I-Am-Pissed

I fucking think that the Malay is gay. But I also think he has a boyfriend.

Fuck both of them.

Non-Merry Christmas

Chirstmas' coming soon. It's the time when people celebrate the festival with lots of cookies, turkeys, christmas trees, and yes, exchanging presents.

Will be exchanging presents with some other friends. Also planned to buy individual presents for my roommates.

What about them? One probably doesn't celebrate Christmas and the other one might be probably still sick to even bother about this festival. Feel like giving them presents, yet I don't know them well enough to give them Christmas presents yet.

Just imagine an almost complete stranger knocking up your room door, shove a present into your hands, wish you 'Merry Christmas' and then disappear into the darkness. Even a blind man knows what it means.

To make it even more obviously strange, a guy giving present to another guy whom he barely knows.

2 more days till Christmas, I'm so not looking forward to it this year.

*clucks*

The guy who has beautiful eyes and facial hair is down with chicken pox.

I wish I knew him good enough to go have a look at him and see whether he's doing fine. It's freaking weird for a person he barely knew to visit him when probably his other friends didn't even went to see him.

How's my boy doing now? =(

Crash!!

I.Fuckin.Have.Crushes.On.My.CoursemateS.

Of which 2 of them are Russians, an Indian and a Malay.

This is the first time in my life I fuckin fall for people which are non-Chinese. Well, fantasies with Whites are great, but this is the first time in my life I've ever meet them face to face, EVERYWHERE I go.

Russians are hot, and as Europeans, most of them have nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes and nice physical features. I don't know why but I think I have a liking for people who have thick and nice eyebrows, beautiful eyes, rectangular shaped face(instead of the usual squarish shape of the Asians), charming smile(of which when he smiles his cheeklines or whatever it is called will appear). Facial hair(not the thick ugly ones) would be a bonus. And like everyone elses' dream, a hot body. No one would've said no to a hot body, right?

But sometimes, I just go for the cute ones.

So, here I am, in Russian, a heaven of guys which meet my criteria. In my academy, I found 2 guys whom really caught my eye. One's not very good-looking but kinda cool+cute+blurrr look(did I say I LOVE those who look damn cute when they look blur? XD), the other one's kinda cute. Both of them are really cool naturally, unlike many of the others who tries so hard to act cool.

Then there is this Indian guy who has very beautiful eyes and very, very nicely shaped facial hair. His facial hair seem to know where to grow, and all their length seem to be the same! So fuckin turn me on. Haha.

Finally, this Malay. He, has features of a Malay, and yet he doesn't look like a pure Malay. His skin is quite dark, like the other Malays, but his facial features look a little like a Chinese. And yeah, he's kinda cute.

Fine, not kinda cute. Very cute. He's very, very cute. And it was why I fell for him.

But the problem is, My Russian language is so terrible I can at most tell the Russians my name, my age, where I live, which semester I'm in. And duh, my phone number. XD

As for the other two, it's not really easy to get to know them because they have their own group as friends. Like, we all know that most people only mix with people of their own race, so I can't blame them for always hanging around with people of their own race, and it'll look very awkward if some person of a different race walks to them and say "Hi, let's be friends".

So far, I've managed to make small talks with the Malaysians, but since they're from different groups(And again, most people only mix with their groupmates. It applies here too), it's not easy for me to find time to talk to them(since I usually make small talks in classes and when everyone goes back to the hostel in a group and when we're in lifts), and the holidays which are coming soon isn't helping.

How to get to know them better? How?

A New Life

Alright, shall not delay stuffs anymore, have to start blogging from today already.

3 months ago, I made this decision to come to Moscow to study Medicine. Everything was made in a hurry so even until today, I still cannot spontaneously tell a person that I did not regret making the choice to come this country.

It's known fact that one cannot expect much from this country as most of them don't speak English, their people aren't really civilised(as in them being rude to tourists, them spitting everywhere, reckless drivers, etc.), infrastructures need to be improved and most importantly, they need to provide internet access more easily. It's not easy to look for a place which has access to internet and even if a person finds one, the charges won't be cheap.

But still, I didn't face much problems in the past 3 months of residency in this country. Did manage to meet some people who speak English, people who are helpful, and luckily there is internet cafe in my hostel. The charges were expected to be high, so no fuss about it. Their public transportations such as buses and metros are really good. Time intervals between a bus and another(or one metro and another) is much shorter than buses and LRT/KTM/Star in Malaysia.

My roommates are much friendlier than expected, which is good because we could fool around with each other not having to worry that we'll hurt each other's feelings. Coursemates were good too. MARA and JPA students are way much better than expected. They really are good when it comes to studies, so you guys out there don't spread rumours saying the sponsored students(especially MARA students) are craps that cannot study and just because they're Muslims, our government will still sponsor them even of their low qualification. They're proven to be smart in their studies and I don't see any reason for them not to get sponsorships.

Stuffs here aren't cheap though. Almost everything's much expensive than back in Malaysia, but luckily there are some of my favourites which are sold cheap. A bar of Kit-Kat could cost up to RM4-5 in Malaysia but in Moscow, it costs only RM1. It's very cheap and ever since I discovered it, I made Kit-Kat and milk my breakfast everyday. May not be very filling and healthy, but it provides me with the energy I need to travel to the Academy every morning, braving the strong wind, snow, polluted air, heavy traffic and the remaining ATP to be converted to heat. =D

Now that I'm part of the Medical faculty, I understand why people come to Russia to study Medicine. Unlike other Universities which are 100% final exam based, my Academy's course grading system is 60% course work and 40% final exam based, which means there will be class tests for every subject every week for the whole course of a subject. This is to make sure students study more frequently so that they don't lose track in their studies, and also to make students' lives easier by having needing lesser time to study for final exams as they've been studied and graded before. All they need to do is to refresh their memories, unlike 100% final exam based Universities whose student will only study before finals. Besides, it's proven that only by studying consistently can knowledge be enforced into our brains, not for a few weeks, but for years.

But, not everything's alright. My brain is screwed recently, and I really want to blog it out but it's already late at night and I'm very tired. Will try to blog about it soon.

Random Entry

I really want to blog. I have a nice blogskin, many things to share, but the freaking template is not done yet! Screw this place which doesn't provide internet to hostel students. Will try my best to edit the template bit by bit, hopefully things can be done asap, then we can get into real business.

Maybe I should screw myself for deciding to come to this place. This place is crap.

I'm A Noobie

Fine, screw the whole issue of not being able to make my entry titles show on my blog. I'm just a crappy guy who doesn't know how to do template scripting.

This blog's gonna be revived soon, so do come back for updates!

*sigh*

Until I could make the entry title appear on the page, I'm not gonna blog. Never.

Well...

The Wound Which Never Recovers

Have been blogging actively these days. The last time I've been like this, blogging almost every single day was months ago. Ever since I left college, nothing seems to interest me, nothing seems to get my attention. Didn't know what to blog about, didn't know why I should blog.

The good old days, when I was in college, everyday was a blessing. Everyday, besides going for lectures and hanging out with friends, the best part was to look out for people. Certain people, to be specific. You got it right, my crushes. Talk about crushES, you guys might think that I'm crazy or something, but I'm not. Having more than 1 crush at a time is not a sin. In fact, having crush itself is not a sin. As if I prayed to get it or something?

Before I left college, almost every single day of mine was made perfect seeing any of them. The mere sight of them is enough to make me smile for the whole day. Have never felt like this before, having so many crushes at a time, and that a mere sight of them is enough to satisfy me. Always thought that guys are hot, sexy, handsome(and whatever you call it), but never thought that I'd fall for them, and so many at the same time too!

At first, I thought it was just a crush which will fade away soon, but I was wrong. After a month, I start to stalk them and get their timetables. Later, I start to make a group of friends help me stalk them(and surely, I did not tell them why I want them to do that for me). Soon, I got information about them, know what they use to wear, know where they usually hang out, and seeing them at the right time at the right place is nothing shocking anymore(but the choice of colour one of them chooses as a pants still shocks me, even until today).

Anyway, stalking them has become pat of my life in college. Everyday, I'll make sure I see them at least once a day without fail. And I try my best to make myself noticed by them. And I think I succeeded, hehehe.

Soon, as I discovered more information about them, things start to fall apart. 2 of them have girlfriends, 1 is an extreme homophobic, and the other seems to look like gay but too manly to be one. What am I saying? Well, as long as it means all of them are unavailable and are homophobic. And one of them is the 'legendary' person who drives the most expensive cars in the whole college. How am I, a person from a middle class, a bisexual going to befriend them? Never.

If you think that I'm just too stupid to stalk them and get almost all the information about them but quits at the last minute, not trying to make the move to befriend them, you're wrong. I tried sending them mails through a popular website which allows users to "Find, Connect, Stay In Touch", but I never get any reply. What more can I say?

After my course ended, I still go back to college occasionally for some stuffs, but whenever I see them, the situation will be very awkward. Both parties will try to evade one another and try not to look at each other in the eyes. Months of stalking and the attempt to befriend them has led to the situation I face today. But stupid me has never stopped loving them. Yes, love. Loving the people I never had a formal conversation. Loving the people who probably hate me for who I am. Loving the people who thought of me as nothing but some freaky homo. Or bi. Whatever.

Will be leaving this country to further my studies soon. Wanted to see them for the last time before I leave, but didn't want the wound to hurt deeper. Tried very hard to stop loving them, but never succeed. Instead, it made me love them more. If I don't go back to college to see them for the last time, I will not have the chance anymore because by the time I come back next year, their courses would've ended and I will not know where to look for them. I understand that I should let go and move on, but they're not just any crush. I love them, for real. One handsome kid, one cute boy, one average-but-managed-to-make-me-fall-for-him guy and a hottie(my point of view). They all have the qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend. How can I simply let them go?

God save me, I don't want to force myself to move on with life, it'll only hurt myself more!

Random : I am so not prepared to go overseas. Someone gimme a hug of love, please.

When Boredom Strikes

You'll do things that you will never do, just to please yourself(even if it's only for a moment), kill some time, or just for the fun of it.

Yes, I hereby announce that's I'm VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY(see, I waste time writing so many VERYs[here I go again] just to kill some time, even if it's only 5 seconds) BORED.

And guess what I did? Guess, guess, guess!

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Annoyed by the '.'s? Alright, I shall let you guys know what I've done. Wait, I'm still doing it NOW, so I take back my words. Let me rephrase my words : I'm currently DOING something which is totally out of my mind.

Yup, that's more like it. Ok, you see, I'm doing this thing which is so out of my control, and I wanna tell you guys, but I don't.

Haha, just kidding. NOW EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING SHOCKING!

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I'm creating a 5th blog. Yes, 5th, as in FIFTH blog. And I have no idea what to blog over there. And no, I ain't giving you guys the link. Hahahahahaha!

I so love playing with the '.' and '!' thingy. Look, I've wasted 13 minutes already! Thirteen minutes!

*slaps self back to reality*


"Um, what've I just done?"

Hunter Or Hunted?

As everyone knows by now, Steve Irwin(well known as 'The Crocodile Hunter'), was killed today by a stingray barb through the heart while filming a new documentary. He was 44.

Many people asked "But how can he be killed by a stingray when he'd handled more dangerous animals like crocodiles, poisonous spiders and snakes?". Even I found it hard to believe at first, until I saw the news all over Yahoo!. But still, it's hard to believe the fact that he was killed by a less dangerous stingray and not a python or crocodile.

It made me wonder, about the many ways a man could die, about the ways we would never thought of dying, about why are we devoting ourselves to our job knowing that there's a possibility that we could be killed by our jobs. Imagine a doctor doing an operation and was accidentally stabbed by the scalpel(Ok, this is highly impossible but still, there IS a possibility), imagine a chef's clothes got set up in fire while cooking, imagine a technician got electrocuted. As the elders say, "Do not fear death, fear the way people die". We all know we'll die someday, but we do not know how are we dying. Stabbed? Burned? Electrocuted? Or simply, got knocked down by a passing vehicle. Whatever the way, we should be prepared.

Why devoting ourselves to our jobs knowing that there are chances we could get killed while working? People say "He loves his job so much that he doesn't mind dying while working", but how true is that? One may love his job very much and says he doesn't mind dying while working, but when he comes face to face to death, he wouldn't think the same anymore.

So I say, don't devote to our jobs, work for a living, earn money and go on a vacation every year(if possible). No one wants to die working, and I'm sure about it.

I know not devoting to jobs doesn't apply to doctors, but heck, doctors need a life too! Ask any doctors, and I'm sure none of them wants to die in a hospital.

Lastly, may you rest in peace and find yourself a place in heaven, Mr Steve Irwin.

Drown In Fantasy

When I was young, I would tell my mother very often that someday, I'll buy a bungalow for her to live, hire a few maids, buy her a Mercedes Benz, a personal driver and unlimited credit card limit. And to do that, I'll work as a doctor, become a specialist and earn money, money and more money.

That went on for several years until sometine during High School, I made researches on this profession and to my horror, becoming a doctor is not as easy as I had thought, and to make things worse, not all doctors become rich. In fact, in Malaysia, most doctors, especially those working in the government hospitals, are struggling to make a living.

I thought of other opportunities, other courses, other careers, but sad to say, I have no interest in most of them. So, I reviewed my "ambition". After reviewing it, I made lots of changes. It doesn't matter if I'm rich or not, it doesn't matter if I drive a BMW or a Mercedes Benz, or living in a bungalow, as long as I could provide to my parents' needs, as long as I'm happy with what I'm doing, being poor is not a matter. Money is important, but it can't buy a family, it can't buy satisfaction, it can't buy joy. What's the point showering your family with money when you cannot afford to spend time with them? What's the point being rich if you do something you dislike?

Unfortunately, nobody approves of my plan. Even my parents think I'm being childish and ridiculous. And since then, arguments often occur between me and my family members. I do understand that my parents didn't want me to suffer in life, but little do they know that no one will be happy if we do things that we dislike.

Finally, they gave in, but not for long. Now that I'm offered to study Medicine overseas, my parents are trying to make me stay locally and pursue other courses.

I don't know what to do already. Should I insist on studying overseas, even without my family's support, or should I take up other courses which will end arguments about my studies and make everyone happy?

Show Me The Money

Had lunch with my relatives today. Had a small chat with my cousin who's a doctor. He told me lots of things about Medicine and doctors. And from what I could see, he's not very happy with what he's doing now. Not that he didn't like becoming a doctor, it's just that a REAL doctor is not what we see in television or during hospital attachment.

I do believe that I have a strong passion for Medicine, but if it is true that this profession isn't what I initially believed in, then I don't see a point pursuing Medicine anymore. I never liked business, that's the reason I picked sciences. But now someone's telling me that Medicine is business. I mean, yeah, it it business, but not until the point that when your client isn't willing to pay a certain amount for a surgery, you pull a long face and show it right in front of your client. That's not what Medicine is about! At least to me, it's not like this.

I'm going on with my application for Medicine, but I don't think that I'll be very upset if I got rejected. Perhaps, Medicine is not what I've been looking for. Perhaps, this is not my call. Psychology, probably suits me better.

I don't know. I'm very confused and lost. And I'm dire need for help. Anyone, everyone, lend me a hand. Please.

The Downfall(?)

For most children, their dreams were about the same, becoming a policeman or a teacher. I followed suit too. It was until Primary 5 did I realise that becoming a policeman or a teacher wasn't that interesting as I used to think.

Maybe it's the Hong Kong dramas which made me see policeman as a very cool job, fighting crimes and chasing bad guys in big cities. Which also includes endless scenes of bad guys threatening the chief/inspector by attaching a bomb to the chief/inspector's loved one and how the chief/inspector managed to save his beloved from danger and caught the bad guys. Or at least that's what I thought. It was until the later years of my Primary School life did I realise that in Malaysia, the situation is totally different. Or maybe, things in television were never real, just that I chose to believe that what I saw in television were real and what we have in Malaysia is polluted. Bribery is common, bad guys escapes without being caught, policemen not doing what they're supposed to do. It's just too bad in Malaysia.

As for teachers, young children always think that teaching is a very noble profession because they sacrifice their time just to make sure their students excel in their studies. I thought it was true, until I discovered that many teachers are not good in what they're teaching. As in an English Language teacher teaching Science and a Math teacher teaching Malay Language. Besides, some of them don't teach well in school, but in their tuition classes, they work very hard. It's so different from "sacrifice themselves to make sure students excel in their studies". I understand that there are teachers who fit into the statement, but compared with the ones who work harder in tuition classes than in school, the number is negligible.

Since then, I've thought of a new profession - Medical Practitioner a.k.a. doctor. You can't bribe a doctor to make sure a surgery is 100% successful or the other way around. And in Malaysia, doctors do not have a choice but to sacrifice their precious time dealing with patients. Doctor may not be as noble as it seems, but at least it's much more challenging than repeating the same chores everyday. Besides, doctors do not have fixed working hours. We wouldn't know when will we receive calls from the hospital that we're needed. It may be stressful, but being able to help those in need is better than leaving them alone and miserable.

Unfortunately, things haven't been going along well these few years. SPM was OK but for A-Levels, my results weren't good. So far from being average, even further from being excellent. Things are going on a rocky road now. The future is uncertain. The near future, I mean. Went to apply for Medical Programme today but was told that I needed to write a letter of appeal to the Ministry of Higher Educations so that they would allow me to persue Medicine overseas. Everything's done now, am waiting for the panel in the Ministry to decide whether I deserve a chance to study overseas or continue rotting in the lands of this country.

This entry was supposed to be more about my results but it seems that it turned out to be totally different from what I initially thought of. But still, it wasn't too bad. Oh well, time to sleep. Nite!

Where's My Wardrobe?!

"I want a wardrobe of my own. I'm sick of wearing the same suit everyday!"

"Listen to me my dear. It's not that I do not want to get you a wardrobe, but do you have any clothes to keep in the wardrobe?"

"Erm, nope. But soon I'll get myself lots of clothes! I will!"

"I'm not sure about it. I thought I was the one who's in charge of what you wear?"

"Uh? I didn't know about that!"

"I don't blame you for that. Blogs don't have brains. Hahaha."

"..........Fine, you win."

Was surfing the web for new skins for my blog since Blogger provides very few blogskins for its users. Talk about Blogger, its service isn't that good either. I wonder why so many people fell for Blogger instead of Xanga and Wordpress.

Wait, I'm using Blogger too. I'm contradicting myself.

Back to topic.

None of the skins I saw at Blogskins attracts me. They either look very plain or just too colourful. Well, there were a few which were OK, but they're not available anymore due do some reasons. I ain't tech-savvy, don't ask me for the reasons.

Until I come across a nice blogskin, you guys will be seeing one of the 'Default skins by Blogger'.

Somewhere...

"I still want my own wardrobe!"

A New Start

I have been hoping to create this blog a very long time ago, but due to the workloads and my laziness(=p), it's been delayed. For um, 2 months?

No, I ain't kidding.

This is not my first time blogging. This is actually my fourth blog. Yep, FOURTH. Insane? I think so too, but I haven't got other choices. I've been thinking of creating a blog where I could spill everything deep in my heart out, mostly secrets that my friends and family members should not know, but everytime I create a new blog, I just couldn't bear with the guilt of not letting them know. My first blog is a public blog. The second one was supposed to be private, where only me and another friend know, but only after telling her the blog address did I realise that she wasn't the best choice to know my secrets. The third blog was created for the fun of using skins created by myself. Only a few friends know about it though.

So, birth of the fourth blog! In this new blog, no one will know who I am, and when I know that nobody I know knows about this blog, I could blog freely. Write what I want, say what I want.

I'm getting high already. More entries rushing in soon!