The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part III

So, the second part of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX" ended with the 'date' of me and 'The BF' hanging in mid air. What happened after having ice-creams at Baskin Robbins'?

Well, on that day, there were events going on. I don't even know what event it was(you guys know how The Curve always has flea market and so many other events that people just go there to see if there's anything interesting going on). So, there were people selling this airplane thingy that so when you swing your hand and let go of it, it'll somehow fly and return to you(something like a boomerang).

This! I've shown this pic before!

I told him it looked fun and he asked if I wanted one. You know the answer.

Talk about the plane, I don't even know where it went. Can't blame me, I'm not a good keeper and that I'm well-known for misplacing my stuffs. Plus, our 'date' was only a few weeks before leaving for Russia. I was busy packing my stuffs and didn't know where it went.

I have a strong feeling I played with the plane too much that it broke and threw it away. Gotta go check if it's hidden somewhere underneath my pile of old clothes. If it's not there, I don't know where it could be.

So, that was our first 'date'. And it was a pretty good one. It could've been better if I had the courage to propose to him. But I didn't want to rush things. After all, we haven't been in much contact for the past 2-3 years and I don't want to go on a 'date' with him once and then ask him to be my boyfriend.

That was last year.

This year, things were different. I've been back for a month but we haven't gone out on a date yet. Not that I've not seen him yet, I did, just that we didn't get the chance to go out alone, as my brother's always with us. Or to be true I'm the one tagging along as they're my brother's plans to hang out. My brother didn't want my parents to suspect anything since him going out alone with "his brother's friend" doesn't seem right. So yeah, I'm the third person in the relationship, and I don't like it everytime we go out on a 'threesome date'.

Whenever we go out, my brother would have his hands all around 'The BF', indicating to the whole world that he's the BF and I'm just 'a random friend who happen to tag along'. My brother would also buy him meals and clothes, and when we eat he'll always offer food to 'The BF' and make 'The BF' eat from my bro's chopsticks. In a smaller frame, it's like two lovers enjoying themselves, but when you pull the zoom back a little, you'll see a third person sitting at the other side of the table trying so hard to not be jealous over 'The Bro' feeding 'The BF'.

But 'The BF' seems to know what's happening around him. Whenever he eats something from my bro's chopsticks, he'll only take the offer once. The next time my bro tries to feed him, he'll insist that he doesn't want the food, or he'll offer the food to me instead. It's like he can sense my jealousy. In order to make me feel better, he doesn't accept the food and offer them to me instead. I know, I'm a big time jealous pig.

Then, he would also get me food that I like. When I say I want to eat ice-cream, the next time we pass-by the kiosk, he'll ask if I want ice-cream. Or when we're having buffet dinners, he'll get me the food I want without me asking him to get them for me. Sometimes, it really looked as though he has two boyfriends. And he really handled both of them well.

There was once we went shopping for clothes. My bro and I made him try-on some clothes because we both thought that it's time for him to get a wardrobe makeover. There were some tees which he liked and some which he didn't. My bro was the one who picked the clothes but he came to me to ask if it looked good on him and which should he get(see how he handle both his 'BF's, he'll try-on the clothes BF-1 chose, but go to BF-2 for opinion. By doing this he'll please both his 'BF's). Of course, he bought the clothes which BF-1 chose but only if BF-2 agrees to them.

Philosophy men's having sales this Summer. If you get three items from the shop, you'll get 70% off. So, 'The BF' got himself two shirts(one tank top which everyone loved and one tee which both 'The BF' and BF-2 disagree to but BF-1 insisted that 'The BF' should get it). In order to get 70% off the bill, we had to get a third item. BF-1 and 'The BF' both said I must get something too since 'The BF' already has two items. I didn't want anything from the shop, but they made me get something.

In the end, I got myself a swim trunk. A size two swim trunk which is white in color! It's so small I could hardly keep my pubes, half my butt and my balls in. Wear this to any pool and all gay men would think that I'm there looking for sex. But the worst thing is that 'The BF' actually held the trunk at my waist and my crotch and check if it fits, and he laughed so hard and so loud. He even recommended that I try it on before buying. What was he thinking?! Really, it was the first time he'd ever measure if the trunk fits me and suggest that I try it on. The thought of him thinking of me in the tight swim trunk and trying it on and show him was too much for me to process. I think he sensed that, so he told me that I don't have to show them if I were to try it on. Being the ego loser, I said I know what size fits me and that there's no need to try it on. So I just took the trunk and paid for it.

After leaving the shop, 'The BF' complained that he was the only one who tried on clothes back then and that I wasn't 'sporting' enough. Dude, if I had a body like yours I wouldn't hesitate trying-on those clothes and showing them to you! I know it'd be a total turn-off if a stick like me were to try on tank tops and tees with necks so low my entire sternum(not pecs) will be exposed.

'The BF' also wanted a pair of jeans, so we went with him to several shops before finally stopping at Topman. 'The BF' tried on a pair of jeans but it wasn't his size(man, he was trying on a size-30 jeans! Size-30 is MY size!), so he made my bro fetch a size-32. When my bro left to get the jeans, something out of this world happened. 'The BF' stood right there at the changing room, one hand on the door frame and leaning against it, looking at me. He even gave me that sinister but hot look, asking "What do you want?". I swore if my brother wasn't there, I would tell him "I want you and I want you now" and I would push him back into the changing room and do him right there. And when I say "do him" I meant kissing him. I'm not even brave to make out in a toilet, what more a changing room.

'The BF' seems to favor me in many ways. He always asks for my opinion when he tries on some clothes, always knows if I'm jealous that he's letting my brother hug him and feed him(he would offer me things in return to make me feel better), always keep me near him whenever we go for 'threesom datings'(he would pull my shirt from behind if I wander too far away from him when my bro's around him), would brush his hands against mine when we walk together when my brother isn't around. Heck he even knows how to turn me on by posing like a horny guy, with that horny look and asking THE QUESTION!

"What do you want?"

"I want you and I want you now, dirty little boy."

But then at times he would be so cool and don't really give any shit about us. Hell he would also go eww-ing when we talk about homosexuality. Is it because he's trying to hide the fact that he enjoys the topic? Or simply because he's not gay/bi? I don't see a reason why he should be hiding from us the fact that he's gay/bi since he clearly knows that my brother is gay and that after all the encounter with me, even if I'm not gay(which is half true), he should know that I'm cool with it.

The only reason I can think of why he 'eww's now is that he's straight as a stick. Which I fear it'll be true. But I don't dare putting our 13 year friendship on the line to ask him to be my boyfriend(because I'm very sure if I don't pressure him, he would just lie and say he's straight even if it's not true and that if he really is straight, I would see the end of our friendship).

Hate to be always in the dark not knowing anything. And I hate it even more to fall for the same guy as my brother. Double WTFs.

End of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX". "The Irresistible AX"? It was just something random that came to my mind when I was thinking of a title of this series of posts. I just happen to get a knitted top from AX recently(my first AX product, sadly. But I'm a proud owner of Emporio Armani stuffs!), so just thought of letting the world know.

I know, I'm an attention-seeking bitch.

End of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX" series.

The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part II

Sorry for the delay, was very busy for the past couple of days.

So, part 2's gonna be about "The BF".

BF means boyfriend, but no, I don't have a "boyfriend" boyfriend. It's a long story, so leave this page now if you're not interested.

Well, remember how I talked about my brother and I not having the same taste for men? Well, it hasn't been always correct. For many years now, I've been liking this childhood classmate/friend/neighbour. But the thing is, he is my brother's boyfriend. Well, not really a boyfriend as my brother did not propose to him and that he's not really gay. I mean, I heard from my other friends that he has(had?) a girlfriend back in school(he went for Form 6, I did A-Level). Though he never told me about it, I took it for real as I don't really know if he's bi or gay. If he's straight, it's not wrong having a GF at his age right?

But the thing is we've known each other since we were 8, and we lived in the same neighbourhood for 10 years, and that we travel to school together every day, and that we go for tuition under the same tutors! So, being normal children, we grow up experimenting stuffs. We've grabbed each other's balls when we were young(all boys do that!), we've slept over at each other's house, we've whispered to each other at school and during tuition, we've lied on each other's shoulders or laps when we watched TV programmes and movies. Heck we've even held each other's hands.

But we were kids. We didn't really know what we were doing.

Though such incidents occured even until when we were 17, I've always thought that it's just us showing our 'brotherly' affection to one another. But at that age, we've already know what "gay" means, and I've already know that I'm bisexual. But him? He never claim that he's not straight, but he never say that he's straight either. I know that one doesn't need to announce to the world that he/she is straight because the world expects him/her to be straight. "Homosexuality is abnormal", no?

Ever since I left school for college and later to Moscow, we didn't really keep in touch with one another but when I return for my summer break, we would always hang out together. He's a passive person, so most of the time I have to make the first move. When we were on a 'date' last year, we watched a movie together. I paid for the tickets, popcorns and drinks, but he didn't thank me or whatsoever. During the movie, I wanted to hold his hands but didn't because it's been a year since we got that 'intimate' and I didn't want to scare him away and that I have no idea if he's straight or bi or gay. After the movie ended, I felt very cold as the temperature in the cinema was very low. After building up all my courage, I held his hands to make my hands warm. He stunned for a moment, asked what was I doing. I told him that my hands feel cold and I need to make myself warm. Thinking that he minded what I was doing, I removed my hands from his and continued to watch the credits roll. Then the most unexpected thing happened. He stretched his hands over and held my hands with them.

The lights in the theatre were already back on then.

After the movies, he treated me Baskin Robbins' ice-cream. We wanted to cam-whore, but there were people around, so we dropped the idea. It's the first time he volunteered to treat me something, and it's Baskin Robbins' ice-cream! We got ourselves 2 cones of ice-cream, and we shared them. In the very Baskin Robbins located at The Curve.

It was damn romantic OK. Couple watched movie, held hands, then ate ice-cream before heading home. It was perfect.

But then it could be just me. I mean, I paid for the tickects and popcorns. He wanted to be fair, so after the movie he treated me ice-cream. Simple as that.

Darn, damn sleepy now. Part III still on "The BF". Good night everyone.

The Same Word: Fuck

Apple knows how to do business. The whole "Twice as fast. Half the price" tagline plastered at their main page has flaws!

$199 for an 8GB iPhone 3G? It's only applicable to current iPhone 2.5G & AT&T users! If you're an AT&T subscriber but doesn't own an iPhone, check whether you're qualified for the offer. If you don't previously own an iPhone and also not an AT&T subscriber, you'll have to pay $399 for an 8GB iPhone 3G or $499 for the 16GB model.

It's written here.

Now you're making sense, Apple.

I was dumb enough to be fooled by the whole "$199 for an iPhone, so cheap your pants will drop!" scam. After all, Apple products don't come cheap, there's NO WAY an iPhone could be sold for only $199 when an iPod Touch with equal memory costs $299!

I should've known.

$399 for an iPhone? I'd rather spend $100 less to get an iPod Touch instead. After all, iPod Touch has all the functions I need: music, WiFi, maps, notes. I have a phone(which isn't all that OLD, it's less than a year old) so it doesn't really affect me much without the phone and SMS function. It's the 21st Century, who would pay additional $100 to get an iPod which can make phone calls and also SMS?

It's like, "OMG my iPhone can make phone calls and send text messages OK! Your iPod Touch cannot!"

Yeah, big deal. My Sony Ericsson phone can send MMS, can your iPhone do the same thing? No? Shut the hell up then.

"But my iPhone got Bluetooth lor! Your iPod Touch don't have!"

Bluetooth what? You Bluetooth is as good as non-existent. It can ONLY connect your phone to a Bluetooth headset. THAT'S ALL. Mine can send and receive files. Period.

"Um, um, my iPhone is cool OK!"

Er, I think my iPod Touch is cooler without the earpiece lor.

"My iPhone got 2MP camera! Your iPod don't have! HAHAHA!"

A camera in a phone? My Sony Ericsson has a 2MP camera too. And I have a digital camera and a dSLR. So... No, your iPhone doesn't seem appealing to me.

"But I have everything in the form of an iPhone whereas you need to send text messages from your phone, take photos from your camera and go online from your computer!"

True. My phone may not be as slim as an iPhone, but it definitely isn't as LONG and as WIDE as an iPhone. My digital camera is small and can take better pics than an iPhone, my iPod can stay in my pocket and does its job and not bother me a single bit. And when I return to Moscow, I'll have internet speed of 6Mbps, so I won't fall for that 3G speed. Besides, I mostly use the internet to DL AND SURF PORN, so an iPhone is not that convenient as the screen is small(I can't have enough visual feel of the action) and that I am decent enough to not surf and watch porn "on-the-go".

So, no, iPhone is not for me.

P/S: The sole reason I wanted an iPhone is because of the price. Now that the price is not what I thought is was, there's no reason for me to get an iPhone. So yeah, I'm now officially getting an iPod Touch.

P/P/S: Damn, I thought I would be getting an iPhone so I thought I could use the money I've saved to get an iPod Touch to get other stuffs. Now that other stuffs have been bought, I don't have money for my iPod. I could manage either an 8GB or 16GB model only. Good bye to my 32GB iPod. Sob. It's all fuckin' iPhone's fault.

No Fucking Way!!!

I've always wanted an iPod Touch. A 32GB iPod Touch. RM1800.

Then, this "Twice as fast. Half the price" thingy came along, which got me thinking. An iPod Touch which cannot make phone calls or an iPhone which has ALL the functions an iPod Touch has plus HALF the price?

I finally let my iPod Touch go and aim for an iPhone. It's a pity to be an Asian at times like this when you'll only get the "latest" gadgets available from Apple after everyone else in the world has got their hands on them and actually become bored of the gadgets.

iPhone 3G, twice as fast, half the price. Well, it's kinda right to some point. I mean, the price really is half of that of iPhone 2G, but it's only applicable in the U.S.. $199 for a 8GB iPhone! It's equivalent to RM660+ in Malaysia! It's too cheap for a 3G phone from Apple! But still this is real! It's all over Apple's official website!

But then again, I fail to realise that things are often unfair. The new iPhone will be released today, in the U.S., but Asian countries like China, Japan, Singapore and Malaysia? No news of when they'll be available in these countries, especially Malaysia as there's currently no official service provider for the iPhone.

When I was browsing the web just a moment ago, I thought of this.

"Why not I try to google 'iPhone Singapore launch date' to see if by any luck there are articles about when the new iPhone will be released in Singapore(since it's the nearest place I could go to get my own iPhone)."

So google I did, and I found this.

WTF! September 2008?!?!? But I'm leaving on August! There's no way I could change my flight date as I've already paid the fare in full amount and if I were to change the date I'll be charged RM100! Plus it only says 'September'. It could be 1st September, but it also could be 30th September.

My semester begins on the 1st. Boo.

Besides, Singapore's selling the iPhone for Singapore $690(USD $490+). 490 US Dollars! It's nowhere near "HALF THE PRICE". Even the 16GB model is only $299 in the US ok, and here Singapore's selling the 8GB model for $490!

I bet Singapore's tagline for the new iPhone is "The new iPhone 3G. Twice as fast. Equal the price. Or slightly more."

Fuck iPhone.

Update: Malaysia finally has its own Apple site. Visit our local Apple website here! Don't expect too much for now as it's very new, but hey, at least we finally have a site of our own!

I HAVE A FRIGGIN' CANON EOS 400D

Period.

I need to rant! I love my dSLR, I love the lens(though it's a kit lens), I love the CF card, I love the flash, I love the CURVES.

I am obsessed over my new darling. Screw hot men, screw Marc Jacobs, screw Nick Beyeler. All I need now is my BABY.

But when I'm over with my SLR I'll be lusting for Nick and Marc again. Heh.

I love macro lenses, but they're so expensive they'll burn my wallet into ashes, or tiny grains of dust!

I hate photography.

But still, my kit lens is better than lame digital cameras. "Zzz..Zzz...Ka Chak!" Stupid digital cameras with their so-called "13 Megapixels" and "6X Optical Zoom" and whatsoever, BEGONE! I now officially dismiss you of your service!

I am a proud dSLR user. A proud, noob, user.

Ooops!

Any sugar daddy around here who's kind enough to get me a macro lens? I'll be indebted for life!

I'm a TIGHT virgin.

More on The BF later. Muah!

The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part I

I know the title sounded weird, but it's always like this when you first see it. Things will become better as the story unfolds.

So yeah, The Bro. No one in the virtual world knows about this but I don't exactly share a very good relationship with my elder brother. Everyone thought that we are 'the bestest brothers' but the truth is, we don't share much in common. My bro may be gay and I may be bisexual, but the types of men we like are different. My brother goes for Asians whereas I go for Caucasian. My brother likes 'the boys next door' whereas I prefer the hunky ones. I prefer those with facial and some body hair but my bro thinks that the smooth ones are better. Our type may be different(which is good in a way such that we probably won't fall for the same guy) but that's not the main reason why we aren't close to one another.

Hey Bro, what is it you like that I don't have?

The main reason why we aren't that close as we seem to be is the difference in our degree of maturity. No offence but though being the elder one, my brother seem to lack the maturity he should have at his age. When I was younger, I may enjoy his company, his jokes and the other things that he say, but being an adult now(I'm turning 21 this October), I no longer find his jokes funny, no longer have interest in the things he say and the way he acts. Well, he didn't change, but I did.

The gap between us is becoming wider and wider, and really, I don't think it's my fault. As people age, they (supposedly) become more mature. Well, I think I am maturing, but my bro just seems to enjoy being where he is. All he thinks about is buying this and that when he gets his salary, playing online games when he gets home, and many other things only a 15-year-old would do.

And I'm not the only one thinking that he has a problem. Even my family and close relatives think so. Whenever anyone tries to advise him to 'grow-up', he would just shut them away, saying that no one understood him. At times, he would even quarrel with my parents in public and then put up a face as though the whole world had mistreated him. And he daresay that he's a freakin' 24-year-old?!?!

Then he would also compare how our parents love me more than love him. Well, all I could say is it's obvious. First, I'm now studying in Moscow, it's natural for my parents to 'love me more' as they don't see me very often. Even my bro himself treats me better now than the times when I'm still studying in Malaysia! But he just didn't realize. Second, with my bro having such an attitude, I really cannot blame my parents to sometimes love him less. Mom and Dad may be our parents but they're human too. There's no such thing as 'loving a person unconditionally'. Tell me would you still love your wife unconditionally if she badmouthed your mother in public. That is if your mother is not someone you hate.

Everyone loves the angel!

So really, unless my brother grows up, loving him as a brother and as a son will not be an easy task. I'm sure no parent or sibling can put up with such attitude of another family member who's an adult without mental issues but acts like a kid. It sounds like a normal family drama, but it wouldn't be such a drama if my bro actually listens to people's advises and actually takes their advises into consideration.

This entry is random, I know, but I just need to rant. I'm tired of my bro having the attitude and knowledge of an elimentary school kid. He throws a tantrum whenever he doesn't get what he wants, he doesn't read newspapers(hence the lack of general knowledge), and most of all, behaves like a Cheena man('Cheena' is a word I use to describe a 21st Century Malaysian Chinese who still speaks and acts like a typical Chinaman, i.e.: speaks improper English, watches Chinese dramas only and is overly obsessed over Taiwanese pop singers). But what caused the lil' aneurysm in my brain today is that my brother doesn't even know the currency of United Kingdom!

"UK uses Pound Sterling de meh?"

That's it for now. Enough ranting over my brother. Poor him doesn't even know that his lil' brother is badmouthing him on his blog now.

End of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part I". Stay tuned for Part II.

Parenting Skills

I know I'm too young to be talking about parenting skills. After all, I'm still struggling in Med school and also a kid who hasn't grown sideburns, moustache and chest hairs. Yes, I'm an undergraduate student and yet I look like a high school student. Some of you think I should be happy, but I think otherwise. I'd wish for myself to be a masculine man, a hot guy, a hunk, a stud, whatever you find manly, but I'm categorized as what people call 'twink'. It sucks.

Anyway, let's get on with the main topic. Yes, parenting skills. So, you think you have good parenting skills? You think that every parent has good parenting skills? You think that parenting skills is inborn and not something a person should acquire? If your answer to ANY of the questions is 'yes', you have just failed to be a parent.

But why? Of all the topics one could discuss, why parenting skills? Why not the recent hike in fuel price? Why not typhoon 'Fengshen'? Why not Russia vs. Spain's match? Why parenting skills? WHY?

The answer is simple. Because modern parents suck to the core when it comes to parenting. I don't have to compare the parenting skills of our ancestors with the parenting skills of the "TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY SUPER MOMS AND DADS" , just compare the parenting skills of modern parents with their parents. You'll be shocked by the difference in levels of parenting skills.

Before one even start defending by giving lame excuses, allow me to talk first. Why do I think that modern parents are bad in their parenting skills? Here's an example:

Case:
Parents brought kids to coffee shop. Parents sat down and started chatting with friends. Friends brought kids too. Parents' and friends' kids started playing. Kids ran in and out of coffee shop. Parents didn't care. Kids made lots of noise. Parents still didn't care. Kids made MORE noise. Still, nothing happened. And the best part is when parents and their friends can make their children order food for them. The eldest of all is only about 6-7 years old. The rest were like 4 or probably 5. When food didn't arrive, parents made children go and remind hawkers about their orders.

See the problem there? Not only did the parents NOT stop the children run in and out of the coffee shop AND make noises, they totally ignored it as if the kids weren't theirs. And to make their children make food orders for them? Holy Christ! You as a parent not only did not do your part to get food for your children, you made them get food for you? What next? Are they gonna work to provide food for you? Some of you might say that this is a form of training for the kids to be independent, I say it's just an excuse to be lazy. Besides, being a 6-year-old, how often would people take your words for it? "Auntie, give me one Wan Tan Mee ah!" "Wan Tan Mee? Really ah?" "Yala auntie, really! Faster lo auntie I hungry liao!" If I were the hawker I would ask the child to bring me to his/her parent(s) to ask if they really asked their child to place an order. And the answer is 'no', I did not see anyone came to make sure the order was true. Result? The food didn't come la obviously. What did the hungry parents did? "Ah Girl ah Wan Tan Mee haven't come, go tell the person one more time!" I wasn't sure if the mee came, but I was certain that the parents are dumb. Think a bit la uncle and auntie, last time when you were 5 years old, you go and order Wan Tan Mee got people layan you or not? Sometimes maybe la, cause last time people also think less cause society less problems ma. Nowadays society like that, everything expensive, later your child order Wan Tan Mee then when people send the mee to your table then you say you didn't order Wan Tan Mee then the hawker ma rugi? Can give it to other customers, I know, but do you realise how much inconvenience it has caused to the hawker just because you were too lazy to go and order your own food? It's just like asking your underage children to buy cigarettes for you. Shop owner doesn't want to sell to your kids cause your kids are underages. In the end, you had to go and get it yourself but you've caused trouble for both your kid and the shop owner.

Of course I've witnessed other "parenting" acts of some parents, but I thought it'd be better for me to just enlighten everyone about what's becoming of modern parents and not speak too detail of it. But then again, it's just my point of view and I can't force anyone to agree with me.

Well, that's about it. I may be doubting many parents' parenting skills, but what about me? I could be the next parent who lets his children run around the dining table and scream hysterically as they run(play?).

Don't worry, I know I won't.

Anyway, it's getting late already and I really need some good rest. Woke up very early this morning to have breakfast(it's Wan Tan Mee, ironic!) and also went to the gym. Did some shoulder and chest presses, weight-lifting, running and cycling. I know I should be concentrating only on one part of the body at one time but I think it's OK to run and cycle every day. As for my upper body, I know I shouldn't be rushing, but I'm stubborn. Hadn't been exercising for the past 9 months in Russia, so when I went to the gym on Tuesday, I think I pulled a muscle. Was trying to complete the sets.

Avoided exercises for my upper limbs, so I did only exercises for my lower limbs for the next 2 days. I could still feel the joint pains of my upper limbs this evening but I decided to just go on with my upper limb exercises. After all, 2 days should be enough for my upper limbs to recover. Reduced the weights a little, worked a little slower, and nothing major happened. Thank Lord. My limbs are feeling kinda weak and numb right now due to the exercises, luckily it's weekend now so I can have my rest before I hit the gym again on Monday.

Or Tuesday.

I must get my protein drink soon. I could last longer when I run and could lift more weights after having my protein drinks before going to the gym. And it helps to provide the additional protein needed to build muscles(the amount of protein a body-builder needs in terms of grams(g) to consume is an equivalent of half of the person's body mass in pounds(lbs), e.g: I weight 140 lbs, so I need to consume at least 70g of protein each day if I want to build muscles. However, most of the time my daily protein intake is less than 70g, so I need protein drinks to provide the additional dietary protein in order to build muscles). Note that additional protein will not be stored in the body but will be excreted as waste products, so don't think that the more protein you consume, the faster your muscles grow. Besides, it'll be more effective for your protein drink to be absorbed by the body if you have it at least 30 mins before you begin your workout. You don't want to have it right before your workout and end up puking them out.

By providing protein that's inadequate in the diet and having it before you workout, the results of your workout will be more significant and growing muscles couldn't be any faster.

OMG I sound like some personal trainer/nutritionist/doctor. Be warned that the above statements are only my personal theories, be sure to consult a REAL nutritionist/doctor if you want to know how to grow muscles in a relatively short time. My theories are based on internet researches and my knowledge in Biochemistry only, even I myself isn't sure whether it's gonna work or not.

Darn, it's already 4:30AM, how much sleep can I get? I'm having Dim Sum for breakfast with my friends at 8:30AM!

Dim Sum here I come!

It's Getting Hawt In Here

Was surfing the web and I saw this:


Bet most of you already know who this hunk is. Nick Beyeler, a 33-year-old world aerobics champion and covermodel is my current favourite. Ever since he bagged the "Year 2002 Sports Aerobics World Champion" title, he became well-known throughout the world and his new found fame helped to make himself noticed by people in the modeling industry. His well-known work in the modeling industry is to model for DNA magazine, a famous Australian magazine, nude, with only a piece of red silk to work with.

In an interview with DNA magazine, according to Nick himself, when he was photoshooting for DNA magazine, the friction between his bare skin and the silk stimulated his body(does that mean he had an erection? :-O) but he wasn't embarrassed at all! Of course he wasn't! He didn't need to because he's pretty well hung himself!

Also, somewhere in his interview with DNA, he was asked if he's a bisexual. He did not deny but he did not admit either. However, his statements kinda point towards him being a bisexual. Besides, at the end of the interview, he was asked whether he has anything which he wished people didn't know about, and he said "I think it got mentioned somewhere above". Having read his whole interview report, the only thing which he could possibly wish that no one knows is him being bisexual. And I did not make assumptions because really, the whole interview was about his career and out of the very few questions related to his personal life, the only thing he could possibly not want people to know (yet?) is him being slightly bent. I could be wrong, but I'm currently unable to produce a link to the interview. I do have the last spread of the interview though.


In the meantime, I'll look for the site which I got this picture from. Sorry for having short-term memory.

Ugh, after writing about Nick and searching for the interview, I've forgotten completely the other things I want to blog about. Until I could look for the interview and remember what I have to blog about, some juicy pics of Nick for everyone.


Update: The whole interview of DNA magazine with Nick can be reached here.

Fresh New Look

Hi all! As you all can see, I've made some changes to my blog. The reason I'm keeping my blog's interface so simple is that I want to deliver my message as effective as possible. So, goodbye to the colourful background, goodbye to the fancy but useless flash animation, goodbye to anything that'll only slow down the loading speed. From now on, it'll be "http://error24355.blogspot.com/" and "voila! The page is done loading in less than a sec!".

I understand the feeling of waiting and waiting but whatever you hope for did not load as you wish it did. My internet connection sucks and I find browsing very challenging, even though it's the 21st century where technology is supposed to "rock your world". Well, it did rock my world, just not the way I was told when I signed up for broadband internet service.

My apologies for keeping the blog totally black and white because I can't decide what colour goes well with the other and that my connection sucks so much it can't save the template. I'll try doing it again but not now as I need to get some sleep. Had been out all day hanging out with family and friends.

Talk about hanging out all day. Can anyone tell me where is the best place to shop for clothes? I was at 1 Utama this afternoon and nothing seems to interest me. The t-shirts at Armani Exchange look so fugly that I thought they were cheap imitations of the brand which we usually see at Petaling Street. There were nice bags and jeans, though. But I cannot afford them as the bag and pair of jeans cost RM699, EACH. Then again I might get the bag if I have enough money left after buying an iPhone.

Is Pull and Bear new in Malaysia? We have it in Moscow but I think the range of clothes in Moscow is wider than that in Malaysia. The prices are about the same though. They have some really nice clothing and it's really worth the price. Though they're having sales now, I think that they might have a further price reduction before autumn. In Moscow, they had 2 further reductions after the initial sale price and lucky me got a t-shirt for RM15 and a pair of jeans for RM50. It doesn't sound that cheap to people living out of Moscow but RM15 for a t-shirt is considered very cheap to one who lives in Moscow.

Right now I'm choosing to buy between an AX and cK underwear. I want to buy both but there are many other things that I want to buy. Should I just get both or just get one for now and get the other next time so that I could buy other stuffs?

Here We Are Again

"OMG Sam is SOOOO cute!"

I'm all over Sam, I know. It's so stupid to go all gaga over a STRAIGHT guy.

Yes, I can finally confirm that Sam is STRAIGHT! My last bits of hope for him to be NOT straight are now gone.

Yay, a huge slap to myself!

OK, I'm being dramatic.

Anyway.

For the past two years, I've been all over Sam and almost every entry that I post has something related to him(super no life, eh?). It sucks to not know whether a guy you like swings your way or the other, and it sucks even more when you know the truth. And who goes around saying "knowing the truth wouldn't hurt"? That guy is so going to deep-throat me.

But then again, now that I know the truth, my life will be better than before! My life has been revolving around him for far too long. It's always about looking good in front of him, behaving good in front of him. You know, things that'll make a good impression. Now that I know the truth, I can spend more time sleeping instead of grooming(it's sad but I mostly groom myself for him), I can spend more time concentrating on things that actually mattered(I spent most of my time oogling him during lectures), I can be in control of things(I used to try my best to stalk him, even if I needed to sacrifice my lunch breaks and my time with friends), and so many other stuff.

Now that I know the truth, I can start hunting for other guys(I'm not the regular guy who changes his target very often, I'm loyal OK), and I need to hunt fast. After all, Sam has wasted almost 2 years of my youth.

So, I'm now deleting Sam from my life, and I'll make it official when I'm ready to move on with life. I know I said it once but I didn't know about his orientation at that time so it didn't count. This time, Sam's gonna be out of my life. Mark my words!

The Art of Feng Shui

I'm finally back home to enjoy my summer break. It's been 9 months since I left home, and many things changed when I wasn't around. There're several new stuffs which I never knew existed at home but what really shocked me was the drastic change of the furniture settings of my house. The sofa set and the dining table found their new positions in the house, some paintings were moved, and the worse is that my brother and I switched rooms.

The reason behind this? You know it already.

Feng Shui. Seriously, is this the best explanation you can give? Mom, dad! What's with your minds?! Feng Shui master said that Quan Yin "wasn't here", you performed some rituals to "invite Quan Yin into the house", fine. Feng Shui master said that cooking should be done in our wet kitchen instead of our dry kitchen(which we did) because we're "burning money away", fine. But to switch rooms?! That's a bit too far.

I came home on the weekend thinking that I could finally sleep on my own bed, in my own room, but when I was told that my brother and I switched rooms because my brother's room "suits me more compared with my room", I almost fainted.

Well, I still get to sleep on my own bed, but I no longer get to sleep in my own room. Not that my brother's room is small or what(it's actually far bigger than my room, I pity my brother for having to switch rooms with me), it's just that we only moved into this house several years ago. I wanted the bigger room but my brother got it because my uncle who happen to "have some knowledge in Feng Shui" said that the bigger room suited my brother and the smaller one suited me. Now that I've accepted to stay in the smaller room for the next decade until I graduate and will be able to own a house, I suddenly got to stay in the bigger room. Now that I've got a bigger room, it seems that I don't have to move out so soon!

But still there are adjustments which has to be done.

My brother had a tailor-made built-in wardrode which I don't fancy, but I have no choice now but to use it until I have the money to take it down and build myself a new wardrobe. Now that my room has enough space, I'll have a tailor-made built-in 'L' shaped work station so that I could own a personal desktop and still have enough space to do paperwork(and leave some trash lying on the table). I'm also going to own either a plasma TV with surround-sound system or a huge bookcase to house my books. I think my parents will only give the green light to the latter option, as I'm still living under their roof and they wouldn't want their son to have everything in his room. Computer, internet, cable TV and cool sound system, who would want to leave their room besides eating?

I'm a lazy pig, I know. But then again, I won't be in Malaysia for long. I'll only be back here during my summer breaks for the next 4 years. Until I graduate, I won't/can't do anything to my room. Who knows? Probably I'll have new plans for my room in the future.

I think I'm adapting well to my new room, hope that my brother's doing just fine too. Things have never been fair to him all these years. I always get the bigger piece of cake, I always get things from my parents, I'm the parents' favourite child, and the list goes on. Despite all this, he still loves me, a lot. He always buys me food and brings me to go shopping. Even when I'm in Russia, he still buys stuffs for me whenever he sees something that he thinks I'll like.

I'm such a loser as a lil' brother. Really, I should stop being so self-centered.

The New Temptation

As the title suggests, there is a new temptation in my life now. I don't even know whether it's a temptation or not but I do hope it is one because my life sucks big time now, thanks to the stress of the upcoming finals and boy issues.

Finals! It's finally here, and there's nowhere I could run to hide away from it. You study, and study, and study, and study, but it's never enough. You find that your brain is too tiny to accomodate all the information of a 800-page Biochemistry textbook, you find that you know nothing about Physiology, you find that 24 hours is not enough to be called a day, you find that the exam is riddiculous, you find that yourself is being riddiculous for choosing this profession over other professions.

Great. I truly regret insisting that I'll "come to Russia to study Medicine no matter what". Only people who can't think in their right minds would come to Russia to do Medicine as the course they offer is nowhere near satisfactory, plus Medicine isn't that great anyway.

To hell Medicine and all the people practising Medicine!

Enough about me complaining. Medicine is a great subject, no doubt about it. I wanted this, I saw it coming, and I'm gonna face it like a man! A bi man, I mean.

OK. So, new guy. I'm not exactly sure what's the situation like now but I do hope that I didn't get things wrong. There is this guy I got to know recently - well, I can't say I know him because I don't even know his name - and we've only talked twice, and this incident occured during our second conversation.

This new guy, let's call him X for now, is 2 years my junior and is an Indian. I don't know why but recent years, I have a liking for Malay and Indian guys but still, whites are always my first choice. I saw X in school today and here's what we talked:

X: Hey! What're you doing here?

Alex: Oh, just waiting for someone.

X: I see. Oh yeah, you guys have exam today right? How was it?

Alex: Yup. It was OK, MCQ is nothing compared with oral exam.

Then he went to do his stuffs while I continued waiting for my friend. After doing all his stuff, he was preparing to go home. Before he left, he said goodbye to me, wished me all the best for my exams and other good stuffs you would say to a person when he/she's going to sit for exams. I swear I was shocked to hear so much from a person I barely know. Maybe he's too friendly, but I think he's more than that. I mean I hope he's more than what I think he is. He's not the hunk everyone would fall for but he's definitely the cute boy nextdoor whom we cannot resist from liking.

Seriously, how many people you've met that would wish you "all the best for exams, blah blah blah" the SECOND time you guys had a conversation? I daresay that for most people, the number is 0. Maybe he's too friendly, maybe I'm thinking too much because I haven't get any chance to lay my eyes on Sam recently due to stupid exams but hopefully this is a new path unfolding itself for me. Everyone needs a backup plan, and he would be a great one if I can't lay my hands on Sam.

Just Say You Love Me

, please.

Stop giving me stares. Stop looking into my eyes. Stop smiling at me. Stop getting my attention. Stop being cute.

How hard is it to come to me and say those few words? Say you love me, say you adore me, say you like me, say you want me to be your freaking boyfriend!

Or at least say you want me to be your fuck buddy.

Seriously, what do you want? You always peek at me thinking that I'm not aware of it, you look right into my eyes and smile at me whenever I catch you peeping at me, you try to be near me whenever you get a chance, you're making all the small moves but you just can't bring yourself to come forward and talk to me.

I may be the one who should be making the move since I'm the elder one but you know I won't because I'm PASSIVE. I'm not that kind of guy who would walk up to you on the streets and say hi, I'm not that kind of guy who would voluntarily make small talks, I'm not that kind of guy who would do anything at all unless the other party starts doing something. I feel insecure, I'm afraid of failures, I'm socially retarded. I know what I want but I don't know what you want.

Stop making small moves, they don't help. Give me hints. Clear, significant hints.

1 more month to go before the summer holidays. Which hostel should I choose when I return for the new semester? Should I follow you to the hostel with sucky internet service which you'll be going and continue stalking you or should I choose the hostel with kick-ass internet connection where I can meet other guys online where I have chances of dating someone?

Help me choose, Sam.

It's Your Birthday

It's Sam's birthday today.

Yay.

I'm not anyone important to him anyway.

Why am I feeling depressed? So what if I didn't see him today and wish him happy birthday? Not that it mattered, at least not to him.

Why am I making my life miserable? The feeling is far from being OK. It sucks, to the max, actually. Yet, I have no intentions to get myself out of this misery. I wonder why.

Because I like a person whom I know will never love me back at all? That's the best explanation I can come up with now. It's stupid, I know, to love a person whom I know will never love me back. But isn't that what love is all about in the first place? Unconditionally without asking for return.

But that's not possible in the 21st Century. Well, at least not in Malaysia, not with a Muslim guy!

OK, I should stop babbling, now.

Anyways, Happy Birthday Sam! May lady luck always smile your way, may the God of Prosperity bring fortune to you and your family, may you score good grades in your exams, may you have good health, may you have friends that'll be there for you when you need them, may you have the bestest of life! I'll always be there for you, so don't be afraid to fall. I'll definitely catch you before you fall. Or at least I'll get someone to catch you, since I should be aiding you from a distance without your knowledge.

Enough crap. Happy birthday again, Sam.

Obsession, Again

I'm currently obsessed with Sam's jacket. It looks like the one which I've been looking for a very long time. Even the colour is the one I've been wanting!

We have something in common, at last. I'm still thinking whether I should ask him where he got that jacket from the next time I see him. It's common among the girls but it just doesn't seem right for a guy to compliment another guy's jacket and ask where he got it from.

Alex: Hey honey, nice jacket you have!
Sam: Really? Thanks!
Alex: The material's really great. Where did you get it from?
Sam: Oh, it's just a Dolce. Do you want to feel it?
Alex: Of course! May I feel you too?
Sam: Pardon?

Sam may not be fashionable but he does know how to choose clothes, especially jackets, that look nice on him. He has that potential in him to be a high-fashion metrosexual, but he chose to be an ordinary guy. Many people, incuding me, struggle to be metrosexuals but kept failing. I never got a hair-cut that suits me, I never get eyewear that suits me, I never get nice accessories, I never get nice footwear, and my wardrobe is a disaster. I've been attempting to get wardrobe make-overs but it always end up as a mess. I'm currently rebuilding it again, hopefully it'll be a success.

Anyway, this post isn't dedicated to Sam or to myself, but to Handsome. Yes, Handsome is a new guy which I'll be introducing to this blog but he wouldn't be making much apperance in this blog because today's the first time I meet him and I suppose I won't be seeing him much as he's a student from another med school.

Handsome is an Indian, about 5'7", and he is the most handsome, most good-looking Indian guy I've ever seen. Not only me, but my friends think the same too. According to a friend, Handsome was his college mate and he's one of the most handsome guy in college back then. So, it seems that my taste is quite good, eh?

I never knew Handsome existed until tonight, when I attented some sort of Indian New Year event. He was an usherer in the event, so he had to wear a suit. He looks god-damn good in the suit, as though he's born to look nice in suits. I envy him very much as he's so good looking and looked so good in a suit(not everyone looks good in suits).

I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing my way but no harm having a little crush on him, eh? Crushes are good for the soul, it's proven. Damn, I can't get him out of my mind. All that features are what ALL men and women like. Whoever thinks he's not handsome is simply blind. Oh god, I have to see him again. The next time I see him, I'm gonna make sure he notices me. No harm sending some signals too. Who cares whether he swings my way or the other? If he swings my way, good for me. If he doesn't, no worries. He's from another med school, we won't see each other often, even if words get out that he's freaked out by a weird guy from another med school, he wouldn't have the chance to show who the weird guy is and eventually, he'll forget about it and move on with life. What a great plan isn't it?

I know I'm crapping a lot. My brain had shut down. I might not recall how he looked like when I wake up tomorrow morning but right now, all I know is that I need to blog about him, and how I wish he's on my bed now so that I can taste him tonight. Flings are good for the soul too. It's proven.

Love Is Overrated

As the title suggests, in the 21st century, love is nothing more than a game. Trust? Virginity? No one cares about that anymore. Boy tells girl to trust him but he's having an affair behind girls back or even worse, boy says that girl didn't trust him enough, so boy wants to break-up because he can no longer be together with a person who cannot trust him, but the ultimate truth is that boy is cheating on girl A with girl B and this is just his plan to break up with girl A so that he could be together with girl B and not look like the bad guy.

Virginity? That's not important anymore. What's important now is how many people have a person slept with compared with his peers. Boy A has slept with 5 different girls in 2 months, boy B has slept with more than 10 girls in the past 3 months, so now boy A is trying to get more girls to sleep with him so that he wouldn't lose to boy B. Girls? Girls A and B are batchmates. Both of them slept with guys from their batch and they openly compare the boys' sizes in public. Boy 1 is small but he's good at it. Boy 2 is big and he's good at it too. Boy 3 is small and bad in it too. So, girls' conclusion is that the next time they want to get some fun, boy 2 is the one.

There are worst things that I've heard, but it would be unpleasant to post it in the net. The bottomline is, love has lost its value compared to before. You can still treasure it, but if it's gone, don't be too upset. Invest in something more real instead, like golds and diamonds!

P/S: I've heard that many people like(d) me, but I can only assume that they're desperate. Why? I know where I stand in the handsome/hot/cute scale, and my rank is definitely not high enough to get such popularity. Either the standards are altered due to the lacking of handsome/hot/cute guys around or the people here are just too desperate. Honestly, both reasons are true, but I think the latter has bigger influence on this.

Torment

I can't not love Sam.

He's cute, he's charming, he smiles a lot, he's friendly. He's the guy anyone would want to have as a boyfriend.

I thought I could've just forget about him and move on with life. I was dead wrong. I've cut off all possible contacts with him by not attending lectures, by leaving for classes later tham him, by not going to places where he usually goes. But it lasted for only 2 months.

Several weeks ago, I was involved in some sort of activity in which he's also involved in. I tried my best to not have any contact with him by keeping myself busy with my own chores but I think because of this, he noticed that I was one of the very few people who did their jobs well and not talking too much. In fact, I was the only person who not only completed my own task but also helped to complete others' tasks. He came over and we talked a little, and he even told me to get enough rest after the event.

Sweet, yeah? This was where things went haywire.

Since then, my subconscious mind keeps telling me that the fact that he asked me whether I was tired after doing so many things and that he told me to get enough rest means that he cares for me. Plus, whenever he talks to me he calls for my name first. Like, finally, he knows and actually calls me by my name!

It was also the fact that we actually had a conversation that I can no longer pertend as though he's a mere acquaintance. Whenever I see him now, I have to smile and say 'Hi' to him because he's more than an acquaintance. Plus, he's the friendly guy who goes around saying 'Hi' to everyone, so it would look as though I'm anti-social if I choose to ignore him. And thanks to his million-dollar-winner smile, my heart melted once more.

Come to think about it, he does that to everyone! Why should I be so happy then? If he does that only when he sees me, then I should celebrate la! But still, even if I cannot have him as my boyfriend, I can still have him as a friend, right?

Piece of Me

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They're still gonna take pictures of my derriere in the magazine
You want a piece of me?

Yeah baby, you sure do want a piece of me!

I am super hyper right now! I.GOT.CHECKED.OUT.BY.A.GUY.IN.THE.LIFT.YESTERDAY.

Ahahahahahahah!!

I know I'm making a big deal over this matter. I'm sorry to waste your time but heck, I rarely got checked out by a person and I'm definitely gonna blast this news into the blogosphere!

Well, maybe I do get check outs but I never knew. I wouldn't even know that I got checked out this afternoon if my friends didn't tell me. Once again I'm saying that my gaydar isn't functioning well because it's wavelengths are interfering with my straightdar(is this the correct term?). It still hasn't got fixed, and won't be fixed any time soon, thanks to my couldn't-care-less attitude.

This incident occured in the afternoon when I was back from school. This guy walked past us(my friends and I) in the lobby of the hostel and my friends went "look! There are four girls and a guy here and that guy looked ONLY at Alex!". I didn't know what they were trying to say, so I asked:"Why do you guys say so?". According to the girls, that guy is gay because they once saw him check their male friend's ass out. But it's only their assumption as there's no solid evidence to prove that he's gay.

When we were waiting for the lift to arrive, the guy came back. As usual, the girls teased me by saying that the guy came back for me and that I should go introduce myself to him and befriend him. Luckily, the lift arrived soon enough to save me from their teasing.

Or so I thought. The most we entered the lift, things became worse. The guy stood on my front left side, facing towards me and he took a great time checking me out. He actually dared to check me out in a lift filled only with girls besides me and him. My friends observed the situation and there they go trying to prove their point that he's gay. "Look, he's checking you out again. There are girls around him but he's looking only at you!" Really, he checked me out from top to toe and kept observing my facial expressions. But what blew my mind was the thing he did before exiting the lift. He looked at me and made a SLOW 180 degrees turn before exiting the lift. He wanted me to look at him from different angles!

At that point, the only thing holding me back is the fact that my friends don't know I'm bi and I'm not ready to come out to them. Seriously, if my friends weren't with me the whole time, I think I would've already pounced on him in the lift itself. He's not bad looking, he's not Asian(tho I'm Asian, Asians just don't seem to turn me on alot), plus he has that sexy facial hair which I love most in a man(I think I really have a fetish for facial hair). And those beautiful, charming eyes too.

No way I should pass this one, rite?

This Is Life

Nothing makes sense. I know nothing. I understand nothing. Studies, things around me, anything at all. I know nothing about all these.

Really, I don't even know what on earth am I supposed to do. I may be a medical student but inside me, there are several other MEs. One of them wants to be a fashion designer, another a model. Then there's one who wants to be a stay-home dad. Really, there really are so many of us in one body it starts to bother me. A lot.

To be a doctor has been my ambition since young, so here am I in a med school trying to get a medical degree. Well, the thought of becoming a fashion designer sprouted only about 2 years ago but it's influence on me is very strong. It made me more self-conscious on what I wear, which is good. What's not good is that I'm becoming a critic. Not only am I now a fashion critic, I'm basically a critic of everything. Luckily, my inability to draw helped in repressing the inner devil. If not for that, I think I would've ditched med school for an art school and become a worse critic.

Stay-home dad. Who wouldn't want to stay home and look after their own kids? Given the chance, I would stay home to take care of my kids and I'll make sure that they'll grow up the way I didn't grew up. I'll send them to a mandarin-speaking elementary school, then to an international high school. Later, they'll do their Pre-U course in a well-known college before flying off to the countries which give the best education for the courses my kids will be pursuing. That's only for their academics. For co-curricular activities, I'll make sure they take up either drawing or piano lessons until they've reached 8th grade. All of them must take up swimming lessons but not involved in it too much before puberty to prevent stunted growth. Before they enter college, they'll have to learn the art of fine-dining. But the most important thing is to make them read, listen, speak and write good English. Off to the British Council they go!

If only women cared less about who being the breadwinner of the family. If only I ever get married. Sigh.

Enough about that. Let's talk about my fantasy of being a model. Honestly, who doesn't want to be a model? Often, people don't get to be models because they don't have what it takes to be. This one reason is more than enough to eliminate more than three-quarters of the population on earth of becoming a model. So, what it takes to be a model? To be a male model, one should stand between 5'10 and 6'2 tall, 6'0 being the preferred height and wears a size 40 suit. When you've passed these two criterias, other criterias come in. Weight, posture, bone structure, looks. You name it.

I stand at 5'11. 6'0 may be the preferred height but hey, I'm Asian, 5'11 is not too bad! Unfortunately, I only wear a size 36-37 suit. I might be an inch shorter than the preferred height but my chest is at least 3 sizes below the standard size! Besides, I'm under-weight. People my age and my height should weight 70kgs and above but I'm struggling to maintain my weight of 60kgs! Posture? I can stand as tall as 5'11 but most of the time I stand only at 5'9 or 5'10. Reason? I freaking can't stand straight. Most of the time of my life I hunch my back when I walk. The condition was worse when I was young, but it's better now that I've come to realise how serious the situation was and made the effort to get my posture right. People need to have broad shoulders too as they look nice in a suit and also sexy in a plain tank top as they swing their arms when they walk. Facial characteristics are very important too, but their degree of importance differs according to needs of different fields. Say, a cover guy's looks is more important than a runway model's because chances of people looking at a cover guy on a magazine is higher than a runway model. But I don't mean that a runway model's looks aren't important! Thus the question:"What does an Asian has to offer to the modelling world?" Most Asians don't have squared jaws, don't have pointed nose, don't have much facial hair to boost the masculine looks. I'm just a typical Asian, plus I have thin eyebrows and looks of a 16 year old! Besides, my hair is bad. Seriously, how many 21 year olds out there who're self-conscious but just couldn't get the hair that suits themselves? I prefer my hair short but my friends say that I look better with medium length hair. Maybe it's time to just pay more to hire a hair-stylist to decide what's best for me.

Sigh is the only thing I can do now, but I'm not gonna give up. When I return to Malaysia, I'm going to consult a nutritionist on what I should eat to gain weight. Then, I'll hit the gym and pool to build up some muscles. Supplements are a need to help gain weight and muscles faster. I'll also sun-bathe and this time, I'm definitely getting a tan(last year, I tried getting a tan but failed). About my looks and my thin eyebrows, let steroids do the work. I suspect it's because of the insufficient production of testosterone that caused the thin brows and the stunted maturation of my looks. Hopefully by then facial hair starts to grow. Facial hair is so sexy. And no, I'm not talking about having a goatee. Something like what Jeff Pickel of America's Most Smartest Model has will do.

Look where my fantasy has taken us to. Sigh. If only I cared less about how I look and am more satisfied with what I have now, things would've been better. But since it has happened, the only thing I can do now is to keep improving the way I look. There's no room for failing!

Love Is Beautiful

At this very moment, I wish to be loved. Well, love as in a boyfriend or girlfriend kinda love.

The feeling of being loved is so good, so good that I feel that I'm the biggest fool to ever let it go.

It's been 18 months since I broke up with my ex. It's been 18 months since I last kissed another person(besides my mum, duh). It's been 18 months since I last held hands with another person. It's been 18 months since I last felt love.

There are several candidates along the way but I just can't bring myself to feel whatever I'm supposed to feel. I definitely have moved on, though I still miss the times when I was with her.

Ever since he appeared in my life, nothing feels right. There's always this urge to know more about him, to befriend him, to be part of his life. Compared with 12 months ago, nothing much has changed, besides me knowing facts about him and he knows nothing about me.

The only person to be blamed in this case is me. I was not ready to part with her, I Was not ready to travel so far from home for my studies, I didn't have enough faith in long-distance relationships. I like him, and still do even after I found out that he's straight.

But my stubborn brain just doesn't want to register this piece of information. Really, how often do you meet someone who can really play futsal, knows nothing about fashion, doesn't cook well, exceptionally good in studies and the only time he's out of the hostel besides attending lessons is to restock his groceries to be gay? Or bi.

OK. Guys who play the male role in a guy-guy relationship often display characteristics of a straight man, but we non-straight guys know whether another guy is straight or not. Gay men don't usually play futsal. Even if they do, they can't be anywhere on the top. Gay men SHOULD at least know something about fashion, if not more. I can assure you, he doesn't even know the fashion world exists.

Well, cooking. I don't cook well too, but I at least try! I seldom see him cook, and most of the time when I do see him cook, it's fried rice or some simple chicken dishes. He is straight! But my brain thinks otherwise. The "signals"? It's just me. Dear old obssessed me, hoping that there's a slight chance that some things within him are bent.

Look where my obssession is driving me to. Totally out of the topic.

Back to love. So yeah, I want to be loved again, I want to provide love to the person who loves me, I want to love the person that I love no matter he loves me back or not.

Love me please, Sam.