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Bye

2010-01-13T20:36:00.001+08:00

Hey guys, due to some circumstances, I will not be able to update this blog anymore.

It's been a great four years posting new entries here and getting comments on my posts.

Bye all.

For 3 weeks!

I'll be leaving for winter holidays in the UK, so I won't be able to post since I won't be having internet connection over there. Don't miss me, 3 weeks isn't that long.

2010-01-06T23:15:00.001+08:00

So I was right. He really was drunk that night.

But I shouldn't be feeling anything at all, right? After all, I wasn't expecting anything from him.

The L Word

2009-12-31T10:24:00.001+08:00

On this day, most people would be reciting the events which occurred throughout the whole year, events which they think were significant enough to be remembered and recalled. I would do that too, but not today. Cos' I've got better things that have to be told now.

A dropped the L-bomb. Yes, the 'Love' bomb.

Please excuse me while I go catch my breath as I'm still trying to digest this piece of information.

*gasp* *gasp*

OK. So yeah, he told me that he loves me. *swoons*

*slaps myself*

I was quite shocked when he told me that because he never used any word like this before. Not to me at least. Not even the word 'like'. Never said anything nice to me before, and suddenly he tells me that he loves me. In a text, though.

I didn't know how I should react, so I just replied "yeah I know you love me". Not sure if my reply was correct, as the next text from him was "you love me too don't you?". I paused. Paused. And then paused some more. Then I replied "yeah love you too". When I was about to hit the 'reply' button, I remembered that he was in a club. Based on his messages and the amount of typo he made, I was quite sure he was half-drunk, or really, really high. Then I added "are you drunk?" to test if he's drunk and also to change the topic.

He told me that he wasn't drunk and that the typos were because he wasn't using the phone's dictionary. He was only tired and sleepy. I wanted to trust him, but the 'helo' and 'hehe' and 'lol' don't do him justice. And the club-hopping isn't helping.

At that point I didn't know what to do. As much as I'm excited to hear him say the L word, I'm also worried if it meant anything at all. After all, he's half-drunk and I can't expect him to be himself. If I were drunk I would be so much more talkative than I already am when sober and I'll be this happy person where I will go around talking without thinking first. What if he was just high and said it because he thought it was fun? Before I got my hopes too high, I told him I'm busy and couldn't be texting him anymore and told him not to get too drunk.

"ok bye and love you!!" was his reply.

My reply? Nothing. Didn't know if I should text the L word back to him or not, so I thought it was best to not reply. Not a wise choice, but better than him waking up in the morning not knowing what happened last night and with a text from me saying that I love him.

Now I have to wait till he's sober and see if he remembers anything he said.

Christmas'09

2009-12-25T09:10:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas!

Probably 9 hours late(with reference to Malaysian time) but better late than never, right?

Christmas this year is quite happening for me. Had a great evening on Christmas Eve with a friend walking around the city snapping pictures of the city in Christmas decorations and a nice cup of hot latte in Starbucks.

A Christmas-only Toffee-Nut Latte that is! Awesomenesssss.

Will be out for dinner with a group of friends later in the evening. Heard it was either Jap or Korean food. Not sure why people in Asia love to dine in western restaurants during Christmas, whereas my friends here in Russia love to dine in eastern restaurants. It just doesn't feel right. Then again, don't remember any of them celebrated anything(birthdays, New Year, etc.) in a western restaurant.

Maybe it's their cheenaness. I really think so.

Will be attending a friend's birthday party on Saturday night. Still not sure what to wear tho. All I know is that it's too late to have a haircut now, because it's a golden rule that we cut our hair latest by one week before an event, so that the hair looks more natural.

And there will be a gathering on Sunday evening with another group of friends. Lotsa food's involved in my life, but why am I still losing weight?!

Seems that I'm talking nonsense again. Shall go sleep now, cos' I'll be shopping for said friend's gift tomorrow before dinner. С Рожденством(se, [as in 'se'curity] rozhdenstvom) everyone!

It's Back

2009-12-19T05:02:00.001+08:00

Or so I've heard. Winter sales, that is.

I wonder how am I gonna resist the temptation to go on a shopping spree. Not shopping(not even window shopping!) for four months isn't exactly helping. The only thing that's keeping me from leaving home is the cold weather. Was -28 degrees just a few days back!

But that's not gonna hold me for long, as the weather forecast showed that the temperature's gonna rise next week. -4 degrees on Christmas day! No reason to not shop!

And yes, this means that I'm still alive and will continue blogging, although the comeback wasn't great.

Goo-Gaa

2009-08-27T00:53:00.003+08:00

WARNING: This entry contains some explicit materials. If you are below 18, leave this page immediately! For those who choose to proceed, remember that you have been warned.

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I think I'm not actually bisexual. Maybe I'm just the regular straight guy who's sometimes confused with his sexuality. Maybe I thought I'm gay because my friends say metrosexuals are gays. Maybe I thought I was gay cos' I was exposed first to the male sexual organ before the female's due to regular visits to the swimming pool when I was younger which required me to hang out alot in the changing room?

So many possibilities out there I don't even know what made me gay. Dayumnn I sound like a pregnant slut not knowing who the father of the unborn child is!

I do not know if it's just me or what but, I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with another man. Like, the very thought of me together with my "boyfriend" having meals, going for movies and shopping makes my stomach upset. Like, TOTALLY grossed out upset. And don't even mention doing anything intimate, I'll really puke. Not sure why, but I don't get such feeling when it comes to girls. Confused straight guy much?

Then something happened recently which made me doubt my gay-ness even more. The housing area at my place has a private club house, gym and pool. When you look out the windows of the gym you can see what's going on in the pool. So one evening, I was in the gym and when I look out of the windows, I saw a ~~smokin' hot~~ Caucasian man playing in the pool with his two sons. I was momentarily transported to the future where I have my own kids and we lead a very, very happy life. Problem is, there's no "significant other" in the picture. No daddy, no mommy. Just me and my son and daughter. Weird. Now before you say that those kids might be adopted, I can assure you that they're 100% fertilised using my *ahem* seeds *ahem*.

Kids!! Now I haven't seen gay parents(is there even any, knowing that the law still doesn't approve gay couples to adopt?) before but I think most gays are more interested in night clubs and sweaty sex and dirty orgies and bling-blings and Prada and Gucci(when they're in their 20s-30s) compared to kids? And there don't seem to be much gays in their 40s, 50s, and so on because love isn't the top 'priority' among gay couples so most of them break up when the party days are over and they just hide in the jungles regretting their mistakes? I may be wrong but I'm sure I'm right in some points because, no offence, the gays seem more like sex addicts than lovely people to me. And I'm stating this based on facts. Ask anyone where to find gay people and they'll say "gay clubs", "local gym", and "public pool". And the reason they're there? You and I both know.

So you really can't blame me when I say that the gays don't look like kids-loving people to me.

So yeah, unless I get a surrogate mother, the only way I think I could conceive my own children is to get married with a woman ~~which I'm not sure I'm capable of doing because I'm a commitment phobe~~.

At the end of the day, I still can't tell if I'm bi or a confused straight. Can't deny the fact that I enjoy looking at hot men but to imagine myself with another man is just too much. Hot men envy perhaps? Like how girls experience penis envy?

Perhaps it's time I seek help from a professional. What do you guys think?

2 Months

2009-08-21T01:18:00.001+08:00

In less than two weeks' time, I'll be boarding the plane back to Moscow and begin my life as a forth year medical student.

I've already been back in KL for 2 months now. Not too short, but not exactly a long holiday too. Haven't done much for the past 2 months, besides those I've mentioned previously.

Life was OK back in July when all the friends are back in KL and we would meet up so often till my mom had to hold me back, telling me I'm spending too much money outside and spending too little time at home. Then came August. Some friends left, some had plans with their other friends, some had to return to their Unis, and I was left alone with nothing to do. I was(and still am!) so bored that I thought it made no difference spending my summer break in KL or in Moscow, besides that in Moscow I get more freedom. And more allowance!

But one can never compare home with the outside world, no? No matter how good the outside world is, it can never be, and can never feel, as good as being at home.

But boredom is driving me crazy!!! Any suggestion on how to spend the last two weeks in KL?

Bits #2

2009-07-20T02:02:00.006+08:00

Many things are going on with my personal life right now, and it'd probably be awhile before I blog again.

Anyway, before the long leave, I'll update you guys with the things I've done up till now since I came back to KL:

- I went to 'Urbanscapes 2009' which was held in KLPAC last month. I had an awkward tan after being exposed under the sun for more than 5 hours, but it(the event) was great!

- Went on a family trip last weekend to Pahang for some durian hunting since it's the durian season now. The 'RM1.00 sebiji(each)' or 'RM10 - All You Can Eat' are nowhere near those durians from my cousin's dusun(orchard)!

- Sales is bad! After refraining myself from entering shops whenever I go to the malls for almost a month, I finally lost it and went frenzy over discounted items. Spent about RM500 in two days. The amount might not be big for many for you but for a student like me who's on summer break(which translates no monthly allowance since 'I'm back home and food and lodging is being taken care of', so 'outings with friends and shopping' are considered as 'extra' and they 'should be on no one else other than myself'), I really felt the pain. Then again, I'm just doing my part as a concerned rakyat to help push the economy, so why not?

There has been this song I've listening on the radio for the past few days and it's GOOD. Now, I don't usually listen to the Chinese/Mandarin radio stations but since my family only listens to these stations, there's nothing I can do but to listen too(especially when I was stuck to be with them these few days, but it's not like I'm complaining). So, there's this new song by Amy Wong(王明丽) and it's really, really great. It's been quite awhile since I last heard any good Chinese/Mandarin music produced in BolehLand.

Not like it's a bad thing, but do you guys realise that most(if not all) Chinese/Mandarin songs revolve around love? And that they're usually sad? This is why I rarely listen to Mandarin songs. I'd rather sing along to random songs like Mariah Carey's 'Obsessed' than listening to sad Mandarin songs and my mood ends up hitting rock bottom.

But, if it's Malaysian-made, and it's really good, I don't mind being emo for a week or two.

Good To Be Back

2009-06-22T00:54:00.003+08:00

I'm officially done with my exams and am back in the country for my holidays!

It was a painful month, with the endless exams and the exam stress. But they're all history now!

Can't wait to eat all the good food and shop for the best deals!

The Roller Coaster Ride

2009-05-12T22:19:00.002+08:00

It may just be me, but I think that you're showing me signs that you're interested.

But if you're interested, why are you giving me different signals every day?

On Monday, you looked at me, smiled, and continued doing whatever you were doing. You acted like I was just an acquaintance and you smiled because you're 'obliged' to do so.

On Tuesday, you acted as if you didn't see me. I was non-existent.

On Wednesday, when I've decided to not care about you anymore, you bump into my face and give me a huge smile. And you'll be looking my way every 5 minutes. It was then that I know I have failed myself because I thought "you were giving me signals that you're interested" and I gave you a chance again.

These events keep repeating themselves. For more than 1.5 years now.

Just when I thought I've given "us" too many chances and that I should really stop hoping, the unexpected events occur. For the first time in 1.5 years, our eyes met each other and did not look away immediately. If I hadn't look away after 5 seconds, I bet it would've lasted longer.

Then, during the party our uni did, you were one of the committee members and your job wasn't to serve food but when it was my turn to get my food, you came forward and served me(and a few others, but you served me first!). And that was the only time you had served food throughout the whole party.

But just when you get my hopes high, you showed me the cold face again.

I was there in the lift this afternoon but you acted like you didn't see me. Maybe you really didn't see me. Maybe you're avoiding me. Maybe you think it's fun to toy around with my feelings. Too many possibilities, and I don't know which is true.

I'm exhausted. I can't keep up with you anymore. I don't know what you want, but as much as I want to ask you, I can't because we're surrounded by "rules" which we're not supposed to break.

If only either of us wouldn't care what people think and say about us. But since it's not going to happen, I suppose the best choice for me is to just give up on "us" and concentrate more on other stuffs.

It will not be easy to kick you out of my system, but I'm sure I'll make it through. Even the addicts can do it, why not me? Besides, you're not as addictive as drugs.

Inactive Mode

2009-04-28T02:07:00.002+08:00

I have recently moved into my new residence and there's no internet connection available at the moment. I'll be more inactive than before in my postings.

I apologize and thank everyone for bearing with me. I will try my best to get my own internet, but it won't be anytime soon.

Until I come up with a solution for my problem, I hope you guys don't miss me too much for my absence.

XD

Sign Language Can Be Entertaining

2009-04-18T07:04:00.005+08:00

Just a little something I want to share with everyone.

Check out other videos by this user, they're quite entertaining!

30 Years

2009-04-09T21:52:00.001+08:00

"Where do you see yourself in 30 years from now?"

That was the question from my Russian Language teacher. We came across this composition where a nephew found his deceased uncle's high school essay in which he was supposed to write what he thought would've happen 30 years later. His uncle wrote about himself getting married with his high school crush, working together, having two kids, etc.. Unfortunately, things did not turn out the way he wanted to as he was killed in WW II.

Anyway, let's get back to the topic.

As I have mentioned earlier, my teacher made us wrote essays in which we have to tell what we think would happen to us 30 years from now. As I held up my pen and started to write, I realised that I was stuck. I couldn't think of anything. My mind was blank.

10 minutes have passed, and I've only managed to write two lines, in Russian. Well, my Russian Language has never been that good, but even if I were to write it in English, the outcome would've been the same. 20 minutes later, I was still on the same line. Besides becoming a doctor and hopefully a specialist in Psychiatry, I couldn't think of anything more to write. Earn big bucks? Own big house(s) and BMWs?

Noticing that I haven't written much on the paper 30 minutes after she initially given us the task, my teacher knew I wasn't going to write any more. So she came to me and said:

"Now, why not you just put the pen down and we can do it verbally. I see that you haven't written much, and I don't think that you're going to write more even if I give you another hour."

At this moment, I panicked. I wasn't expecting this, but I knew I had no choice because I was the one who obviously seem to be not writing anything at all. So I put the pen down on my desk, looked at her, and gave a tiny smile. She looked at me, inhaled, and then proceeded to bombard me with tonnes of questions.

"Where do you see yourself in 30 years from now? Do you have plans to specialize? Do you have plans to own a hospital of your own? Do you want to own houses and cars? Will your parents be living with you? What about your own family, kids?"

Managed to answer all her questions with some corrections in my grammar. Overall, it was OK, though I wasn't quite sure if I'll be driving a BMW 5 series or a Perodua Kancil. Well, that and if I'm going to have a family of my own. I'm very fond of kids, and I do wish to have my own, but I wasn't quite sure about "the other half". Worse case scenario, adoption?

Then again, 2039 is still very, very far away. Right now, I have to concentrate on my studies, get my degree, hopefully survive the internship and specialize in something I'm really interested in. Then I'll start thinking of saving the first million ~~Rupiah~~ Ringgit, the dream home, dream car, and also, the family.

Bits #1

2009-03-31T05:06:00.004+08:00

I have been having a sore throat since two Fridays ago and it has manifested into both cough and flu. My nose has stopped dripping mucus like running water from a tap but there's no sign of the cough leaving anytime soon. If they say sit-ups don't help build your abdominal muscles, try coughing. Hard. It's been a week since I started coughing and each time I work up a cough, my abdominal and serratus muscles hurt as though I'm putting them on some hardcore exercise. Give me another week of coughing and I'll get to see my six-packs again. But before you start imagining me with a six-pack, do know that I have six-packs due to the fact that I'm slim and not the fact that I workout.

It's five degrees Celsius here in Moscow and I have my window open but I feel very hot. It's five freaking degrees and I'm actually sweating. My body's screwed up.

Why has no one ever drank Milo after workout instead of protein shakes? In one packet of Milo Fuze(30g), there's more than 4g of protein. That's like a lot right? Try substituting the amount of protein powder you consume a day with Milo, I bet Milo has more protein than shakes! Leaving the caloric values aside, the main reasons why people should consume Milo is that Milo 'brings out the champion in you' and also makes you 'go further'!

I have stopped stalking Sam on Facebook for more than a week now and I think it's a very huge accomplishment, though at times I still have the urge to view his profile and to send him messages.

I've been talking to the ex the past few days and learnt that she went through a lot of things recently. Suddenly felt distant for we had told one another more than once that if we were to ever face difficult situations, we should always let the other one know so that we could work things out. If I did not initiate the conversation, I don't think I'll ever find out about it.

Well, that's it for now, the collection of bits of my life which if blogged independently will be nothing more than just short notes that look meaningless.

Although I don't think putting them all in a single entry would make it mean any more.

P/S: After publishing the post and actually read it on my blog page, I realize that this entry makes no sense at all. I guess I just needed a place to vent. Too many things are happening in life now and I'm trying to cope.

Kill The Lights

2009-03-24T07:29:00.005+08:00

I'm sure by now everyone knows about 'Earth Hour'. So, the next Earth Hour will be taking place this Saturday, 28th March 2009 at 2030 hours, local time.

I'm glad both Malaysia and Russia are involved in this activity, although this afternoon was my first time seeing the poster for Earth Hour 2009 in a metro. I think the Russian authorities should have done more publicity on this activity and done it much earlier. Less than a week to Earth Hour and only one poster? Maybe they have posters in the city, I don't know(I rarely go to the city centre now because I no longer have classes anywhere near there), but I have my reservations. After all, Russia only started acknowledging WWF in these recent years. But still, it's better than not joining, right? Russia's the biggest country on earth and I'm sure with its participation in this activity, the amount of energy saved in an hour will be significant.

That is if many people support it lah.

Anyway, in the Malaysian Earth Hour website, there's a list of landmarks which we can vote to go dark on that day. Too bad there's no option for Stadium Putra, Bukit Jalil. Farenheit's having their concert there on the same day, and starts only 30 minutes earlier than Earth Hour! I wonder what happens if Stadium Putra decides to turn off the lights for an hour on that day.

So, Earth Hour 2009. 28th March at 8:30PM local time. Are you on or off?

Encephalopathy - II

2009-03-14T07:41:00.005+08:00

Who knew, there's actually a sequel to the previous post!

My greatest apologies for leaving my previous post hanging because I was too tired to continue writing that night(early morning?).

Let's continue from where I've left off, shall we?

I'd say that friendship and family ties are the things I treasure most, though my mom always says that I spend more time with my friends and that I actually treat my friends better than I treat my family. I say it's pure jealousy. =p

But what's life without love? My friends love me, my family loves me, I know. But being a greedy person, I wish to be loved by more than just these people. You know, to be loved by that special someone. That very person who shares more that just common interests. That very person who loves you unconditionally, who holds your hands when you both are out, who kisses you goodbye when you go to work/class, who goes through thick and thin of life with you. That very person whom you can go to bed cuddling and wake up next to in the morning.

That perfect other half who completes you.

It's been several lonely nights. In Malaysia, even though I have the whole room to myself at night, I don't feel lonely at all because I have my family's and my friends' companies in the day, and there are just too many activities going on that I don't even have the time to feel lonely. For the past two-and-a-half years here in Moscow, life had been great too because I was lucky to have great roommates.

If only the third year could be as great.

Few days ago, my roommate moved out of our current residence into another, leaving me and my other two blockmates behind. The first night, I felt kinda relieved some way because this is the first time in three years where I get to have the whole room to myself. I could do anything I want, I can sleep anytime I want without having to worry that the lights would wake my roommate up, and having my sleep uninterrupted. But now, these things don't seem to matter that much anymore. Nothing beats a lonely man sitting in his room facing four walls with no one to talk to.

And at times like this, the non-existence of 'the other half' only makes things worse.

Hah.

Anyway, enough of sad, depressing talks. Let's move on to the more cheerful part of me.

Guess what? I almost spend RM500 on shopping today. Luckily, I only spent RM300 in the end. I think it's the fact that I've only withdrawn the money from the ATM just yesterday(!) and the fear that if I spend too much money my dad's not gonna put anymore money into my bank account till summer that stopped me from splurging.

But RM180 for a pair of boots and a winter jacket! I'm such a loser for not buying but I'd rather be a loser than starve and die. Lol. But if I charge it on the piece of plastic, I'll have both the items AND cash, no?

Darn, if only my mind was clearer then!

Before I end my post, I would like to share parts of conversations which I had with several friends on different occasions which happen to be about the same topic.

Friend#1: Why ah you always buy GQ? What do they have in there?
Me: Er, cos it's like the ONLY men's fashion magazine in Russia?
Friend#1: HUH? Got men's fashion magazines one meh?!

Friend#2: Eh, you're buying GQ again! I've never seen this magazine before, what's it about?
Me: Um, about men's fashion?
Friend#2: Lemme see, lemme see. Wah, so many good looking guys in here! Some of them very hot too! But why ah guys buy such magazines?
Me: Huh? Cos it's about men's fashion?
Friend#2: I don't get it. Why men's magazines only got mens' pics? I thought usually lots of girls' pics?
Me: HUH? This is a fashion magazine, not Playboy.
Friend#3: Hey #2, you didn't know our friend here is gay? That's why he's reading this lah.
Me: WTF. One does not need to be gay to read GQ! Does that mean details is for gay men too?? And I'm not gay!
Friends#2,3: details? Apa tu(What's that)?

Friend#4: Wah, you buy GQ again! I always ask you to lend me to read but you never did! What's it about anyway?
Me: It's men's fashion magazine la. You know, there's Vogue and L'Officiel and Harper's Bazaar for the ladies, right? GQ is the same, just that they're for men.
Friend#4: Oh, but why keep buying lah?
Me: You don't buy Vogue and all??
Friend#4: In Malaysia I buy la. In Russia, for what?
Me: Just because you're in Russia doesn't mean you don't read magazines!
Friend#4: But it's not like we could understand everything they write!
Me: You don't read a fashion magazine, you look!

Encephalopathy

2009-03-12T09:05:00.002+08:00

OK, maybe that's too strong a word to use but I do think that I'm suffering from brain injury.

Literally that is.

(Tried 'hyperfunction of the brain' but there wasn't any matching result)

I've been thinking for a very long time now, about myself, relationships, my future, and also very minor things such as getting a new bedspread and getting a new hair colour.

I can't help but think about all sorts of relationships. Family ties, friendships, love. From young, my siblings and I have been taught to appreciate all our relatives(be it my uncles, my aunts, grandparents, cousins) because they're the closest to family after my parents and siblings. I'm glad we were brought up in such a way because many, if not most, of my friends don't share such a close relationship with their relatives. My cousins and I grew up together. We used to play masak-masak when we were young, and when we got older, we would go to the cinemas for movies, hang out in McD's(somehow, they aren't fans of Sri Murni or any other mamak of that sort), or just walk around in malls. Now that we're adults, most of us are scattered all around the world, some to pursue higher education, and some to work for a better living. We may not be able to see each other that often anymore now but thank God there are Facebook, MSN and also Skype to keep us connected.

Friendship used to be something I treasure very much because they're sweet like cotton candies but as we grow up, we're exposed to the ugly truths. Turns out, friendships aren't as innocent as I thought they were, and definitely not as sweet! When we were young, friends seem to be everything to us, because they're always there when we need them, they're trustworthy, reliable, and most importantly, they will never betray you. But then again these things only happen because we were kids. We were stupid.

It's so hard to open up to people these days without worrying that they'll use these information against you in the future. It's hard to trust people because they're hypocrites, two-faced. Tell them a secret at 10am and the whole world will know about it by 10:05am. So much for being 'friends'. And it's even harder to please everyone you know, because everyone thinks differently from you. Say you're friends with A and B, but A and B don't like one another. Imagine being in the same class with both of them five days a week. You're considered lucky if you are still sane by weekend because you'd to endure listening to all the bad-mouthing about one another the whole week. And you're really damn lucky because they didn't make you pick a side to stand. If they do, might as well ask them to put a bullet in your head.

The things we have to go through as adults. Sigh.

iStrip

2009-03-08T21:39:00.002+08:00

OK, that sounds wrong but that's what I saw on the net!

On Apple's App Store, to be precise.

Just few days back, I was browsing the iTunes Store in hope of getting a Russian-English dictionary so that I don't have to drag my very thick dictionary everywhere I go. Especially not in the cold winters!

Being a cheapskate person, the first section I browsed was the 'Top Free Apps'. I've always known that no one in this world is kind enough to spend so much effort on a mobile dictionary and putting it up on the net to be downloaded for free, but deep down I've also been hoping that there are such kind persons on earth. Maybe not putting it up for free but probably make it work in a way such that the dictionary can only be accessed when it's connected to the net? That way people get to choose to either pay a price to use the dictionary offline or use the free version by connecting to the net.

Anyway, back to iStrip. I cannot believe my eyes when this App is actually in the top ten of the free Apps category! I don't know about you but I don't see how anyone can be 'entertained' by a 3D figure stripping in an iPhone or iPod. Not to mention the stains when things become messy. I'd never trade my precious iPod for temporary pleasure.

Heck, that's not even pleasure to begin with!

After several futile attempts to get a freeware, I gave up and went searching for the dictionary in the paid Apps category. And many different types of dictionaries did I find. Everything's about business huh?

So, if you guys have the free time, just go to the iTunes Store and you'll be fascinated by the amount of ~~useless~~ Apps they have there. And while you're at it, check out iGirl-At Your Command and iFart too.

We're Dunzo

2009-03-03T06:49:00.003+08:00

It's been a year.

The very first time I looked at you, you were angel to my eyes. I thought that we could give us both a chance, a chance to make our lives better.

We tried, and we tried. People around us think that we're not meant for one another but we didn't care. We tried.

But the truth always prevails. It was only a short course of six months and I've started feeling bored spending time with you. We both knew I was the problem. I tend to become bored of something very fast, and it's just a matter of time before I set my eyes on something else. I started seeing you less, and I even skipped several dates just to avoid the question.

"Are we breaking up?"

I wanted to but I just couldn't bring myself to tell you that. It's not like you'd approve anyway.

Another six months passed, and finally, we sat down and talked about the problem between us. We both agreed that we weren't meant for one another, and that no matter how much we both try, we'll never turn out the way we want it to be. It's too late. We couldn't buy the time we've lost, but we surely can have better lives if we let one another go.

It was a hard decision to make, but we finally decided that letting one another go would be the best choice for the both of us. You could search for someone that genuinely loves you, and I could reassess myself so that I do not make the same mistake in the future.

We may not be the best match, but it wasn't all too bad having you as company for the past year. At least you never complain, Microbiology!

Metrosexualo

2009-03-01T07:17:00.001+08:00

A metrosexual: is a modern, usually single man who's cool, smart, attractive, taking care of his appearance, cultured and up to date with the latest styles, that confuses some guys when it comes to his sexuality. But he's so secure in his masculinity that he doesn't care.

I think that's the best description of 'metrosexual' I've ever come across. I'm very familiar with 'modern', 'taking care of his appearance' and 'confuses some guys when it comes to his sexuality' but to include 'he's so secure in his masculinity that he doesn't care' really takes the word 'metrosexual' to a higher level.

But then again, people would label metrosexuals as gay men as most people have the perception that 'only gay men take good care of their appearance and are up to date with the latest fashion'. What the guys forget is that no matter how they go around telling people that metrosexuals are gay men, they secretly envy the way metrosexuals present themselves with flawless skin and dressing up in the best styles; as for the girls, they think that metrosexuals are gay men but still, they want their boyfriends to take fashion tips from metrosexuals, and they even buy GQ, details and Men's Health magazines for their boyfriends so they could dress up like ~~gay men~~ metrosexuals.

As for me, I really don't care if people say that I'm a metrosexual today and a gay man tomorrow. All I know is that the guys come to me for fashion tips(though I'm not as updated now as I used to before. I blame med school for leeching all the time away!) and the girls love to have me around when they shop because they know that I'm one of the very few people around who's able to fix a wardrobe malfunction.

Metrosexual or gay? It really doesn't matter that much.

It's Not Over

2009-02-28T08:22:00.002+08:00

It may be just me but I've somehow stumbled upon some information which leads me to thinking that perhaps I was right all along. It wasn't the gaydar that was faulty, but the target.

Being a Muslim, he has to choose to have a relationship with a woman, but deep down in his heart he knows that this isn't what he wants, which is why he's always uncertain about things and has caused me to receive mixed signals from him.

A status update in his Facebook made me wonder who is he referring "die(slang for 'dia' in Malay, which means 'he/she')" to.

"Aku suka die(I like him/her)."

It could be anyone, but at 3 in the morning, I subconsciously hope that the person is me.

Perhaps, I've never really let him go but just "put into a small box and kept it away".

Skinneh Jeans

2009-02-21T06:36:00.003+08:00

For Christ's sake, can someone tell me what's wrong with guys wearing skinny jeans?

I was at class yesterday and a female friend(FF) looked at me (with horror) and asked:

FF: Is that skinny jeans you're wearing?!?!?!?!?
Me: Urh....no. It's a pair of slim jeans, if you really need to know.
FF: Don't lie! I know it's a pair of skinny jeans!
Me: Um... It REALLY is a pair of slim jeans. Skinny jeans tend to hug on your legs more, whereas slim jeans are well, for slim people like me so that we don't look too disproportionate like we do when we wear straight-cut jeans. They DON'T hug our legs. Besides, my legs are too fat to fit into skinny jeans.
FF: *looking suspicious* ........really?? But I tell you, guys shouldn't wear these type of jeans lah! They make guys look gay. UNLESS, the guy is tall and has long, slender legs.
Me: *stares at her*
FF: But you're tall la actually. But still don't wear skinny jeans la OK? They look very awful and gay.
ME: ..............

It must be the air everyone's breathing here. Somehow, none of the Malaysian students here in Moscow have any sense in fashion at all. Even I who used to have some knowledge in fashion became very much inhibited now because of the people I mix around with for the past two-and-a-half years.

Me wearing a black, full-framed glasses. Gay.

Me having a ear piercing. Gay.

Me dressing up for occasions(eg: Christmas, CNY). Gay.

Me loving shopping. Gay.

Me having not just a facial wash but also a moisturizer and toner. Gay.

Me owning lots of clothes and footwear. Gay.

With all these negative comments on whatever I do/wear, it's amazing how I'm still surviving till this very day.

Oh, because I dress down so much now to please the crowd. That's why.

Seriously, if you dare to even tell me that skinny jeans are horrendous, I ask you to explain to me why did you dress up all green from top to bottom(even your bag is green) when it's not Christmas? Did someone tell you that you would photosynthesize if you do so?

Seriously.

...And Then I Smiled

2009-02-19T16:14:00.002+08:00

It must've been quite some time since I last mentioned about Sam and all the things I encounter with him.

It must've been more than six months since I last thought and blogged about him. And that's because he doesn't occupy such a huge part of my life anymore, probably due to the fact that he isn't even slightly ghey and that he's already 'married'.

I don't know if it's just me or what but not being able to see me for two months(because I was back in Malaysia) seems to have quite a great impact on him.

I'm saying so because I've noticed that he'd been looking at me the whole morning on our first day back at school. It's not like I became much better looking over the winter holidays. Even if I did, it shouldn't be the reason for him stare at me the whole morning because he's supposed to be straight.

I knew that he was staring at me and waiting for me to acknowledge him but being the evil self, I chose to ignore him. I know I'm bad but whatever. He treated me like a dog once, so now it's payback time!

Throughout the whole day I kept a close eye on him but he must've became bored of this game because after noon he practically stopped looking at me! But he didn't last long. In the evening he was practically looking at me again in the lecture hall. Hah!

After the lecture we returned to our hostel. He lives on the first floor and me on the fifth. Thinking back how I was being cold to him the whole day, I couldn't help but feel bad. And so when I was climbing up the stairs to the second floor, I turned back, looked at him...

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2009-02-14T02:29:00.001+08:00

So, this is my last day in Kuala Lumpur for my winter break. I'll be leaving for Moscow later at night, at 9.10PM.

So many things happened in fifty-two days. From wedding parties to the New Year, to the Chinese New Year, to Chap Goh Mei.

It's Valentine's Day. It sure does feel more lonely celebrating it alone, but what the heck, life still goes on!

Stay tuned as the next post will be from Russia!

When Retail Therapy Isn't The Best De-stress Method

2009-02-08T04:01:00.004+08:00

It's the Year of The Ox. Everyone's talking about the ox, the bull, the cow, the calf and everything that grow horns and walk on fours and moos.

And if you don't already know, there's this HUGE ox ornament right outside the Jalan Bukit Bintang entrance of Pavilion KL. Not wanting to miss out on the hype(yes, I'm very competitive, even when it comes to having a look of this cow that basically doesn't do anything other than posing), I rushed to KL this afternoon(Saturday afternoon, that is) to get a glimpse of this magical animal posing in its full glory.

Other than being solid and lavishly painted in gold, the ~~cow~~ ox is just, well, an ox. But it's a totally different story if you're sexcited by the sight of its micropenis. It's not like I'm a perv or what but it's really hard not to notice the penis on that ox. I mean, if you're gonna make an ox, at least make it manlier lah(I know penis size has no relation with manhood but you gotta accept the fact that men just can't shake that off their minds). Why build such a big ox if you're gonna humiliate its manhood in public. I bet it won't cost too much to make it longer and thicker, considering the little amount of material needed to build a penis compared to the head and the horns and the body. You get what I mean.

Anyway, shall move on before this post turns into an explicit one.

So, back to the title. For many years now people have been saying that retail therapy is actually healthy for the soul, if not for the bank account. For years, I've been buying that story and will go for retail therapy at the slightest feel of stress. But it's not like I spend huge amount of money whenever I'm out. Sometimes I'll get a sweater from Armani Exchange, the jeans of Topman or the tee from Zara. But sometimes when I feel like spending but can't afford it, I'll just sit at Secret Recipe and have a slice of cake.

But this time, the time where I'm back in Malaysia-oh-the-so-called-shopping-heaven, I don't get to destress as much as I did before. I've been in Malaysia for six weeks now and I've been to all the shopping malls now(One Utama, the Curve, Mid Valley Megamall, Gardens, Pavilion, Sunway Pyramid. You name it, I've been there!) not just once but at least three times each but I've only bought an item so far. Yup, six weeks, endless shopping, only one item. Are you gonna call me God or what?

OK, I know that the economy's bad right now but we all know that the best way to revive the economy is by spending! I'm trying to do my part to help revive the economy but I think God is opposing me. Every time I enter Gap and want to get something, the size I'm looking for is always out of stock. I've tried ALL Gap outlets and they are all out of stock. Like, seriously? Are there really that many men in Malaysia with waist size of thirty inches? Every time I go out, people look at me and say "you look so skinny, you try 28 lah". I wish I could but the sad truth is if I were to force myself into a 28-inches pants I'll definitely tear it apart when I squat. Now that the truth is out, no one can say that I'm skinny anymore BECAUSE YOU AND I WEAR THE SAME SIZE ALRIGHT! OK, maybe it only applies to those with 30 inches waist but still, if 30 inches is skinny then what about those who wear size 28? Might as well just categorize them as anorexic.

Just when I thought this incident would only happen in Gap, the same incident happened in Topman. You all do know that the sizes of Topman jeans come in sizes 28, 30, 32, 34, 36 and probably 38? For Gap, I wear size 30 because Gap's clothes are always bigger. For other labels, I'm usually on size 31. In Topman, there's no such thing as size 31. Either you're 30 or 32. If you can't comfortably fit into either one, you fuck off. Me being the usual stupid guy, thought "maybe I'll just get the size 32 so that I can still fit into it when I grow sideways next time. For now a belt will do the job". And so when I thought the problem with my jeans is solved, here comes the problem of the belt. There was this belt which I bought four years ago(the peak of me trying to be a lala. Yes, it's sad but I once did worship the God of Lala) which I thought was cool back then but now that I've outgrown the lala-ness, I find the belt very inappropriate. So I had to search high and low for a belt that looks decent and a little bit towards the high fashion side. Guess what? A year have passed and I'm still walking around shopping malls with the lala belt.

Like, major sigh la! Either the nice ones are taken or they're at least RM239(damn you Armani Exchange!). And the closest ones I could find just don't seem to be up to my expectations. Or maybe it's the other way around. But just know that I'll be stuck for the lala belt for another 4-5 months if I don't get a nice belt within a week!

Don't even get me started with the amount of clothes I've tried and couldn't get the sizes I want. Like, almost everyone my size has to happen to like the same shirt as I and get them before me. Like, IF YOU ALL THINK THAT I'M SKINNY THEN WHY YOU ALL FIGHTING FOR SIZE M CLOTHES WITH ME?!?!!?!?!? If you like body-hugging tees then at least tone your body so that it's your pecs and your abs that the tee is hugging and not your tummy. Or if you really like body-hugging tees, might as well just wear tank top all the time la, that way you can show off your body as long as you want.

ONLY PEOPLE WITH PECS AND ABS SHOULD WEAR BODY-HUGGING SHIRTS! IF YOU DON'T HAVE THEM THEN PLEASE BUY SIZE L CLOTHES, DON'T FORCE YOURSELF INTO A SIZE M AND SUCK IN THE TUMMY WHEN YOU WALK.

See, retail therapy can be painful at times. But being the stupid me, I won't give up until the very last day I'm in Malaysia. I gotta buy some clothes and bring back to Russia la, if not I appeal for 30kgs of check-in baggage weight for what?

Share The Great Music

2009-02-02T04:18:00.002+08:00

I've been looking for this new single from Colton Ford online but it's only available on US' iTunes Store.

It's called 'Trouble'. If anyone has it, mind sharing it with me? =)

Gay-O-Meter

2009-01-28T03:55:00.003+08:00

Was blog hopping and I came across this blog whose owner took a test on how gay he is and scored a perfect 100%. But he wasn't quite happy with his score because he thought that he was less gay than he thought.

I was curious and wanted to know more about this Gay-O-Meter, so I clicked on the link he provided and took the test myself. Scored 40% and the remark was "you're open minded between the sheets but rarely show your gay side when out on the streets". I for one thought that the test was quite accurate, though I also agree with the blogger that people shouldn't determine how gay a person is from conducting questionnaires.

There was this question from the questionnaire which I found quite offensive:

Q: When you were young did you prefer to be a:
Option A: A cowboy
Option B: An indian

Like, what the hell is your problem?! What's wrong with choosing to be an Indian(though I picked the first option) over a cowboy? Now I ain't no hypocrite because the question didn't require me to choose between American or Indian, I chose to be a cowboy because cowboys are cool(regardless of the race). But I think it's just inappropriate to make fun of other races, especially websites which have many visitors each day!

What if I were to create a questionnaire someday and one of the questions looked like this:

Q: Who'd be the most honourable leader of the 21st Century?
Option A: George W. Bush
Option B: Osama bin Laden

or

Q: If you had the chance would you want to be:
Option A: A rich American but dealing with serious weight issues(and possible weight-related diseases)
Option B: A poor Indian but is a healthy man

I'm 167% sure that the Americans would all donate one cent per person to buy explosives and have them DHL-ed to my house and remotely trigger it through the Internet/satellite/whatsoever.

Or maybe I'll just gain popularity and support from the Asians and be on the covers of newspapers worldwide, then the Americans can't kill me because it would be very obvious that I was assassinated if I were to die a sudden death.

I think I need my sleep now. I am not making sense anymore. Can't blame it though as it's almost four in the morning and I'm still awake. And I have to attend a family brunch at 11AM! That means seven hours in total to sleep, wake up, take a dump, take shower and leave fifteen minutes before the appointed time.

Goodnight everyone. Do drop by to take a test though.

农历新年快乐!

2009-01-25T10:55:00.001+08:00

I suppose this will be the only chance I get to wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year before it's too late, assuming that there are lots of preparations to be done and also last-last-minute shopping to be done(I can't believe that I've been shopping for CNY clothing for 3 weeks but only gotten ONE shirt!).

So, that's about it. I wish everyone a Happy CNY, and will the Year of Ox bring us health, wealth(by knocking the stock up with its horns), more wealth, global peace, and also, change(President Obama promised to bring changes to the world, didn't he?)!

See ya all real soon!

I'm Not Lovin' It

2009-01-22T04:55:00.006+08:00

A and I have been going out alone for the past three days. We had dinner and hanged out at McD on Monday, watched "REC", had dinner and hanged out at Starbucks on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, we hanged out at Starbucks again. Just that on Wednesday, we met because he was supposed to meet his ex too and he thought that it'd be awkward to be just the two of them, so I was asked to join them.

His ex joined us for less than two hours and he left, which left the two of us, alone, AGAIN. Not wanting to stay at Starbucks any longer(A had diarrhea after he had the Americano on Tuesday night), we went to McD, again(we're just not very good at suggesting places to hang out). Thank goodness we stayed there till 4AM, because our initial plan was to go shopping at Pavilion today(Thursday), but has to be cancelled now because we both are very sure that we won't be awake till at least 12PM. But we're meeting up again on Friday to catch "Red Cliff II" on the big screen.

I'm starting to see things clearer now. He had been asking me out for the past three days because he was lonely and he knew I wouldn't reject him. He asked me out to Starbucks on Wednesday because he didn't want to feel 'awkward' being alone with his ex. We have been going out for the past three days but he never fails to mention about his ex each day. He basically just think of me as a friend, perhaps a very good friend but I doubt it. In fact, I'm quite sure that if it wasn't for the fact that his friends from university have either gone overseas or that they've gone back to their hometown to celebrate Chinese New Year, he wouldn't even ask me out. I'm merely a tool.

Seriously, we hadn't been all that close after college, and even when I returned to Malaysia on December last year, we hadn't contacted one another. It was until he was done with his exams that he actually contacted me. But I can't put all the blame on him. He might be the one asking me out whenever he feels lonely or bored, but it was me who always made myself available for him. I blame myself for being so soft-hearted when it comes to him.

Now that I know he still has some feelings for his ex and isn't really ready for a new relationship, I should be thinking for myself too. I am done being nice, hoping that someday he'll realize and actually give us a chance. I am done going out on dinners with him. I am done watching movies in the cinemas with him. I'm done listening to him whine. I'm done trying to fool myself into thinking that we're somewhat dating.

Seriously, I don't even know why I agreed having dinners with him, don't even know why we watched movies together, don't even know why we hanged out at Starbucks till 2AM. It's not like I do not have better things to do.

And we even sat at McD till 4AM? Heck, I don't even have that much to talk to my parents, at least not for three consecutive days!

And So We Went On A Date

2009-01-20T02:55:00.007+08:00

Note: This entry is a continuation of this and this. Make sure you read them before proceeding.

So we went on a date on Monday. It's a date right, when two people go for dinner or watch a movie together or just hang out together? It felt kinda weird to me because the last time I went out with someone - just me and another person- was like, a year and a half ago? It felt even more weird when we dined at a cafe/bistro where the lights are dimly lit with soft jazz music. It was quite romantic, but the problem is that since that place is a very famous spot for people to loosen up after a hard day's work, it was kinda packed downstairs. We opted to dine upstairs where there were lesser people but since the stairs are in the middle of the cafe, we had to walk past quite a number of patrons to get to the stairs. Most of them stared at us as we walked past them, but we can't blame them really. How often do you see TWO GUYS walk into a cafe with dimly lit lights and jazz music playing on the stereo? Thank Lord they did not raise their eyebrows on us.

After we were brought to our table, we ordered food and started chatting. Everything's alright, food's alright(albeit a little costly for deep fried fish and chips), we chatted some more about random things, until a waiter came to us and ask if we would like to order more food because it'd be the last order. We politely said we're fine and went on chatting.

Suddenly, the already dim lights were dimmed some more. We were close to sticking our noses not more than two inches away from the plate to look at our food. It was only about a good five minutes later did they decide to turn up the lights. It was good that they turned the lights back on because if I'm left in the dark any longer, my nose would stick into the tartar sauce. What's not good about it was they only turned up the lights above the occupied tables. There were only three occupied tables on our floor, so basically the whole floor's dark except for the three tables, including mine. We're obviously at the center of attention because one of the other two tables was a family celebrating birthday of a family member and the other, a group of friends dining after work.

After dinner, we called up another friend and all three of us had ice-creams in McD. Yes, just ice-cream in McD. It's quite good actually to just hang out in McD instead of sight-seeing(we actually went around Bangsar and looked at beautiful houses before meeting up with the other friend) or catching a movie.

If it's a date, I'd give it 8/10.

Just that it's not one. Over dinner, he asked me many questions about his ex(he thinks I'm his ex's BFF). He said his ex asked him and some other friends(me included) out tomorrow, just that it's 2.20AM now and his ex has yet to text/call me and ask me out. He told me he asked his ex and another friend to join us for dinner but they couldn't make it, that's why it was only the two of us. He asked me to accompany him if they're to hang out tomorrow(not because he didn't want to go out alone with his ex, he really wants to! It's just that his ex has a boyfriend now and my friend, A finds that it'll be very awkward for them to go out by themselves). When I told him that his ex is very happy with his new found lover, A got emo and said he didn't want to see his ex anymore. On the way back to my place, he kept asking me to introduce some people to him, why does it seem so hard for him to look for someone he likes, and if he should set-up an online profile to get to know people.

I did my part dropping hints to him. I told him he should stop thinking of his ex as a lover but a friend in order for him to move on with life and meet up new people. I told him I'm not a love guru as I've experienced failed relationships. I told him I'm also single and I'm not seeing someone and there's no one in my uni which I have the slightest feeling for(which isn't very true, but I lied anyway to banish any insecurity in him if he were to ever consider me a potential boyfriend). I too asked him if there's anyone he can introduce me to.

As he became less inhibited emotionally, he actually asked me to visit him in Ireland in the future. He too asked me to work in Australia together with him after graduation. He also told me to help him look for and choose places to live when he goes to Ireland this September. He also asked me to accompany him shopping. And at some point he kept telling me that his car has very little fuel and it's only sufficient to bring us to his house, and that I could stay over because his sister is out of town(gasp!). But soon after that his emotions got a little inhibited and he suggested alternatives like going to a petrol station and fuel up, then drive back to his house and I can drive his car back to my house; and me taking a taxi home. But it's very hard to decipher his words, because now he'll be driving on the road and tease me by telling me he'll turn left when the road to my house is on the right or steering the car to the left and to the right(nothing to worry about as there wasn't any car around us) of the road, and the next moment he'll just get very serious.

Still, like I've already said, if this was a date, I'd give it an 8/10. It'd be good if he could get my hints and decide to do something about, but if he doesn't, I guess I'm OK with him being my friend. Better willingly than forced.

What about me taking the first move? To be true, I'm actually considering it, but I dare not pop the question so soon as we just started talking and texting each other and hanging out with each other alot again. I'm taking it slow and hopefully when the time is right - and that I'm still in the country -, I could ask him to be my boyfriend. Of course it's best if he accepts, but if he doesn't, at least we have the whole of spring away from each other, with me in Moscow and him in KL, thinking about how we're gonna face each other when we meet during my summer break as friends.

It looks like I already have a full plan, don't I?

Mr Right?

2009-01-18T23:29:00.005+08:00

Well, just few days ago I blogged about finding Mr/Ms Right. I don't know for sure yet but I think God had somehow read my blog and decided to throw in the 'right' person to handle my situation.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I think Mr Right has appeared in my life. Well, he didn't just appear in my life suddenly but he's been in my life for the past four years. I had a girl and he had a guy back then, so there wasn't any chemistry 'of that sort' between us. And after he broke up with his boyfriend, he got so sad that he attempted to 'bend himself straight'. It never happen, of course.

Less than a month after my break-up, I went to Moscow, so the timing was just not right. It's been two-and-a-half years now and it seems to be the right time for the both of us to get partners again. And the timing couldn't get more appropriate than now, with me back in Malaysia for winter break(the first time in three winters), and him leaving for Ireland to continue his second phase in Medicine in March.

He claimed that he lost my contact numbers when I first met him back here in Malaysia. After getting my number, he started texting me. Nothing much at first, just some usual chat and some lame jokes. But today(it's still happening right now as I'm writing this post, to be more accurate), the texts are just weird.

A: So, you free tomorrow night?
Me: Yeah, why? Where do you wanna go?
A: Anywhere that we can have dinner?
Me: Where do you suggest?
A: You decide la, you haven't been in Malaysia for so long already.
Me: I pretty much have eaten everything I feel like eating. You know more places to dine, you decide.
A: Hmm... Soul Out? Haven't been there for a long time. Have you been there?
Me: Nope. And don't even ask if I know the way there!
A: Fine, I'll pick you up.

It could be a date, or not. Just a couple of days ago he texted me telling me that he still miss his ex but since his ex has a new boyfriend now, he just hope that they can still be friends. Maybe he just wanna ask me out so that he can tell me about the things he's been going through after their break-up and ask me if there's anything that can be done about it? Or maybe it was just a dinner because he couldn't look for someone to have dinner with him.

I don't know but I always thought there's something different between how me and A treat our other friends and how we treat each other. He doesn't go around tickling others except me, he doesn't rest his head on other people's shoulders except me. In fact, I was the only person who knows that he still misses his ex alot(even though he was the one who asked for the break-up).

What would it be? Dinner or date? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Mr/Ms Right

2009-01-16T15:30:00.001+08:00

It's inevitable that many, if not most, people search for potential date partners online nowadays. It's not exactly bad but I don't think I'm a fan of it.

Maybe it's the way I was brought up by my family. To us, getting to know someone is to actually meet the person in person and see how things go. Like, you go to the grocery, sees a person that you're interested in, try to make small talks and see where it brings you to. It's definitely not going online, searching/filtering profiles and select a few potential date partners, chat online for several months before deciding to meet up. I think it's a plain waste of time if the person is not the one.

Besides, it's the Internet. So much can you trust another person whom you've never seen? You might be talking to a beast disguised as a harmless lamb. You might be flirting with a rapist who sweet-talks on MSN and then date-rapes you. Also, the inaccuracy of the information you get about a person online. A person can brag about having a six-pack or having busts of 37"-24"-38". A person can heavily photoshop his or her facial features before uploading it online. A person can also be sweet and nice online but is actually an abuser of sorts.

Not to forget the amount of people who are actually looking for ONSs instead of steady relationships.

But I do agree that there are people who manage to look for happiness through online profiling. After all, the Internet is the place where anything can happen.

Seeing people with happy relationships make me feel envious. It makes me feel like I'll never be loved by anyone else other than my family. It's not that I don't treasure the love of my family for me, it's just that at some point in my life, when my parents age and siblings have their own families to attend to, I too need to look for this special someone.

But it's gonna be an extremely tedious task, as I do not have an online profile(other than Facebook and Friendster, which both aren't exactly tools to search for date partners) and also I'm not good at meeting new people and making conversations.

I blame my previous relationship for making me long for love now. If I hadn't asked her to be my girlfriend, if I hadn't even started any relationship with anyone before, maybe I wouldn't be craving for love. After all, love is like a drug. Taste a bit of it and it'll leave you wanting more.

Nine months and nine days, that was how long our relationship lasted, and every day since the break-up, life just suck even more. The pain had long subsided, but the feeling of emptiness becomes greater each day.

Note: Mr Joey's back in KL! Welcome back Joey!

Womanizer

2009-01-14T16:13:00.003+08:00

I've returned to Malaysia for more than three weeks now and finally, about two days ago, I got to watch Britney's "Womanizer" music video on MTV Asia.

As usual, Malaysia, being an Islamic country, has censored most(if not all) parts of the music video where Britney bared it all, all oiled up and snaked around the bench in the sauna. That was within my prediction. What wasn't within my prediction was that they did not censor a single part of Mr Womanizer a.k.a. Brandon Stoughton "nekkid" and washing himself. You know, the later part of the movie where Britney sings to the tune "womanizer...oh womanizer..." and Mr Stoughton in the shower washing his pecs.

Not that I'm complaining(I'm as thrilled looking Mr Womanizer nekkid as looking Ms Spears all nekkid and oiled up), though. What I didn't saw coming was that the Malaysian censorship department actually allowed Mr Stoughton to wash(caress?) his pecs, slow-mo style, on Malaysian TV! That's like, super hot!

But then again, if you allow such content to be aired, why don't you allow Ms Spears to flaunt her goods on air? I mean, if Mr Stoughton can show his pecs and washboard abs on air, why not Ms Spears? If you wanna define private parts, boobs aren't exactly 'private'. If that is so, I think we should start banning Men's Health, GQ and Details magazines.

But this is Malaysia, anything unexpected can and will happen! Now they say girls can't flaunt boobies on TV or in public as it'll stimulate men to commit crimes such as rape, though I strongly believe that has no direct relationship with rape. If that is so, I suggest men to button-up their shirts. Who knows, today you flaunt some rock-hard pecs and abs in public, tomorrow you'll be on the front page of the local newspapers. Reason? Got raped and murdered by some hot-blooded, sex-lusting female(or male) who can't resist her/himself from ~~sucking on those juicy nipples and rock-hard abs~~ the temptation.

That being said, it really is a matter of time before the Malaysian government ban any content which contains topless males showing off their goods which they spent half their lives trying to build to please their fans. Best of all, just ban all western materials from airing and make rules for the locals.

"Whoever caught with anything less than a full buttoned-up shirt and a buckled up pants will be fined a maximum of RM10,000 and(or) not more than 2 years of jail." Cool innit. That's a very mild punishment compared to the fine and jail time for not having your seat belts buckled up.

It'll take me years to point out the flaws of the government but I'd choose not to, as I have much better things to do than getting involved in the game called politics which many adults can't stop playing. And by saying that I don't mean that I don't care about the Malaysian politics. I am Malaysian enough to care about my country, but also smart enough to use my energy on other stuffs than to join demonstrations or shout out to the government about the flaws that needs corrected. It's not like we'll ever be heard anyway.

At times like this, you thank Britney for her great songs. They really take you out of the bad situations you're in.

"Boy don't try to front I (I) know just (just) what you are (are are),
Womanizer, Woman....Womanizer, You're A Womanizer, Oh,
Womanizer, Oh, You're A Womanizer, Baby"

Keep 'Em Coming

2008-12-04T07:23:00.007+08:00

I almost knocked myself over in the hospital this afternoon. No, I wasn't ill that I required hospitalization, and not to the extent of not being able to walk properly. I wasn't even ill in the first place!

Had practical lesson in the hospital today, that's why I was in the hospital. But that wasn't the point. The point is, I almost knocked myself over in the hospital.

Was walking to the wards with the doctor to see patients, but at the corridor we(I?) were greeted by another doctor who was on his way back to the classroom after taking his students to see patients in another ward.

It wasn't just any other old, shabby-looking doctor. It was a HOT Russian doctor. So hot that I was totally mesmerized and nearly missed a step on the stairs.

He isn't tall, about 172-175cm, but his other strong features made him stood out in the crowd. At least that's what I think. The blue eyes(ahhhhhhh.......), the facial hair(shaved no longer than 3 days ago, so the length is just the way I like it. And have I not told you guys before that I have a fetish for such facial hair?), that almost model-like jawline(I LOVE such jawlines), that moderate body built(unlike gym bunnies, but more fit than those who hide under their covers at home wasting their muscles[like me]), and also the gorgeous smile that will melt everyone's heart. And based on my observation, I think he's no more than 30 years ago, if not less. Imagine such a perfect package walking past you, it's imposibble to keep an eye on him and also watch my steps as I walk down the stairs.

Total hotness. What's there not to like a hot, young doctor? Hot - everyone wants to do hot people. Young - that tender flesh...whoa! Doctor - please, don't tell me there's a single person on this earth that actually doesn't want/wish/think of doing the dirty with a doctor. And once again I emphasize that when all these goodness come in a package, it's just impossible to resist it. It's always easier to give in to temptations that fight against them.

Too bad I don't think there's even a slight chance of seeing him wave the rainbow flag. Maybe being hot and young and also a doctor can be bad at times, because I actually saw him played along with his female students' flirtations(yes, students! 3 of them to be accurate!). What a let down.

But to think on the bright side, now that I know there's a hot, young doctor who works in that hospital, I know where to get my dose of eye candy every Tuesday. Once a week, not too sweet for the body to handle yea?

The Prelude

2008-12-01T10:43:00.011+08:00

What's it like to be cheated? Cheated by a friend whom you knew for more than half your life. A friend whom you knew since like, 8?

I need to vent, but can't find the time to. And it sucks.

I may seem to be blogging now but I'm not. I'm just trying to release some of the anger like how you pour out some water from a glass but not all because you don't have the time to.

OK that was a bad way to describe it but whatever, long entry coming soon. Be prepared.

In the mean time, munch on some hot, handsome man meat. Chad Pinther's meat that is.

I Am Less Than Good

2008-11-21T07:48:00.001+08:00

Guess what? Great Alex just failed his exam today. Let's celebrate!

So much for being a "proud Taylor's College CAL student". I don't live up to the title. It's a shame for both Taylor's and Cambridge to have me as their student.

On the brighter side, I have finally realize that there's no point wasting all that time telling people how good I can be in studies if I want to but I didn't have to prove it because it was already proven in the past that I am good in my studies. People don't care what I used to be, how great I used to perform. They only care how I perform now. And whatever I've been doing here in Moscow for the past three years is nowhere near good.

I am lazy, and this is the main reason why I've been performing so poorly. And me going around telling people I'm good isn't helping. So it's time to really sit down and study. No more screw-ups. No more.

Hate to say this but I now know why my mom used to compare me with my other friends who score better grades instead of those who don't. Comparison and competition is what makes a person achieve better results. I so need that right now.

Off to resume my geeky life which I've left behind years ago. Hopefully it's not too late now.

And by the way, there isn't much improvement to my dreams yet. At times I still look at myself in the mirror for a little too long, thinking of ways to increase height and so on. I've been a bad boy. I give myself a C-.

Till next time.

When The Sun Rises

2008-11-08T08:06:00.003+08:00

When the sun rises, we wake up from our dreams and start the day. Unfortunately, some people(including myself) fail to fully awake. They may seem awake but they still dream, daydreaming that is.

Remember how I've once said that I wanted to be a fashion designer, a model, a fashion photographer, everything to do with fashion except Medicine which is the course I'm doing? Remember how I've later said that I know I can't be a fashion designer and a model and will pursue my dream as a fashion photographer? I thought I have finally waken up from my dream.

I did, just that the dream I've waken up from was part of the bigger dream I'm having.

This whole fantasy of mine is eating me up, physically and mentally. I've wasted lots of time surfing the web trying to see if by some miracle I can fit in as the next or probably first Asian/Malaysian male model who made it into the big scene under big agencies like Elite Model Management, New York Model Management, etc.. Not only am I deprived of sleep, my health is also affected as my eating habits are not normal anymore, sometimes 2 meals a day or worse, once a day. Besides, I've also neglected my studies, thinking that if I could ever enter the industry, I wouldn't be needing the education. Besides, I would look at the mirror all day thinking of ways to make my hair look good, thinking of the products I should apply on my skin, how to create that masculine look like the other male models in advertorials.

What I failed to realise that at a mere 5'11", Asian, and not having the perfect jawline any modeling agency's looking for, I am nowhere near the industry. Heck, even if I made it, I would merely appear as the 'new look' and that's all.

It's time to wake up, and this time, it's for real. This time, I'm gonna do it step by step. I must stop dreaming about becoming a model, a fashion designer, a fashion photographer(or maybe not) and just concentrate in my studies and become a good doctor in the future. And it all starts with the male model dream.

Good Lord, I sound like a drug addict with withdrawal syndrome.

Easy to say, but it's totally another story when it comes to actually be in 'rehab'. I've been telling myself to end this male model dream but just this morning, I found myself searching for pictures of Chad White(male model, hot male model, if you don't already know), and before I know it, I was searching for his portfolio, and you know where it led me to.

I give myself an 'E' for my performances so far. Will update once a week about my progress, so don't go away!

Change Has Come

2008-11-06T00:17:00.003+08:00

Now that Obama is the new President, change has come! The LGBT community doesn't have to be afraid of anyone anymore with Obama's support!

Obama you rock!

I Suck At Everything

2008-10-21T07:32:00.002+08:00

Celebrated my 21st birthday not long ago. Birthday song and cakes as usual, but this was actually the first time I celebrated my birthday with booze. A grown up man at last eh?

Other than that, other post-birthday plans were flopped. Was supposed to meet up with some other friends to have dinner but totally forgot about it. This is what happens when you let me be in-charge of an event.

And to make things worse, ever since I got internet, I've been all hyped over the net and forgot about my studies, like totally. Barely surviving my exams, not to mention those which I've skipped or postponed. Took a week for me to get accustomed with my new life and start picking up books from wherever I'd left them.

But it takes only a mere 5 minutes to distract me with something new in the net. Explains why I'm here so early in the morning.

Nothing much to update actually, just needed something to do besides studying. I'm starting to question myself if Medicine is what I really want. Used to think of becoming a designer, but let the dream go due to my terrible drawing skills and the inability to be innovative. Thought of becoming a model but didn't have the looks and the height(an inch more, damn it!). That left me with very few choices, to be a doctor or an engineer or a businessman. I'm not innovative, so I'll never be rich as a businessman. I hated physics, so engineer wasn't really an idea. So I'm left with one choice.

But it was not until many years later did I realise that there is this one job that not only can make money and become famous, but also get to know models and designers. A fashion photographer! Why have I not thought of that earlier?! If only I've got to know about America's Next Top Model sooner. And now that I own a dSLR, there's even more reason for me to quit Medicine and become a fashion photographer, though it might take quite some years before I become good at what I'm doing and get noticed. But hey, I have more reasons to become a fashion photographer than a doctor!

Ugh, I hate what I'm doing with my life now. If only I could return to the past, I'll make the 10-year-old me know that a fashion photographer IS way cooler than a doctor. Like, waaaaaaay cooler.

Look Who's Back!

2008-10-13T03:08:00.001+08:00

Finally, internet connection in my room!

A little present for all, please accept it.

Don't know who he is? He's the male model in Britney Spears' new song 'Womanizer'. He is so hot that I won't blame him for being a womanizer because I'm sure he himself can't stop the girls from loving him! Why reject them when it's easier to just accept them?

Oh, he's also a Calvin Klein model, and look at that BULGE he has! I wish I could wrap my hands around the waistband and take the brief off and indulge in the monster residing in it.

Anyway, I'm now back, stay tuned for more entries!

I Love My iPod Touch

2008-10-02T12:59:00.002+08:00

The title says all.

I'm now back in the Russian Federation. Until I get Internet connection at my place, I won't be blogging much.

Thanks to the iPod with the ability to go online, I can get online at places with Wi-Fi.

Ah, thank Steve Jobs for the great invention.

The only drawback is the short battery-life.

You know what I mean. It means I gotta go now.

I know this entry doesn't make sense. I just wanna let you guys know that I have yet to abandon this blog. More juicy entries to come, stay tuned!

Love Sucks, No?

2008-08-15T03:44:00.002+08:00

Everyone seems to be depressed over love issues lately, so I thought I might as well just be "the other guy who's also depressed over ~~stupid~~ love issues".

Haha.

No la, actually I do have love issues, just that I never had the mood to blog about it. Or rather I still feel unsecure blogging anonymously in my private blog because technology is so advanced that anyone could trace me easily if they want to(though I see no reason why they want to do so as I'm no celebrity). But then again, never try, never know.

*takes deep breath*

It really sucks to fall in love with a person, especially when the 'person' is a guy. And what makes it suck more is that I do not have the courage to tell the person that I like him. Seriously, it's not easy to confess to a person whom you've known for more than half your life because, if the person is not gay, you would lose more than just a friend.

But still what I fear more is rejection la.

I'm not making sense, AGAIN. I never make sense, do I?

I miss being in the same class with him when we were little. I miss playing soccer with him at the field near the place we live. I miss going for tuition lessons with him. I miss holding hands with him. I miss sleeping next to him when I sleep-over at his place. I miss being intimate with him.

I basically just miss him.

Academically, I made the right choice to go to college instead of staying back and do Form 6. Academically, I made the right choice to pursue further studies overseas instead of studying in a local university. But did I really made the right choice when it comes to living my life?

The both of us are passive. If I don't text you first, I'll never hear from you. If I don't ask you out first, I'll never get to see you. I may be the one who always make the first move, but that's not what I do. Even if it's you, I find it very hard to be the one who always text you first, to ask you out, or to initiate a conversation.

But then it's you, that's why every time I tell myself it's worth it. And I clearly know it's a lie. Because every time when you don't have anything more to say to me, you just don't reply. And I'll keep waiting and waiting for the reply from you which I know I'll never receive.

But still I never gave up hope, because it's you.

Remember the time where we went out for a 'date' last year? I really was very happy that day. I bought the movie tickets and you got the popcorns and drinks. I held your hands when I felt cold, and you didn't protest. You even bought us ice-cream after the movie. And that plane too.

Everything was good. So good.

But there's this thing which I can't get off my mind. A year ago, before our date, I was told by a friend that you have a girlfriend. And the girl was my classmate back in primary school. What a small world. But then again it was said to be a "rumour", as most people never see the both of you actually hang out together. And the only proof they have is that you always nominate her to be in the organizing committee of any sort.

But that is enough to doubt me. I could've asked; it's not a very tough job anyway, but then again it's not easy to actually bring myself to ask him. What if he's really with the girl? What if he's with the girl but found out that he doesn't like girls but also didn't want to let me know that he's gay?

What if-s.

We didn't get the chance to hang out (just the two of us) this year, mostly because we were both working part-time and when we both stopped working, you had to continue your studies. We don't seem that close anymore as we both talk less about ourselves but when we were positioned together to take pictures, I could feel the barrier between us vanished and felt as though we were both transported back to the time where we still share a lot of things in common. We didn't feel awkward when our pictures were taken. In fact, we both enjoyed it very much.

I can't help to ask myself if you have any feelings for me? Something more than just friends. If there is, what are your plans? Because what I feel is that you don't want to be too attached to me, but you can't help it when we hang out together. Some parts of you want me, but you fear the relationship will wither very soon as you are here in Malaysia and I in Moscow. And the best solution you've came up with is to keep in touch with each other, but at the meantime give each other the opportunity to meet someone new. If, by the time we both graduate and we both work in Malaysia and we both don't have partners, you'll give this relationship a chance.

Fairy tale-ish eh? Maybe this isn't the impression you've given me but the impression I want to believe to be true. I know I suck.

Anyway, I suppose this is the best solution for the both of us now, since we(I?) don't know what we want in life yet. It's good in a way too, as in we both don't get burdened by commitments, so we could go all out and meet new people and see if there's anyone that catches our attention. If by the time I graduate(and you have long graduated) and we don't have partners, we could give it a try. Who knows, years of waiting would be paid off if we really are meant for each other.

But let's not get all my hopes high now, because it'll really hurt if things don't progress the way I want it to.

Four more years to go. Till then, we shall just concentrate on our studies AND keep in touch. To keep the flame alive ma.

Why I Hate My Brother

2008-08-01T15:14:00.003+08:00

Ok, maybe not hate, but at times I really think that he's an ass.

OK I'M SUPER HIGH NOW SO I'LL CRAP RANDOM STUFF. IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED THEN JUST LEAVE.

Here goes.

I don't think you guys know about this but I've been working in an IT company for almost a month now and today's my last day of work! It's been so fun working here, learning new stuff, meeting new people, ~~sucking money from the company, free access to the web and MSN~~, and many more.

But still the thing that got me thru the days is the eye candy. Yes, THE eye candy. For the 153293849057120934th time telling you, I'm a sucker for guys with sideburns. No, not ordinary untrimmed sideburn, but those nicely trimmed sideburns that make a guy look more macho. And I just found out that I'm a sucker for guys with droopy eyes too. Their eyes make them look gloomy and when you look at them, you just can't resist yourself from giving them big bear hugs.

Yes, there is such a guy in the company, and he happens to work in the same office as I am, and his cubicle is situated at a very strategic place a.k.a. next-to-the-pantry! Come on, who doesn't go to the pantry? So yeah, every day, I'll go to the pantry for 230597238052634 times just to get a glimpse of him. He seems to be oblivious of his surroundings(or maybe he's just too dedicated to his job), whenever I(or anyone) walks pass his cubicle, he won't lift his head up to see who it is. Not even once. But yesterday, when I exited from the pantry, he lifted his head up and looked. I almost died when our eyes met. I did not predict such an event would ever occur in this 1 month time wokring in the company, I was caught unprepared. I did what I do best. I quickly looked away and walk. Fast. So fast that I might as well just run.

I know. I easily got obssessed with someone and will later find it very hard to get him/her out of my mind. But who cares, I only live life once, and I'm gonna go out and drool and hurt myself as much as possible because who knows, I might die tomorrow due to a tiny aneurysm in my brain.

What my bro did didn't help. Whenever 'THE eye candy' a.k.a. Justin is in sight, he would tease me.

Bro: Look, Justin's here.
Alex: Where?!!
Bro: There, there. Aiyer somebody like this kind of guy..
Alex: Duh! He has nice sideburns and he very cute can!
Bro: Of course, of course. So, go say Hi to him la. Who knows he might be interested in you too?
Alex: Yer dowan, later I freak him out.
Bro: Aww come on, no harm trying right?

I hate my bro!!! I used to ONLY admire Justin, but now my bro's screwing with my brain, making me confused. I dunno lah, Justin is not my ideal type but if that's the only choice I have, I would grab hold of it, HARD.

And Justin's a banana(Chinese who doesn't speak Mandarin or Cantonese). I'm not a big fan of Asians, but whenever there's an Asian that interests me(esp Malaysians), he/she has to be a banana. I dunno why but bananas look different from the typical Chineseeee. They somehow look better, speak better English(people who cannot speak proper English irritates me to the core), and have better taste in fashion.

IT'S BLARDY LAST DAY OF WORK. AND MY BRO HAS TO CHOOSE THIS VERY DAY TO STIR THINGS UP TO MAKE ME DON'T FEEL LIKE LEAVING THIS PLACE BECAUSE I WON'T HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE JUSTIN AGAIN.

But if the company has any business trades with companies in Moscow, and if Justin happens to be sent there, I would drop everything at hand and show him his way around Moscow and also 'give in to his needs', if he ever needs it from me.

I'm sick, I know.

Red Cliff

2008-07-24T02:02:00.003+08:00

When I first saw the poster, I told myself that I must watch it. Being a Chinese, there's no way I can pass on this movie(not when it's about the infamous Three Kingdoms!). Besides, my knowledge in Chinese history sucked, so I thought it wouldn't harm to lay back, grab some popcorn and coke and watch the movie while picking up knowledge about "the Three Kingdoms".

I must be a genius to have thought of this.

It's a great prelude to the second part of the story which will involve lots of battle scenes, but I wouldn't mind if they would just combine both parts into one long movie. Even though I know what happened later(it's history, and then again my history didn't really suck that bad), I just didn't like the feeling of watching a movie and leaving it hanging halfway. And I didn't pay RM11 to watch a movie which ends with a "To be continued". They better not make me pay for the second part of the movie, because only we Asians are watching this movie in two parts! It's true! Surf the web, and you'll be shocked to find that only in Asian countries that the movie was split into two parts. Boo.

But then again, this movie is great and is a must watch! You'll regret if if you didn't watch it!

And I've said that my hottie Dominic will be here to stun anyone who visits this blog. I did not forget!

Don't you just love him? Unfortunately, he's taken. By me. Heh.

Till next time!

My New Man Candy

2008-07-22T01:14:00.001+08:00

My latest model crush, Dominic Figlio! I first saw his face somewhere in a picture which I didn't know how I gain possession of, so all I could do is look at that one picture over and over again. But recently, I came across several bloggers which highlighted this model in their blogs. This was how I got to know his name and why did he become famous. Apparently, he was from "The Janice Dickinson Modelling Agency", and that the judge favoured him for his "masculine looks and well-proportioned body".

I totally agree.

Standing at 6'1" and wieghing 190lbs, Dominic is like the model of all models. Not to mention his body which everyone would describe as "a Greek God". And that's not it. He has good looks too. With the perfect formula of creating a beautiful person, Dominic has risen and charmed not only girls but also the guys(both gay and straight). And I am proud to say that I am indeed charmed by him.

And him posing only in his 2(x)ist underwear did not help a single bit. I gasped at the sight of him in only his underwear and almost forgot to breathe. The visual stimulation was so strong that my vagus nerve, pons and medulla oblongata went haywire and momentarily dropped their jobs to feed on some man candy.

I know that you guys can't wait to scroll back up to have a look at Dominic again. Go ahead, I'm done for now anyway.

Until the next entry, Dominic shall stay to stun every person who visits my blog. Nitey all!

The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part III

2008-07-15T03:15:00.002+08:00

So, the second part of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX" ended with the 'date' of me and 'The BF' hanging in mid air. What happened after having ice-creams at Baskin Robbins'?

Well, on that day, there were events going on. I don't even know what event it was(you guys know how The Curve always has flea market and so many other events that people just go there to see if there's anything interesting going on). So, there were people selling this airplane thingy that so when you swing your hand and let go of it, it'll somehow fly and return to you(something like a boomerang).

This! I've shown this pic before!

I told him it looked fun and he asked if I wanted one. You know the answer.

Talk about the plane, I don't even know where it went. Can't blame me, I'm not a good keeper and that I'm well-known for misplacing my stuffs. Plus, our 'date' was only a few weeks before leaving for Russia. I was busy packing my stuffs and didn't know where it went.

I have a strong feeling I played with the plane too much that it broke and threw it away. Gotta go check if it's hidden somewhere underneath my pile of old clothes. If it's not there, I don't know where it could be.

So, that was our first 'date'. And it was a pretty good one. It could've been better if I had the courage to propose to him. But I didn't want to rush things. After all, we haven't been in much contact for the past 2-3 years and I don't want to go on a 'date' with him once and then ask him to be my boyfriend.

That was last year.

This year, things were different. I've been back for a month but we haven't gone out on a date yet. Not that I've not seen him yet, I did, just that we didn't get the chance to go out alone, as my brother's always with us. Or to be true I'm the one tagging along as they're my brother's plans to hang out. My brother didn't want my parents to suspect anything since him going out alone with "his brother's friend" doesn't seem right. So yeah, I'm the third person in the relationship, and I don't like it everytime we go out on a 'threesome date'.

Whenever we go out, my brother would have his hands all around 'The BF', indicating to the whole world that he's the BF and I'm just 'a random friend who happen to tag along'. My brother would also buy him meals and clothes, and when we eat he'll always offer food to 'The BF' and make 'The BF' eat from my bro's chopsticks. In a smaller frame, it's like two lovers enjoying themselves, but when you pull the zoom back a little, you'll see a third person sitting at the other side of the table trying so hard to not be jealous over 'The Bro' feeding 'The BF'.

But 'The BF' seems to know what's happening around him. Whenever he eats something from my bro's chopsticks, he'll only take the offer once. The next time my bro tries to feed him, he'll insist that he doesn't want the food, or he'll offer the food to me instead. It's like he can sense my jealousy. In order to make me feel better, he doesn't accept the food and offer them to me instead. I know, I'm a big time jealous pig.

Then, he would also get me food that I like. When I say I want to eat ice-cream, the next time we pass-by the kiosk, he'll ask if I want ice-cream. Or when we're having buffet dinners, he'll get me the food I want without me asking him to get them for me. Sometimes, it really looked as though he has two boyfriends. And he really handled both of them well.

There was once we went shopping for clothes. My bro and I made him try-on some clothes because we both thought that it's time for him to get a wardrobe makeover. There were some tees which he liked and some which he didn't. My bro was the one who picked the clothes but he came to me to ask if it looked good on him and which should he get(see how he handle both his 'BF's, he'll try-on the clothes BF-1 chose, but go to BF-2 for opinion. By doing this he'll please both his 'BF's). Of course, he bought the clothes which BF-1 chose but only if BF-2 agrees to them.

Philosophy men's having sales this Summer. If you get three items from the shop, you'll get 70% off. So, 'The BF' got himself two shirts(one tank top which everyone loved and one tee which both 'The BF' and BF-2 disagree to but BF-1 insisted that 'The BF' should get it). In order to get 70% off the bill, we had to get a third item. BF-1 and 'The BF' both said I must get something too since 'The BF' already has two items. I didn't want anything from the shop, but they made me get something.

In the end, I got myself a swim trunk. A size two swim trunk which is white in color! It's so small I could hardly keep my pubes, half my butt and my balls in. Wear this to any pool and all gay men would think that I'm there looking for sex. But the worst thing is that 'The BF' actually held the trunk at my waist and my crotch and check if it fits, and he laughed so hard and so loud. He even recommended that I try it on before buying. What was he thinking?! Really, it was the first time he'd ever measure if the trunk fits me and suggest that I try it on. The thought of him thinking of me in the tight swim trunk and trying it on and show him was too much for me to process. I think he sensed that, so he told me that I don't have to show them if I were to try it on. Being the ego loser, I said I know what size fits me and that there's no need to try it on. So I just took the trunk and paid for it.

After leaving the shop, 'The BF' complained that he was the only one who tried on clothes back then and that I wasn't 'sporting' enough. Dude, if I had a body like yours I wouldn't hesitate trying-on those clothes and showing them to you! I know it'd be a total turn-off if a stick like me were to try on tank tops and tees with necks so low my entire sternum(not pecs) will be exposed.

'The BF' also wanted a pair of jeans, so we went with him to several shops before finally stopping at Topman. 'The BF' tried on a pair of jeans but it wasn't his size(man, he was trying on a size-30 jeans! Size-30 is MY size!), so he made my bro fetch a size-32. When my bro left to get the jeans, something out of this world happened. 'The BF' stood right there at the changing room, one hand on the door frame and leaning against it, looking at me. He even gave me that sinister but hot look, asking "What do you want?". I swore if my brother wasn't there, I would tell him "I want you and I want you now" and I would push him back into the changing room and do him right there. And when I say "do him" I meant kissing him. I'm not even brave to make out in a toilet, what more a changing room.

'The BF' seems to favor me in many ways. He always asks for my opinion when he tries on some clothes, always knows if I'm jealous that he's letting my brother hug him and feed him(he would offer me things in return to make me feel better), always keep me near him whenever we go for 'threesom datings'(he would pull my shirt from behind if I wander too far away from him when my bro's around him), would brush his hands against mine when we walk together when my brother isn't around. Heck he even knows how to turn me on by posing like a horny guy, with that horny look and asking THE QUESTION!

"What do you want?"

"I want you and I want you now, dirty little boy."

But then at times he would be so cool and don't really give any shit about us. Hell he would also go eww-ing when we talk about homosexuality. Is it because he's trying to hide the fact that he enjoys the topic? Or simply because he's not gay/bi? I don't see a reason why he should be hiding from us the fact that he's gay/bi since he clearly knows that my brother is gay and that after all the encounter with me, even if I'm not gay(which is half true), he should know that I'm cool with it.

The only reason I can think of why he 'eww's now is that he's straight as a stick. Which I fear it'll be true. But I don't dare putting our 13 year friendship on the line to ask him to be my boyfriend(because I'm very sure if I don't pressure him, he would just lie and say he's straight even if it's not true and that if he really is straight, I would see the end of our friendship).

Hate to be always in the dark not knowing anything. And I hate it even more to fall for the same guy as my brother. Double WTFs.

End of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX". "The Irresistible AX"? It was just something random that came to my mind when I was thinking of a title of this series of posts. I just happen to get a knitted top from AX recently(my first AX product, sadly. But I'm a proud owner of Emporio Armani stuffs!), so just thought of letting the world know.

I know, I'm an attention-seeking bitch.

End of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX" series.

The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part II

2008-07-13T03:45:00.001+08:00

Sorry for the delay, was very busy for the past couple of days.

So, part 2's gonna be about "The BF".

BF means boyfriend, but no, I don't have a "boyfriend" boyfriend. It's a long story, so leave this page now if you're not interested.

Well, remember how I talked about my brother and I not having the same taste for men? Well, it hasn't been always correct. For many years now, I've been liking this childhood classmate/friend/neighbour. But the thing is, he is my brother's boyfriend. Well, not really a boyfriend as my brother did not propose to him and that he's not really gay. I mean, I heard from my other friends that he has(had?) a girlfriend back in school(he went for Form 6, I did A-Level). Though he never told me about it, I took it for real as I don't really know if he's bi or gay. If he's straight, it's not wrong having a GF at his age right?

But the thing is we've known each other since we were 8, and we lived in the same neighbourhood for 10 years, and that we travel to school together every day, and that we go for tuition under the same tutors! So, being normal children, we grow up experimenting stuffs. We've grabbed each other's balls when we were young(all boys do that!), we've slept over at each other's house, we've whispered to each other at school and during tuition, we've lied on each other's shoulders or laps when we watched TV programmes and movies. Heck we've even held each other's hands.

But we were kids. We didn't really know what we were doing.

Though such incidents occured even until when we were 17, I've always thought that it's just us showing our 'brotherly' affection to one another. But at that age, we've already know what "gay" means, and I've already know that I'm bisexual. But him? He never claim that he's not straight, but he never say that he's straight either. I know that one doesn't need to announce to the world that he/she is straight because the world expects him/her to be straight. "Homosexuality is abnormal", no?

Ever since I left school for college and later to Moscow, we didn't really keep in touch with one another but when I return for my summer break, we would always hang out together. He's a passive person, so most of the time I have to make the first move. When we were on a 'date' last year, we watched a movie together. I paid for the tickets, popcorns and drinks, but he didn't thank me or whatsoever. During the movie, I wanted to hold his hands but didn't because it's been a year since we got that 'intimate' and I didn't want to scare him away and that I have no idea if he's straight or bi or gay. After the movie ended, I felt very cold as the temperature in the cinema was very low. After building up all my courage, I held his hands to make my hands warm. He stunned for a moment, asked what was I doing. I told him that my hands feel cold and I need to make myself warm. Thinking that he minded what I was doing, I removed my hands from his and continued to watch the credits roll. Then the most unexpected thing happened. He stretched his hands over and held my hands with them.

The lights in the theatre were already back on then.

After the movies, he treated me Baskin Robbins' ice-cream. We wanted to cam-whore, but there were people around, so we dropped the idea. It's the first time he volunteered to treat me something, and it's Baskin Robbins' ice-cream! We got ourselves 2 cones of ice-cream, and we shared them. In the very Baskin Robbins located at The Curve.

It was damn romantic OK. Couple watched movie, held hands, then ate ice-cream before heading home. It was perfect.

But then it could be just me. I mean, I paid for the tickects and popcorns. He wanted to be fair, so after the movie he treated me ice-cream. Simple as that.

Darn, damn sleepy now. Part III still on "The BF". Good night everyone.

The Same Word: Fuck

2008-07-11T14:29:00.003+08:00

Apple knows how to do business. The whole "Twice as fast. Half the price" tagline plastered at their main page has flaws!

$199 for an 8GB iPhone 3G? It's only applicable to current iPhone 2.5G & AT&T users! If you're an AT&T subscriber but doesn't own an iPhone, check whether you're qualified for the offer. If you don't previously own an iPhone and also not an AT&T subscriber, you'll have to pay $399 for an 8GB iPhone 3G or $499 for the 16GB model.

It's written here.

Now you're making sense, Apple.

I was dumb enough to be fooled by the whole "$199 for an iPhone, so cheap your pants will drop!" scam. After all, Apple products don't come cheap, there's NO WAY an iPhone could be sold for only $199 when an iPod Touch with equal memory costs $299!

I should've known.

$399 for an iPhone? I'd rather spend $100 less to get an iPod Touch instead. After all, iPod Touch has all the functions I need: music, WiFi, maps, notes. I have a phone(which isn't all that OLD, it's less than a year old) so it doesn't really affect me much without the phone and SMS function. It's the 21st Century, who would pay additional $100 to get an iPod which can make phone calls and also SMS?

It's like, "OMG my iPhone can make phone calls and send text messages OK! Your iPod Touch cannot!"

Yeah, big deal. My Sony Ericsson phone can send MMS, can your iPhone do the same thing? No? Shut the hell up then.

"But my iPhone got Bluetooth lor! Your iPod Touch don't have!"

Bluetooth what? You Bluetooth is as good as non-existent. It can ONLY connect your phone to a Bluetooth headset. THAT'S ALL. Mine can send and receive files. Period.

"Um, um, my iPhone is cool OK!"

Er, I think my iPod Touch is cooler without the earpiece lor.

"My iPhone got 2MP camera! Your iPod don't have! HAHAHA!"

A camera in a phone? My Sony Ericsson has a 2MP camera too. And I have a digital camera and a dSLR. So... No, your iPhone doesn't seem appealing to me.

"But I have everything in the form of an iPhone whereas you need to send text messages from your phone, take photos from your camera and go online from your computer!"

True. My phone may not be as slim as an iPhone, but it definitely isn't as LONG and as WIDE as an iPhone. My digital camera is small and can take better pics than an iPhone, my iPod can stay in my pocket and does its job and not bother me a single bit. And when I return to Moscow, I'll have internet speed of 6Mbps, so I won't fall for that 3G speed. Besides, I mostly use the internet to DL AND SURF PORN, so an iPhone is not that convenient as the screen is small(I can't have enough visual feel of the action) and that I am decent enough to not surf and watch porn "on-the-go".

So, no, iPhone is not for me.

P/S: The sole reason I wanted an iPhone is because of the price. Now that the price is not what I thought is was, there's no reason for me to get an iPhone. So yeah, I'm now officially getting an iPod Touch.

P/P/S: Damn, I thought I would be getting an iPhone so I thought I could use the money I've saved to get an iPod Touch to get other stuffs. Now that other stuffs have been bought, I don't have money for my iPod. I could manage either an 8GB or 16GB model only. Good bye to my 32GB iPod. Sob. It's all fuckin' iPhone's fault.

No Fucking Way!!!

2008-07-11T12:21:00.003+08:00

I've always wanted an iPod Touch. A 32GB iPod Touch. RM1800.

Then, this "Twice as fast. Half the price" thingy came along, which got me thinking. An iPod Touch which cannot make phone calls or an iPhone which has ALL the functions an iPod Touch has plus HALF the price?

I finally let my iPod Touch go and aim for an iPhone. It's a pity to be an Asian at times like this when you'll only get the "latest" gadgets available from Apple after everyone else in the world has got their hands on them and actually become bored of the gadgets.

iPhone 3G, twice as fast, half the price. Well, it's kinda right to some point. I mean, the price really is half of that of iPhone 2G, but it's only applicable in the U.S.. $199 for a 8GB iPhone! It's equivalent to RM660+ in Malaysia! It's too cheap for a 3G phone from Apple! But still this is real! It's all over Apple's official website!

But then again, I fail to realise that things are often unfair. The new iPhone will be released today, in the U.S., but Asian countries like China, Japan, Singapore and Malaysia? No news of when they'll be available in these countries, especially Malaysia as there's currently no official service provider for the iPhone.

When I was browsing the web just a moment ago, I thought of this.

"Why not I try to google 'iPhone Singapore launch date' to see if by any luck there are articles about when the new iPhone will be released in Singapore(since it's the nearest place I could go to get my own iPhone)."

So google I did, and I found this.

WTF! September 2008?!?!? But I'm leaving on August! There's no way I could change my flight date as I've already paid the fare in full amount and if I were to change the date I'll be charged RM100! Plus it only says 'September'. It could be 1st September, but it also could be 30th September.

My semester begins on the 1st. Boo.

Besides, Singapore's selling the iPhone for Singapore $690(USD $490+). 490 US Dollars! It's nowhere near "HALF THE PRICE". Even the 16GB model is only $299 in the US ok, and here Singapore's selling the 8GB model for $490!

I bet Singapore's tagline for the new iPhone is "The new iPhone 3G. Twice as fast. Equal the price. Or slightly more."

Fuck iPhone.

Update: Malaysia finally has its own Apple site. Visit our local Apple website here! Don't expect too much for now as it's very new, but hey, at least we finally have a site of our own!

I HAVE A FRIGGIN' CANON EOS 400D

2008-07-08T16:37:00.003+08:00

Period.

I need to rant! I love my dSLR, I love the lens(though it's a kit lens), I love the CF card, I love the flash, I love the CURVES.

I am obsessed over my new darling. Screw hot men, screw Marc Jacobs, screw Nick Beyeler. All I need now is my BABY.

But when I'm over with my SLR I'll be lusting for Nick and Marc again. Heh.

I love macro lenses, but they're so expensive they'll burn my wallet into ashes, or tiny grains of dust!

I hate photography.

But still, my kit lens is better than lame digital cameras. "Zzz..Zzz...Ka Chak!" Stupid digital cameras with their so-called "13 Megapixels" and "6X Optical Zoom" and whatsoever, BEGONE! I now officially dismiss you of your service!

I am a proud dSLR user. A proud, ~~noob~~, user.

Ooops!

Any sugar daddy around here who's kind enough to get me a macro lens? I'll be indebted for life!

~~I'm a TIGHT virgin.~~

More on The BF later. Muah!

The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part I

2008-07-08T03:05:00.002+08:00

I know the title sounded weird, but it's always like this when you first see it. Things will become better as the story unfolds.

So yeah, The Bro. No one in the virtual world knows about this but I don't exactly share a very good relationship with my elder brother. Everyone thought that we are 'the bestest brothers' but the truth is, we don't share much in common. My bro may be gay and I may be bisexual, but the types of men we like are different. My brother goes for Asians whereas I go for Caucasian. My brother likes 'the boys next door' whereas I prefer the hunky ones. I prefer those with facial and some body hair but my bro thinks that the smooth ones are better. Our type may be different(which is good in a way such that we probably won't fall for the same guy) but that's not the main reason why we aren't close to one another.

Hey Bro, what is it you like that I don't have?

The main reason why we aren't that close as we seem to be is the difference in our degree of maturity. No offence but though being the elder one, my brother seem to lack the maturity he should have at his age. When I was younger, I may enjoy his company, his jokes and the other things that he say, but being an adult now(I'm turning 21 this October), I no longer find his jokes funny, no longer have interest in the things he say and the way he acts. Well, he didn't change, but I did.

The gap between us is becoming wider and wider, and really, I don't think it's my fault. As people age, they (supposedly) become more mature. Well, I think I am maturing, but my bro just seems to enjoy being where he is. All he thinks about is buying this and that when he gets his salary, playing online games when he gets home, and many other things only a 15-year-old would do.

And I'm not the only one thinking that he has a problem. Even my family and close relatives think so. Whenever anyone tries to advise him to 'grow-up', he would just shut them away, saying that no one understood him. At times, he would even quarrel with my parents in public and then put up a face as though the whole world had mistreated him. And he daresay that he's a freakin' 24-year-old?!?!

Then he would also compare how our parents love me more than love him. Well, all I could say is it's obvious. First, I'm now studying in Moscow, it's natural for my parents to 'love me more' as they don't see me very often. Even my bro himself treats me better now than the times when I'm still studying in Malaysia! But he just didn't realize. Second, with my bro having such an attitude, I really cannot blame my parents to sometimes love him less. Mom and Dad may be our parents but they're human too. There's no such thing as 'loving a person unconditionally'. Tell me would you still love your wife unconditionally if she badmouthed your mother in public. That is if your mother is not someone you hate.

Everyone loves the angel!

So really, unless my brother grows up, loving him as a brother and as a son will not be an easy task. I'm sure no parent or sibling can put up with such attitude of another family member who's an adult without mental issues but acts like a kid. It sounds like a normal family drama, but it wouldn't be such a drama if my bro actually listens to people's advises and actually takes their advises into consideration.

This entry is random, I know, but I just need to rant. I'm tired of my bro having the attitude and knowledge of an elimentary school kid. He throws a tantrum whenever he doesn't get what he wants, he doesn't read newspapers(hence the lack of general knowledge), and most of all, behaves like a Cheena man('Cheena' is a word I use to describe a 21st Century Malaysian Chinese who still speaks and acts like a typical Chinaman, i.e.: speaks improper English, watches Chinese dramas only and is overly obsessed over Taiwanese pop singers). But what caused the lil' aneurysm in my brain today is that my brother doesn't even know the currency of United Kingdom!

"UK uses Pound Sterling de meh?"

That's it for now. Enough ranting over my brother. Poor him doesn't even know that his lil' brother is badmouthing him on his blog now.

End of "The Bro, The BF and The Irresistible AX - Part I". Stay tuned for Part II.

Parenting Skills

2008-06-28T04:33:00.002+08:00

I know I'm too young to be talking about parenting skills. After all, I'm still struggling in Med school and also a kid who hasn't grown sideburns, moustache and chest hairs. Yes, I'm an undergraduate student and yet I look like a high school student. Some of you think I should be happy, but I think otherwise. I'd wish for myself to be a masculine man, a hot guy, a hunk, a stud, whatever you find manly, but I'm categorized as what people call 'twink'. It sucks.

Anyway, let's get on with the main topic. Yes, parenting skills. So, you think you have good parenting skills? You think that every parent has good parenting skills? You think that parenting skills is inborn and not something a person should acquire? If your answer to ANY of the questions is 'yes', you have just failed to be a parent.

But why? Of all the topics one could discuss, why parenting skills? Why not the recent hike in fuel price? Why not typhoon 'Fengshen'? Why not Russia vs. Spain's match? Why parenting skills? WHY?

The answer is simple. Because modern parents suck to the core when it comes to parenting. I don't have to compare the parenting skills of our ancestors with the parenting skills of the "TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY SUPER MOMS AND DADS" , just compare the parenting skills of modern parents with their parents. You'll be shocked by the difference in levels of parenting skills.

Before one even start defending by giving lame excuses, allow me to talk first. Why do I think that modern parents are bad in their parenting skills? Here's an example:

Case:
Parents brought kids to coffee shop. Parents sat down and started chatting with friends. Friends brought kids too. Parents' and friends' kids started playing. Kids ran in and out of coffee shop. Parents didn't care. Kids made lots of noise. Parents still didn't care. Kids made MORE noise. Still, nothing happened. And the best part is when parents and their friends can make their children order food for them. The eldest of all is only about 6-7 years old. The rest were like 4 or probably 5. When food didn't arrive, parents made children go and remind hawkers about their orders.

See the problem there? Not only did the parents NOT stop the children run in and out of the coffee shop AND make noises, they totally ignored it as if the kids weren't theirs. And to make their children make food orders for them? Holy Christ! You as a parent not only did not do your part to get food for your children, you made them get food for you? What next? Are they gonna work to provide food for you? Some of you might say that this is a form of training for the kids to be independent, I say it's just an excuse to be lazy. Besides, being a 6-year-old, how often would people take your words for it? "Auntie, give me one Wan Tan Mee ah!" "Wan Tan Mee? Really ah?" "Yala auntie, really! Faster lo auntie I hungry liao!" If I were the hawker I would ask the child to bring me to his/her parent(s) to ask if they really asked their child to place an order. And the answer is 'no', I did not see anyone came to make sure the order was true. Result? The food didn't come la obviously. What did the hungry parents did? "Ah Girl ah Wan Tan Mee haven't come, go tell the person one more time!" I wasn't sure if the mee came, but I was certain that the parents are dumb. Think a bit la uncle and auntie, last time when you were 5 years old, you go and order Wan Tan Mee got people layan you or not? Sometimes maybe la, cause last time people also think less cause society less problems ma. Nowadays society like that, everything expensive, later your child order Wan Tan Mee then when people send the mee to your table then you say you didn't order Wan Tan Mee then the hawker ma rugi? Can give it to other customers, I know, but do you realise how much inconvenience it has caused to the hawker just because you were too lazy to go and order your own food? It's just like asking your underage children to buy cigarettes for you. Shop owner doesn't want to sell to your kids cause your kids are underages. In the end, you had to go and get it yourself but you've caused trouble for both your kid and the shop owner.

Of course I've witnessed other "parenting" acts of some parents, but I thought it'd be better for me to just enlighten everyone about what's becoming of modern parents and not speak too detail of it. But then again, it's just my point of view and I can't force anyone to agree with me.

Well, that's about it. I may be doubting many parents' parenting skills, but what about me? I could be the next parent who lets his children run around the dining table and scream hysterically as they run(play?).

Don't worry, I know I won't.

Anyway, it's getting late already and I really need some good rest. Woke up very early this morning to have breakfast(it's Wan Tan Mee, ironic!) and also went to the gym. Did some shoulder and chest presses, weight-lifting, running and cycling. I know I should be concentrating only on one part of the body at one time but I think it's OK to run and cycle every day. As for my upper body, I know I shouldn't be rushing, but I'm stubborn. Hadn't been exercising for the past 9 months in Russia, so when I went to the gym on Tuesday, I think I pulled a muscle. Was trying to complete the sets.

Avoided exercises for my upper limbs, so I did only exercises for my lower limbs for the next 2 days. I could still feel the joint pains of my upper limbs this evening but I decided to just go on with my upper limb exercises. After all, 2 days should be enough for my upper limbs to recover. Reduced the weights a little, worked a little slower, and nothing major happened. Thank Lord. My limbs are feeling kinda weak and numb right now due to the exercises, luckily it's weekend now so I can have my rest before I hit the gym again on Monday.

Or Tuesday.

I must get my protein drink soon. I could last longer when I run and could lift more weights after having my protein drinks before going to the gym. And it helps to provide the additional protein needed to build muscles(the amount of protein a body-builder needs in terms of grams(g) to consume is an equivalent of half of the person's body mass in pounds(lbs), e.g: I weight 140 lbs, so I need to consume at least 70g of protein each day if I want to build muscles. However, most of the time my daily protein intake is less than 70g, so I need protein drinks to provide the additional dietary protein in order to build muscles). Note that additional protein will not be stored in the body but will be excreted as waste products, so don't think that the more protein you consume, the faster your muscles grow. Besides, it'll be more effective for your protein drink to be absorbed by the body if you have it at least 30 mins before you begin your workout. You don't want to have it right before your workout and end up puking them out.

By providing protein that's inadequate in the diet and having it before you workout, the results of your workout will be more significant and growing muscles couldn't be any faster.

OMG I sound like some personal trainer/nutritionist/doctor. Be warned that the above statements are only my personal theories, be sure to consult a REAL nutritionist/doctor if you want to know how to grow muscles in a relatively short time. My theories are based on internet researches and my knowledge in Biochemistry only, even I myself isn't sure whether it's gonna work or not.

Darn, it's already 4:30AM, how much sleep can I get? I'm having Dim Sum for breakfast with my friends at 8:30AM!

Dim Sum here I come!

It's Getting Hawt In Here

2008-06-25T04:28:00.005+08:00

Was surfing the web and I saw this:

Bet most of you already know who this hunk is. Nick Beyeler, a 33-year-old world aerobics champion and covermodel is my current favourite. Ever since he bagged the "Year 2002 Sports Aerobics World Champion" title, he became well-known throughout the world and his new found fame helped to make himself noticed by people in the modeling industry. His well-known work in the modeling industry is to model for DNA magazine, a famous Australian magazine, nude, with only a piece of red silk to work with.

In an interview with DNA magazine, according to Nick himself, when he was photoshooting for DNA magazine, the friction between his bare skin and the silk stimulated his body(does that mean he had an erection? :-O) but he wasn't embarrassed at all! Of course he wasn't! He didn't need to because he's pretty well hung himself!

Also, somewhere in his interview with DNA, he was asked if he's a bisexual. He did not deny but he did not admit either. However, his statements kinda point towards him being a bisexual. Besides, at the end of the interview, he was asked whether he has anything which he wished people didn't know about, and he said "I think it got mentioned somewhere above". Having read his whole interview report, the only thing which he could possibly wish that no one knows is him being bisexual. And I did not make assumptions because really, the whole interview was about his career and out of the very few questions related to his personal life, the only thing he could possibly not want people to know (yet?) is him being slightly bent. I could be wrong, but I'm currently unable to produce a link to the interview. I do have the last spread of the interview though.

In the meantime, I'll look for the site which I got this picture from. Sorry for having short-term memory.

Ugh, after writing about Nick and searching for the interview, I've forgotten completely the other things I want to blog about. Until I could look for the interview and remember what I have to blog about, some juicy pics of Nick for everyone.

Update: The whole interview of DNA magazine with Nick can be reached here.

Fresh New Look

2008-06-22T03:14:00.002+08:00

Hi all! As you all can see, I've made some changes to my blog. The reason I'm keeping my blog's interface so simple is that I want to deliver my message as effective as possible. So, goodbye to the colourful background, goodbye to the fancy but useless flash animation, goodbye to anything that'll only slow down the loading speed. From now on, it'll be "http://error24355.blogspot.com/" and "voila! The page is done loading in less than a sec!".

I understand the feeling of waiting and waiting but whatever you hope for did not load as you wish it did. My internet connection sucks and I find browsing very challenging, even though it's the 21st century where technology is supposed to "rock your world". Well, it did rock my world, just not the way I was told when I signed up for broadband internet service.

My apologies for keeping the blog totally black and white because I can't decide what colour goes well with the other and that my connection sucks so much it can't save the template. I'll try doing it again but not now as I need to get some sleep. Had been out all day hanging out with family and friends.

Talk about hanging out all day. Can anyone tell me where is the best place to shop for clothes? I was at 1 Utama this afternoon and nothing seems to interest me. The t-shirts at Armani Exchange look so fugly that I thought they were cheap imitations of the brand which we usually see at Petaling Street. There were nice bags and jeans, though. But I cannot afford them as the bag and pair of jeans cost RM699, EACH. Then again I might get the bag if I have enough money left after buying an iPhone.

Is Pull and Bear new in Malaysia? We have it in Moscow but I think the range of clothes in Moscow is wider than that in Malaysia. The prices are about the same though. They have some really nice clothing and it's really worth the price. Though they're having sales now, I think that they might have a further price reduction before autumn. In Moscow, they had 2 further reductions after the initial sale price and lucky me got a t-shirt for RM15 and a pair of jeans for RM50. It doesn't sound that cheap to people living out of Moscow but RM15 for a t-shirt is considered very cheap to one who lives in Moscow.

Right now I'm choosing to buy between an AX and cK underwear. I want to buy both but there are many other things that I want to buy. Should I just get both or just get one for now and get the other next time so that I could buy other stuffs?

Here We Are Again

2008-06-20T01:20:00.001+08:00

"OMG Sam is SOOOO cute!"

I'm all over Sam, I know. It's so stupid to go all gaga over a STRAIGHT guy.

Yes, I can finally confirm that Sam is STRAIGHT! My last bits of hope for him to be NOT straight are now gone.

Yay, a huge slap to myself!

OK, I'm being dramatic.

Anyway.

For the past two years, I've been all over Sam and almost every entry that I post has something related to him(super no life, eh?). It sucks to not know whether a guy you like swings your way or the other, and it sucks even more when you know the truth. And who goes around saying "knowing the truth wouldn't hurt"? That guy is so going to deep-throat me.

But then again, now that I know the truth, my life will be better than before! My life has been revolving around him for far too long. It's always about looking good in front of him, behaving good in front of him. You know, things that'll make a good impression. Now that I know the truth, I can spend more time sleeping instead of grooming(it's sad but I mostly groom myself for him), I can spend more time concentrating on things that actually mattered(I spent most of my time oogling him during lectures), I can be in control of things(I used to try my best to stalk him, even if I needed to sacrifice my lunch breaks and my time with friends), and so many other stuff.

Now that I know the truth, I can start hunting for other guys(I'm not the regular guy who changes his target very often, I'm loyal OK), and I need to hunt fast. After all, Sam has wasted almost 2 years of my youth.

So, I'm now deleting Sam from my life, and I'll make it official when I'm ready to move on with life. I know I said it once but I didn't know about his orientation at that time so it didn't count. This time, Sam's gonna be out of my life. Mark my words!

The Art of Feng Shui

2008-06-18T05:17:00.002+08:00

I'm finally back home to enjoy my summer break. It's been 9 months since I left home, and many things changed when I wasn't around. There're several new stuffs which I never knew existed at home but what really shocked me was the drastic change of the furniture settings of my house. The sofa set and the dining table found their new positions in the house, some paintings were moved, and the worse is that my brother and I switched rooms.

The reason behind this? You know it already.

Feng Shui. Seriously, is this the best explanation you can give? Mom, dad! What's with your minds?! Feng Shui master said that Quan Yin "wasn't here", you performed some rituals to "invite Quan Yin into the house", fine. Feng Shui master said that cooking should be done in our wet kitchen instead of our dry kitchen(which we did) because we're "burning money away", fine. But to switch rooms?! That's a bit too far.

I came home on the weekend thinking that I could finally sleep on my own bed, in my own room, but when I was told that my brother and I switched rooms because my brother's room "suits me more compared with my room", I almost fainted.

Well, I still get to sleep on my own bed, but I no longer get to sleep in my own room. Not that my brother's room is small or what(it's actually far bigger than my room, I pity my brother for having to switch rooms with me), it's just that we only moved into this house several years ago. I wanted the bigger room but my brother got it because my uncle who happen to "have some knowledge in Feng Shui" said that the bigger room suited my brother and the smaller one suited me. Now that I've accepted to stay in the smaller room for the next decade until I graduate and will be able to own a house, I suddenly got to stay in the bigger room. Now that I've got a bigger room, it seems that I don't have to move out so soon!

But still there are adjustments which has to be done.

My brother had a tailor-made built-in wardrode which I don't fancy, but I have no choice now but to use it until I have the money to take it down and build myself a new wardrobe. Now that my room has enough space, I'll have a tailor-made built-in 'L' shaped work station so that I could own a personal desktop and still have enough space to do paperwork(and leave some trash lying on the table). I'm also going to own either a plasma TV with surround-sound system or a huge bookcase to house my books. I think my parents will only give the green light to the latter option, as I'm still living under their roof and they wouldn't want their son to have everything in his room. Computer, internet, cable TV and cool sound system, who would want to leave their room besides eating?

I'm a lazy pig, I know. But then again, I won't be in Malaysia for long. I'll only be back here during my summer breaks for the next 4 years. Until I graduate, I won't/can't do anything to my room. Who knows? Probably I'll have new plans for my room in the future.

I think I'm adapting well to my new room, hope that my brother's doing just fine too. Things have never been fair to him all these years. I always get the bigger piece of cake, I always get things from my parents, I'm the parents' favourite child, and the list goes on. Despite all this, he still loves me, a lot. He always buys me food and brings me to go shopping. Even when I'm in Russia, he still buys stuffs for me whenever he sees something that he thinks I'll like.

I'm such a loser as a lil' brother. Really, I should stop being so self-centered.

The New Temptation

2008-05-27T04:20:00.000+08:00

As the title suggests, there is a new temptation in my life now. I don't even know whether it's a temptation or not but I do hope it is one because my life sucks big time now, thanks to the stress of the upcoming finals and boy issues.

Finals! It's finally here, and there's nowhere I could run to hide away from it. You study, and study, and study, and study, but it's never enough. You find that your brain is too tiny to accomodate all the information of a 800-page Biochemistry textbook, you find that you know nothing about Physiology, you find that 24 hours is not enough to be called a day, you find that the exam is riddiculous, you find that yourself is being riddiculous for choosing this profession over other professions.

Great. I truly regret insisting that I'll "come to Russia to study Medicine no matter what". Only people who can't think in their right minds would come to Russia to do Medicine as the course they offer is nowhere near satisfactory, plus Medicine isn't that great anyway.

To hell Medicine and all the people practising Medicine!

Enough about me complaining. Medicine is a great subject, no doubt about it. I wanted this, I saw it coming, and I'm gonna face it like a man! A bi man, I mean.

OK. So, new guy. I'm not exactly sure what's the situation like now but I do hope that I didn't get things wrong. There is this guy I got to know recently - well, I can't say I know him because I don't even know his name - and we've only talked twice, and this incident occured during our second conversation.

This new guy, let's call him X for now, is 2 years my junior and is an Indian. I don't know why but recent years, I have a liking for Malay and Indian guys but still, whites are always my first choice. I saw X in school today and here's what we talked:

X: Hey! What're you doing here?

Alex: Oh, just waiting for someone.

X: I see. Oh yeah, you guys have exam today right? How was it?

Alex: Yup. It was OK, MCQ is nothing compared with oral exam.

Then he went to do his stuffs while I continued waiting for my friend. After doing all his stuff, he was preparing to go home. Before he left, he said goodbye to me, wished me all the best for my exams and other good stuffs you would say to a person when he/she's going to sit for exams. I swear I was shocked to hear so much from a person I barely know. Maybe he's too friendly, but I think he's more than that. I mean I hope he's more than what I think he is. He's not the hunk everyone would fall for but he's definitely the cute boy nextdoor whom we cannot resist from liking.

Seriously, how many people you've met that would wish you "all the best for exams, blah blah blah" the SECOND time you guys had a conversation? I daresay that for most people, the number is 0. Maybe he's too friendly, maybe I'm thinking too much because I haven't get any chance to lay my eyes on Sam recently due to stupid exams but hopefully this is a new path unfolding itself for me. Everyone needs a backup plan, and he would be a great one if I can't lay my hands on Sam.

Just Say You Love Me

2008-05-13T02:10:00.000+08:00

, please.

Stop giving me stares. Stop looking into my eyes. Stop smiling at me. Stop getting my attention. Stop being cute.

How hard is it to come to me and say those few words? Say you love me, say you adore me, say you like me, say you want me to be your freaking boyfriend!

Or at least say you want me to be your fuck buddy.

Seriously, what do you want? You always peek at me thinking that I'm not aware of it, you look right into my eyes and smile at me whenever I catch you peeping at me, you try to be near me whenever you get a chance, you're making all the small moves but you just can't bring yourself to come forward and talk to me.

I may be the one who should be making the move since I'm the elder one but you know I won't because I'm PASSIVE. I'm not that kind of guy who would walk up to you on the streets and say hi, I'm not that kind of guy who would voluntarily make small talks, I'm not that kind of guy who would do anything at all unless the other party starts doing something. I feel insecure, I'm afraid of failures, I'm socially retarded. I know what I want but I don't know what you want.

Stop making small moves, they don't help. Give me hints. Clear, significant hints.

1 more month to go before the summer holidays. Which hostel should I choose when I return for the new semester? Should I follow you to the hostel with sucky internet service which you'll be going and continue stalking you or should I choose the hostel with kick-ass internet connection where I can meet other guys online where I have chances of dating someone?

Help me choose, Sam.

It's Your Birthday

2008-05-08T23:45:00.001+08:00

It's Sam's birthday today.

Yay.

I'm not anyone important to him anyway.

Why am I feeling depressed? So what if I didn't see him today and wish him happy birthday? Not that it mattered, at least not to him.

Why am I making my life miserable? The feeling is far from being OK. It sucks, to the max, actually. Yet, I have no intentions to get myself out of this misery. I wonder why.

Because I like a person whom I know will never love me back at all? That's the best explanation I can come up with now. It's stupid, I know, to love a person whom I know will never love me back. But isn't that what love is all about in the first place? Unconditionally without asking for return.

But that's not possible in the 21st Century. Well, at least not in Malaysia, not with a Muslim guy!

OK, I should stop babbling, now.

Anyways, Happy Birthday Sam! May lady luck always smile your way, may the God of Prosperity bring fortune to you and your family, may you score good grades in your exams, may you have good health, may you have friends that'll be there for you when you need them, may you have the bestest of life! I'll always be there for you, so don't be afraid to fall. I'll definitely catch you before you fall. Or at least I'll get someone to catch you, since I should be aiding you from a distance without your knowledge.

Enough crap. Happy birthday again, Sam.

Obsession, Again

2008-04-27T01:13:00.004+08:00

I'm currently obsessed with Sam's jacket. It looks like the one which I've been looking for a very long time. Even the colour is the one I've been wanting!

We have something in common, at last. I'm still thinking whether I should ask him where he got that jacket from the next time I see him. It's common among the girls but it just doesn't seem right for a guy to compliment another guy's jacket and ask where he got it from.

Alex: Hey honey, nice jacket you have!
Sam: Really? Thanks!
Alex: The material's really great. Where did you get it from?
Sam: Oh, it's just a Dolce. Do you want to feel it?
Alex: Of course! May I feel you too?
Sam: Pardon?

Sam may not be fashionable but he does know how to choose clothes, especially jackets, that look nice on him. He has that potential in him to be a high-fashion metrosexual, but he chose to be an ordinary guy. Many people, incuding me, struggle to be metrosexuals but kept failing. I never got a hair-cut that suits me, I never get eyewear that suits me, I never get nice accessories, I never get nice footwear, and my wardrobe is a disaster. I've been attempting to get wardrobe make-overs but it always end up as a mess. I'm currently rebuilding it again, hopefully it'll be a success.

Anyway, this post isn't dedicated to Sam or to myself, but to Handsome. Yes, Handsome is a new guy which I'll be introducing to this blog but he wouldn't be making much apperance in this blog because today's the first time I meet him and I suppose I won't be seeing him much as he's a student from another med school.

Handsome is an Indian, about 5'7", and he is the most handsome, most good-looking Indian guy I've ever seen. Not only me, but my friends think the same too. According to a friend, Handsome was his college mate and he's one of the most handsome guy in college back then. So, it seems that my taste is quite good, eh?

I never knew Handsome existed until tonight, when I attented some sort of Indian New Year event. He was an usherer in the event, so he had to wear a suit. He looks god-damn good in the suit, as though he's born to look nice in suits. I envy him very much as he's so good looking and looked so good in a suit(not everyone looks good in suits).

I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing my way but no harm having a little crush on him, eh? Crushes are good for the soul, it's proven. Damn, I can't get him out of my mind. All that features are what ALL men and women like. Whoever thinks he's not handsome is simply blind. Oh god, I have to see him again. The next time I see him, I'm gonna make sure he notices me. No harm sending some signals too. Who cares whether he swings my way or the other? If he swings my way, good for me. If he doesn't, no worries. He's from another med school, we won't see each other often, even if words get out that he's freaked out by a weird guy from another med school, he wouldn't have the chance to show who the weird guy is and eventually, he'll forget about it and move on with life. What a great plan isn't it?

I know I'm crapping a lot. My brain had shut down. I might not recall how he looked like when I wake up tomorrow morning but right now, all I know is that I need to blog about him, and how I wish he's on my bed now so that I can taste him tonight. Flings are good for the soul too. It's proven.

Love Is Overrated

2008-04-20T02:55:00.000+08:00

As the title suggests, in the 21st century, love is nothing more than a game. Trust? Virginity? No one cares about that anymore. Boy tells girl to trust him but he's having an affair behind girls back or even worse, boy says that girl didn't trust him enough, so boy wants to break-up because he can no longer be together with a person who cannot trust him, but the ultimate truth is that boy is cheating on girl A with girl B and this is just his plan to break up with girl A so that he could be together with girl B and not look like the bad guy.

Virginity? That's not important anymore. What's important now is how many people have a person slept with compared with his peers. Boy A has slept with 5 different girls in 2 months, boy B has slept with more than 10 girls in the past 3 months, so now boy A is trying to get more girls to sleep with him so that he wouldn't lose to boy B. Girls? Girls A and B are batchmates. Both of them slept with guys from their batch and they openly compare the boys' sizes in public. Boy 1 is small but he's good at it. Boy 2 is big and he's good at it too. Boy 3 is small and bad in it too. So, girls' conclusion is that the next time they want to get some fun, boy 2 is the one.

There are worst things that I've heard, but it would be unpleasant to post it in the net. The bottomline is, love has lost its value compared to before. You can still treasure it, but if it's gone, don't be too upset. Invest in something more real instead, like golds and diamonds!

P/S: I've heard that many people like(d) me, but I can only assume that they're desperate. Why? I know where I stand in the handsome/hot/cute scale, and my rank is definitely not high enough to get such popularity. Either the standards are altered due to the lacking of handsome/hot/cute guys around or the people here are just too desperate. Honestly, both reasons are true, but I think the latter has bigger influence on this.

Torment

2008-04-18T03:26:00.000+08:00

I can't not love Sam.

He's cute, he's charming, he smiles a lot, he's friendly. He's the guy anyone would want to have as a boyfriend.

I thought I could've just forget about him and move on with life. I was dead wrong. I've cut off all possible contacts with him by not attending lectures, by leaving for classes later tham him, by not going to places where he usually goes. But it lasted for only 2 months.

Several weeks ago, I was involved in some sort of activity in which he's also involved in. I tried my best to not have any contact with him by keeping myself busy with my own chores but I think because of this, he noticed that I was one of the very few people who did their jobs well and not talking too much. In fact, I was the only person who not only completed my own task but also helped to complete others' tasks. He came over and we talked a little, and he even told me to get enough rest after the event.

Sweet, yeah? This was where things went haywire.

Since then, my subconscious mind keeps telling me that the fact that he asked me whether I was tired after doing so many things and that he told me to get enough rest means that he cares for me. Plus, whenever he talks to me he calls for my name first. Like, finally, he knows and actually calls me by my name!

It was also the fact that we actually had a conversation that I can no longer pertend as though he's a mere acquaintance. Whenever I see him now, I have to smile and say 'Hi' to him because he's more than an acquaintance. Plus, he's the friendly guy who goes around saying 'Hi' to everyone, so it would look as though I'm anti-social if I choose to ignore him. And thanks to his million-dollar-winner smile, my heart melted once more.

Come to think about it, he does that to everyone! Why should I be so happy then? If he does that only when he sees me, then I should celebrate la! But still, even if I cannot have him as my boyfriend, I can still have him as a friend, right?

Piece of Me

2008-03-23T03:51:00.001+08:00

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They're still gonna take pictures of my derriere in the magazine
You want a piece of me?

Yeah baby, you sure do want a piece of me!

I am super hyper right now! I.GOT.CHECKED.OUT.BY.A.GUY.IN.THE.LIFT.YESTERDAY.

Ahahahahahahah!!

I know I'm making a big deal over this matter. I'm sorry to waste your time but heck, I rarely got checked out by a person and I'm definitely gonna blast this news into the blogosphere!

Well, maybe I do get check outs but I never knew. I wouldn't even know that I got checked out this afternoon if my friends didn't tell me. Once again I'm saying that my gaydar isn't functioning well because it's wavelengths are interfering with my straightdar(is this the correct term?). It still hasn't got fixed, and won't be fixed any time soon, thanks to my couldn't-care-less attitude.

This incident occured in the afternoon when I was back from school. This guy walked past us(my friends and I) in the lobby of the hostel and my friends went "look! There are four girls and a guy here and that guy looked ONLY at Alex!". I didn't know what they were trying to say, so I asked:"Why do you guys say so?". According to the girls, that guy is gay because they once saw him check their male friend's ass out. But it's only their assumption as there's no solid evidence to prove that he's gay.

When we were waiting for the lift to arrive, the guy came back. As usual, the girls teased me by saying that the guy came back for me and that I should go introduce myself to him and befriend him. Luckily, the lift arrived soon enough to save me from their teasing.

Or so I thought. The most we entered the lift, things became worse. The guy stood on my front left side, facing towards me and he took a great time checking me out. He actually dared to check me out in a lift filled only with girls besides me and him. My friends observed the situation and there they go trying to prove their point that he's gay. "Look, he's checking you out again. There are girls around him but he's looking only at you!" Really, he checked me out from top to toe and kept observing my facial expressions. But what blew my mind was the thing he did before exiting the lift. He looked at me and made a SLOW 180 degrees turn before exiting the lift. He wanted me to look at him from different angles!

At that point, the only thing holding me back is the fact that my friends don't know I'm bi and I'm not ready to come out to them. Seriously, if my friends weren't with me the whole time, I think I would've already pounced on him in the lift itself. He's not bad looking, he's not Asian(tho I'm Asian, Asians just don't seem to turn me on alot), plus he has that sexy facial hair which I love most in a man(I think I really have a fetish for facial hair). And those beautiful, charming eyes too.

No way I should pass this one, rite?

This Is Life

2008-03-20T03:38:00.001+08:00

Nothing makes sense. I know nothing. I understand nothing. Studies, things around me, anything at all. I know nothing about all these.

Really, I don't even know what on earth am I supposed to do. I may be a medical student but inside me, there are several other MEs. One of them wants to be a fashion designer, another a model. Then there's one who wants to be a stay-home dad. Really, there really are so many of us in one body it starts to bother me. A lot.

To be a doctor has been my ambition since young, so here am I in a med school trying to get a medical degree. Well, the thought of becoming a fashion designer sprouted only about 2 years ago but it's influence on me is very strong. It made me more self-conscious on what I wear, which is good. What's not good is that I'm becoming a critic. Not only am I now a fashion critic, I'm basically a critic of everything. Luckily, my inability to draw helped in repressing the inner devil. If not for that, I think I would've ditched med school for an art school and become a worse critic.

Stay-home dad. Who wouldn't want to stay home and look after their own kids? Given the chance, I would stay home to take care of my kids and I'll make sure that they'll grow up the way I didn't grew up. I'll send them to a mandarin-speaking elementary school, then to an international high school. Later, they'll do their Pre-U course in a well-known college before flying off to the countries which give the best education for the courses my kids will be pursuing. That's only for their academics. For co-curricular activities, I'll make sure they take up either drawing or piano lessons until they've reached 8th grade. All of them must take up swimming lessons but not involved in it too much before puberty to prevent stunted growth. Before they enter college, they'll have to learn the art of fine-dining. But the most important thing is to make them read, listen, speak and write good English. Off to the British Council they go!

If only women cared less about who being the breadwinner of the family. If only I ever get married. Sigh.

Enough about that. Let's talk about my fantasy of being a model. Honestly, who doesn't want to be a model? Often, people don't get to be models because they don't have what it takes to be. This one reason is more than enough to eliminate more than three-quarters of the population on earth of becoming a model. So, what it takes to be a model? To be a male model, one should stand between 5'10 and 6'2 tall, 6'0 being the preferred height and wears a size 40 suit. When you've passed these two criterias, other criterias come in. Weight, posture, bone structure, looks. You name it.

I stand at 5'11. 6'0 may be the preferred height but hey, I'm Asian, 5'11 is not too bad! Unfortunately, I only wear a size 36-37 suit. I might be an inch shorter than the preferred height but my chest is at least 3 sizes below the standard size! Besides, I'm under-weight. People my age and my height should weight 70kgs and above but I'm struggling to maintain my weight of 60kgs! Posture? I can stand as tall as 5'11 but most of the time I stand only at 5'9 or 5'10. Reason? I freaking can't stand straight. Most of the time of my life I hunch my back when I walk. The condition was worse when I was young, but it's better now that I've come to realise how serious the situation was and made the effort to get my posture right. People need to have broad shoulders too as they look nice in a suit and also sexy in a plain tank top as they swing their arms when they walk. Facial characteristics are very important too, but their degree of importance differs according to needs of different fields. Say, a cover guy's looks is more important than a runway model's because chances of people looking at a cover guy on a magazine is higher than a runway model. But I don't mean that a runway model's looks aren't important! Thus the question:"What does an Asian has to offer to the modelling world?" Most Asians don't have squared jaws, don't have pointed nose, don't have much facial hair to boost the masculine looks. I'm just a typical Asian, plus I have thin eyebrows and looks of a 16 year old! Besides, my hair is bad. Seriously, how many 21 year olds out there who're self-conscious but just couldn't get the hair that suits themselves? I prefer my hair short but my friends say that I look better with medium length hair. Maybe it's time to just pay more to hire a hair-stylist to decide what's best for me.

Sigh is the only thing I can do now, but I'm not gonna give up. When I return to Malaysia, I'm going to consult a nutritionist on what I should eat to gain weight. Then, I'll hit the gym and pool to build up some muscles. Supplements are a need to help gain weight and muscles faster. I'll also sun-bathe and this time, I'm definitely getting a tan(last year, I tried getting a tan but failed). About my looks and my thin eyebrows, let steroids do the work. I suspect it's because of the insufficient production of testosterone that caused the thin brows and the stunted maturation of my looks. Hopefully by then facial hair starts to grow. Facial hair is so sexy. And no, I'm not talking about having a goatee. Something like what Jeff Pickel of America's Most Smartest Model has will do.

Look where my fantasy has taken us to. Sigh. If only I cared less about how I look and am more satisfied with what I have now, things would've been better. But since it has happened, the only thing I can do now is to keep improving the way I look. There's no room for failing!

Love Is Beautiful

2008-03-15T03:54:00.001+08:00

At this very moment, I wish to be loved. Well, love as in a boyfriend or girlfriend kinda love.

The feeling of being loved is so good, so good that I feel that I'm the biggest fool to ever let it go.

It's been 18 months since I broke up with my ex. It's been 18 months since I last kissed another person(besides my mum, duh). It's been 18 months since I last held hands with another person. It's been 18 months since I last felt love.

There are several candidates along the way but I just can't bring myself to feel whatever I'm supposed to feel. I definitely have moved on, though I still miss the times when I was with her.

Ever since he appeared in my life, nothing feels right. There's always this urge to know more about him, to befriend him, to be part of his life. Compared with 12 months ago, nothing much has changed, besides me knowing facts about him and he knows nothing about me.

The only person to be blamed in this case is me. I was not ready to part with her, I Was not ready to travel so far from home for my studies, I didn't have enough faith in long-distance relationships. I like him, and still do even after I found out that he's straight.

But my stubborn brain just doesn't want to register this piece of information. Really, how often do you meet someone who can really play futsal, knows nothing about fashion, doesn't cook well, exceptionally good in studies and the only time he's out of the hostel besides attending lessons is to restock his groceries to be gay? Or bi.

OK. Guys who play the male role in a guy-guy relationship often display characteristics of a straight man, but we non-straight guys know whether another guy is straight or not. Gay men don't usually play futsal. Even if they do, they can't be anywhere on the top. Gay men SHOULD at least know something about fashion, if not more. I can assure you, he doesn't even know the fashion world exists.

Well, cooking. I don't cook well too, but I at least try! I seldom see him cook, and most of the time when I do see him cook, it's fried rice or some simple chicken dishes. He is straight! But my brain thinks otherwise. The "signals"? It's just me. Dear old obssessed me, hoping that there's a slight chance that some things within him are bent.

Look where my obssession is driving me to. Totally out of the topic.

Back to love. So yeah, I want to be loved again, I want to provide love to the person who loves me, I want to love the person that I love no matter he loves me back or not.

Love me please, Sam.

It's All Happening Again

2008-02-29T02:20:00.001+08:00

As the title suggests, it's all happening again. But what exactly is happening all over again?

What - more precisely who - else if it's not The Great Sam? He's like, the only person who's been able to screw me around(literally of course) for the past whole year?

I'm tired of pretending as someone who's not myself, but I'm not ready to come out yet too. At least not to a bunch of homophobes who happen to be the people I hang out with for the past one and a half years and also happen to be the only people I'm quite close with and also happen to be the people I can't afford to lose in a foreign country where they're the only people I can depend on.

Besides, I won't be able to endure the critics. A senior came out of the closet several months ago and since then, people have been talking about him. Not very pleasant comments about him but they weren't that bad too. I suppose it's like this because people can accept the kind and friendly part of him but can't accept the gay part of him. After all, you can't just stop befriending a person whom you've known for more than 5 years just because he's gay. Not when he's super kind and friendly.

But what am I? What do I have to offer to others to continue to be my friend? I know I shouldn't be thinking like this because true friends wouldn't ditch me just because I'm bisexual, but things don't work that way when one's studying abroad.

Heck, just when I thought bisexuals would be treated way much better than homosexuals as bisexuals still share certain extent of interest on both sexes when they hang out and check out people with their friends.

After that much of babbling, you all must've realised that I think too much and always feel insecure in everything. I realised that too but I can't do anything about it. This is how my brain functions and I obviously hated it.

Sam's Friendster profile show's that he's "married", he has a ring on his hand which I assume is his "wedding ring", he's super famous among girls as he plays futsal very well. Everything about him yells "I'm-way-too-manly-to-be-gay". But I still secretly hope that even if he's not gay, he can still be bi.

I know it's stupid, but I just can't accept the fact that he doesn't like guys the way I hope he would. Not after the "signals" he's been sending to me all these while. A smile, a hand shake, a "Hello" and "Goodbye", small talks, occasional glances and other little stuffs.

Recently, I thought I was over him for real as this is the first time I actually didn't melt whenever I see him. And this lasted for 2 weeks. It's really some great achievement.

But it all shattered so fast. Over the weekend, I went to watch my friends(and him) play futsal. There was this net-like thing covering the court so that the ball wouldn't hit the audience. The distance between the net and the seats for audience is less than 50cm though. So, he was walking around and when he passed-by the place I was sitting(I sat on the front row), he brushed his fingers on the net and left. Of all places, why the part where I'm sitting?

Not only that. After one of my friend's match, my friend came and sat beside me. Sam was walking around beside the court again and he stopped to talk to my friend as my friend hurt his hand during his match. It's not wrong dropping-by to say "Hi" but mind you, there were many spectators surrounding the court and the net covering the court obviously worsens one's vision if one were to look for someone else through the net from inside the court. There were a hundred(or more) on-lookers and he easily spotted my friend. In fact, he only spotted my friend when he walked past the place I was sitting. The only reason I could came up with is that he knew where I was sitting and when he walked past that area, he glanced over at me and saw my friend sitting beside me and so he came over.

You can't just walk past somewhere random and then saw someone you know through the annoying vision-impairing net-like thingy right?

Shit, I'm getting all hyped up again. See, that's why I say all these craps are happening all over again. They really suck to the very max.

Tribute to Heath Ledger

2008-01-31T10:03:00.000+08:00

Heath Ledger fucking died!

The last time I heard of him, he was alive and showed no sign of dying. But he just freaking died. When I am on a trip to Italy, with limited time and place to online.

He freaking died on me! Without me knowing, if not because of the insignificant line on XiaXue's blog!

And I thought it was not true!

Overdose of drug?! No way! How is that possible?! This is too much for me to handle. I feel as though the world is crumbling. Too much of information to register.

I need someone to hold me. A hot guy will do.

The Bitch Way

2008-01-17T08:37:00.001+08:00

It feels good to be a bitch. Being bitchy is SO good for the soul.

When I was young, I hated bitches mainly because they're bimbos. Never wanted to have any sort of contact with them. Thought that they're just some immature people who live in their own glamorous world, don't give a damn about anything at all, look down on people, insult people whenever they get the chance. Basically thought that they're just a bunch of low-life organisms.

It was so wrong. They're doing this because they can! And we're disliking and hating them because we're jealous!

Don't you anti-bitches out there make a big fuss over this matter. I'm only stating my opinions.

Now, if you allow me.

People act like bitches because they can. Say, Paris Hilton. People say she's a bitch, and they dislike her to the max. They think that she's useless. Well, people should take a closer look at her. She's a jewel! Why is she a bitch? Because she's an heiress and is wasting her family's money? Oh please, Miss Hilton said she didn't get allowance from her parents after high school. Ever single cent she's been spending after high school has been her own money. Her own, as in she earned it herself. Well, since she's a bitch, she might've lied. Why do people care anyway? If you're not satisfied with her fate of being born into a rich family, start working harder to at least be a millionaire so that you or your children can also live the glamorous life!

And before you guys think of her as a stupid person, think again. She's not stupid AT ALL. She's smarter than many people out there who have nothing better to do with their lives besides bad-mouthing others. At least Miss Hilton has her own line of perfumes, hair extensions and her solo album. Probably she pulled strings to make these things happen, and they probably involed money, but who cares? The only reason why anyone would care is that they're jealous of her.

Back to me hating bitches. Never liked bitches when I was young, never liked them even during high school, but things changed when I entered college. It was a college well-known for it's partying students before excellent grades the college produces each semester. It was then I realise that there is no point hating them. Though it's a party college, it never fails to produce good grades every semester. The reason? It's because the students balanced their lives well. They know when to be bitchy, when to study hard.

Still, I never accepted the life of a bitchy student, mostly because I couldn't balance my life between studying and gaming, what more partying?

But it doesn't mean that I didn't acquire the ability of being bitchy.

After college, I rushed myself into med school. Here I am, in a foreign country for the sceond year, without my bitchy friends and family to back me up when I need their help. The key to survival is to be bitchy whenever needed. But the thing is, I couldn't bring myself to be bitchy to anyone. For many years, I've been brought up not to be bitchy, it's not easy to just forget about things I was taught and be bitchy.

Which is why people take advantage of me. And when I refuse to be taken advantage of, I become the bad guy. I'm the selfish one, I'm the one making a big fuss over a small matter, I'm the one 'who used to be a good friend but has changed'. Most of the time I'll just take in the crap people throw in my direction, thinking that by doing so, people will someday realise the amount of crap they're throwing at me and will at least reduce the amount, if not stop totally.

The plan so did not work out. Not only are they throwing more crap at me, they're spreading rumours about me! So cannot make it la these people, claim to be adults but do such things to people.

Tsk tsk.

Someday, I shall unleash the bitch within me. They should know how bitchy I can be. Then they'll show me some respect.

Man, I'm already a bitch by posting such an entry! But who cares? I own this blog. I get the right to say whatever I want, and no one gets to judge.

2008

2008-01-01T00:29:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year 2008 everyone! May this coming new year bring good luck to all of us in all aspects!

Sorry for the super short entry because I'm currently very busy!

Happy New Year again!

xoxo

What's That Smell?

2007-12-20T05:53:00.000+08:00

I'm a bad cook. I could barely prepare a meal for myself, what more for others?

I so pity my future partner.

I'm not good at preparing meals, but there are a few dishes that I'm able to prepare without making the dish taste awfully bad.

But that was the past. This semester, I couldn't prepare a proper meal for myself, not even once! Either the egg was burnt, the vege was tasteless or too salty or chicken tasted like fish. I even burned my fried rice.

YES, FRIED RICE WAS BURNT! For God's sake, I think I'm the only person in my batch who's still able to fry rice until it burned!

Porridge. Has anyone tasted super tasteless or super salty porridge? I have. There isn't a single time where I've cooked an edible pot of porridge. Either it's tasteless or it's too salty because salt was the only thing I add into my porridge. I've tried putting onions and meat in porridge but still it tasted so much different from the porridge other people cook.

Maybe I don't have talent in cooking AT ALL. I should stop cooking so that the world shall not suffer from the food I cook for them to eat.

The porridge I just cooked is a bit too salty and the meat is barely cook.

Bah.

***

It's not wrong to watch gay-themed movies, right?

Apparently my friends are thinking that I'm gay because they say that I have "a collection of gay themed movies", which is like what, 5 movies out of more than 60 movies I currently have in my hard disk and DVDs? It's less than 10% la please. If I own more than a dozen DVDs which contains gay themed movies then maybe you can start suspecting la.

I'm not gay OK, just a half gay la. Haha.

But it's a good thing for people to think that I'm gay and me saying that I'm not gay because I memang isn't gay. I'm not lying to them so there's nothing wrong with it. Besides, if Sam gets to know about this, it might be a good thing for both of us. Not only can he confirm that I'm HALF gay, he can come express his feelings for me without being afraid that he might scare me off.

I'm so sick la. My friend said that I might had Obsessive and Compulsive Disorder. I kinda agree la actually. I so need a psychiatrist now. But what la, if Sam likes me then don't la sometimes keep paying attention to me, sometimes don't even look at me, then sometimes avoiding me, then sometimes so happy to see me, make me confuse nia.

What the hell la, who says ceffeine can keep you awake? I drank 2 cups of coffee liao still feel sleepy like shit. Need study for Anatomy somemore, can die la.

That's Not A Freaking Wedding Ring Is It?

2007-11-26T04:42:00.000+08:00

Life is so screwed that I feel like dying.

Seriously.

I'm back to the old me, stalking other people's Friendster account. I'm such a loser.

Exams are killing me, my liking for some people is killing me, the thought of some person not liking me is killing me.

Basically everything's killing me.

Friends are saying that I'm taking things too fast. I should be friends with Sam first, then slowly develop from there because our friendship(?) do not have a very strong base and that without a strong base, the friendship won't last long.

I wish I could have control over my brain and actually make it stop thinking about everything about Sam. But I can't. I just can't.

I'm so depressed now I feel like jumping off a cliff and just die and that my corpse will be food for sharks.

Nitey.

P/S: His Friendster profile says that he's "married". I guess this explains the ring he's wearing. It might not be what it seems but currently, my perasanness is making me think so. My perasanness is so gonna kill me someday.

This Is So Uncool

2007-11-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

I'm in deep shit. I think I actually LOVE Sam instead of LIKE him.

Love is a very strong word, I know, but this is what I feel about him now. I wish this isn't true but for the past few days, my cerebrum seem to have given up on me. I've been doing things I never thought of, and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Last Saturday, I went to watch Sam play futsal. At 9:30PM! The temperature outside was -10 degrees Celcius! I was damn tired because I went out early in the morning, probably about 8AM and returned home only about 8:30PM, and I went to watch him play balls!

It sucks when you're not in control of your brain. You're forced to do things you didn't thought of doing.

Really, he's been playing futsal every Saturday night for the past 2 months and I've NEVER GO and NEVER THOUGHT of going to see him play, but I went last Saturday! I really don't know what's gotten into me.

And the worse thing is that on the next day, he had futsal matches, AND I WENT TO WATCH HIM PLAY, AGAIN. This time's worse. I had no idea where he was playing. So I called some friends who happened to know where the matches were held, asked for directions and off I went!

I FREAKING WALKED MORE THAN A KILOMETER TO THE PLACE BECAUSE I MISSED THE BUS. AND IT WAS SNOWING!

All my freaking brain did to make me accept the fact that he's more than a crush. Not that I'm REALLY convinced by that.

Fine, I'm in denial. I like Sam a lot. I cuddle the pillow every night when I sleep thinking that the pillow is him. I peek at him every single opportunity I get. I got his phone number. I think of him almost the whole day every day. And it's very pathetic to have him be as my batchmate but couldn't get closer to him. He's technically surrounded by his 'boyfriends' wherever he goes, admired by all the Malay girls in my batch, famous because he plays good futsal.

Me? I'm just a nobody. I know he and his father's name but he doesn't even have the faintest idea of my name. It sucks to be a nobody.

Doctors Aren't GOD

2007-11-20T04:22:00.000+08:00

I'm going to be a terrible doctor. In fact, I won't even graduate from med school.

These are statements, not opinions.

I failed Physiology examination for the fourth time, and my Professor says that we won't make it till the end of the course "if we don't put in effort in our studies".

This is the first time in my entire life to be humiliated in such way. I mean, I was never a bright student but I do know what's going on in class OK. Not 100% but definitely more than 70%. And my Physiology lecturer has succeeded in making us look like retards.

Seriously, who on earth is he to even judge us when he's not any better.

Enough of that Physiology crap already. I'll revise my stuffs again and the next time I sit for the exam, I'll slap everything on his face. See what he has to say then.

This week is the worst week ever since I returned from Malaysia. Screwed up ALL my exams, screwed up my sleep time, and worse of all, I screwed things up between me and Sam.

Like I've always said, I never talk much to him but there is something between us that none of us can tell. It's like we're friends but we don't communicate the usual way friends do.

Let's just skip the rest of the details which aren't related to this entry.

The thing is, I think I've screwed up the way we communicate. For the past few days, I pretend not to see him at all, be in in lecture halls, classrooms or hostel. It's because recently, I saw that he's quite intimate with this guy friend of his, so intimate that they would sit together during lectures at places where there won't be anyone else near them.

Fine, I'm JEALOUS, but that's because I care for him k!

Sniff.

I think he kinda sensed that I didn't tegur sapa with him, so that day he kinda like made a chance to walk past me and say 'Hi' to me la. I don't know what's gotten into my mind, after I said 'Hi' back to him, I turned around and continued talking to my friends.

GREAT.

I think he kinda got offended la. When we were going home, we were in the same metro, the situation was so awkward that both of us were trying so hard to pretend that we do not know of each other's presence in the same metro.

MAYBE IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. MAYBE HE'S NOT GAY AND HE KNOWS THAT A HAVE A THING FOR HIM AND HE FELT DISGUSTED, THAT'S WHY HE'S DOING THIS TO ME. OMG HE'S SO MEAN!!

My life is so screwed I feel like becoming a rock. Tough and unable to feel anything at all. Then I don't have to try so hard to love a person and don't have to care whether the person loves me back or not. Coolness.

Come Get Me

2007-11-03T02:51:00.001+08:00

I think Sam likes me too, lor.

Few days back, I went to help my friends carry groceries. Sam was there too, obviously. When we were entering the lift, Sam offered to help but I turned down his offer because the groceries weren't very heavy and that I didn't want to make him work. See la, now super-normal-friends state also I so sayang him already, can't imagine what'll happen if we really get together someday.

So, when we were entering the lift, he was behind me and he held my hand, at the elbow region. It may be just "normal friend helping normal friend getting in to the lift" but I've never seen him doing it to someone else, lor. Besides, he didn't hold me using his fingers only, his whole hand was around my elbow and it lasted for about 3 seconds. It felt really good k.

Yesterday, when I went to his room to pass him something, I wanted to ask him to come see my DotA competition but there were too many people in his room, I didn't dare to even look at him. And I've been practising for some time on how to ask him to come watch the match without sounding as if I'm inviting him to come watch me play.

But somehow, not long after I left his room and went to play my match, he came and see! There were few matches going on and he didn't really seem to bother much about how everyone perform but he sat on a chair near me and watch my team play for several minutes before he left. I think he was waiting for me to notice his presence in that room but I was too busy to turn over and say 'Hi' to him.

It's rude, especially when I'm trying to be closer to him AS A FRIEND, but maybe what I did was right. My team lost in the match and I think he didn't has to be there to witness how pathetic I was.

I won the next match though.

I really hope that he likes me too la, then we can skip all the 'hard-to-get' crap and jump straight to the part where we could do things together, hold hands, cuddle each other and sleep every night. I'm tired of cuddling my bolster already. I want something warmer, has a heart beat and is responsive.

Obsession

2007-10-29T03:46:00.000+08:00

I am officially not the old me anymore. Back then, I never participate an any clubs or societies.

Well, I did join clubs, just that I never attented their weekly meetings and any event which the club held. Now, I am more than an 'Ahli Biasa' in the club I joined. I hold a post in the club, went for several meetings and participated in past events. In fact, I'm now part of the committee which is in-charge of the latest event.

Is this good news? To be involving myself in things happening around me, to be part of something, to hang out with people instead of hiding in the room all day. I think it's a good start to pull myself back to the active form since I've been in the inactive form for at least 5 years.

Talk about good news, there is a good news which happened today. I HAVE SAM'S CONTACT NUMBER! I did not get it from someone else, I did not make people ask for his number OK. But I did not ask him for his number myself either. Whatever. His contact number is displayed on the notice board, and I happen to see it, so... But not that I'm that desperate to contact him OK.

Actually I am, but I have dignity too! I have his number written down on a paper but I don't plan to save it in my phonebook. What if he's not gay? I might freak him out if I contact him for no reason. Now that MY contact number is also on the notice board, I don't have to worry him not knowing my number, unless he didn't read the notice or he's not interested in me, or he doesn't know my name at all. I hope he knows my name, if not I can die. I spent so much time stalking him and if he's interested in me but didn't bother to even find out my name, he's done for.

Wish I could message and let him know how much I like him. But things will be better if we introduce ourselves to each other and exchange numbers and from there we see how we work things out.

The time I spent thinking of things like this, it'd be of much better use if I used it on my studies. I'd become the top student in my group already. Hah.

Shopping

2007-10-27T02:44:00.000+08:00

First of all, I would like to say that I'm extremely ashamed of myself. The previous entries make no sense at all and I bet I wasted lots of people's time reading my entries.

Not that I really cared though.

Hah, I wasted another minute of your time.

Before you slap me, please allow me to say something. After that, you can do whatever you want to me. Virtually.

Guess what, I'm a HOMOPHOBIC! Seriously! I don't know what's gotten into me but recently, no offence, the thought of sissy gay couples totally freak the hell out of me la! I don't know why but I think it's weird for a bi boy to be freaked out by thoughts of sissy gays.

But it doesn't mean that I discriminate them OK. But this is not what I'm concerned about. I'm more concerned about me being freaked out by this matter. I mean, I'm bi but I didn't expcet myself to be freaked out when it comes to things like this.

Besides, honestly, I've never imagine myself involving in gay sex with anyone. I know I always talk big about sex and stuff but really, what I see in a relationship is anything but sex, especially gay sex.

I'm starting to wonder whether I'm drifting to the straight guy path or it's just because I haven't got a haircut. Bad hair days are so making me look like an ordinary straight geek. On bad hair days, not only will I become like everyone else wearing The-last-last-last season's top and an unmatching jeans, I don't even bother to look at myself in the mirror much before I leave for classes. Talk about becoming a metrosexual, I'm such a shame to everybody.

And to make myself even worse, I have no freaking idea where to buy nice bags here in Moscow la! The metrosexual guys here all have freaking beautiful bags but I never see such nice bags anywhere in malls! Even their clothes look as though they didn't come from any shop in Russia! It's saddening!

But what to do, living in a foreign country isn't easy. It's even harder when the people in that country don't speak any of the languages you know. It's hell for those who love shopping for nice clothes and accessories but not know how to reach them.

But the factor which really ownZ everyone is the price. EVERYTHING is much more expensive than they are back home. Aih.

The Time of the Month

2007-10-16T06:00:00.000+08:00

I hope this is not the testosterone talking but..

TURKEY GUYS ARE HOT! SO FREAKING HOT!

Last semester, before I returned home for summer holidays, I met with people from Turkey. The girls are OK-ish, but the guy was above average lor! Too bad they didn't stay for long. They only came to study Russian language for several months.

This semester, I saw several new faces. This time, there are two guys which I think are quite good looking. One of them has the cute look like blogger Stefano while the other has the hunky bad boy look. I don't know about the cute guy but I think the hunk is not that straight. It's only an assumption though, since my gaydar never worked anyway.

Why do I think that he's not that straight? Well, that's because I saw him checking me out when we were waiting for the lift to arrive yesterday. He was with his friends at first, but when the lift arrived, he couldn't enter because the lift was full, so he waited for the next lift. When he was waiting for the next lift, I saw him checking me out. But when I looked at him, he pretended that he was staring into space.

Well, one might say that it's OK for one to check another person out but a guy don't usually check another guy out that long, so it's not OK.

Is this a chance? Or is it another unfulfilled hope? I don't know.

***

It's the time of the year! It's snowing! Yay!

Fuck winter. It's all about the cold weather and the munow(mud+snow), so freaking unpleasant. And the worse thing is I bought a pair of jeans the day before it started snowing. Jeans don't keep people warm! If only I know it's gonna snow so soon I'd have used the money to buy a winter coat!

Darn it.

***

My portable hard disc freaking spoiled. Reason? I don't know. And the reason I don't know is not because I know nothing about computers. There's not rational explanation for this, it just freaking spoiled after I restarted my laptop. Even asked the pros to help but I just couldn't access my hard disc.

All the important documents are in my portable hard disc. Great.

***

I'm starting to lose hope in the gay scene. I'm not as strong as I thought I am. It's unbearable, to be hiding in the closet, afraid of being discovered. But at the same time I desire for love, the forbidden male-and-male love.

Coming out of the closet is not an option, when family and friends have homophobia. It's not easy to make myself fit into the society. Instead of believing that I'm a bi boy who's obsessed with labels, I'm making myself believe that I'm nothing more than a metrosexual straight guy. Well, at least by making others believe that I'm metrosexual, I can be a shopaholic and not worry being told that I'm weird.

All the things I do to hide my identity but not have to fake what I like. It's so taxing. All these hard work will be paid off in the future, I hope.

For now, I'll just wait and see if there's any empty space left for me in this gay scene.

Hypertension.. soon

2007-10-14T19:45:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya to the Muslims! Selamat Hari Raya, Sam!

As if he cares so much whether I wish him or not.

Bah.

But I think he cares la cos' today he passed by my classroom and I think he paused and looked at me for like, say, 0.000000001 second?

I know it's so insignificant but it means something to me.

FINE, IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. HAPPY?

Period.

Loads of exams these few weeks! Managed to pass 1(one) subject out of 4 subjects which I sat for. Blardy can jump off the cliff and die la!

What to do, I stupid ma. I'm so stupid that I can still watch Heroes, Prison Break and Bleach the night before my exam. I think my adrenal glands are blocked or what. I don't feel tensed at all. In fact, I'm so relaxed that my heart almost needed a boost of adrenaline.

"Tell me about the parts of the brain. How many tracts are there in total? How many sensory tracts, how many motor tracts? Tell me about Tractus Spinothalamicus. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Um..."

****

One of my classmates is becoming more and more riddiculus.

"Anatomy is nothing la, study a bit then score d!"
"Fuck A la, he thought he very smart la now! Wait la, I'll make him bow before me!"
"Fuck B la, he thought I very scared of him la now?! Ask him wait la!"
"Fuck C la, He so stupid somemore dare comment on my results!"

Seriously, fuck you la. Why blardy abuse the trust our teachers have in you? Why blardy think so highly of yourself? You wait la, someday someone will slap you back with even better results.
The person wouldn't be me of course. Why make myself sit and study so much when I can spend more time reading GQ and go shopping?

I'm smart.

When Non-Functional Gaydar Meets Fashion Disaster

2007-10-01T03:09:00.000+08:00

This is a long post, so don't read unless you really have free time to kill.

Serious, no joke.

So, here goes! First of all, I would like to apologise for not making it clear who 'Leo', 'Sam' and 'Sean' are. Actually, Leo is a friend I knew since Primary 2 and I kinda have a crush on him, on and off. It wasn't until recently that I got the guts to ask him out on a date. The date went pretty well, and I bet it wouldn't be the last.

As for Sam and Sean, they're my current coursemates. Sam is Malay and Sean is Indian. I used to have quite a big crush on Sean but now, I'm not really a big fan of him, mostly because of him acting TOO cool on me. He barely acknowledges my existence OK.

Sam is different. We never really talked, never exchange numbers, never had proper self-introduction, but somehow he wasn't as cold as Sean is, though occasionally he can be an ass like Sean. I never really know what he thinks of me because: 1)I'm Chinese and he's Malay, 2)Malays are the least likely persons who'll ever come out of the closet, 3)Religion, 4)Religion.

Plus my Gaydar sucks. It never picks up any signal, at all.

I don't know whether it's just me or what but really, I don't think a Chinese GUY and a Malay GUY can ever work anything out in a relationship, especially in Malaysia. He's a government sponsored student, he has to work for the government for many years after he graduates(unless he pays back his loan, which I doubt he'll do so). Besides, Malaysia is his home, I bet he won't flee to other countries for the sake of his partner.

But then again maybe it's just me who's been thinking too much. But I know it's not true la. I think he has a thing for me too. He's been sending obvious signals to me this week. He walked all the way to stand behind me to listen to our lecturer's explanation on something when it's actually much nearer, easier and comfortable for him to just stand beside the teacher and listen. But I'm happy that he chose to stand behind me, trying to look attentive when actually he's trying to get closer to me. Haha, perasan-nyer aku. We took the same bus ride home and I caught him looking at me quite a number of times and whenever he knew that I'd caught him, he'd quickly turn around and look at something else. I was looking at him the whole time, and only if he didn't turn away so quickly, I could've sent him a smile or a wink. Heh. When we reached our hostel, he purposely walked beside me almost the whole time. But sadly I was too nervous to talk, I didn't unplug my iPod's earphones. We walked side-by-side without talking. It felt good, but then again I've missed a chance to actually talk to him. And it all ended when the lift he boarded was full and I couldn't enter.

We live in different floors.

***

What would you wear to a dicso? A bright purple folded-up-to-elbow shirt, a pair of dirty green jeans and a brown hat? Or a light blue mini jeans skirt, black short sleeve shirt with a brown-white striped tie borrowed from your father?

If it's so, I'd reckon' you to stay home and not embarass yourselves in public. Seriously, do party GIRLS dress like this?

Oh, they're not KL-Lites. I forgot, my bad.

BUT I EXPECTED SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! BOTH OF YOU ARE NO TALLER THAN 160cm, ONE LOOKS LIKE A PUMPKIN AND THE OTHER RESEMBLES A STICK. To actually match brown hat with bright purple shirt and dirty green jeans, mini jeans skirt with black shirt and brown-white striped tie, I can tell that you girls don't have mirrors in your rooms!

Really, it's the 21st century, NOBODY wears their father's tie to a party, NOBODY wears a brown hat to a party. NOBODY dress like this to party. NOBODY. Even if the theme is cross-dressing, both of you have failed, like, totally. This is what happens when girls try to dress pretty and macho at the same time. The result is obvious. It can totally be ranked number one in 'Fashion Disaster of All Time'.

I was lucky to not die on the spot after looking at them. It really takes some guts to dress like this and walk on the streets. Girls, I salute you for being so brave, but next time, do consult me before you dress up for a party, OK? Who knows, this may be the cure of you being a singleton for so many years. It's time to get laid, ladies!

For One More Day

2007-09-23T05:05:00.000+08:00

Hi, I'm back online!

Whatever.

I need to blog. My head's gonna blow up if I don't blog soon.

Things are so complicated. Does it always has to be the bi boys who gets into trouble? I'm sick of all this already.

Anyway, to make things simple from now on, the guy whom I 'dated' back in Malaysia is officially known as 'Leo', the Malay guy as 'Sam' and the Indian guy as 'Sean'.

So, things were good between me and Leo. But last week, he stopped messaging me after I teased him. Never knew the reason, but hopefully it's not because I said that he's as fat as a pig. Not that he's fat, mind you, but I countered him cos' he said I sleep like a pig. Always wanted to message him but I don't wanna disturb him since he's busy lately. Sigh.

Sam had fever few days back. Should've gone to visit him but I was never his friend you see, it'd be weird if I were to appear knocking at his room door. He's feeling better now and is able to tegur sapa with me, but I feel bad not asking how he'd been doing.

Sigh.

As for Sean, he's as cold as always. Always talk to anyone but me. Is it because I'm always putting on that serious look? Or is it because he doesn't fucking care about my existence? A smile or a 'Hi' wouldn't kill you, boy. Don't say I've never tried being friendly. I've tried smiling at you when me meet, said loads of 'Hi's, but you never smiled back, never 'Hi'-ed back. Never.

This fucking sucks. And to make things worse, my ex gave me a book by Mitch Albom titled 'For One More Day'. Highlighted some stuff in the book for me because I "didn't get her messages when she gave me 'Tuesdays With Morrie'".

"You were busy.".
"Even if girls find you handsome, it's not a license to be mean. Be nice.".
"You can find something truly important in a minute.".
"You should never let your past disappear.".
"You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart.".

I wasn't busy. I was quick to begin a relationship with you, not knowing that I'm not prepared. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for commitments. I escaped. And I never came back.

People don't know what's important to them until they've lose it. I wasn't an exception. I gave up on our relationship. I called it quits, the reason being "me pursuing studies overseas" and "long distance relationships don't work". It was an excuse, and a very bad one. After we broke up, I realised how important you are to me, but I could never race you back, for you've entrusted your heart to someone else.

I've tried forgetting about the past but I can't. I kept the memories in a box and hid it somewhere in the bottom of my mind, but no matter how heavy it weighs, it never fails to resurface. It hurts, even now.

You know what type of person I am since the day we got together. I never let people come close to me, I never grant anyone access to my heart. It's part of who I am, either you accept this package or you ask for a refund.

It's sad that the way we broke up was a mess and that both of us suffered from the impact for some time, but if I'm given a chance, I'll surely set things right.

"Things can be fixed", no?

The Date

2007-08-29T02:40:00.000+08:00

OK, so we went on a date on Sunday. Well, plans are after all, plans. They work as guidelines on what one(in this case, we)'s gonna do.

The date turned out bad. Not only did we not have lunch or dinner together, I didn't manage to snap pics of us, we ALMOST didn't get to watch a movie, we ALMOST run out of topics to talk about. ALMOST.

The date didn't go well as planned but it wasn't actually bad(though it's true that we didn't have neither lunch nor dinner together and that I didn't get to snap pics of us). We almost didn't get to watch a movie because _i_ was picky. Or maybe it was him?

Me: "Dowan 'Ratatouille', I dowan see rat."

Him: "Hmm...'Disturbia' not nice, dowan. 'Blood Brothers'? Apa tu? 'Secret'? Never heard of it."

Me: "Um, 'Evan Almighty' leh?"

Him: "What is it about de?"

Me: "Something like 'Bruce Almighty' lor."

Him: "Hmm...'Transformers'?"

Me: "YOU HAVEN'T WATCH 'TRANSFORMERS' MEH? WHY WATCH AGAIN?!"

Him: "Um...."
Me: "2 tickets for 'Evan Almighty', please."

Him: "...."

So, I paid for the tickets and he bought us popcorns and drinks! But then there's something I'm unhappy with Cineplex. What's the point of 'Lovers Combo' if it consists of only a regular popcorn and coke? I alone can finish them ok. And thanks to you, we had to settle with 'Family Combo'. 2 regular cokes and 1 large popcorn. Ha, ha.

In the theatre, I felt cold, so I grabbed his arm to get some heat and I think it did the trick! After the movie, his attitude changed totally! He became as caring and gentle as a mother, making sure I didn't have any leftover popcorns on my shirt and stuff.

And he got me this plane! We were walking on the streets and we saw many people flying such planes, so I told him I wanted one too cos' it looks very cool, as in if one knows the correct way of handling the plane, the plane'll actually fly back to the owner. Some sorta like a boomerang. Not only did he paid for the plane, he even let me choose which plane I want k!

After we got bored of playing with the plane(cos we couldn't make the plane return to us), he brought me to Baskin Robbin's and bought me ice-cream!

I'm in a hurry so yeah, this is basically how our date was. Wasn't all that bad, huh?

P/S: I'll be going overseas to continue my studies later today so until I get an internet connection, I won't be posting.

The Beginning...?

2007-08-26T03:31:00.000+08:00

I can't get myself to sleep.

Remember this? Well, I'm going on a pseudo date with him later. Yes, just the both of us. Of all the years we have known one another, I *think* this is the FIRST time we have actually gone somewhere without anyone else(unless seminars are taken into account).

I am so nervous.

Where to eat? He doesn't like spending money so goodbye Tony Roma's, Italiannies and TGI Friday's. But I don't want to grab burgers at McD or KFC! If only I spent less on labels, I can easily buy him an expensive dinner at Mandarin Oriental, have a drink at Sri Hartamas and a black code from Giorgio Armani as a gift on our pseudo date. If only.

What movie to watch? This is a pseudo date, fight scenes are a big no no. No to spirits-related movies too as today is the 14th of the 7th month of the lunar calendar, the day which hungry ghosts come to earth in search for food. He as a buddhist won't agree with watching ghostly movies. Doraemon then?

How to make him take pics? Believe it or not, for all these years, we have NEVER taken a single photo together. Seriously, never! It's gonna be super awkward to suddenly tell him that i want him to pose so that I can snap a ~~sexy~~ picture of him. Besides, what's my reason? ~~"Because I love you so much that I can't live a single day without looking at you, even if it's only a picture of you"~~ "Beacuse I wanna snap pics of us every now and then so that in the future when we look back at these pictures, we can have a good laugh at how young we once were and to remember how long have we known each other"?

Friends have been telling me to treat this as any other normal outing with friends so that things will be less un-norm. Easy for one to say. We cannot control how our brains think, can we? If I can, I'd rather make myself fall for girls, get married and have children like any other straight guy! Life would've been much better then.

The last thing I need to hear now are love songs, which ironically, are playing on my iTunes now. Sigh.

Btw, I've just watched Cut Sleeve Boys and boy is Steven Lim hot and sexy! I don't usually go for Asians when I watch movies but seriously, whichever gay or bi male who didn't have a slightest bit of crush on him is either a retard or is simply blind. Just the kind of build I wish I have: pecs, biceps and a beautiful V-shaped curve. Six pack? Who needs them if whatever he's got is enough to make him a sex god? That unshaven look and that tattoo gave him quite some points too!

"I want you to fuck me, please, Sir."

Cupcake

2007-08-16T04:32:00.000+08:00

Gaining weight is something I've been wanting all these years but I was never disciplined enough to take it seriously. I'm in nature a person whose metabolism rate is of the higher side, I just won't put on weight no matter how much I eat.

Since young, many people had thought that I was malnutritioned. Relatives, friends, neighbours. They all thought that I either don't eat or was malnutritioned, but the former seemed more appropriate as my brother is of bigger size - fat, to put it bluntly -, thus ruling out the possibility of me being malnutritioned. Little do they know that I'm the bigger monster when it comes to eating. But then again, who would've thought that my body's metabolism is working overtime whereas my brothers, off to the nearest pub for its Party Hour even before the sun sets!

I may be eating like a glutton, but not only do I not gain weight, I lose. Even Runway supermodels die to exchange for my weight. Serious. But poor bro' isn't so lucky. No matter how little he eats, somehow, weights will just load up in him.

It was until last year when I started my studies overseas. I was away from home, plus I'm a lazy bum, chocolates became my best friends. Not only do they keep my stomach quiet for longer hours, it's cheap too. And since it's cheap, I eat them a lot. Besides, it provides lots of calories for my overtime 'worker' to burn, which is good. I don't want them to start burning off other organic substances when they're running low in calories.

A year had passed. Finally, I've gained weight! Standing at approx. 5'11", I was always underweight, but it's a good thing now that I've gained some weight and become LESS underweight. 8KGs in a year's time, not too bad huh? Weighing 63 now, I'm sure I'll gain more weight, thanks to cheap Kit-Kat's and Snickers. Much thanks to protein shakes and gym classes and swimming too!

It's the 5th week of me working out in the gym. I'm nowhere near 'broad and comfy shouders', 'ripped pecs', 'six-packs' and 'V-shaped curve', but my muscles do feel firmer, 'baby pecs' are growing, my once 'slightly visible six-packs' are showing themselves to me again. 1.5 weeks more!

Need.Broader.Shoulder.And.Larger.Arms.To.Fit.Into.My.~~Gay.~~Sexy.Sleeveless.Tee.

A body to die for...

Mystery Unfolds

2007-08-13T03:06:00.000+08:00

My deepest apologies for breaking my promise! I've totally forgotten about it! I'll make up with it in this entry!

(ok, that's too much of !'s in a paragraph)

On Friday morning, I went to Cineleisure Damansara to get myself some brand new accessories(no, it's not THE ACCESORY I mentioned in the last last entry)! I bought new rings! After living for 2 years with only ONE ring, I've decided to add new rings to begin my own collection! Guess what, I'm now a proud owner of THREE beautiful rings! It's still little, but I'm just getting started with my bling blings! I'm currently looking for necklaces, wristbands and earrings. Whoever found nice above said accessories can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com.

As you guys know, there's this new car from Proton right? Apparently there's this box outside Cineleisure where the car is kept within and there are tiny holes for people to peek into to have a look at the new Proton member. Proton is very smart, no matter which hole I peek into, I just couldn't see the name of the new car, though I knew that it is a new model of Proton Gen.2.

'Take a peek at our pride and joy'. It sounds SO wrong.

Next stop was Suria KLCC! Had been dying to visit Suria KLCC because it's been YEARS since I last step foot in it. I almost had a heart failure when I was in the mall. Designer labels are everywhere in the mall! Boutiques such as Burberry, Giorgio Armani, Louis Vuitton, Banana Republic and the latest outlet of Jimmy Choo are all gathered there! I swear I almost died and went to heaven. But poor me couldn't afford these labels, so I had to settle down with Topman. Well, just joking. It's true that I can't afford designer labels NOW but Topman isn't that bad too. And I'm happy to grab a sleeveless tee from Topman! It is a big challenge since I've NEVER worn a sleeveless tee, my arms are as 'huge' as tree branches plus it has pink stripes. And the fact that even when I'm in a size S tee, the tee still HUGE didn't help. If I were to try on an XS, I'm gonna look 200% PLU. Thank lord there weren't any stock left for size XS. Still, I look 165% PLU.

But then again, I'm currently going to the gym everyday and I drink protein shakes after every workout, and that after 3 weeks of workout, my pecs are starting to show(a lil') and my arms look firmer than before. And since I'll have 2.5 weeks more of time to workout before I leave the country, I assume that by then I wouldn't look too tiny and weak to fit in that tee. Plus I'm gonna get a sun tan, so I assume a sleeveless tee would look kinda nice on me(what's the point of getting a sun tan if I'm gonna cover myself up with lots of cloth?). After much consideration, I finally decided to get the tee. =)

I'm still kinda freaked out to wear this tee out to public. It's my first, after all.

And now it's time to show everyone my first designer labelled accessory! An optical glasses from Emporio Armani!

Actually it's no big deal but since it's my first designer labelled accesory, I'm gonna make a big blast about it. But I think I've made the wrong investment. I should've used the money to buy tops from Emporio Armani instead of an optical glasses. After all, it's the logo printed on the top that's gonna be more visible than tiny logos on the glasses. But then I still love my glasses and I'll be sticking to it for some time. (And sorry for the blurry image of the glasses, my cam was on the wrong mode, it focused on the backfround instead of the glasses)

Random: I've always wanted to snap a pic of this thing and post it online but whenever I went to that place, I just didn't have my cam with me. Finally, on Friday, I went to Cineleisure with my cam prepared and I took a pic of this thing!

These cow sculptures outside Marche looks so beautiful! Everytime I walk past Marche, I'll take a good look at them before I walk away. Every now and then I have urges to hug the cows but I'm glad that I've yet let the devil in me to take control of myself. God knows what kind of looks people will cast on me if I were to hug and kiss the cows in public.

The cows look as if they're part of Swatch. Red background with white-coloured crosses, so Swatchy, so Switzerland-ish.

That's all, good night! And yeah, Happy Birthday dear sis! May you get married soon so that I could use your room as my private wardrobe! =P

sniff

2007-08-12T02:17:00.000+08:00

The smell of fresh template is so intoxicating. Literally.

Threw the old blog template out the window for a new one! I do know that this template is simple & dull(cos' it's from Blogger) but it took me some time to customize it to make it look 'not so original from Blogger itself', as in I changed the fonts, colours and all.

At least I took the effort to segregate it from 'Originals by Blogger'. This is just a trial template so don't complain. I'm currently trying to learn Photoshop, hopefully when my Photoshop skills gets better in the future, I can produce a decent template with a pretty header.

That is if my Photoshop skills are going to get better.

I Will Survive

2007-08-09T03:49:00.000+08:00

Living in a foreign country for a year has taught me to NEVER not do researches on any country anyone plans to visit. In my case, Russian Federation.

Life was as terrible as living in hell as most Russians don't speak English but they expect foreigners to speak fluent Russian. A worldwide spoken language is so inferior in Russia. Ironic.

It wasn't long since Soviet Union crumbled. Russia is far behind many countries in terms of development, though it's rapidly catching up in the recent years.

As for the gay and bi boys, it's sad news to be living in Russia because it was once a communist country, plus it's an underdeveloped and poor country that no businessmen want to do business in Russia. No businesses from foreign countries mean no foreign fashion labels. No fashion labels mean gay and bi boys can only dress like old, conservative, lack-of-fashion-sense straight Russian men.

Or so I thought.

A recent boost in my fashion radar results in an increase in awareness of the power of the World Wide Web. "Designer labels must have their own websites in the internet!"

And so I searched for designer labels online, browsed their webpages and to my delight, most labels are sincere enough to guide lost puppies like me to their boutiques around the world!

And guess what, most designer labels have outlets in Russia(though some aren't smart enough to open boutiques in Moscow)! From Louis Vuitton to Dolce & Gabbana to Giorgio Armani to Hermes to Yves Saint Laurent to Gucci! And the list goes on!

A year ago, I was a fool who thinks that Russia is hell for people who can't live without branded clothes and accessories. Now, I'm a boy who knows ways to most designer labels' boutiques! Gay and bi boys, welcome to Russia!

OK, that last line was lame.

Anyway, I'll be getting my FIRST accesory from one of the designer labels(if Esprit, Topman and other brands in similar category are not taken into account) this Friday! Couldn't look for the picture of it in the web, so you guys have to wait till Friday night for me to reveal my precious accessory!

Some new pics of my sex god Marco by Adam Bouska!

xoxo

Proof

2007-08-04T03:15:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I think this explains WHY am I a bisexual.

Goodbye UPS!

2007-08-02T03:15:00.000+08:00

I must admit that I'm addicted to photo-blogging but damn, it wasn't part of my plan to turn this blog into a photo blog!

But then again it won't hurt to post pictures of hot men sometimes, eh? :p

Today, I bring you one of the latest hot guy around town, Marco Dapper! Well, he might not be the LATEST but still he's kinda new when it comes to acting(and modelling).

I bet most of you already know where this entry's going, so I'm not gonna waste any time. Yes, Our(preferably mine only) Marco appeared NUDE in his VERY FIRST movie, Eating Out 2! Seriously, to be able to appear nude in his first movie, to be able to kiss(I mean KISS) me guys , I totally salute him! I bet no heterosexuals have ever done that! How hot!

And I totally envy Tiffani for being able to be in a position so close to lil Marco! I wish I was Tiffani! I would've ignored the whole filming crew and gave him heads right on the spot! And the part where Marc sucked Troy off, if I were Marc, I would've given him REAL heads and Troy didn't have to fake his moans! And he would've came sooner! And I don't mind if I have to redo the scene where Marc licked Troy's nipples! Those juicy 'titties'! Lucky Marc got the juices all for himself!

Talk about dirty and filthy, Gwen's an amateur.

Since Marco's so hot and irresistable, no wonder Adam Bouska wanna take pics of him! How I wish to be a professional and famous photographer! I'll be able to meet famous(AND hot) celebrities and I'll be able to take pics of them!

"Strip, Marco. Yes, strip. No no, undies down too. Ahhhh....that's it!"

"But but..."

"Don't worry honey, these 'special' pics are for me only. Now if you don't mind can you wake your lil bro? I need his full attention too. Come lemme give him a kiss."

If only he's gay. But then again not that he'll fall for me, a horny-photographer-wannabe. I look like a tiny tree branch whose body is flatter than sheet of paper, whose face will cause a rise in the rate of suicide if anyone were to change theirs with mine. The only way for Marco to love me is if he's blind. But there's no way I would want him to be blind! If he is blind, not only do I have to clean him up, he can't go to the gym to workout anymore and he'll gain weight and be as large as a whale!

I don't want a whale to be my boyfriend. :(

Now let's have a ride on my i-want-him-to-be-my-boyfriend's washboard 8 packs! 8 packs are uncommon k!

Man, look at him! He's a sex god! I wonder why does it take this long for him to be noticed! With his good looks and that holy-shit-gimme-that body, he should've been noticed earlier and not left to work for UPS for that insignificant amount of cash!

"Now if would excuse me, I've got lots of shootings to do. I'm famous now, ya know, and I have to earn lots of money so that my boyfriend Alex can be a househusband someday and he can spend all the money he wants on clothes! If Victoria Beckam's good at women's fashion, my husband's gotta be the best in men's fashion!"

I wish la. Not even the darkest dark magic will work on this i'm-a-100%-man heterosexual.

Photo Entry 1.0

2007-07-30T03:23:00.000+08:00

For the first time(and hope it won't be the last), let the pictures tell you what are the things I find interesting in men.

Tell me, who can resist Mr Hidetoshi aka Mr Hot? His sexy look, his bod, his wealth(if you are considering a sugar daddy), what more can you ask from a man like him? Sex? I bet he's good in bed too. Haha.

Andre Moreas may not be a sex god but I have a thing for cowboys. His rock hard abs and that sexy unshaven look will be more than enough to blow my head!

Mr Evans, anyone? That body hair and broad chest, it's so eff-ing hot! No doubt he's our famous hero Human Torch!

Mr Handsome here sure knows what to show: his charming smile! One may not be able to see his physique here but we can definitely figure it out ourselves based on the outlines of his shoulder! God I love the colour of his eyes!

One can't tell but I surely know he's a surfer dude! His smile is just as sttractive as Mr Handsome and we too can imagine the beautiful lines running down his tight body!

I don't know why but I have a thing for the guy on the left. His smiles make him look so sweet, his dimples make him look cute, he has a GREAT body, and he has chest hair too! He is so sexy! Grr...

That's all for now, stay tuned for more pretty pics in the future!

xoxo

You Have Crossed The Line, Partner

2007-07-20T00:05:00.000+08:00

For the years that I've known you, I've never disagree with anything that you say.

For the years that I've known you, I've done you lots of favors.

For the years that I've known you, I've taken in all your shit and not say a thing about it.

For the years that I've known you, I've never whine about you treating me as nothing more than a pile of garbage.

For the years that I've known you, I thought that there are ways to make you change.

But it all ends now.

What do you have to offer to a friend who's been there for you when you needed company? What do you have to offer to a friend who puts you ahead of himself? What do you have to offer?

Nothing. There's nothing you can offer. Not only to your friend, but to anyone at all.

Tell me, is there really nothing you can offer to a friend who merely wants your company for dinner?

Enough About You

2007-07-18T02:37:00.000+08:00

This sucks.

It's been almost a year since I broke up with my ex but my heart has yet move on. When we first broke up, I regretted doing so because I realised that I should've given long distance relationship a try because "who knows what'll happen in the future". But what's done is done, and all I can do is wait for a chance to propose to her again.

It never happened, the proposal. Silly me wanted to ask her the question in person when I return to Malaysia for summer vacation but before I could do so, someone else did it.

That happened more than 6 months ago.

It's been 10 months since we broke up, but I have never stopped loving you, even after I knew that you have moved on with life and is very happy with your current BF.

Ok, that wasn't true. I've always loved you, until the day when I found out from a friend that you are playing the game of love again. You were already in the game for months, but I never knew. We were supposed to be "very good friends" even after the break up, right? Then why don't you tell me about it? You know I'd be happy for you!

Why are you always emo whenever I sound so cold, whenever I don't wish to share my problems with you? You are not any better yourself. You never tell me anything about youself, even when we were together! Don't say "it's because you never ask", you were never concerned about me either.

I'm such a loser. Even a girl can bring herself together and move on with life. All I do is run away from reality.

The feeling of being loved is like drugs, one never gets enough of it. It's been 10 months living without getting the feeling of a partner's love. No one's there to greet me when I rise in the morning, no one's there to give me support when I'm feeling down, no one's there to lend me a hand when I'm going through hard times, no one's there to share my joy, my everything.

For the past 10 months, I've met loads of new people, and among them there are a few whom I desire, of course, but my desire for you was overwhelming to the extent that it didn't feel right to have the slightest liking for them!

But it's all gonna be over now. I will, and I WILL stop loving you, even as a friend. Not only does it not feel right, it's completely not right for us to keep in touch anymore, no thanks to your pestering.

"Ooh, so what's new?" "hey got study or not? muz study k!" "hey long time din hear from u, busy ar?" "hey y u sound so cold? u hate me is it?" I may not be brave and rude enough to agree with you with the last statement but yes, I sound very cold because if I don't do this you're gonna continue milking attention from me while you're giving your boyfriend heads. This has to end now!

I swear I'll stop loving you, stop feeling sad when I see pics of you and your current BF, stop being jealous when I look at the captions like "me & my lou gong zai" which you wrote for your pics, stop browsing your online profiles, stop talking to you, stop every single possible contact with you. STOP STOP STOP STOP!

Ok, I'm OFFICIALLY single and available. Whoever(guy/gal) wants to buy me a drink can e-mail me at error24355@gmail.com! Do it quick before I leave the country!

Flames of An Undying Friendship

2007-07-09T02:51:00.000+08:00

Fantasies are evil.

Why so?

Friends come and go. Some stayed longer, some left earlier, and some(well, actually almost none) stays forever. And I'm proud to say that at 20 years of age, I've met a friend which has yet(yes, YET) to leave my life.

I've known this friend for a very long time(probably 12 years now) and I don't see any sign of him leaving my life. He's been a very good friend AND neighbour since primary 2. We'd travelled to school together for countless times, went to the same tuition centre, played computer games and soccer together, stayed over, and loads of stuffs. Though there are times where I and he both found our own groups of friends to mix with and had spent lesser time for one another, we have yet leave each other's lives.

It's a blessing to have him as a friend, though he's not perfect(neither am I so what am I to complain). But he's HAWT, no doubt about it. And since we were such good friends doing most things together, there were times where we both got a lil' naughty and went over the lines, but not to the extent which destroys our (still is)blooming friendship.

But naughty me does more than just actions. Like any other HEALTHY BOYS, I fantasize about him too.

*blushes*

But it all ended after high school. He went on to Form Six and I went to college. We never talk or meet that often anymore, no thanks to him always failing to reply my SMSes and me not dedicated enough to maintain this friendship. And it got worse when I have to pursue Medicine overseas. How can I expect to maintain this friendship so far away from home when we've both failed to maintain it when our distances were nearer?

A year has passed. I thought that what's left of our friendship is a pile of dust on a photo album which has not been cleaned for centuries. But I was wrong.

I went over to pay he and his family(we were neighbours for 9 years!) a visit last evening, and I found that he was very excited to see me again. It's been a long time since I last saw and talked to him. We have sent each other not even a SMS throughout the whole time I was overseas. The feeling of thinking of losing a very good friend sucked, and I'm glad I don't have to continue thinking of it and feeling sucky.

It's really great to be back and be in touch with my long 'lost' friend. We are all grown-ups now, and few years from now, we'll all be serving the society, me being a doctor and him being a pharmacist(that is if he passes his interview for a seat in a local Uni!). We both have travelled this far together, and although there were times where we both got separated, we have proved to the world that our friendship is solid. It's there, and it cannot be broken by anything in this world.

But then again, now that our friendship is becoming stronger, fantasies about him are coming back too. He's HAWT, after all. But I heard he has a girlfriend already(but he would've told me!). Oh well, it's only a matter of time of when will they break up. Not that I'm jealous of the girl, it's just that the girl is the LOA type and he's just not the kind who cares enough about anything at all. He should be looking at me, recalling the things we've done, and pick me instead!

I'm the one, the ONLY one who deserves him. Hahahahah.

Boy, I'm gonna have to stop thinking about all this before my brain is corrupted to the point of no return!

It's only been an hour since I left his house and I can't stop thinking of him. I believe, and I know that for 24 hours from now, I'll be thinking of him non-stop.

Somebody stop me!

Eternal Summer

2007-06-26T04:27:00.000+08:00

Hey there everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted an entry. Had been busy with stuffs. My deepest apologies.

There are many things I want to blog about, but I just couldn't blog them out. Everytime part of me felt like blogging, another part of me would occupy myself with loads of work. I don't know why is this happening but somehow, it became a routine. Whenever I feel like blogging, I'll tell myself that I'm busy and I'll find some other time to blog.

This explains why I hadn't blogged for more than a month.

Was busy with exams the whole month. It was finals for my first year in Med School afterall, had to do the best I could or I'll regret when things get tougher in the future, especially when it'll be tougher to score good grades. Had been busy shopping for gifts for relatives and friends too. Again, it's my first year studying overseas, I cannot not bring anything back for everyone, can I?

Not to mention the times I wasted on being depressed over people who don't deserve it.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be back home. For the next 2 months, I can be stupid and lazy. I don't have to look at Medical textbooks(Anatomy, gasp!), don't have to prepare my own meals, don't have to do my own laundry, don't have to drag myself up to school early in the morning and returning home late in the evening, and the best thing is I can play all I want! Oh dear internet, I miss you so much!

After months of waiting, I finally got my hands on one of the best Taiwan movies, Eternal Summer. It was out last October but I didn't have the chance to watch it as I don't have internet connection there and none of my friends watch such movies.

Sad, right?

Anyway, Eternal Summer was really good. My patience finally paid off, after months of waiting and dreaming of it. Haha.

Joseph Chang is so hot!! And cute!!

But then I was kinda disappointed with the ending when Shane(Joseph Chang) indirectly rejected Jonathan(Bryant Chang). EVERYONE agrees that Joseph Chang is HOT and it's really sad that he chose Kate Yeung instead of Bryant Chang.

It's cruel, just like reality. We just won't get what we hoped for, no matter how hard we pray, how little we sin, how many good deeds we have done.

Sigh.

But then again I strongly recommend this movie! Unlike other movies with shitty actings, this movie is one of the best I've ever seen. I rarely watch Taiwan movies but I couldn't stop watching this one as it has really good standards. They can enter Oscars lor I tell you, especially Joseph and Bryant Chang. As for Kate, she needs more practise. Sorry la, but that's the truth.

I'm not saying this because I'm a sexist k. I admit I like Joseph Chang(*blushes*) but it wasn't the reason why I'm promoting him and not Kate k. Kate is good too, just that she needs more practise compared with the 2 actors.

Aih, if only I have a boyfriend as cute as Joseph, I will do anything for him. Anything!

You Mind Pushing That Bone Nearer, Master?

2007-05-28T19:23:00.000+08:00

I went for a great party last weekend. Initially it was supposed to be a party among us Malaysians but as the party went on, more and more foreigners joined us. In the end, there were more foreigners than Malaysians.

Ok, so that was how the foreigners joined our party. I had to cut it short because that wasn't the main point.

There were these 2 extremely cute guys in the party. 1 was from Turkey and another from Poland. At first I didn't know they speak English because they kept on speaking Russian with us until they told us that they learned English back in their country. We were sooo excited! Since then most of the conversations were in English.

The guy from Turkey is the hyperactive type whereas the Poland guy is more sensible. The Turkey guy loves attention so much! Whatever he does, whatever he says, he has to make sure we all heard him. Well, not ALL but those people whom he's talking to at that time. He is such a big monkey, running here and there and wants to be in almost every single picture we take. And believe me, you will never see him putting up a serious face because he's just too playful!

And guess what? He is such a PLAYBOY! One moment you'll see him cuddling a girl and say "she's my girlfriend", another moment you'll see another girl cuddling him from behind and say "he's my boyfriend", then another moment you'll see few girls all over him, one cuddling his body, one cuddling his legs and one playing with his hair. He loves people touching his hair so much, exactly like a puppy! So adorable!

I think he is absolutely straight since he's such a 'player', but what he did to me was definitely out of my mind. Whenever he sits beside me, he'll place his hand on my lap and actually feel my skin. Then, when he's sitting on my left and is trying to get something from somebody sitting on my right, he'll place his arm on my lap to balance himself while getting what he wanted. I don't think it's really normal because I knew him for less than 10 minutes at that time! I do know what whites are friendly, but I didn't know they were THIS friendly!

We had a small talk among the 2 of us but it didn't last very long because we were interrupted plus he cannot speak good English and I can't speak good Russian. I felt he was flirting with me because he asked me lots of question about myself. Yes, MYSELF! Usually foreigners would ask questions like where do we come from, what do we have in other countries and all other general questions, but he asked me questions about me myself! He generally asked us where do we come from, then he just turned to me and started talking to me only. He's not interested in them, he's interested in me only!

Well, at least that was what I thought. I hope the flirting could last longer, but he just couldn't sit still. Soon after we were interrupted, he went to talk to other people and when he returned, he turned his attention to one of his 'girlfriends'. Later, he and his 'girlfriend' went home because it was getting late and they were sleepy. Even when he was leaving, he had to make sure everyone sees him leaving.

So cute lor!

The guy from Poland came after the Turkey guy left. At first he was with another group but later came to hang out with us. He said his name is Борис but I doubt it's his real name because 'Борис' is a Russian name.

The Poland guy looks and acts more mature than the monkey(=p) and it really turned me on. He may not have the body of a sex god(he's fit la), but his thin moustache makes him look neat and masculine. Whenever you're with him, you feel secured. That's the feeling he gave me.

He talked about his country, about the activities he did, his experience and stuff, but I cannot tahan him banging me lor. He thought Malaysians speak some strange language and I defended by saying if Malaysians were to speak some strange language, we wouldn't be able to communicate in ENGLISH. Then he tried talking in Russian and I told him I can't understand and speak Russian very well. That was a wrong thing to do. The moment he knew that I couldn't speak and understand Russian well, he started banging me by saying things like "if you want to speak and understand Russian language well, you have to practice! Like me, I've been here for 3 months already but this is the first time I've been speaking English so much! If you don't know how to say something in Russian, try using other words or use body language to make other people understand you! *blah blah blah*". Just because he can speak English and Russian well doesn't mean he can bang me like that. He's so mean.

But then again it just makes him look more reliable. <3

How I wish they could stay here longer. All of them are leaving end of June and they won't be coming back to this country anymore. Sad, isn't it?

P/S: I might be paying a visit to the Turkey girls' room together with some of my friends who're going back to Malaysia soon. I'll try to ask them to call the Turkey guy to go over and join us. I'm so gonna ask which room he lives in and I'll tell him mine too and I'm so gonna hint to him that my roommates are leaving soon and that I'll be all ALONE in the room and that he can come by to visit me sometimes. If he's REALLY interested in me, I'll do anything to make him come to me, since I want him badly too! If he really is interested in me and really does drop by at my room after my roommates have left, I can't imagine what'll happen. He'll grab my hands and push me into the room, locks the room door, pin me onto the bed and make me beg for him to do something to me, perhaps? Who cares if he's going back to Turkey next month and not coming back anymore? It's the experience and memories that'll last forever.

PP/S: I'm such a horny dog! God please forgive me!

Men SUCK

2007-05-07T05:45:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry but I feel like screaming now.

*screams hysterically*

****

I've just watched "She's The Man"(sorry but I'm always slow when it comes to movies) and GOD, there are so many guys in there! To be more accurate, cute and hot guys!

Look at that healthy tan of Justin(Robert Hoffman)! He's like, the best looking guy in that movie! What else can you ask for from a guy who's not only good looking but also has a very nice tan? Plus he's a soccer player! His body is just so pretty! Not to forget that charming smile and smooth skin! He can easily melt someone's heart without even doing anything!

Then there's Paul(Jonathan Sadowski), the hairstylist! He is so CUTE! The hair, the cute smile and his taste when it comes to dressing! He's like, the best boyfriend one can ever have! It's sad that he showed up quite little in the whole movie but he made every appearance memorable! I wish my boyfriend is as alert as Paul is when it comes to dressing, but first, I need a boyfriend!

As for our leading actor Duke(Channing Tatum), I think he's quite a turn-on when he's half naked. He may not have those charming looks like Justin and Paul, abs like a typical soccer player but he's kinda cute in a different way. He looks like more mature than the other 2 and looked even better with that not-so-smooth skin and a little scar under his right eye. It makes him look more rugged and make others feel secured when they're with him.

I wish my boyfriendS are as good-looking as Justin, as cute as Paul, as rugged as Duke, as good his taste when it comes to picking the nicest clothes as Paul and most importantly, as sensible as Duke. Guys who only lust for sex can rot in hell. Same goes for those who think that they can screw arund with other people's feelings because they're Prince Charmings.

But first, we need less straight guys in this world.

"Statistics show that there are at least 1 homosexual within 10 individuals, but we think that there are more of them out there since not all of them has the courage to admit who they are."

Yeah, if there are 1/10 in statistics, X/10 if "there are more out there since blah blah blah", then why are there still so few homo and bisexuals in this world?! Why have I yet found a NON-STRAIGHT guy? Almost every single guy I met is straight!

"1 in every 10 individuals"? I say it's 1 in a million. If it's so, I might as well put more hope in women, since "9/10 chance they're straight". The probability would've been lower saying "I love you" to a lesbian than to a straight man, which means that good chance I won't get beaten up by a man and calling me a "queer".

Seriously speaking, the leading actress Viola(Amanda Bynes) is kinda cute too. I can actually consider having her as my girfriend, since most men suck.

Lame joke: If men SUCK, why are they straight? Wouldn't they all be gay? Seriously dude, they SUCK!

Part II

2007-04-22T06:57:00.000+08:00

As I've said in the previous entry, I'll most probably be moving to the first hostel next year whereas my boys will be moving to the second hostel. Even now, when we're staying in the same hostel, we have very little chance to see each other. Needless to say, conversations are very rare. I can't imagine what'll happen when we move to different hostels next year. Still normal friends? Or friends no more?

Many people will ask me to think which is more important in my life: better accomodation for the next couple of years but suffering from not being able to see and talk to them or, suffer from poor accomodation for the next couple of years but being able to be with them? I know this question, but I don't know the answer.

Many things have came across my mind. There are many possibilities, sometimes too many that I don't know which way I should take. To tell the truth, compared to the first semester, now I barely talk to the Indian guy. We only say 'Hi' to each other when we meet at the corridoor, sometimes talk a lil' bit when we're at our batchmates' birthday parties. As for the Malay guy, I rarely see him in the hostel. When we meet each other in class, we only say 'Hi' to each other. Our conversations were much lesser than between me and the Indian.

I barely know them. Is it right to make decision based on people I barely know? Does it really make a difference if I choose to move in to the second hostel? We're in the same hostel too now but I don't see how good our relationships are. Move in together with them and sort things out slowly since we'll be seeing each other for the next few years? Some things just won't change no matter how hard a person tries. Like this case, when I and the Indian were in the same class last semester, I did try talking to him, making jokes together and all. But this semester, the friendship we(or only I?) built seem to just evaporated for no particular reason. As for the Malay guy, we didn't really notice each other's presence the past few months, until one day when we were both late for a lecture and we sat together the whole lecture. But then it was lecture, so we didn't talk, just smiled. Since then, whenever we see each other, there'll be the usual 'Hi' and 'Bye' but no proper conversation.

If I don't move in to the same hostel as them, I'll definitely regret for the next few years. But if I move in to the same hostel, things might not turn out fine. There are risks, but both choices deal equal damage. How am I supposed to choose?

What if one day I realise that what I have for them is merely a crush? It'll definitely be devastating. I can't imagine myself doing so many things, sacrificing so much for people who're nothing more than just crushes.

What if someday I find out that they're straight? Both of them! Straight! I'll definitely kill them then commit suicide. It's my fault for not finding out their preferences. But then again, not that I've not tried! I once saw the Malay guy holding hands with another guy BUT THEN I also saw him going online for several hours chatting with a girl. But then again, I always see him hang out with his guy friends only. What does that mean? As for the Indian, he always seem like a shy guy, but sometimes he does things that impress many people, including me. I don't know whether it's true or not but I think he only does those stunts when I'm around. But then if he's trying to impress me, why is he not making any effort to work things out?

But as I've said, I don't know what their preferences are, and all these things might be very normal but in my brain, they're analysed to make me think that they're doing them to impress me. I really wish that there's someone whom I can trust, whom I can share my problems with. One who can actually communicate with me through talking, not SMSes or thru blogs or MSN. Things would've been better then.

I'm not asking for many, just one. One such friend is all I need.

Which hostel to move? Do I have real feelings for them or they're merely crushes? What is the next step I should take? I need a friend to help me through this. Really.

Part I

2007-04-20T10:04:00.000+08:00

2 months from now, it'll be the end of second semester of my Medical course. When I return from summer holidays, I and my fellow batchmates will be moving to permanent hostels as the current hostel we're staying in isn't permanent hostels. By the way, permanent hostels mean these hostels are owned by the University and that when we move in to them next year, we won't be able to switch hostels unless there are spaces. And since now the University has trouble placing us in permanent hostels as the spaces available aren't enough to support the whole batch of my year, so if I were to move in to, say, hostel A, then most probably I won't be able to move to hostel B, unless I wait for 1 year for the seniors to graduate. Even then I'll have to fight for places with my juniors.

Back to topic.

There are 2 hostels owned by my Unversity. The first hostel is the newest hostel which was built 1.5 years ago, so in terms of accomodation, internet service and distance from University, this hostel is the best, as the second hostel was kinda old and is quite far from University. But the second hostel has more spaces compared with the first hostel, which means that most of the students of my batch will be moving to the second hostel and only a hand full will be moving to the first hostel.

It took me quite some time to decide which hostel I want to move in. In terms of accomodation, the rooms in the first hostel are bigger and much nicer than the second hostel. In terms of transportation, the hostel is only 5 minutes walk away from the metro station and it's about 20 minutes walk away from the University. In terms of who will I be living with for the next couple of years, I'm fine living with my current roommates, so we planned to move together and stay together again.

So, me and my roommates discussed and finally decided to move in to the first hostel. Everything's much better in that hostel, and everyone else in my batch wants to move in too, if there are spaces available.

But the problem is, most of the students staying in to the first hostel are my groupmates, which means that if I really do move in to the first hostel next year, I'll be seeing them from day till night, whereas my other batchmates who live in the same hostel now will be staying in the second hostel and I won't be able to see them besides in lectures. It'll be very depressing as I'll be missing out lots of birthday celebrations, group cookings and going to each other's rooms to play games, discuss about homeworks and bitch about things.

But the most depressing thing is that I won't be able to see my boys anymore. The Indian will be moving to the second hostel as his gang is moving there. The Malay will be moving to the second hostel too since he's a government sponsored student and I bet our government won't spend more money to give their students better accomodation.

Sigh.

P/S: This is the first part. The second part will be out later because I'm very sleepy now and I want to sleep. Part 2 won't be short, so I thought I'd better sleep now so that I'll have the energy to write later.

Lub, Dub?

2007-02-25T19:19:00.000+08:00

The pain I sustain is unbearable. Everytime I see them, my heart ached as if I'm experiencing heart failure. No one understands how I feel, no one knows what I'm going through, no one cares for my insignificant existence.

I'm confused. I'm lost. I've completely and probably permanently lost my abilities to see, to analyse, to act. Basically, I've lost my thinking skills. All because I've been drugging myself with everything about them that I've completely lose contact with the outside world. I no longer know what's going on around me, I no longer know anybody, I no longer know whay's right and what's wrong. I am no longer myself.

The reason I make myself wake up so early in the morning, travel for 1.5 hours just to attend a 1 hour lecture and then travel another 1.5 hours home, is to see them. That is if they attend lectures. I'm taking a bet everyday to see whether I'll see them in lectures or not. None of my groupmates attend lectures and they're telling me not to attend lectures too, but nobody knows that only in lectures can I spend the most time looking at them. Other days our lessons either are of different time or different places. Who understands the amount of time I spent just to be with them, eventhough we're sitting at opposite ends of the lecture hall? Nobody.

I've thought of quitting, but it wouldn't last. I can be cold to them in the morning by not greeting them when I see them, try my best to ignore their existence, try not to look at them, but as soon as we reach our school, guilt starts to fill me up and I'll break down completely. I'll scold myself for being stupid, for not making use of the time I had to get their attention, for not trying to make small talks with them.

I tried to be cold to the Malay guy this morning. I ignored him totally when we were in the bus on our way to the metro station. At the metro station, I did not get into the same train as him. Even when he boarded the train and kinda looked around him to see whether I'm there, I just acted as if I didn't know he had entered the train. In the school before the classes start, we had eye contact in the corridoor but we both turned away very soon. After class ended, when we got out of the metro station, I did not get up to the same bus as him. He knew I was there but he too acted as if he didn't see me. Until now, I've not seen him.

The result of this? Me feeling guilty from top to toe and blogging every single detail in my sad little blog.

Relationships are just too complicated. Maybe they just don't suit those who dislike complicated stuffs, like me?

Simple And Clean, Not

2007-02-09T07:16:00.000+08:00

I seriously pity myself. Someday I'm really going to regret that I've been spending my whole life sleeping, eating and playing. My life is so boring that there's nothing to blog about holidays, unless you think that sleeping for 10 hours a day and spending the rest watching movies, eating and day-dreaming are things worth blogging.

Well, new semester began yesterday. Only the first day of class but was late for Anatomy lecture(everyone else's late too, btw), met my new Anatomy lecturer which made us do things we've never done before during practical class(she actually made us draw the digestive system of human and label them in both English and Latin!), met this Histology lecturer who gave the first Histology lecture and as usual none of the students understood what was she trying to say. Not to forget, only a total of 30 minutes breaktime for a 9 to 5 class. Ironic.

Will be spending every Thursday for the next 3.5 months dreading to attend lectures and practical classes. Sigh...

As expected, saw the both of them during Anatomy and Histology lectures today. My mind is tired of this but I just can't help looking at them. Brain has problem analysing signals as usual, can't take my eyes off them, mind went blank and there I was, sitting in the lecture hall, my hands and ears on auto-pilot.

As expected, I won't be able to get over them unless I have no contacts of any sort with them. It's impossible not to see them unless we're staying in different hostels. It's impossible not to see them unless none of our classes occur to be at the same place/time. It's impossible not to see them unless I track them down and avoid them as much as I can.

But these are impossible because we DO stay in the same hostel, none of us can escape lectures and plainly because I can't afford buying tracking devices. Well, the last one is just crap, nevermind that.

Is it true that despite being mentally strong, a person can never be normal when he/she comes face to face with the person he/she likes? I'm quite a big help when it comes to helping others solve relationship problems(as my friends all claim), but when it comes to my own relationship problems, I just couldn't handle it myself. Nothing seems to be right. Eyes don't seem to see the truth, ears don't seem to hear properly, brain seems to be analysing things wrongly, body actions are so weird that I sometimes fear that my body will betray myself.

I'm slowly losing co-ordination, not knowing what's right and what's wrong, not knowing what's the truth and what's not, not knowing why am I feeling like this. I'm already physically deteriorating. Used to make sure my hair looks good in public, make sure my breath doesn't stink, make sure I wear decently and never leave my accessories behind. But now, what's left are a not so satisfying hairstyle, still decent but not so up-to-style clothes, a jacket which looks like the one every average kid owns, a nerdy bagpack, spectacles which screws are loose and am not bothered to tighthen them, and accessories which I've smartly left behind at home. Basically, I now look like any average, boring kid anyone can easily find anywhere. Everyone in my university says that I look totally different from myself back in college. But there's nothing I can do. How am I supposed to get a desired hairstyle if I can't communicate with Russians hairstylists? I don't have enough funds to make myself dress better because it's not so good to ask for so much money from parents when they've already paid for my tuition fees studying abroad. I want to buy accessories but what's the point of wearing them if they only make myself look more horrendous? Imagine an average guy with that standard haristyle and not tastefully dressed wearing rings on his hands, necklaces and piercings, probably?

That should stop or everyone reading this would be foaming in front of their computer monitors. Haha.

Well, the fashion part has nothing to do with me falling for them but I think that if I were to dress like the old me, I might at least get some attention from them. If only I have a hairdresser and my accessories with me, things could've been better. The way I look now is so horrendous that I myself might probably get a heart failure looking myself in the mirror. No joke.

No, don't make me start making everyone imagine something horrendous and start foaming again(if you did just now). Well, that's all for today. In desperate need for comments! Everyone do comment k!

Nitez!

Dancing Fire

2007-02-06T08:37:00.000+08:00

Most crushes don't last long. Usually they only last for days or weeks. Sometimes they may last for months but only in very rare cases that they last for years. I'm glad mine lasted only for 2 months.

I once had multiple crushes at the same time and the period of the crushes lasted for almost a year. It is actually quite terrifying when I think of it now, but I'm glad that I'm now in a different institution from them. But still this isn't part of what I intend to blog about.

Anyway.

For those who has been reading my entries, you all should know that I had 4 crushes, which later reduced to 2, a Malay guy and an Indian guy.

When I initially started having crushes on them, I thought it would be very hard not to develop feelings for them, and even harder when I started being emo over things that they do. I once cursed the Malay guy for suspecting him having a boyfriend and later found out that he might have a girlfriend but still was sure that he's gay. I once got very upset because the Indian guy had chicken pox and almost cursed the person who infected him.

But, a month of holiday was worth it. Turns out I'm starting to have less interest on them now. Saw the Malay guy in a supermarket few days ago. He had a hair-cut and look very, VERY cute, but had only managed to make my brain go haywire for less than 5 minutes. Before this, seeing him for 10 seconds a day was enough to get me 'high' for few days. I guess it's a good sign. As for the Indian guy, I saw him at the corridoors on the floor I'm staying at(we stay in different floors, in case any of you has forgotten) talking with our batchmate. Attractive as usual, but I walked away just like that. Well, I did turn around and walked past the same place several times but later when he suddenly disappeared, I didn't feel nervous or anxious at all. In fact, I just acted as if nothing has happened and within minutes, I've already stopped thinking about him. Also a positive sign I hope.

The only thing I'm afraid of is that when the next semester begins, I'll be seeing them quite often again and that I might start having crushes on them again. I have very low immunity for cases like this, and I really don't hope that I'll have crushes on them again. This is a 6-year course and I don't wish that I'll be spending all of it having crushes on them, stop, and then having crushes on them all over again.

I'm tired of this. I don't want a forest fire which was put off few moments ago to come alive again and continue burning the forest until nothing's left.

I just don't want to.