda cute.

Fine, not kinda cute. Very cute. He's very, very cute. And it was why I fell for him.

But the problem is, My Russian language is so terrible I can at most tell the Russians my name, my age, where I live, which semester I'm in. And duh, my phone number. XD

As for the other two, it's not really easy to get to know them because they have their own group as friends. Like, we all know that most people only mix with people of their own race, so I can't blame them for always hanging around with people of their own race, and it'll look very awkward if some person of a different race walks to them and say "Hi, let's be friends".

So far, I've managed to make small talks with the Malaysians, but since they're from different groups(And again, most people only mix with their groupmates. It applies here too), it's not easy for me to find time to talk to them(since I usually make small talks in classes and when everyone goes back to the hostel in a group and when we're in lifts), and the holidays which are coming soon isn't helping.

How to get to know them better? How?

A New Life

Alright, shall not delay stuffs anymore, have to start blogging from today already.

3 months ago, I made this decision to come to Moscow to study Medicine. Everything was made in a hurry so even until today, I still cannot spontaneously tell a person that I did not regret making the choice to come this country.

It's known fact that one cannot expect much from this country as most of them don't speak English, their people aren't really civilised(as in them being rude to tourists, them spitting everywhere, reckless drivers, etc.), infrastructures need to be improved and most importantly, they need to provide internet access more easily. It's not easy to look for a place which has access to internet and even if a person finds one, the charges won't be cheap.

But still, I didn't face much problems in the past 3 months of residency in this country. Did manage to meet some people who speak English, people who are helpful, and luckily there is internet cafe in my hostel. The charges were expected to be high, so no fuss about it. Their public transportations such as buses and metros are really good. Time intervals between a bus and another(or one metro and another) is much shorter than buses and LRT/KTM/Star in Malaysia.

My roommates are much friendlier than expected, which is good because we could fool around with each other not having to worry that we'll hurt each other's feelings. Coursemates were good too. MARA and JPA students are way much better than expected. They really are good when it comes to studies, so you guys out there don't spread rumours saying the sponsored students(especially MARA students) are craps that cannot study and just because they're Muslims, our government will still sponsor them even of their low qualification. They're proven to be smart in their studies and I don't see any reason for them not to get sponsorships.

Stuffs here aren't cheap though. Almost everything's much expensive than back in Malaysia, but luckily there are some of my favourites which are sold cheap. A bar of Kit-Kat could cost up to RM4-5 in Malaysia but in Moscow, it costs only RM1. It's very cheap and ever since I discovered it, I made Kit-Kat and milk my breakfast everyday. May not be very filling and healthy, but it provides me with the energy I need to travel to the Academy every morning, braving the strong wind, snow, polluted air, heavy traffic and the remaining ATP to be converted to heat. =D

Now that I'm part of the Medical faculty, I understand why people come to Russia to study Medicine. Unlike other Universities which are 100% final exam based, my Academy's course grading system is 60% course work and 40% final exam based, which means there will be class tests for every subject every week for the whole course of a subject. This is to make sure students study more frequently so that they don't lose track in their studies, and also to make students' lives easier by having needing lesser time to study for final exams as they've been studied and graded before. All they need to do is to refresh their memories, unlike 100% final exam based Universities whose student will only study before finals. Besides, it's proven that only by studying consistently can knowledge be enforced into our brains, not for a few weeks, but for years.

But, not everything's alright. My brain is screwed recently, and I really want to blog it out but it's already late at night and I'm very tired. Will try to blog about it soon.

Random Entry

I really want to blog. I have a nice blogskin, many things to share, but the freaking template is not done yet! Screw this place which doesn't provide internet to hostel students. Will try my best to edit the template bit by bit, hopefully things can be done asap, then we can get into real business.

Maybe I should screw myself for deciding to come to this place. This place is crap.